With The Family

Education, Employment and Learning

2011-12-04T13:55:00.000-08:00

This week I wrote a letter to my legislator, Tim Probst, in response to an e-mail he sent out asking his constituents for input on six different economic recovery ideas. You can read the ideas and our exchange here.

In his proposed ideas for economic recovery this statement resonated with my feelings about society, education and children:
"There is dignity in all work, and there are critical skills shortages across all post-secondary levels, from technical training to apprenticeship to two-year degrees to university degrees. Yet our culture seems fixated on a “college or bust” attitude. Too many of our students do not seriously explore their career opportunities at an early age, and too many see themselves as failures if they're not on a college prep pathway."

All too often we discount certain jobs or careers. We look down on people who hold jobs that we feel are beneath us or less worthy than other jobs. Some people look down on jobs that require manual labor while other people scorn white color jobs, it depends on their upbringing, their background, what job they work and the jobs of their friends and relatives. We need to step back and think about how all jobs have value. They have value because they are necessary for the smooth function of our society, they have value because the people who work them enjoy doing them, they have value because we depend on people who do the work that we don't enjoy or can't do ourselves.

As parents we need to support our children's passions and interests. We need to pay attention to what lights up their eyes. And we need to value whatever that might be. We also need to value all types of learning. In some families school is held up as the sacred grail, something that everyone must go through to succeed in life. Our society is presently putting a huge emphasis on science, math and technology. The reality is that only children who really delight in science or math or technology should follow the path towards a career in those fields. The other side of that reality is that there are only a small number of jobs in our society that require advanced learning in those fields.

There are children who were born to dance, draw, create new technology that we can't imagine, find cures to diseases, help families heal from past wounds, cook amazing meals, and to bake fabulous cakes. Some children were born with a passion for heavy machinery and others for flying airplanes; some children run like the wind and others prefer to curl up with a book. Each child is unique and we need to embrace that, support that, and love them for who they are. We should not try to squash them into a one size fits all educational mold that spits them out at graduation prepared for jobs that they will never enjoy. Our children need to know that whatever they love to do, that is what they should be doing.

In the same way we need to value all different kinds of learning. Some children spend hours playing video games or creating new worlds with their computer. Some children want to spend hours in their room drawing pictures, writing stories, or composing songs with their guitar. Some children prefer Legos and building elaborate structures, others want to bake, train their dog to do tricks, or swim for hours at the pool. Learning is taking place in all these situations. This learning is not less valuable than what might take place at school. In fact, this learning is most likely much more important than the learning that takes place in a school. Children should be encouraged to explore their interests and follow their passions. It is precisely by doing this that they will figure out who they are and what they want to do with their lives. For some children school may play a role in their path to a fulfilling future, but for other children school and college are unnecessary at best and quite possibly deterrents in their process of becoming who they are.

It is time to reconsider our attitudes towards education, employment and the messages we are sending children. We need to be respectful of all career paths and all educational options. We need to provide our children with opportunities to explore the amazing possibilities for their lives. As Representative Tim Probst said, "For our students, it means a more accurate view of the real world, a better chance to become the person they are meant to be, and a well-earned sense of pride in themselves, their talents, and their future."

Successful Parent/Child Interactions

2011-08-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

What qualifies as a successful parent/child interaction? The child agrees to do what the parent wants? The child changes their future behavior because of the interaction? The parent accomplishes whatever they were hoping to accomplish through the interaction? The child does not fuss, complain, talk back or argue? The child is obedient?

How do you define a successful parent/child interaction?

My husband and I were have a discussion with one of our girls about painting on the walls. She had painted sea creatures on her bedroom wall and now wanted a larger canvas. Could she paint on the living room walls? We discussed that option and came to the conclusion that in shared areas, like the living room, everyone in the family should have a voice in what was on the walls. As it turned out, not everyone in the family wanted sea creatures painted on the living room walls. We discussed other possible options and we agreed that the hall bathroom was in need of painting and sea creatures seemed at home in a bathroom, so this became her new walls for painting.

For me, a successful parent/child interaction is defined as an interaction when I am the parent I want to be regardless of the situation. When I manage to stay rational and respectful no matter how dramatic the moment or how strong my child's emotions; when I am thoughtful and sincere and I do not expect my child to handle the moment with any more maturity than they are already demonstrating.

When I focus on everyone's needs, instead of getting grumpy about my own needs or discounting the needs of my child, we have a successful interaction. When my child feels love, heard, and understood; when I express how I am feeling without blaming, shaming or making someone else feel guilty we have successful interactions. Any time we feel more connected we have had a successful interaction. When we are silly and get the giggles, solve a problem, watch a movie, work through strong emotions and find our way back to peace, and even when we are sitting together in the same room with each person doing their own thing, we are successful.

When my love for my children is louder than any other voice in my head, any message from society, any critical comment from a stranger on the street or a friend on facebook, when I remember that nothing is more important than my relationship with my children, that is when I am successfully the parent I want to be.

What is important?

2011-08-06T16:25:00.000-07:00

We have been car shopping. We find car shopping to be a long, hot, exhausting process. The used car salesmen are feeling a bit desperate, though some are willing to let us walk away when they hear our price range because they just aren't that desperate. Desperate car salesmen make me uncomfortable. Well, really all car salesmen make me uncomfortable. And I use "salesmen" instead of "salespeople" because we have yet to find a car saleswoman. We visited one lot where the salesmen aren't paid commission but you know that each sale counts because they are quick to step up and do their best to make sure you become their customer, not the customer of some other salesman on the lot. It was at this lot that we met Colin.

Colin was nice enough, eager to figure out exactly what we wanted and to find a vehicle on the lot that would meet our needs. The challenge being that we are quite specific in our search parameters. We took a test drive in a van only to find the air conditioner wasn't working and on that hot drive we started talking about kids. We found out that Colin has a two week old son. He showed me a picture of his wife and son on his phone. I asked if he was getting much sleep and he assured me that since his wife was on maternity leave she was the one on night duty.

It was getting late on a Sunday, we'd been car shopping for hours and had promised our daughter that this was our last stop before heading over to get a blended coffee drink to cool her off, but Colin kept trying to figure out some way to make a sale. There was one other van they had that might work for us but it was in a locked building and wouldn't be on the lot until the next day. Colin asked us to come back in the morning to see that van. He asked what time we would be coming because it was his day off and he would be driving up from Portland. We set up a time, he took down our phone number, and we finally ended our day of car shopping.

As we thought it through we became increasingly uncomfortable with the thought of Colin coming in on his day off to show us a car that we were not at all sure we would be buying. More importantly, we were uncomfortable having Colin come in on his day off when he could be spending precious time with his wife and son.

The next morning we got up early and called the dealer and asked them to let Colin know that we wouldn't be keeping our appointment. Later that day, as we expected, Colin called to see why we had cancelled. I explained that we didn't want him coming in on his day off because we were reevaluating our options and we needed to do some more research. I also said that we thought it was more important that he spend time with his wife and baby than it was for him to come show us a car. He paused and then thanked me for thinking of that. He seemed truly appreciative of our consideration of his new family. And then he was back to being a car salesman and assured me that being a car salesman was a 24 hour a day job and we could contact him at any time.

I wanted to tell him that no matter how important a car sale was at that time, that it was not more important than his wife and baby. Maybe his mother-in-law was visiting and was helping his wife, maybe he was feeling the financial burden of being the provider for a new family, maybe he really needed to make a sale to keep his job, I don't know the details. What I do know is that his wife and son need to know that they are more important than a car sale.

It was a reminder to me that it is easy to get caught up in jobs, obligations, blogging, sports, our "me time" and our friends.We need to remember to show our children, and our partners in parenting, that nothing in our lives is more important than they are. We need to tell them this, but words alone aren't good enough, we need to consistently show them through our choices and actions. We need to make it clear through our body language and our tone of voice. Saying, "I'm here for you" and "you are the most important people in my life" doesn't do any good if they don't have good reason to trust our words. We need to pay attention, to our families and the messages we are sending them.

Do we talk on the phone when we need to be talking to our children? Are we ignoring them while we spend time on the computer? Are we getting irritated with their behaviors when their behaviors are our child's best attempt to get our attention, to try and get us to show that we do care, that they are important. Do they feel like something, anything, is more important in our lives?

Our families need to know, deep down inside, without a doubt, that they are the most important people in our lives and that we are there for them no matter what. If they don't feel it then we need to find ways to show them, over and over, until they know they can trust us, until they have no doubts. And then we need to show them again. Every day, in big ways and small ways, we need to be showing our families that they are more important to us than anything else in the world.

Hate Speech is Not Acceptable

2011-07-06T21:53:00.000-07:00

LZ Granderson wrote, "Permissive Parents, Curb your brats" which left me feeling sad and upset. Here was an gay man of African descent who has won awards from organizations such as the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation which promotes "understanding, increases acceptance, and advances equality." A man who would not stand for hate speech towards members of the gay community and yet he spews it towards children. A man who subtly advocates for corporal punishment in our schools says that parents should not rule out spanking young children and yet I seriously doubt he would support violence towards LGBT people.

Vickie wrote a thoughtful response to LZ's piece, "LZ Granderson Needs a Hug. He's having a tantrum." Vickie reminds us what it's like to be a child and she points out something that came to my mind when I was reading LZ Granderson's original piece:

"I think that deep down inside any adult who hates children must be a child who was raised to hate himself.

If he didn't deserve love as a child when he "misbehaved," then no child does. You can hardly blame him for feeling this way. It is part of a cycle that leads to more and more misunderstandings of how children should be and how we should be and how we should force them to behave."

What must his early years have been like? He's a successful writer now, but once upon a time he was a boy. He grew up, married, had a son, got divorced and now he lives with a partner and is an openly gay sports writer. How could his life experiences have not brought out a more compassionate attitude towards all people? What must his childhood have been like for him to hate children so much that he would post a opinion piece about it on CNN. Or maybe it's their parents he hates.

A couple threads on facebook lead me to do some serious thinking about how our society views children. Which lead me to write the following:

Imagine if I said, "Why do they let those old people onto planes? They take forever to get to their seats. They can never get their own bags in the overhead bins so *strangers* have to help them if a flight attendant isn't right there. They have to get up to go pee all the time. Then they have to get up to walk because of their lack of circulation. It's so annoying when they grab my seat for stability. Then they need to get up when the drink cart is in the isle and the attendants have to move back and it makes everyone wait for their drinks. I give the old people really nasty looks so they'll know I don't think they belong on the plane. I hate it when they forget to turn up their hearing aides so they talk Really Loud and you can hear them from rows and rows away. And if you have to sit by them the want to talk to you, I mean make conversation! I just want to be left alone. I can't stand old people. They completely ruin the flight for me, it really pisses me off. Their families should lock them up in nursing homes where they belong.

I've heard complaints like these about children countless times and yet it would be shocking to most people to hear the same thing said about the elderly. Simply put, we should not be disrespectful to senior citizens or to children. They are people, just like we are. They belong out and about in our communities just like everyone else. They need and deserve the love and support of the whole community particularly because they may need a little extra help now and then. Just as the families who care for them may need extra support and understanding.

We were children and hopefully we will live to be old. Why do we deny them what we ourselves should have had when we were young and hope to have when we are old?

I had just finished writing when someone posted a link to this: "Majority of US Adults Had Troubled Childhoods: Study finds that nearly 60 percent lived with abuse or other difficult family situations."

"About a quarter of the more than 26,000 adults surveyed reported experiencing verbal abuse as children, nearly 15 percent had been physical abused, and more than 12 percent -- more than one in ten -- had been sexually abused as a child."

We need to stop the perpetuation of abuse and trauma in families. We need to stand up and say, "Hate speech is not acceptable towards anyone." I can't believe that I have to point out that hate speech and violence towards children is wrong.

