Saturday, August 17, 2013

How can we help? An open letter to friends and family.

Friends have asked how they can help our family right now. It's no secret we could use help. Jess has been unemployed since he was laid off last October. Unemployment benefits ran out in April. Jobs in his field are hard to come by, jobs that can support a family - even modestly - are even harder to find. Instead of taking any old job he finished writing a book, published it, and started to work more seriously at being self-employed as a Parenting Coach.

To increase his knowledge of the business world, as well as his hire-ability at the administrative level, he has been taking business classes at Clark College.

Because Jess has always worked for non-profit organizations, with salaries that have never topped $36,000 a year, and that periodically would lay him off due to lack of funding, losing grants, or changes in the government requirements for particular jobs, we've never had the opportunity to build up much in the way of savings. Every time we have had money in the bank, we've hit a time where we had to use that money to survive.

Conventional wisdom says that it takes at least two years to get a small business up and running, if it ever gets up and running. We don't doubt that wisdom and we know we have a long way to go. We are doing our best to keep our focus on future goals, while also doing everything we can to keep the bills paid in the present. It's a tough balancing act, and right now we'll admit that we're struggling to keep our balance.

I feel that we are in an awkward position because of various unrelated situations among our friends and extended community. I also feel the need to explain that the trips various members of our family are taking this month and next are all being funded by the grandparents. And while it feels a little odd to be sending two of our kids off to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter while we are trying to figure out how we're going to pay the next month's bills, we are exceedingly grateful that we have an extended family that makes fun and adventures possible, even as they are helping us buy toilet paper and other basic household supplies.

I feel like I shouldn't ask for help because there are other people who seem to be constantly asking for help, people who need help a lot more than we do, or people who have suffered tragedies or challenges that make our life look like a walk in the park. We all face different challenges, and it's impossible know everyone else's story, which means that the best bet is often to trust that everyone is doing the best they can where ever they've ended up.

We all make choices and the why behind the choices we make is personal and often complicated. I know that life is more than just the culmination of a series of choices. For instance, our life involves health issues that are beyond our control. Women in my family have been afflicted with Grave's Disease for generations, it's genetic. And, Jess didn't end up with fibromyalgia because of an unhealthy life-style. And then there are the good choices that have created more challenges, instead of fewer. Jess has never taken a job just because it paid more, he has taken jobs because they would enable him to help parents, children, and families. That choice has made his own family's life harder at times, even made it harder for him to be the father he wants to be, but we've supported him in that choice because we believe in following your passions, doing what you are good at doing (even if the pay is crap), and working to make the world a better place.

I also feel that, in certain circles, the prejudice against anyone who might possibly be seen as an expert, or heaven forbid a Guru, causes people look at what Jess is offering with cynicism and criticism.

But here's the truth: Jess is a professional parent educator. He has degrees, work experience, and a whole lot of training under his belt. He has worked with children and families professionally for 20 years. He's been a parent for 17 years this October. He's not some wanna-be, he's the real deal. Someone who can help families in crises, who can help parents who are at a loss as to how to handle their child's behaviors, who can support new dads, and not so new dads, in become involved fathers their kids enjoy spending time with.  Jess doesn't want to be a guru, he does want the opportunity to use his skills and abilities to help families live with greater unconditional love, mutual respect, and stronger relationships.

When people ask what they can do to help sometimes I hesitate because I don't want to ask for too much, other times I simply can't come up with something on-the-spot. Here's an answer that question.

You can help our family by:

  • Posting a link on your web-site, blog, or facebook page, to Jess' book
  • If you've read Jess' book give him feedback, even if it's suggestions of how to make it better, perhaps, particularly if it's suggestions of how to make it better! 
  • Telling people you know about the work Jess does
  • When someone is struggling with the behavior of their child, with being a new parent, or adjusting to parenting a child who isn't exactly the child they expected to have, tell them you know someone who might be able to help.
  • Visit Jess' website to see what he has to offer.
  • "Like" Jess' professional page and share some of the articles he posts. 
  • Ask Jess to speak to a parenting group you're involved with. 
  • Ask Jess parenting questions on his professional facebook wall.
  • Hire Jess to help you with a parenting challenge. He takes confidentiality seriously, no one needs to know you asked for help if you don't want them to.  


You can also help our family by:

  • Hiring Ember as a mother's helper. She's also happy to make My Little Pony cosplay ears to order.
  • Ordering  fandom T-shirts from Tasha. She will make them to order, tell her your artistic vision or ask her to come up with her own design. 
  • Buying hand crafted items from Jess or me. Jess makes cool steampunk-ish sonic screwdrivers and light saber hilts. I crochet and am trying my hand at felted sweater crafts.
  • If you want a babysitter, as opposed to a mother's helper, someone in the family can probably help - which of us will depend on the situation. 
  • If you need a teenager to act, sing and/or dance in a commercial, video, or movie, Clare Marian would love to help you.
  • If you need a young teenager for some voice acting Ember is interested in giving that a try. 


We also happily accept hand-me-down clothing.
If you have 100% Wool Sweaters that have holes in them, I'll love to have them for crafting.

And paypal is always an option:  raisingallies@gmail.com

Some days I'm more hopeful than others. Recently I spent time on the phone trying to work something out with the credit card company only to be told that without an income they aren't willing or able to adjust our minimum payment due. Then they put me through to a credit counselor who went through our entire financial situation in painful detail. In the end she told me that we have done an excellent job of cutting our expenses down to a bare minimum. When it comes to frugal living, I have over 20 years experience, so that came as no surprise. However, once again, because we don't have an income, she couldn't help me. The bottom line was that we can keep doing what we're doing, or we can seek legal help which will lead to filing for bankruptcy. Filing for bankruptcy would decrease our monthly bills by $580 a month at most, making it possible for us to live on a little over $2,000 a month. Ironically, that's what we were living on when Jess was employed. And that's the reason that we believe self-employment is the answer for our family. We don't want to file bankruptcy. We don't want to default on our debts. To avoid doing that Jess needs to make a living wage, and that just hasn't been possible for him to do in the world of non-profits.

Every day we're looking at the situation and considering what else we can do to support our family financially and how we can align our work with our values. Some days it feels like it's hopeless, other days we can still see that vision of what our life could be like if Jess gets his business up and running, if we keep writing books and people actually buy them, if we sell the art we make, if we don't give up. We also see a day when we can give to others, support others during difficult times, and pay forward the kindnesses of those who have helped us through this time of transition.


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