It's the Process

2011-06-07T11:16:00.000-07:00

When our children are very young and we decide to do any kind of project with them it is vital to remember that it is the process, not the final product, that matters. If it's a craft project it will not end up looking like the pretty picture of the completed project on the pages of Family Fun Magazine. Those pictures are almost impossible to duplicate by anyone considering the projects were completed by a skilled adult artist with all the right tools. If we are baking we need to let go of the idea of perfectly shaped cookies and be glad that some of the cookie dough made it onto the pan and into the oven. What matters is not what we end up with as a product, what matters is how much fun we have along the way, that our child had a positive experience that leaves open the possibility of doing another fun project in the future, that our child got to feel the texture of the dough or select the colors of paint that ended up more or less on the paper. And we need to expect a lot of mess to clean up afterwards, particularly if there is glitter involved.

When we take on any kind of project, supporting our children in expressing their creativity is important. Letting go of the picture perfect finished product and embracing their enthusiasm as they explore the medium and create something that reflects who they are in that moment should be our focus. When we get caught up in telling our children what to do and how to do it, with the expectation that not only will they finish the project but that it will look "right," we often destroy the joy of the process for our children and ourselves. Projects of any kind are best seen as a starting place, a jumping of spot, an inspiration, and where it goes from there is up to your child as you get into the process and start creating.

The idea of focusing on the process and not the product applies to other areas of our relationships with our children, not just art, crafts and baking. In the broadest sense we need to focus on the process of childhood and not on how we want our children to "turn out." We should keep our eyes on how we can meet our child's needs today, not on the person we want our child to become in the future.

This concepts of process and product came to mind after I spent a great deal of time the past two months supporting two of my children through the process of deciding if they were going to go to camp for the first time this summer. If you and I had talked about summer plans back in April I would have said that two of my children would be attending camp, one in June and one in August. When you have to sign up over 6 months before camp begins, there is a lot of time between sending in your deposit and when you have to send in the rest of your payment to process the idea of going to camp. As it turns out, neither of my children will be attending camp this summer, but I think they might next year. I signed them both up for their respective camps, I sent in the required deposits, and in the end I contacted the necessary people to cancel each registration. For one of the camps the deposit, $150, was non-refundable. While some parents might get upset about the time and energy and money spent on something that resulted in nothing, I see it as part of the process. This year was part of the process that my children need in order to get to a place where they are comfortable spending a week or two at camp. The time and energy and money wasn't wasted, it was an investment in the process. If my children never end up going to camp then it was an investment in my children figuring out that they are not really interested in going to camp. The out come is irrelevant, it's the process that matters.

As parents we are here to support our children through the process each day, that's what is important. If that means picking up a child from a sleepover at 2 a.m. or feeding a pet that a child isn't ready to take full responsibility for, or making a snack at 11:00 p.m. for a child who is going to stay up into the wee hours reading a new book, it's all part of the process. When we support our children with unconditional love and respect they can fully engage in the process, and that can bring about some pretty amazing results.

Privacy and Trust in the Tween and Teen Years

2011-06-05T14:58:00.000-07:00

My girls were talking to me about the rules and requirements that some of their friends live with. They told me of parents who read every text their child sends and parents who read every facebook message. Imagine for a moment that your children told you that they were going to read everything that you post of facebook, every text you sent, every private message, and every e-mail. Imagine your child reading every communication between you and your closest friends.

Or perhaps it's easier for you to imagine how would you feel if your spouse, partner or your own parents made you hand over your cell phone and computer at the end of the day so that they could see everything you had done. Can you tell me that you never need a space to vent? That you never have a day when something is going on with you and your spouse, or your child, that you need to talk about privately with a close friend? That you never have something to say to someone else in confidence?

Your children need that, too.

Two of my children have cell phones and all three of them have their own netbooks. They have friends all over the world and they communicate with them via texting, facebook, tumblr, skype and polyvore. I know this because they have talked to me about it, by choice, not because I have checked. I do not snoop. I do not use their computers without asking first and if they prefer that I not use their computers, I don't. If they leave their computer sitting on the couch with tabs open I don't glance over to see what they have been doing. As far as cell phones, I don't know how to use one so I wouldn't know how to read their texts.

Before you start leaving comments about how irresponsible I am, let me assure you that my children know about using safe search, and that there are icky people on the internet, they know that it's not a good idea to post their full name or address anywhere, they understand that clicking on some links can infect their computer with a virus or take them to places they aren't ready to go. But more than the knowledge of internet safety, my children and I have a relationship based on trust. They can trust me not to snoop and I trust them to let me know if they have concerns when they are out and about in cyber-land. If they are not sure if something is a good idea they may ask my opinion, though usually I don't know much more than they do so we may research together or talk about the trust worthiness of a specific site.

Parents who snoop through their children's communications without their children's knowledge, and parents who require full access to their children's cell phone and computers, will tell you that it's for their child's own good. They will tell you that they are doing it to keep their child safe. They will tell you that it's their right as a parent to know what is going on in their child's life.

What do parents gain by intruding on their child's friendships and personal communication? Sometimes I wonder if the parent's primary reason really is to protect their child or if it's more because they can't stand not knowing every little detail about their child's life, or their need to feel in control. The reality is that the more parents snoop and the more they intrude, the more the child is going to hide and find sneaky ways of doing things under their parents' radar. Whatever parents hope to gain by intruding they lose a whole lot more, they lose their child's trust.

As your children get older, and by that I mean the tween years through the teen years, approximately ages 10 through 17, they increasingly need their own space. They are expanding their explorations of who they are and how they fit into the world. They need space and privacy to figure things out. They need to be able to write stories that you never read, to text or tweet how they are really feeling and the chance to dream about the future with their friends with no adults present. They need your trust and support, not invasion of their privacy.

Did you ever do things your parents didn't know about when you were younger? Did your parents ever forbid you from doing something that you found a way to do anyway? Did you sneak out at night? Smoke cigarettes or drink beer with your friends?

Do you think that your children aren't smart enough to find ways to get around your rules and restrictions? I know kids with secret facebook accounts, and most kids know how to clear a browser history. If you really want to keep your child safe you need to have a relationship based on trust. You need to have a real relationship based on respect and partnership. If you are snooping and checking and demanding access you can be sure that your child will find ways to avoid detection. The more your child feels the need to hide things from you the greater the chance that your child will get into a bad situation that you don't know about. The more distance there is between you and your child the greater the chance that someone will prey upon your child, using that distance to their advantage.

I've never controlled what my children do on the internet. Because of that my children don't need look at things at a friend's house that they can't see at home, they don't need secret accounts where a predatory adult may start gaining their trust. If you think I'm naive because you just know my children have done and seen things on the internet that I don't know about then you're missing the point. Of course my children have done and seen things on the internet that I don't know about. As they get older they gradually expand their exposure to topics relating to sex and relationships, as they are comfortable, as they feel ready. It's not about my comfort level, it's not up to me to decide what they are ready to view. They need room to explore things without me looking over their shoulder. I'm here if they want to talk about things they've read or seen, but that's up to them as well.

Didn't you do the same thing when you were a young teenager? Maybe you secretly read romance novels or headed over to a friend's house to look at pictures of naked women in a magazine. Perhaps you got into an R rated movie with an older friend or sibling.

Children in the tween and teen years need space and privacy. It's part of their process. They need to spend hours in their room alone or with friends. Not only do they need privacy so they can talk to their friends about their lives and your parenting, their friends may also desperately need to be able to talk to your child in confidence about their own life, relationships and parents. When we demand to know everything they say and do we create a disconnect. When we intrude on their personal communications we give them reason to be angry, hurt and distrustful. When we have a relationship build on trust, and as a part of that we respect our children's privacy and their need for space, our relationship with them grows closer and more peaceful. With all the complaining I hear about tweens and teens it seems to me that every parent would be interested in a closer, more trusting and more peaceful relationship with their older child. It may seem to good to be true, but it is possible and it depends upon you, not your child.

Reflecting

2011-05-31T09:52:00.000-07:00

Our family is home again after spending 5 days with 700 people at an unschooling conference. This conference is the one family vacation that we find a way to afford each year. We spend time with like minded families talking, making music, learning, and laughing. While reading the online group list for people who attend the conference, the facebook group wall and interacting with people over the long weekend one thought kept tripping me up. I would read something or see a behavior of someone attending and I would think, "That makes the conference look bad." Because the conference is so important to our family, a sacred time when we get to turn a hotel into a home that we share with some of our favorite people in the world, I feel protective. I don't want anything to ruin this amazing experience. I want everything that is said and done to reflect well upon the conference and unschooling.

Considering there are 700 people with diverse backgrounds, all at different places on their journey as parents, as unschoolers, and as people, it's not a realistic expectation that any of us can make it through a weekend of too little sleep and too much stimulation without ever saying or doing something we might think better of during our usual day to day life. I can think of several times when I was reactive, I know there were situations that I could have responded to with more compassion, and there were even a few moments when I could have interacted with children more respectfully.

As the weekend progressed I found myself thinking a different thought, "Why is it anyone's job to make the conference look good?" It's a crazy and intense time and everyone there is doing the best they can in the situation. People attend for the same reasons my family attends, and maybe for a few reasons all their own. We aren't there to make the conference look good, we are there to embrace the experience, to learn and grow and have fun. We learn as much from the moments when we don't quite get it right as we do from those moments when we think, "I totally rock!" What we don't need is people criticizing our less than stellar moments because we might be making the conference or unschooling look bad. What we do need is people supporting us and saying, "Hey, it looks like you're having a rough time, can I help?"

I started to think about how parents want their children's behavior to reflect well upon their family. Parents get upset when their kids do something that might make the parents or the family look bad. Parents want their kids to get good grades, succeed in sports and/or the arts, and to be polite, among other things, to make the parents look good. Your children aren't here to make you look good. It isn't your child's job to do things your way so you can bask in the glow of having a "good kid." Your children are here to learn and grow and have fun. Your children are here to be their authentic selves, not to be a "good kid." Life can be crazy and intense and over stimulating. There will be times when your children are frustrated because something didn't turn out the way they hoped it would, they will be in emotionally difficult situations, they won't always do or say what they wished they had done or said. In those moments they don't need punishment, criticism or an "I told you so!" In those moments they need our unconditional love. They need someone there to say, "Hey, it looks like you are having a rough time. I'm here for you in what ever way might help."

I'm a better parent when...

2011-05-07T10:30:00.000-07:00

I have been sick for a few months. The herbs, vitamin therapy and medication are starting to have an effect and my energy is beginning to increases. This is a very good thing, particularly since my husband suffers from chronic illness and our family depends upon me to be the parent who consistently functions. However, I have noticed that the improvement of my health has actually caused some challenges in being the parent that I want to be. When I was exhausted, sitting on the couch for hours out of the day watching multiple episodes of "Bones" on Netflix was fine. When I was sick and doing the absolute bare minimum to get through each day my expectations for myself and everyone else were also at a bare minimum. Now that I am starting to feel better I want to get things done. I want to make up for the months of inertia, get the house cleaned up, get rid of piles and generally do everything that I haven't managed to do in the past 1.5 decades of parenthood. As my expectations increased I realized that in some ways I was a better parent when I was sick. Our life was a mess but our relationships were better. I had all kinds of time to be present for my children. I wasn't hurrying about trying to get things done and getting annoyed if they interrupted with needs or if they didn't feel the same need to get things done. When I was too tired to crochet while sitting on the couch, I was too tired to fight my body's need for rest. I rested all the time. Now that I have energy sometimes I stop paying attention to my body and try to do more than I have energy to do. As a result I get tired, frustrated, and irritable with my family.

This experience has reminded me take time to reflect when there is conflict or tension in the house so that I can figure out what is keeping me from being the parent I want to be. I find it interesting that something so wonderful as feeling healthy and having energy was having negative repercussions. As we all readjust to the most recent changes in my health, changes for the better, I'm reminded that all changes require a period of adjustment. When I stopped to think about it I realized that this is actually quite common for families. Things that are supposed to be good, that should be fun or could be positive, result in the need for a period of adjustment, turn out to be a bad fit for the family or require an adjustment of expectations or attitude on the part of the parents. When we are growing and learning as a family change is constant. We are continually adjusting to where each person is on their journey. It should not surprises us when things get out of balance.

When change happens and we are adjusting we need to remember that it is a process. We need to remember that not everyone will adjust to change in the same way or in the same amount of time. As parents we are adjusting to our children's ever growing skills and abilities at the same time they are adjusting to having those skills and abilities. We are adjusting to having a baby who now walks at the same time our baby is adjusting to being able to walk. We are adjusting to having a teenager who dates at the same time our teenager is adjusting to dating. I am adjusting to having more energy and being able to get things done at the same time as my children are adjusting to having a mom who wants to zip around and clean up the house. Focusing on our relationships with our children, and our connection with them, can make meeting all of our various needs during times of adjustment easier.

What is good to know...

2011-04-29T11:36:00.000-07:00

This week the sign outside our neighborhood elementary school reads:

"Whatever is good to know is hard to learn."

After a quick google, the only source I could find was in the introduction to a course at Princeton entitled, "Animal learning and decision making: Psychological, Computational and Neural Perspectives." A three hour class taught on Tuesdays from 1:30 - 4:30 p.m. the Fall of 2010. I hope the students who took the course ate a light lunch, brought a big mug of coffee and were intrinsically motivated to learn about the topic. At the bottom of a screen about operant conditioning was the quote, cited as a Greek proverb. Since the e-mail addresses for the professors was listed I am tempted to ask them why they chose to add this quote, particularly since the other screens are quote free. I also want to know if they believe this quote. Is it true? Do they have scientific proof, that "whatever is good to know is hard to learn"?

Do you believe this is true?

What have you learned in your lifetime? To talk, walk, cook, drive a car? What do you love to do? Is it hard to learn the skills to do something that you enjoy? Even if it's challenging, takes time and there are frustrating moments, if you are engaged, excited and interested, learning does not feel hard.

In my own life I have enjoyed learning to bake, garden, crochet and blog. There may have been moments of frustration when the recipe turned out inedible, the slugs ate my lettuce, I had to rip out all of the stitches and try again, and my writing fell flat, but it wasn't hard. It was part of the journey.

What is good to know?

Do you need to know the same things as someone who lives somewhere else? What is good to know in Florida definitely differs from what is good to know in Alaska. What is good to know in Australia is decidedly different from what is good to know in Greenland. What is good to know in Brooklyn or LA is different from what is good to know in Lost Springs, Wyoming. What is good for me to know is not necessarily what is good for you to know, you may not need to know anything about yarn, garden seeds and vegetarian cooking.

What message was the school trying to give children by posting this message on the board? If you were a 10 year old on a school bus going past that sign what would you think? "Today I have to go to school and I'm supposed to learn stuff and it's going to be hard." "What's so good about this stuff I've got to learn for the test on Friday?" "If it's going to be hard why bother." What purpose is served by sending children the message that learning is hard?

While I was thinking about the message on the sign I happened to read Alfie Kohn's article, “'Well, Duh!' -- Ten Obvious Truths That We Shouldn’t Be Ignoring" number eight on this list is:

"8. Just because a lesson (or book, or class, or test) is harder doesn't mean it's better

First, if it’s pointless to give students things to do that are too easy, it’s also counterproductive to give them things that they experience as too hard. Second, and more important, this criterion overlooks a variety of considerations other than difficulty lever by which educational quality might be evaluated.

We know this, yet we continue to worship at the altar of "rigor." I've seen lessons that aren't unduly challenging yet are deeply engaging and intellectually valuable. Conversely, I've seen courses -- and whole schools -- that are indisputable rigorous...and appallingly bad."

For children if something is hard to learn perhaps it is not relevant to their life or interests. Perhaps it isn't being presented in a manner that fits the child's learning style. Perhaps they aren't cognitively ready to learn whatever it is that someone else has decided would be good for them to know.
Learning is good. Learning is fun, engaging, and exciting. Learning is innate, we do it from before we are born and keep doing it all our lives. But forget the ideas that learning is hard and that making children learn things is good. Those ideas quickly snuff a child's natural love of learning that blossoms when a child is learning at their own pace, in their own way, following their passions.

"What is essential is to realize that children learn independently, not in bunches; that they learn out of interest and curiosity , not to please or appease the adults in power; and that they ought to be in control of their own learning, deciding for themselves what they want to learn and how they want to learn it." ~ John Holt ~ How Children Learn

"Enjoy Media with Your Kids Week"

2011-03-31T16:53:00.000-07:00

I was invited to attend the following event on Facebook:
Screen-Free Week (http://www.screenfree.org/) is a national celebration where children, families, schools and communities turn off entertainment screen media (TV, video games, computer games, apps, etc.) and turn on LIFE! It's 7 days to unplug and play, read, daydream, create, explore nature, and spend time with family and friends.

My RSVP is "No," our family will not be attending.

Our LIFE is heavily invested in screen time. Turning off screens would result in no communication with many of our family and friends with whom we only communicate via text, skype and facebook. We wouldn't be able to learn about science via watching Myth Busters and Bones, my girls wouldn't be able to work on stories they are writing, daydream on Polyvore, look up plants and animals and a lot of other nature related topics, or read fan fiction. The way I look at it, we play, read, daydream, create, explore nature and spend time with family and friends through and with media. I don't see that as a negative, I see it as an amazing blessing that comes from living in this day and age. We can learn anything we want any time we want, together, with the click of a mouse.

If you have read my blog before you should know that I would never impose "Media Free Week" upon my family. I think that if kids want to participate that's cool, but if they do not then turning off media becomes a negative, creates conflict in families and it can feel like punishment. I know some families enjoy Media Free Week. The parents and kids are on board for the challenge and they make it fun together, but those families are rare. Most kids feel pushed, forced or manipulated. Schools, parents and toy stores do their best to bribe kids into participation with toys, stickers or other rewards. Rewards do not increase a child's intrinsic motivation to do something again on their own. In facts, when you bribe or reward a child for a behavior they are less likely to engage in that behavior by choice. If you don't believe me take the time to read Alfie Kohn's book "Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason."

I believe someone should start "Enjoy media with your kids week" to encourage parents to sit down and watch a movie, play a game or text with their kids more often. It is very likely that you will strengthen your relationship with your children a whole lot more by turning on media with them instead of turning off media for them.

"Researchers found that girls that played video games with their parents (mainly their fathers - not many mothers questioned admitted they played video games) were better behaved, felt more connected to their families, felt less aggressive, and demonstrated decreased levels of internalizing, which can lead to depression."

Spoiled?

2011-02-08T12:50:00.000-08:00

My daughters have had friends tell them that they are spoiled. These comments have lead to conversations at our house about what it means to be spoiled and what would cause someone to say that about someone else. Why would other kids say that my girls are spoiled? We live in a house with sub-flooring in the living room (we pulled up the nasty old carpet but haven't had funds for flooring), with one car that is uncomfortably small for our family and we consider sharing foot long sandwiches at Subway eating out. The children who have called my girls spoiled come from families with more material possession such as larger TV's, gaming systems, and more new clothes. Their families have multiple cars and have gone on really cool vacations. These are nice families who do activities together and these kids have "good parents." Why on earth would they think my children are spoiled?

One of my girls suggested that when one kid calls another spoiled it is usually because they are jealous or they want something the other kid has. We discussed what the girls might have that the other kids didn't and an immediate answers was, "We have our needs met." I think there are probably many aspects of our family's life that could bring up feelings of envy in other children, for example: not having to go to school, not being required to do chores, being able to decide what and when to eat, being able to choose if and when they play indoors or out, sleeping when they are tired and getting up when they are rested, having the freedom to choose if they want to join in a family activity or not, and being accepted for who they are. When children look at our family and call my girls spoiled it is not about material possession and money, it's about connection, respect, and the fact that in our family children know that their needs are important. That's how we live at our house.

When adults talk about children being spoiled it means something different. Adults are often suggesting that indulgent parents are creating "spoiled brats." Adults aren't really concerned that the children are being given too much, adults are concerned that the children's behavior will become a problem (to the adults) because the children get what they want. When I talk about meeting my children's needs, and saying yes to the things that they want as often as humanly possible, I know that there are adults out there thinking that I'm spoiling my children. These people think my children will turn out to be ungrateful, disrespectful, spoiled brats who are unable to delay gratification. They think that children need to be taught how to deal with not getting what they want, that children need these lessons for their own good. These adults think that doing for children that they could do for themselves will create me-centered monsters who only think about themselves and disregard the needs of others. These parents are sure that their children have to be made to do chores or they will never learn how to be helpful. These parents will tell you that's just how life is.

For these adults it will probably come as a surprise that children who have their needs met do not grow up to be spoiled brats with "problem behaviors". Children who grow up to be stereo-typical spoiled brats, throwing fits to get what they want, being demanding and disrespectful of their parents, are not children who have had their needs met. These are usually children whose parents buy them stuff, but deny them unconditional love and connection. Parents who fail to meet their children's emotional needs. Parents who try to make their children happy with presents but who deny them their actual presence. When children regularly do not have their needs met they get desperate, this desperation can take the form of behaviors that people think come from being spoiled. If you see a child and you find your self thinking, "What a spoiled brat!" take a moment to see how the parent is treating the child. Is the parent creating Conflict or Connection? Is the parent focused on the needs of the child? Is the child hungry, tired, or over stimulated? Is it possible the child has a history of having needs that have not been met?

Children who regularly have their needs met, who trust the adults in their lives to be respectful of their needs and to support them in getting their needs met, do not have to rely on extreme behaviors to draw attention to their needs.

"The baseline fear is that if we give our children what they want, they will always want more. However, this theory is rarely tested because we seldom keep giving until they are satisfied. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy because they don’t get enough opportunities to learn what “enough” feels like."

Scott Noelle

Punishment and Consequences

2011-01-29T09:45:00.000-08:00

Punishment or Consequence?

Natural Consequences or Logical Consequences?

Punishment: suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution (merriam-webster.com)

Punishment is something you do to your children. I can't say "we do to our children" since I do not punish my children. I have been involved in several discussions lately where parents have implied, or stated out right, that you cannot raise children without punishment because they won't be ready for life as adults. They think That's just the way life is so they are doing their job and preparing their children for the harsh realities of life.

Consequence: something produced by a cause or necessarily following from a set of conditions (merriam-webster.com)

Consequences happen as the result of cause and effect. If you jump up and down long enough you will get tired. If you take a bath you are going to get wet.

The term "Logical consequences" has come to mean a consequence that is determined by a parent to be the logical punishment for a child's behavior or action. Some parents and parenting experts think that it is logical to create consequences in addition to the natural consequences. Any consequence that you dole out, influence, or create as a parent is actually a punishment.

Natural consequences on the other hand happen without any effort on the part of the parent. Natural consequences are those things that happen naturally. Life is hard enough, you don't have to make these up. However, some parents feel the need to enhance natural consequences by not stepping in to support their child and some parents feel the need to use natural consequences as a "teachable moment" by pointing out the consequence and shaming the child in the process.

Yes, there are natural consequences in life for adults and yes, there are natural consequences for kids, too. However, as adults with more life experience I think that we can often soften the natural consequences for our children, as opposed to making them more harsh with "logical consequences." Children do not have the life experience and maturity to always understand what the consequences of a behavior or choice will be. If we know that our child splashes in puddles we can plan ahead and bring along a change of clothes where ever we go. How much kinder than looking at our soggy child and saying,"You'll just have to be wet and cold, there's nothing I can do about it." Yes, there is something you can do about it, you can show your child the kindness of having extra clothes at the ready.

For those of you who think that parents must punish children or they won't grow up prepared for the realities of life and for those of you who think that we must make sure our children suffer the consequences of their choices and behaviors, I ask you, what is wrong with treating our children how we would like to be treated? If your husband was getting ready to go to work and he couldn't find the tie that matched his shirt would you tell him that was the consequence of his not hanging it back up, and continue drinking your cup of coffee while he searched on in frustration? If you headed for the door only to find that your keys weren't in their usual place would you expect your children to tell you that was the consequence of not putting them were they belong as they continue to playing their game?

We all forget things, we all lose things, we all make mistakes. When we do isn't it wonderful when someone goes out of their way to help us out, offer us support or tell us they know what it's like because they had the same thing happen once upon a time? We're human, we are imperfect, we don't always get it right. Our children are human and imperfect and they are also new to this world. Why would we expect them to always get it right? They have so much to learn and we have the opportunity to support them in the learning process.

If my child is heading out the door and cannot find the shoes that would match her outfit I am not inclined to say, "You'll have to wear your sneakers, that's what happens when you don't put your shoes by the door." It doesn't matter if my daughter is 2 or 14, I will do everything I can to help her search for her shoes in the amount of time we have before she heads out the door. Do you think I am making life too easy for my child? Do you think I am helping her avoid the consequences of her behavior? Here's what I think: When I help my child find her shoes I am showing her that I care about her. She knows that her shoes aren't by the door, she knows she can't find them, she knows that it means rushing around at the last minute. And if she's too young to know that, then she's too young to be expected to put her shoes by the door in the first place. For some children keeping track of their shoes is easy, for other children it is a challenge. There is no one age when a child is old enough or should know better. Children will do the best they can. If a child fails to meet your expectations than your expectations are out of line, not the child.

"Being kind to everyone includes being kind to our children, our partners, and ourselves. Kindness begins at home. When children live in a world of kindness they internalize being kind, they understand that when someone is kind to you it feels warm and fuzzy, and they understand that when you are kind to someone else you both feel blessed. Children who experience kindness and respect in their homes are more likely treat others they meet with kindness and respect." (from my post Be kind to everyone)

As Dana Ellis said, "Yeah, the whole "natural consequences" thing always annoys the shit out of me. My family doesn't hold ME to that! If someone else is making dinner and I get home after dinner, they don't tell me I can't eat! They ask if I want some warmed up! Or if I can't find my shoes they don't make me wear others--everyone crawls around under the furniture to find them for me! It doesn't make me less likely to lose my shoes, it just makes me more happy I have the family I have! :)"

If you think you have to punish your children, create consequences for their behaviors, or let them suffer the natural consequences without support please reconsider. Punishment does not need to be a part of parenting. Learn about unconditional parenting and living a life with your family built on a foundation of unconditional love, respect, trust and connection. If you don't think you have the time to read books here are some articles to get you started:

"The Case Against Time Out" by Peter Haiman

"Parental Love with Stings Attached" by Alfie Kohn

"Atrocious Advice from the Super Nanny" by Alfie Kohn

From my blog:

"Problem Behaviors"

"Arbitrary parenting"

And pretty much every other blog post :)

"I hate you!"

2011-01-27T14:24:00.000-08:00

A reader asked how I handle things when siblings are saying (or yelling) "I hate you!" to each other. Here is my reply:

I've struggled with the "I hate you!" statements made by my children towards each other. It can be hard not to feel reactive when people you love, and who you hope will love each other, are using the word hate to describe how they feel. However, that was actually the answer for me, realizing that the word was being used to describe how they were feeling.

If I say "Don't say that!" I am discouraging them from expressing their feelings. The reality is that they are using such a strong word to express some very strong feelings. When there are strong feeling swirling around it is easy to get sucked into the situation and become emotional or angry. However, I have learned that if I can disconnect from the word they are using and connect with the emotions they are feeling it makes it a lot easier for me to stay calm and compassionate.

It is then easier to say, "You are really feeling angry towards your sister," instead of lashing out at the use of the word hate. Sometimes validating their strong feelings can help diffuse the situation and lead to each child feeling more heard and understood. Sometimes we have to step back and make room for the children work it out for themselves, particularly with older children. In that case we can then make time later on to reconnect with each child to provide them with the opportunity to talk with us about what happened and how they felt about it and how they are now feeling.

If we get distracted by the words that our children use it is easy to lose sight of what our children need. If we start scolding our child for using a particular word we are creating a disconnection. If we focus on how our children are feeling and what their needs are we are creating connection.

Parenting Without Hate

2011-01-26T14:31:00.000-08:00

What can you do to promote world peace?

Go home and love your family.

~Mother Teresa

Some parents seem to think that hate is a necessary part of the parent/child relationship. They believe that if they are doing their job there will be times when their children will hate them. They assume that teenagers will be angry and resentful and that there will conflict. When a parent says publicly, in real life or on-line, that their child is mad at them because of some punishment other parents will respond with support. The other parents say that it's normal, that the child will get over it, that the parent needs to stay strong, and that it's important for children to know who's boss. Some parents think that they have to use punishments that will upset their children and make their children angry. They think that they have to do this to control problem behaviors.

Definition of HATE: intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury (Merriam-Webster.com)

Is that really what you want for your family? Do you want your children to hate you? Do you want yelling and screaming and tears? Do you want hostility and aversion to be a part of your relationship with your children? Do you want your children to fear you?

Do you remember being punished as a child? Did it make you less likely to do something again or less likely to get caught the next time? Did punishments make you more likely to do something because it was the right thing to do or less likely to do something because you were afraid of punishment? When you were sent to your room did you think about what you had done or did you think about how mad you were at your parents?

Many parents think that by punishing their children they are being "good parents." Some parents parent this way because it was how they themselves were raised. Many parents simply do not know that happy, confident, loving, generous, capable children can be raised without parenting that causes conflict in the parent/child relationship. Many parents don't know that the most effective way to have children who are all of those things does not involve punishment, bribes, rewards or other forms of parental manipulation and control. If you don't believe me I encourage you to read Alfie Kohn's book "Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason."

Parenting does not need to involve hate. In fact, parenting should not involve hate. Parenting should be based on unconditional love, respect, compassion, trust and connection. Imagine a family without conflict, without yelling, without punishment, without consequences that are created by parents. Imagine a home where parents respect the children and the children trust the parents. This is not some fantasy I've created in my mind, this is how families I know are living today. This is how my family lives.

Do you enjoy parenting? Do your children enjoy spending time with you? Do your children choose to spend time with you? Do you choose to spend time with your children? Do you want to have relationships built on trust and mutual respect? Do you want to be able to trust your children? Do you want your children to trust you?

We can be our children's partners on the journey of life. We can live together joyfully in peace. This is possible when we meet the needs our our children. Meeting our children's needs is The Easy Button of Parenting.

If you are parenting with punishments and find that yelling, tears and even hate have become a regular part of your family it is time to look at what is causing the conflict. My blog post on Triggers which will help you begin identifying and neutralizing the triggers that are causing conflict.

It is never too late to create a more loving and peaceful relationship with your children. I know because I made dramatic changes in my parenting when my children were between the ages of 8 and 12. I am now enjoying the teenage years of my oldest daughter which lead me to write "Hopefully some day you will have a teenager." I'm actually looking forward to when I have three teenagers in the house.

Hate has no place in our house. If my children are angry with me than I know I need to find out why and figure out what I can do to reconnect. Notice that the above sentence is all what I need to do, not what my children need to do. I do not want my children feeling "intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury" because of something I have done. If they do then I need to examine my behavior and apologize for what I have done. Have you apologized to your children for your behavior lately? Perhaps that's a good place to start as you begin to change your own behavior and learn to parent without hate.

If we have no peace,

it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.

~Mother Teresa

That's just how life is...

2011-01-21T12:15:00.000-08:00

Most parents will tell you that they are preparing their children for life. Most people would agree that this is part of the parental job description. My question is, what kind of life are we preparing them for?

Parents justify all kinds of parenting decisions by saying, "That's just the way life is." When a child has a teacher who is harsh and negative, or one they just don't get along with, a parent will say, "She needs to learn how to deal with people like that because some day she will have to work for a boss who is like this teacher." When a child doesn't like the food that the parent prepared for dinner the parent may say, "This is what's for dinner, you need to learn to eat what you are given. There will be times in life where you don't have a choice about what you eat." When a child is teased by another child the parent may say it is a normal part of childhood and that their child needs to toughen up. When a child tries a new sport or activity, and finds out that they really don't enjoy it, their parent will say that they can't quit. They need to learn how to stick with what they have started. The parent will tell you the child needs to learn how to deal with things they don't enjoy doing because they will have a job in the future they don't like. Parents tell their kids that that is just the way life is.

Parents tell their children that they must do what they are told, be respectful of adults, go to bed at a specific time, go to school, complete their homework and do chores. Parents tell their children how much time they can spend on the computer, who they should be friends with, and what and when to eat. Parents try to prepare children for life by controlling them, teaching them lessons, and making them do the things that adults have decided are important. Parents do this because they want to be good parents. They do these things because this is how it was done by their parents before them. Parents often say that they do these things to prepare their children for life. They do these things because they want their children to be prepared for how life is.

How often do we as parents stop and ask why life is the way it is? Do we stop and ask ourselves if we want our child to live in a world were life is set up so that people have bosses they don't get along with and jobs they don't enjoy? Do we consider what life would be like if everyone ate food they liked when they were hungry and participated in activities because the activities brought them joy? Have we considered that not only does life not have to be the way it is, but that life is rapidly changing and it isn't how it was 20 years ago and it won't be the same 20 years from now. We really have no idea what life in the future will be like, we have no idea what the world we are preparing our children to live in as adults will be like.

When we prepare our children for life by teaching them lessons based on the "That's just how life is and you need learn to deal with that" philosophy we are helping to perpetuate life like it is. If we teach our children to accept a life with bosses they don't get along with and jobs they don't enjoy, what life are we preparing them for? Is that the life you would wish for your children?

The next time you say to your kids, "That's just how life is..." or something similar, ask yourself if that is true. Parents tell their children that they have to go to school, that's just how life is. But that's not true. My children don't go to school. Their life isn't like that.

Instead of perpetuating how life is, ask yourself, "What kind of life do I want for my family?" "What do I want my children to know about how life is?"

I want my children to know what foods they enjoy and when they are hungry. I want my children to know how to recognize if a situation, job, relationship, or activity brings them joy. I want them to know how to remove themselves from situations that are not healthy. I want my children to know how to use the resources around them to learn whatever they want to learn. I want my children to know that there are all different kinds of ways to live life and I will be right here with them as they explore the options. I want my children to know that they do not have to accept someone else's definition of how life is.

Compassion

2011-01-14T15:24:00.000-08:00

I am presently reading "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are" by Brené Brown, which I decided to read after watching the author's Ted Talk "The Power of Vulnerability. In the book, Brené Brown talks about how we need to be compassionate and accepting in order to create connection with the people in our lives. I agree with that.

She went on to say, "...if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior." (Brown,2010,p.17) This statement did not ring true for me. I kept reading as she described a work situation where the boss was frustrated because two of his employees did not listen and would always do things their own way even after he made sure they understood every detail of a project. Her answer was to hold the employees accountable for not following the project protocol. She said the boss should tell them that that he was going to write them up or give them an official warning the next time they didn't do things according to protocol. This was holding them accountable. She went on to generalize this idea, "We can confront someone about their behavior, or fire someone, or discipline a child without berating them or putting them down. The key is to separate people from their behaviors - to address what they're doing, not who they are." (Brown,2010,p.18.)

And with that, she had completely lost my agreement. Looking at the work situation I see a boss who says it has to be done one way and employees who consistently do it a different way. Without knowing anything else about the situation I have to ask "why?" " Why is it so important that they do it a specific way?" and "Why do they always do it differently even if they understand how they are supposed to be doing it?" It seems much better for the relationship between the boss and the employees, and for the general work environment, for the boss to find out why the employees are not doing their work according to protocol. There has to be a reason. Employees do not willfully do something against protocol without a reason. Separating the people from the behavior takes away all understanding of why they feel the need for that behavior.

The same is even more true for our children. Children are their behaviors. If you say to a child,"You aren't bad, but your behavior is," however nicely you want to phrase that, you are still saying to the child that they aren't good enough. A child doesn't behave randomly. There is a reason for every behavior. As a parent we need to figure out what need our child is trying to get me through the behavior. When we show compassion for our children we take the time to validate their feelings and experiences. When we take the time to understand the Why? of a behavior our children feel understood, listened to and loved. Children use behaviors to get their needs met. When we as parents focus on stopping behaviors we are only exacerbating the situation, as I explained in my post "Problem Behaviors."

Brené Brown concludes that section of the chapter by saying,"When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated....It is also impossible to practice compassion from a place of resentment. If we're going to practice acceptance and compassion, we need boundaries and accountability." (Brown, 2020,p.19)

Even though she quotes Pema Chödrön in preceding paragraphs regarding compassion, it seems that Brené Brown does not actually understand the Buddhist practice of compassion. Our compassion does not rely on anything outside of ourselves. We can bring compassion to every interaction in our lives, even with those people who we feel have mistreated us and those we have feelings of anger towards. No one needs to change anything before we can practice compassion, they do not need to be held accountable for their behaviors. The only person we need to hold accountable is our self. Are we acting with compassion? Are we doing our best to understand the "Why?" behind someone's behavior? Similarly, the boundaries we may set are for ourselves. We may say, "I will not let you hurt me," and we may remove our self from the situation.

I recently found myself at a red light behind a large pickup truck with truly unpleasant political bumper stickers. I found myself thinking negative thoughts about the driver. Then I remembered a blog post from Single Dad Laughing which said, "And so, I will ask you now to not hate the bullies. Experience tells me that hating them, or being angry with them, will always make it worse. Instead, put your arm around them. Love them. Tell them that they are valuable. Tell them that you expect great things from them. They will stop the bullying. They will stop, because they will start to love themselves. And people who love themselves don't bully others." I started thinking about the driver of the truck as someone who could really use a hug. I felt compassion for someone who felt so angry at the world. Nothing changed but my perspective. I chose to feel compassion for the driver.

We do not need to hold people accountable for their behavior in order to live a life of compassion. We need to hold our selves accountable for our thoughts and behaviors. We must cultivate a spirit of compassion for everyone around us so that our response to their behaviors is not limited to reacting and trying to make their behaviors stop.

"True compassion is not just an emotional response

but a firm commitment founded on reason.

Therefore, a truly compassionate attitude towards others

does not change

even if they behave negatively."

- The Dalai Lama

I found it interesting that the Dalai Lama's message on compassion speaks specifically to the needs of children, starting at conception and continuing through childhood. "Then there is the critical period of brain development from the time of birth up to at least the age of three or four, during which time loving physical contact is the single most important factor for the normal growth of the child. If the child is not held, hugged, cuddled, or loved, its development will be impaired and its brain will not mature properly." This was taken from the middle, visit the Dalai Lama's website to read his message on compassion in its entirely.

Sometimes when we come across a passage in a book that challenges us we find that there is a shift that needs to take place in our lives or in our thinking. We may feel defensive and realize that this is a signal that we need to look more deeply, with an open mind, into something we believe to be true. Other times we may realize that while much of what a particular writer or speaker says is in agreement with our own beliefs and philosophies, we take exception to something in particular. We need to examine the Why? of our own feelings and reactions in order to gain a clearer understanding of the person we want to be and the life we want to live.

The final answer is...

2011-01-06T10:56:00.000-08:00

There is no final answer. If you are looking for a blog that tells you exactly how to live, what to say to your children, what to feed your children, when and how long they should sleep, how they should learn, how many hours a day you should spend together building craft projects to ensure that they will grow up to be happy, healthy, confident, capable adults then you are missing the point. No one can tell you the final answer. You need to live knowing that your life will change, your children will change, what works today may not work tomorrow, what your children enjoy today may be irrelevant tomorrow. I do not know you or your children. I do not know how you have raised them up to this point and I cannot know all the variables in your life. I do not know the final answer on any specific topic, even for myself.

What I do know is this: If your children are happy and feel safe, know that you are there for them no matter what, that nothing they do will make you withdraw your love, that who they are and who they become will not change your love for them, that you are going to do everything you can to make sure their needs are met and that they are more important to you than anything else in the universe, then you should probably keep doing what you are doing.

If you and your children fight or argue frequently, you resent your children and feel the need to vent about them to friends, family and absolute strangers, if your children have "problem behaviors" that leave your frustrated and angry, if you cannot wait for your children to leave the house to go to school, their friends house or to get an apartment of their own, if your family life is full of stress and anxiety, if your children fear you, if your children hide their feelings from you and avoid expressing what they want and need, then you need to consider if this is what you really want for yourself and your children. I'm hoping that this is not what you want for yourself and your children. In that case, I encourage you to keep learning and growing and finding new ways to heal the hurts and create connection, trust, and respect in your family relationships.

How do you want to live as a family? Have you ever written up how you want to live as a family like I did in "How we live at our house." What kind of relationship do you want with your children now and in the future? When you think about your life with your children do you feel warm and fuzzy? Are you comfortable with how you interact with them? Do you feel good about where you are getting information about parenting and living together as a family? Is someone telling you to do things that don't feel right to you? Does it not feel right because it is different from how you were raised, how you believe things have to be, how you believe things should be? Does it not feel right because it is causing conflict between you and your children, making you feel sad when you implement a proscribed punishment, or causing your child distress? There are so many people who will tell you that they know how you should parent, they have the magic solution, they can tell you exactly what to do and guarantee you results. There are no guarantees. Listen to your heart, listen to your children, seek out new ideas about parenting, but be aware that only you can know what really works for your family. No one should be giving you a final answer.

Please remember that when I am writing I cannot cover ever possible variable, every allergy, sensitivity, combination of family members, health issue of parents or children, spiritual path, financial situation and educational option. If I tried to write so that I covered ever possible variable my blog posts would be pages long and my children would not be getting their needs met.

If you feel the need to justify your life, or your parenting, or your relationship with your children after reading one of my blog posts then ask yourself if you are making excuses, feeling defensive because you have doubts about how you are living, or if you actually do have a special situation where what I'm suggesting would not help you and your children live a more connected, trusting, love filled life.

Nothing is more important than my relationship with my children but how we maintain connection, what our relationship looks like, changes, shifts and grows as we grow together.

A Bowl Of Hot Cereal

2011-01-02T12:23:00.000-08:00

A simple bowl of hot cereal.

I decide to have a bowl of hot cereal on this very cold morning. ("Have you considered green smoothies? They are the best way to start your day.") ("Cereal? Have you thought about a veggie omelet? It's really important to start your day with protein.") ("I'm not hungry in the morning, I usually skip breakfast.")

I've burnt the bottom of my smallest sauce pan so I decide to make it in the microwave. ("A microwave? Are you kidding me? Don't you know they change the molecular structure of your food?!? Not to mention the radiation they leak.") ("Oh, I couldn't live without my microwave! It makes heating up leftovers so much easier and the kids can make their own hot chocolate.")

I get out my Bob's Red Mill Creamy Wheat Farina ("You eat wheat?!?! Don't you know that eating grains causes inflammation, ruins your digestion and is really bad for you?) ("Is that wheat whole grain? You really should only eat whole grains.) ("That sounds so nice. I love how content I feel after eating a bowl of hot cereal on a cold day. It reminds me of when I was a kid and my mom made hot cereal for us in the winter.")

I get out my organic raisins. ("You are mixing fruit and grains? Don't you know that you should always eat fruit first thing in the morning and *then* eat your cereal?") ("Organic is good! Got to avoid those pesticides. But where are they from, are they local?") ("Raisins? Ick!! Raisins look like bugs in my cereal. I can't believe you like raisins.")

Once my creamy wheat is cooked to the point of being creamy, I add in some butter. ("Butter? Is it organic? Is it local?") ("Animal fats are really good for you, since you're a vegetarian it's good that you eat butter.") ("Butter? Don't you know that butter leads to high cholesterol?" ) ("Butter? Why would you add fat to such a great low fat food?")

And then I add a touch of soymilk. ("Seriously? You still drink soymilk? Haven't read the studies? Soymilk is so bad for you! Have you considered raw cow milk?") ("I love soymilk on my cereal. It makes me so happy to know that I am not supporting the veal industry, and it's good for me, too.") ("Soymilk? Have you considered a nut milk? Or maybe hemp? That would be so much better for your body.")

Finally, I sprinkle the top with brown sugar. ("Refined sugar? You eat grains and refined sugar?!?! Do you want to end up with diabetes? Don't know know that sugar destroys your immune system. I seriously thought you were smarter than that!") ("Have you considered honey? Honey from local bees would be best. And make sure it's raw.") ("Oh yum, I love brown sugar! I can eat it by the spoonful!")

And I sit down at the computer. ("You eat at the computer? Don't you know about mindful eating?") ("You eat alone at the computer? Don't you eat together as a family? Families that eat together all the time have better relationships.")

And I enjoy eating my cereal.

I think about my friends for whom eating a bowl of wheat cereal would result in an immediate and unpleasant response in their bodies. I think about how thankful I am that I have food to eat, raisins for my cereal and butter in the fridge. I think about the people who would take my simple bowl of cereal, one meal on one day of my life, and turn it into something tragic, some horrific act against my health, a social cause and reason for political action, an excuse to get up on their soap box and bang on their pans (should those be aluminum free, cast iron, soap stone or stainless steel?) And then there are those people who would barely give what I'm eating a second thought as they continued on with their own lives.

And I wonder. Why is what I eat so important to you? You probably don't even know me. Why do you care so much about my bowl of hot cereal? Does my way of eating threaten your way of eating? Do you think that everyone on the planet should eat exactly like you do? What button is my bowl of cereal pushing? If you do know me well you might know that some days I do have green smoothies and some days I have a veggie omelet. Some days I just eat fruit in the morning and some days I have a nice soothing bowl of creamy wheat farina.

May your pantry be full, your fridge over flowing and I hope you enjoy whatever you eat today.

Food as Love

2010-12-31T14:50:00.000-08:00

Moms and food go together. We imagine moms making chocolate chip cookies to go with the milk for the after school snack. Jewish mothers, Italian mothers, and many others stereotypically encourage even their grown children to eat more. Cooking food is how they show their love for you, eating more of what they cook is proof that you love them. In some families dads and food go together, too. Food is not just about calories and fuel for our bodies. The messages that go into the bowl along with the soup are many and complex.

We have a particularly full figured cat. He was large when we adopted him from the shelter and despite all efforts on my part he is still 20 pounds of food fixated feline. Sometimes, when he is staring hopefully at me, while sitting attentively by his bowl, I sing him a song, 'Love is better than food, Love is better than food, Love is better than, Love is better than, Love is better than food." But for him, and for many people, food is love.

I have watched people making my children food: special treats, family recipes, or something they are positive my children will not only like but love. When my children do not like this food, specially prepared for them, the preparer takes it personally. They are disappointed, but it is more than that, they feel rejected because their offering of food has been rejected. Even if the person rejecting the food is three years old, even if the person rejecting the food does so politely.

Food is personal. It is entangled with our culture, childhood, and our memories happy and sad. In a world that can feel big and scary food can be a comfort. We eat foods in hopes of preventing terrible diseases and we avoid foods because we believe they will cause us harm. For some people food is the focus of their Fanaticism. Food is also social, it brings people together and is shared at celebrations and holidays of all types. For people who live with life threatening allergies or diseases like Celiac Disease, living a safe and healthy life among the other food eaters can be challenging and even dangerous.

No matter what our own relationship is with food, our children are born with their own particular set of taste buds, metabolism, sensitivities and tolerances. Our children are born with their own preferences and those preferences expand as our children explore the world and try new things. We can try and make our children eat according to our schedule and expectations, our own preferences and sensitivities. We can try to brainwash our children so that they believe exactly the same things we do about food and nutrition and health. We can try to control and manipulate our children's relationship with food. On the other hand, we can accept our children for who they are. We can respect that they are a different people than we are and what they eat, how and when they eat it, may be drastically different. We can aim to be a Family of Connected Individuals in regards to food as well. We can also remember that our children are going to be in the world, playing at friends' houses, going to school, visiting relatives, shopping in stores, and they are going to be exposed to a wide variety of foods, as well as a lot of different information and ideas about diet and nutrition. They are going to have the opportunity to make choices about food, even if we never give them choices at home.

When we focus on our relationship with our children, instead of on their relationship with food; when we explore life, and food, along side of them as partners, we are available as a resource and a support system. When we have a relationship built on trust and connection, our children know that they can come to us and discuss their thoughts and ideas without being judged, criticized or shamed. When we can let go of our expectations our children are free to express what foods they like or do not like without fears of disappointing us or being forced to eat something.

As parents who love their children we want them to be healthy and we often jump right from that thought to food. We are deeply invested in what they eat, how much they eat and when they eat. Perhaps we are missing out on the importance of Why they eat. Why do your kids eat what, how much and when they eat? Do your kids eat because they are hungry? Do your kids eat foods they enjoy? Do your kids eat as much or as little as feels right to them at the time? Or, do your kids eat because you have told them it is time to eat? Do your kids eat foods because you told them that they have to, or because they want to please you? Do your kids eat the amount you put on their plate because they know they have to eat it all? Do your kids eat to please you?

When we focus on our relationship with our children, instead of on their relationship with food, we can share the joy and pleasure that food brings to our lives. We can share our relationship with food with our children and they can share their relationship with food with us, an exchange of ideas and experiences. Together we can learn and grow as a family with healthy relationships with food and with each other.

"What makes us fat is...."

2010-12-29T22:23:00.000-08:00

It seems that everyone has some theory about what foods make us fat, which foods are evil, and what foods will cure every known illness. The list of what not to eat keeps growing, as does the list of what you absolutely must eat if you are going to be healthy. Most parents want their children to be healthy and often that includes not wanting their children to be fat. Because of this parents often enforce rules and restrictions about food, convinced that it is in the best interest of their children. Parents may be completely unconditional and uncontrolling in every other area, but remain rigid and restrictive when it comes to food.

Recently a friend was posting gluten free recipes on facebook, which makes sense since she lives with Celiac Disease, and one of her friends asked if it was the flour, the gluten or the carbohydrates that make us fat. Well guess what? Baring any real health issues, none of those things "make us fat."

Before I go any further let me point out that how much someone weighs is no indication of their level of health, fitness or happiness. It is entirely possible to be a well rounded person and to be happier and healthier than a person who wears a size 0.

What should matter to us is whether or not our children have a healthy relationship with food. The question "What food makes us fat?" is not the question I want to ask in relation to my own body or the bodies of my family. I would rather ask: What makes us feel good? How does food bring us joy? How do we ensure that our children have a healthy relationship with food? The answer to that last question is Trust. We must trust that our children know what is best for their bodies. When we trust our children, we give them the space they need to learn about their own bodies and what their bodies need. Our children will create their own relationships with food. When we try and control that process we get in the way of their ability to know what they really need. We cause them to doubt their own wisdom, we pass along our own food issues, we get in the way. We must accept that different bodies need different foods. We must remember that people have all different shaped bodies, and not hold one up as ideal or healthiest. When we explore life with our children we can be a resource of information, but we must be careful that we are giving them accurate information. When it comes to food it can be hard to know what the truth is. The best way to find out the truth about food is to try different things and pay attention to our bodies. It may be true that if I eat 2 Red Vines I feel sick, but my daughter may be able to eat a whole package without feeling any affect. When I tell my daughter,"If you eat more of those you will feel sick," I am telling her my truth. However, if she eats more and does not feel sick then she knows that my truth is not her truth, and I become less trust worthy when it comes to providing information about food and its affects on her body. It is more helpful when I say, "If I eat more than two I feel sick, how do they make you feel?"

When it comes to food, what are you afraid of? Are you afraid that your children will get some terrible disease? Are you worried about what the grandparents will say if your child tends to be chubby? Are you afraid your children will have the same issues around food that you have, even as you are creating new food issues that your children will be struggling with their entire lives? Fear makes our world smaller. We need to embrace food as we embrace life. We need to celebrate the joy and pleasure that comes from sharing food with our families. We need to let go of our fears. Look around you and notice what people are eating. You will see that there are people living joyful lives eating all kinds of foods. You will also notice that people who eat "healthy foods" get sick some times and people who eat "junk food" can be healthy. You may notice that in families where children make their own choices about food those choices are diverse, nutritious and as individual as the children.

Remember: nothing is more important than your relationship with your children, and that includes food. Your relationship with your child can directly impact their relationship with food. Some people who have an unhealthy relationship with food do so because they learned to use food to self-sooth. The struggle some adults have with food and weight can be a mirror of the struggles they faced in their childhood for acceptance and love, a reaction to the controls or restrictions adults placed on foods, or a response to the messages they received about their body shape or size. Children who grow up with unconditional love, in a family with strong connections and trusting relationships, are more likely to have a healthy relationship with their body and with food. Children in these families have been able to explore a variety of foods and eating patterns, listen to their bodies, and figure out what they need to eat to feel healthy.

If food is creating conflict or power struggles in your family think about the messages you are sending to your children. Do you use guilt, fear, bribes or threats to get your children to eat what you think they should eat? Are your children learning to listen to their bodies? Are you telling them how food can make them fat and unhealthy, or are you supporting them in becoming healthy individuals who enjoy food? Unless your child has a severe allergy or a serious health issue nothing they choose to eat is going to hurt them as much as the disconnect in your relationship that is caused when you try to control what they are eating.

Nothing is more important than your relationship with your children, and that includes food.

The gift we give our family

2010-12-23T12:15:00.000-08:00

People are celebrating many different sacred days this time of year with diverse traditions. Each family celebrating in their own way. Through out the year we have different days that we hold sacred. We create rituals that give those days special meaning and remind us of our blessings. Birthdays, anniversaries of many different kinds, the passing of the seasons, and days that are holy or sacred give us times to reflect and remember, or rejoice and create new memories, with those we love. In the end, a holiday is what you make of it, what meaning you give it, what traditions you choose to embrace and continue year after year. Often the special days we celebrate involve giving and receiving gifts.

In my blog posts I often emphasize that everyone's needs are important and that the goal is to find ways to meet each person's needs. Readers question if that is possible. They ask if it's true that my own needs are met while I'm busy meeting the needs of everyone else. There are two ways to answer the question, both feel equally true in my life. The first answer is no, my needs are not always met. I live with three children and a chronically ill husband who works a job he is good at, but a job that is exhausting and takes most of his functional energy. It is a meaningful job, but not a high paying job, which means we have limited financial resources. I live in a house populated with pets which are my responsibility. There are times when my "what about me?!?" level starts to rise. I begin to feel like all I do is meet the needs and expectations of my family. From this perspective, no, my needs are not always met. In fact, there are times when my needs don't even seem to matter.

The second answer is, meeting the needs of my family is meeting my needs. I have chosen this life. Every day I make the choice to get up and live a life of love with my family. I can view meeting their needs as a gift, an expression of my love for them, a blessing to be shared with them, and a blessing that I am able to live this life with them each day. I also know that while our needs are equally important, I have an ability to delay gratification, to know that my needs will get met eventually, that my children may still be developing.

Meeting the needs of my family can feel like a burden or a gift, it depends on my focus and perspective. When The laundry and dishes and clutter start to pile up and feelings of resentment that I am the one responsible for doing everything start to build in my mind nothing has really changed but my mind state. If I'm not paying attention, soon I am banging about in the kitchen, grumbling under my breath, snapping at whomever dares ask me for one more thing. Then I feel angry with myself for being so hateful. My emotional and mental state become increasingly volatile. My family vanishes into various bedrooms and I am left alone to get myself back on track. When I remember to pay attention I can catch myself before my mind state deteriorates. When I'm paying attention, I have the ability to know when one of my needs cannot wait or when my mind is turning wants into needs.

As I wrote previously, "There's a kind of parental enlightenment that we can attain. It is easier for some people than for others, but for most of us it does take practice. When we reach this state of parental enlightenment our day to day life may be the same (though it will probably feel easier and may actually be easier) but our attitude changes. We still spend our days meeting our children's needs, making food, cleaning up messes. The difference is that we now do these same things from a place of joy, as a gift to our children, instead of from a place of resentment and frustration." (The Parental Practice)

Our family's life together is what we make of it, what meaning we give it, what traditions we choose to embrace and continue year after year. We can built rituals and reminders into our days that help us stay focused on the gift we give our family when we meet their needs. We can cultivate joy in the small gifts of love that we offer each day when we make our children a snack, read them a book or listen to them with our full attention. We can remember that the years we have living together with our children are often a small portion of our lifetime, and in the future there will most likely by plenty of time for our own needs to be met. We can remember that making our relationships with our children a priority is a gift we give them and ourselves; a gift that will affect our future, their future and generations not yet born.

Be Kind To Everyone

2010-12-12T15:42:00.000-08:00

We were buying sneakers for our younger two girls. We found cute pairs for each of them and we had a coupon that made them more affordable, but the reality was that buying anything right then felt like spending too much money. When I handed the cashier the coupon she asked me to wait a minute, I smiled and said, "O.K." When she returned she had another coupon that gave me an additional 20% off.

This was not a random act of kindness on her part. I know the main cashiers at the U-scan checkout at our grocery store by name. They know my name, too. One even calls my husband "Mr. Jenna." I have seen pictures of their grand babies and I know about their tough times, and illnesses. Because I have taken the time to cultivate a relationship with them, because I have been kind to them, they do what they can to be kind in return.

I am not advocating being kind because you might get something in return, though sometimes it does work out that way. I am advocating being kind because we all have our struggles. We may look at someone else and think that they have it so easy. We may envy their supportive relatives, their income, their beautiful house, their above average children, or their marriage. It is easy to think that other people have it better than we do, but in the end, we all have challenges in our lives. I also advocate being kind because it is through our kindness that our children experience kindness.

Being kind to everyone includes being kind to our children, our partners, and ourselves. Kindness begins at home. When children live in a world of kindness they internalize being kind, they understand that when someone is kind to you it feels warm and fuzzy, and they understand that when you are kind to someone else you both feel blessed. Children who experience kindness and respect in their homes are more likely treat others they meet with kindness and respect.

If we grew up without consistent kindness in our lives we may struggle with being kind to ourselves. If we verbally berate ourselves in front of our children when we do something wrong this increases the chance that they will do the same thing. If we are critical of the product of our own efforts, a craft project, the dinner we made or our ability to keep the house clean, our children may rightfully assume that we will be critical of their efforts as well. If people in our own childhood did not regularly model kindness we may have to practice being kind until it becomes our first response.

Metta is Buddhist loving-kindness meditation. The practice involves first directing loving-kindness towards yourself and then gradually expanding outward until you are directing loving-kindness towards all living things. Studies show that Metta practice actually changes your brainwaves. It not only boosts positive emotions, it can also improve your health, decrease your pain and help you feel more connected to others. If you are interested in learning more about Loving-kindness meditation Gregory Kramer's "Loving Kindness for Children" is a place to start.

In my life I try to be kind to everyone. Sometimes I fall short, but that's my goal. Be kind to everyone. When we start with being kind to ourselves, we can then expand our kindness outward to our partner, our children, our extended family and eventually to all living things. When we are kind to everyone we strengthen connections and relationships. When we are kind to everyone the blessing of kindness is shared. When I am kind to my children we both benefit, and so might other people who witness the kindness of our interactions.

“This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”

Dalai Lama

Family Time

2010-12-08T15:06:00.000-08:00

I've been hearing a lot about "family time" from my children lately. Mostly along the lines of their friends not being able to play or hang out because families were having "family time." I think families spending time together is great! I love it when my husband and children are with me and we are enjoying time together. Families who have activities that they all enjoy doing are fortunate in that they have a natural way to spend time together. Creating family traditions, such as game or movie night, can be a lot of fun. If you are big fan of "family time" I ask you to remember this: nothing is more important than your relationship with your children, not even family time.

Being respectful of our children involves respecting their individual preferences or needs for social interaction. This includes time spent together as a family. It also involves understanding that as our children are progressing on their path to adulthood there may be times when they need more time alone or with their friends. Parents who do not employ manipulations such as praise, punishment, withdrawal of affection, shamming or guilt trips, are more likely to have a connection with their children that in turn makes their children more likely to choose to spend time with their family.

Family time that is designated as such by parents, with mandatory attendance, may be an effort by the parents to create connection and develop a pattern of spending time together that will last for generations. However, family time of this variety often creates feelings of resentment and frustration. Instead of strengthening the family connection it can instead cause conflict and become a trigger for yelling, threats and punishment. For more on triggers, read Here. When negative feelings build up about family time children end up looking forward to the day when they have control over their lives and can choose to spend as little time with the family as possible. Your child may not be showing how they feel about mandatory time spent together. It is possible that what your child is expressing on the outside is not really how they are feeling on the inside. If you think your child doesn't mind family time, reread my blog post "My child doesn't mind."

Spending time together as a family can be fun, heart warming, cozy, silly, relaxing and wonderful. However, when it becomes something our children are required to do, instead of something they are choosing to do, the possibility for negative effects on our family relationships increases dramatically. When family time becomes more important than our children we have lost focus of our priorities. What we should aim for is A Family of Connected Individuals.

Family time may be held up as an ideal, something that good families have on a regular basis. The reality may be that for your family having each parent spend time one on one with each child is a better way to build connection. Spending time in different combinations of family members instead of all together is also a possibility. Letting go of your own need for enforced family time may open the door to new and wonderful ways for your family to connect. Your child will most likely feel more connected to you when you cheerfully kiss them goodbye, as they head out the door to hang out with friends, then they will spending several hours together during mandatory family time. When you shift your focus from family time to the relationships in your family you will experience a greater love, joy and connection when you are together, and when you are apart.

"Problem Behaviors"

2010-12-07T16:04:00.000-08:00

Someone contacted my husband asking if he would be willing to help them with their child's problem behaviors. When I mentioned this to my 14 year old daughter she laughed. Then she said something like, "To us the solution is so obvious." And what was the solution that was so obvious to a teenager? The child had needs that weren't being met. As I have written before, meeting the needs of children is the Easy Button of Parenting.

When parents seek help for their children's "problem behaviors" what they are really asking for is a way to make the behaviors stop. When parents focus on the behavior, instead of on their children, the solution is often staring them in the face unnoticed. On the other hand, some parents know what the solution is, but they are not willing to acknowledge it because meeting the needs of their children may seem daunting, inconvenient, or require them to make changes in their life. We must remember that we chose to be parents and we made a commitment to our children. When they are young, our children are completely dependent upon us to meet their needs. While our needs are important, we have a greater number of resources, and that includes the ability to delay gratification. Yes, our needs are equally important, but if we are not willing and able to occasionally put our children's needs ahead of our own then perhaps we should reconsider being a parent.

If you are struggling with "problem behaviors" start by asking yourself, "What does my child need and how can I meet those needs?" Be honest about what needs are going unmet even if you are not sure how to meet them or it seems the only way to meet them will be drastic changes in your life. If you need help identifying needs that need meeting reread this blog post. Also ask yourself if you are truly accepting and embracing your child. Notice if you say things like, "I love my kid, but I wish he wasn't so loud." "She's a great kid but she won't sit still for school/church/meals." "Why can't he be tidier, like his brother?" Perhaps the problem is not with the behaviors. Perhaps the problem with with your attitude about the behaviors.

Remember that there is a reason for your child's behavior. Usually the behavior is an attempt to get their needs met to the best of their ability. If you are proactively meeting your child's needs your child will not have to resort to "problem behaviors" in an effort to get your attention and get their needs met. If you stop a behavior without meeting the underlying need you are creating an unhealthy situation for your child. Your child may bottle up their emotions only to have them erupt in anger, depression, or physical illness later in their life. Your child may find other people to meet their needs, not always in healthy ways. Your child may develop learned helplessness: they know their needs aren't going to be met so they give up trying. See "My child doesn't mind" for more on learned helplessness.

When you find yourself thinking that your child has problem behaviors unhook yourself from the thought that you need to stop the behavior. Try looking at life through your child's eyes. Approach your child with unconditional love and compassion, and find ways to connect with your child. Include your child in figuring out what their needs are and how their needs can be met. Remind yourself that nothing is more important than your relationship with your child, and that includes stopping "problem behaviors."

You'd better watch out...

2010-12-04T13:13:00.000-08:00

It's the holiday season. There are many special days celebrated this month by our friends and family. Magic is in the air. It is often with joy and excitement that friends and families get together to exchange gifts, eat food and share their traditions. It is also a the season of increased financial stress, over stimulated children, and exhausted parents. For many children their happiness and wonder is tempered by a subtle but ever present threat that they had better be good. For some kids there is an increased harshness of parenting that darkens their month of December.

"If you don't stop that right now Santa is not going to bring you any presents!"
"Santa has spies everywhere and they know if you are being good or bad."
"Do that again and I'll take all your presents back to the store!"
"Santa only brings presents to good children, so you obviously aren't getting any presents this year."
"You don't deserve any presents."

I'll admit to having been one of those parents who sang "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good....." under my breath as a not so subtle reminder to my small children that they were not behaving in a way worthy of Santa's gifts.

"Worthy of gifts." My perspective and my parenting have changed a lot since then. Being worthy of gifts is not a concept that fits with unconditional parenting. My children are worthy just the way they are. My children do not have to earn gifts through good behavior anymore than they have to earn my love. Gifts are given because the giving brings all of us joy.

When I go back and reread my blog post "How we live at our house" I am reminded that the idea of using Santa to guilt trip our children into behaving the way we want them to is completely counter to our principles: "We do not control our children. We do not use rewards or punishment, we do not threaten or bribe. We do not use love, praise, negative attention, disapproval, or the withdrawal of love and positive attention, to manipulate our children's behavior."

When parents choose to use Santa as the bully who keeps their kids inline they are missing out on the joy of the holiday season. And sadly some children who have been bullied this way will grow up and decide to avoid having Santa in the lives of their children because of the painful memories he evokes. Some parents will also tell you that they don't "do Santa" because they don't lie to their children. If you have read my blog for a while you know that I do not in any way advocate lying to children. I believe that families should be built on trust, honesty and respect. However, I do feel that it is possible to keep the magic of the holiday season alive without ending up with children who feel betrayed.

In our house we believe in Santa. We also believe in fairies and dragons. Actually, I think we may believe in fairies and dragons to a greater degree than we believe in Santa. My children enjoy sharing these beliefs and the magic involved. If my children ask me if I believe in Santa I explain that I do believe in Santa, but that I don't think Santa is actually like he is portrayed in movies or commercials. I talk about the spirit of the holidays versus an actual person. My oldest daughter loves to help create the magic for her younger sisters. I am also open to changing our approach to Santa's role in our holiday celebrations if that becomes necessary.

Each family must have holiday traditions that meet the needs of their family members. No matter what your spiritual path, examining the traditions that have been passed down for generations is valuable and necessary. Just because "it has always been done this way" does not mean that you have to keep doing it that way. Traditions are not more important than your relationship with your children.

This season watch out for traditions that are causing tension in your family. Be aware of how the extra activities and stimulation affect you and your children. Be prepared to meet the needs of your children and to put their needs above everything else, including the expectations you or your extended family may have regarding holiday traditions and the behavior of children. Embrace the joy of the season. Look at the holidays through the eyes of your children. Find new ways to celebrate that make room for energy and excitement instead of smothering them in the name of tradition.

"Unnecessary risk"

2010-11-30T15:24:00.000-08:00

"If I did say yes, I would be awake the whole time.I would likely just worry about tired drivers, distracted teens behind the wheel, other people leaving bars and driving, carjacking and a host of other scenarios that would sound to my teen like I was trying to be a killjoy. But there are things that are just more dangerous in the middle of the night. Not to mention the environmental impact of driving around in a gas-guzzling van for fun.It all seems like an unnecessary risk to me."

Someone left the above comment anonymously on my "Real Trust - no strings attached" post. For the past week I have been mulling over the idea of "unnecessary risk." What is unnecessary risk? Who gets to decide what qualifies as unnecessary risk? What is unnecessary risk for one person may be a whole lot of fun for another person. It seems that to a certain degree increased risk taking equals a more meaningful life.

We drove to my in-laws for Thanksgiving. The roads were snow packed and icy. For me, driving on icy roads qualifies as unnecessary risk. However, it was very important to the grandparents and the children that we visit. We discussed the risks. We checked the road reports and the weather forecast. My in-laws offered to rent a more reliable vehicle that would fit the chains we had in the garage. For me it was an unnecessary risk, but for the rest of my family it was acceptable risk. I took every step possible to increase my comfort level. We drove a rental, carried chains, had blankets and water in the car and my husband drove. Fortunately my husband is an experienced winter driver, having driven the passes between Montana and Washington a ridiculous number of times during his college years. We made the drive safely. We had a wonderful visit. The girls were thrilled to be able to go sledding. When it was time to return home the forecast was calling for freezing rain and the road conditions were dangerous. We decided that it was too risky. We called our pet sitter and made arrangements to stay for another day. When we did head home, the roads were clear of all ice and snow.

In families different members may have very different levels of comfort with risk. We must be respectful of the differences and be willing to explore creative solutions so that everyone is comfortable with any potential risk. When we have a child whose comfort with risk far exceeds our own we may find ourselves grasping for control when we need to let go. Our relationship with our child can help us find peace in this situation. When we have a connected relationship, with a firm foundation of trust, our child will more likely be sensitive to our feelings of discomfort and be open to information we may provide about potential consequences of taking any particular risk. This does not mean that our child will never take risks that make us nervous. It does not mean that our children should avoid risks that we think are unnecessary to make us more comfortable. We should not distort facts or guilt our children into staying inside our comfort zone. If my child is comfortable with a risk I do everything possible to support them in taking that risk. I do my best to avoid inflicting my children with my fears. See "Fears- yours, not theirs." If I have serious concerns about a particular risk I may ask my children if they will do things to help me feel more comfortable, but I need to remember that the decision is theirs to make. When my daughter is with her friends I know she is only a text away if she needs support or I want to touch base. If a child wants to slide down the stairs in a sleeping bag I suggest we put pillows at the bottom. And sometimes I just have to let go and trust that my child knows her own abilities. My middle child should go ahead and stand on the sled as she goes down the hill. It's completely within her comfort zone, even though it's outside my own. As the other people who commented on the "Real Trust" post pointed out, your children are going to make their own decisions and take risks. As your children grow older, your relationship with them will determine whether you know about the risks they are taking.

People who take risks do amazing things with their lives. It is often the people who have taken the biggest risks that we most admire. People who go to the moon, climb tall mountains, travel the world, drop out of college to invent a computer, spend years writing novels while barely paying their bills, and auditioning repeatedly until they land their first big part, are the people we wish to emulate.

“The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.”

Leo F. Buscaglia

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.”

T.S. Eliot

“He who risks and fails can be forgiven. He who never risks and never fails is a failure in his whole being.”
Paul Tillich

Real Trust - no strings attached

2010-11-23T12:59:00.000-08:00

It's around 1:00 a.m. and my 14 year old opens my bedroom door, waking me up. A couple of her friends have asked if she can go drive around and listen to music with them. I say yes. I hear her head out the door a short time later and then I'm back to sleep. I didn't hear her come back in, and when I woke up once during the wee hours I didn't go check her bed.

I didn't ask for details, I didn't tell her what time to be home. I did tell her to get $5 out of her dad's wallet in case they stopped for food, and suggested the 24 hour grocery store up the road. She had a wonderful time. She spent an hour and a half with three of her friends, ages 15, 17 and 20. They drove to the friends' house to pick up a few things and then they drove the long way back to our house, while listening to music. No deviant behavior. No scary risk taking. Friends, hanging out, enjoying each others company. At least one of teens' moms knew what was going on because they were using her van, with permission. My husband was aware of the request to go out, but he went back to sleep and didn't find out any of the details until morning.

Could that happen at your house? Would your teen trust you enough to ask if she could go out in the middle of the night with friends? Would your teen not ask and not go out, know that interrupting your sleep and making such a request would result in yelling, scolding, or worse? Would your teen not bother to ask and slip out for a few hours without your knowledge? Would your teen tell you which friends he was really going to be with? Would she provide a fictitious plan for where she was going in order to get permission to get out of the house?

When your teen wants to do anything with their friends at any time of day or night do they have to negotiate? Do you need to have control over where they are going, what they are doing and who they are with? Do they have to be back at a certain time, arbitrarily set by you? Do you wait up until they get home, pacing the floor, waiting to give them hell if they walk in the door one minute late? Do you tell them they have to earn your trust and that if they get home late that shows they can't be trusted?

If the above describes what goes on in your house then your teen already knows that you don't trust him. Your teen is fully aware that you need to be in control and that you don't trust her to make good choices or be responsible without considerable input and manipulation on your part. I described the consequences of that lack of trust very clearly in my post "What can your teen tell you?" Your teen does not need to earn your trust. Trust is the natural result of a respectful relationship and your unconditional love. Teens who have a trusting relationship with the adults in their lives are teens who do not need to lie or sneak around behind their parents' back. Teens and parents who have this kind of relationship do not argue because they do not grapple for power and control. When my daughter asked to go out I could say yes because I not only trusted her, but I also trusted her friends. I knew that her friends would be respectful of her feelings and would do everything in their power to return her home safely after their adventures. I have a relationship with her friends, too. I like her friends! We are friends on facebook and we all watch Glee together on Tuesday nights.

In my blog post "Trust" I wrote about trust in our relationships with our children from infancy onward.

In "The other side of trust" I wrote about how our children need to be able to trust us.

If trust is not a natural part of your relationship with your teen, or your children no matter what their ages, take a moment to click on those links and read more.

Summit on Learning at the White House

2010-11-19T08:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. President,

I have read books and articles about the problems with our country's approach to education. I have taken my children out of the school system because it wasn't meeting their needs, and subsequently I have seen them blossom into life learners at home. I have been learning more about how children learn. The more I learn the more I wonder if you, and the people in Washington who affect school policy and funding, are paying attention. Is anyone reading the research and studies about how children learn? Is anyone considering how we could better meet the needs of our children, instead of trying to force our children to fit into an antiquated system?

It is time to change the starting point. It is time to re-frame the questions being asked about education. Instead of having schools scrambling to figure out how to get their students to score higher on tests it is time to ask a new question, "How can we support the natural curiosity and passion for learning in each child?"

Our country needs to stop focusing on reforming education and focus instead on supporting learning. And that starts at the top. It is time you held a Summit on Learning at the White House. You need to bring together the brightest, most radical, most progressive minds who understand how children learn and how schools need to be changed - not reformed - so as to support learning. The studies have already been completed, the facts are irrefutable. Our current school system is not working and that has nothing to do with our children lacking ability, motivation or creativity. It has nothing to do with a lack of funding. Our current system works against children, not for or with children. Until we support learning, until we create an environment that focuses on the needs of children and how children learn, our school system cannot be successful in supporting our children as they grow up to take their places in a rapidly changing world.

To assist you in planning the guest list for your Summit On Learning at the White House, here are some of the people with knowledge and ideas about learning that will benefit our children and our country:

Sir Ken Robinson:
You can watch two of his talks on TED:
http://www.ted.com/talks/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html

Or watch one of his talks with animation, Changing Educational Paradigms :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDZFcDGpL4U&feature=share

Alfie Kohn:
http://www.alfiekohn.org/index.php

Peter Gray:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/freedom-learn/200909/our-social-obligation-toward-children-s-education-opportunities-not-coerci

Pat Farenga:
http://www.patfarenga.com/

John Taylor Gatto:
http://www.johntaylorgatto.com/

Sincerely,
Jenna Robertson

Triggers

2010-11-14T14:49:00.000-08:00

At least one reader felt that my solution to yelling in my post "You can stop yelling at your children" was trite. For parents who are just trying to get through the day any advice can sound unrealistic. The feeling of "that's easy for you to say...." bubbles quickly to the surface. My closing, "You can stop yelling at your children. Start by focusing on your relationships, letting go of your expectations and meeting the needs of each family member" would have pushed my buttons when I was struggling through each day with three children ages 4 and under. I would have told you that all I did was meet my family's needs: laundry, dishes, cooking, nursing, and changing diapers. If you felt that way about the post, I hope you will go back to it and click on some of the links to past blogs. The past blogs go into more detail and explain what I meant by focusing on relationships, and to which expectations and needs I was referring.

I would like to offer another key to ending the yelling and conflict in your home: Identify and neutralize the Triggers. What are topics that cause conflict? What behaviors seem to trigger yelling? Try paying attention to what causes you to yell, or starts you down the path towards conflict. If you tend to get busy and forget what you are trying to paying attention to, write a note that says, "What are the triggers?" and put it on your refrigerator, mirror, back door, or where ever you will see it as you go about your daily activities.

Typical triggers are: bedtime, homework, chores, money, playing/hanging out with friends, clothes, shoes, hair, makeup, required family activities, food, sibling conflict, video games, television, computers and cell phones.

Once you have identified the triggers, neutralize them. Neutralize them? What does that mean? A trigger is something that initiates or causes a reaction. In this case we are talking about something that causes us to react by yelling. To neutralize them we have to take away their power. We must find a way to stop letting them cause conflict in our relationships. The quickest and easiest way to do this is to let go. When you stop trying to have control over the trigger there will no longer be a reason to yell. Make it your goal to parent through connection. When you focus on connecting with your children instead of controlling them or their behaviors it allows you to focus on relationships. You can step back and ask yourself, "What does my child need?" "How can I meet my child's needs?" "How is my behavior affecting my relationship with my child?" When you live a life of mutual respect it makes time spent together as a family more peaceful. When you have a relationship based on trust each family member can relax. Each person isn't fighting to get their needs met, to get attention, to win approval, to feel loved. Each person knows that they are loved and cherished unconditionally, they don't have to earn their place in the family. Unconditional parenting involves love, respect, trust and communication. It does not involve bribes, threats, punishments, discipline, time out, logical consequences, praise or shaming . When you parent unconditionally the triggers are neutralized. You are no longer telling your child that they must meet your expectations in order to earn your approval, appreciation or love. When you let go of trying to control your child's behavior you can focus on loving your child and enjoying your life together.

If your parenting at this time involves bribes, threats, punishments, discipline, time out, logical consequences, praise or shaming, you need to understand that when you let go, when you embrace unconditional parenting, when you remove the expectations that your child previously was forced to meet, your child will most likely revel in this new freedom. You must truly let go for the process of becoming a family of connection, respect and partnership to unfold. Your child has to know the freedom is consistent, that you are not going to jerk back on the reins and punish them for their enthusiasm for this new way of life. They must be free to say, "No" when you ask them to assist you with setting the table. They must be free to make their own choices. And the more you have been controlling the more dramatic the child's response to their new freedom may be, and the harder you are going to have to work at letting go and building the trust that has not been present in your relationship. If you have been parenting through extreme control or manipulation, and depending on the age and personalities of your kids, it may be best if you let go of one area at a time. At our house our children were older when we changed to unconditional parenting and it worked well for us to explain to our children how we were going to be parenting. This freed them up from feeling confused when we completely changed our attitudes about things like candy and bedtimes. It also allowed them to support us in our changes. They could point out to us when we were slipping into old patterns. When we were less than the parents we wanted to be they would tell us, "Your being conditional." This was extremely helpful since we could change course right in that moment.

What are your triggers?

Do you yell at your children because they won't clean up their rooms? Accept that the rooms are their space and it is their choice if they clean. Ask them if they would like help cleaning, but the minute you start feeling tension creeping into the situation take a break, get a snack, go outside

Is your child refusing to go to bed at night? Remove your expectations about bedtime and start looking at night time as a time to connect and enjoy quiet time together. Read books, snuggle, watch a movie until they fall asleep.

Do you yell about homework? Homework is not more important than your relationship with your child. Visit Alfie Kohn's site to learn more about the realities of homework, or read his article on "Changing the Homework Default."

Do you yell about food? Do you argue about how much your child should eat? Shame them for eating too much? Bribe them into eating more? Fight about candy? Read about my journey of letting go of candy in my post "I Love Candy."

Read more about letting go of control (and a whole lot more) at Joyce Fetteroll's site: Joyfullyrejoicing

And visit Sandra Dodd's page on Parenting Peacefully.

Fanaticism

2010-11-11T12:51:00.000-08:00

There is only one topic about which I expect to continue learning and growing but to never change my position, one area where I am fanatical: Children must have their needs met. My daughter says that should not be considered fanatical, it should be considered normal.

I really don't care how you parent, how you live, what your religion is, what your eating habits are, who you vote for or pretty much anything else. Live how you want to live, but make sure your children's needs are being met.

What are your children's needs?
Food, shelter, love, having their feelings and experiences validated, to feel understood, being able to speak honestly with safety to their parents, being loved unconditionally as they are, for who they are. To feel loved and valued just because they are alive.

Live however you want to live, but realize that your child is their own person and may need to live differently. Your child may need to eat a different diet, sleep on a different schedule, or follow a different spiritual path. They may need to ride the roller coaster while you wait holding your breath at the bottom, or they may need to wait at the bottom while you go for a ride. Do not let your beliefs, your way of life, or anything else become more important than your child. Do not let your fanaticism get in the way of your relationship with your child.

Merriam-Webster defines fanatic as, "marked by excessive enthusiasm and often intense uncritical devotion." I know a lot of fanatics. Religious fanatics, dietary fanatics, spiritual fanatics, exercise fanatics, fanatics of various healing methods, political fanatics, and unschooling fanatics. Enthusiasm is good, passion is a wonderful thing. Having a cause, a calling, a belief, something that gives us a feeling of belonging or community, enriches our lives and gives us a reason to get up each morning. However, when we go past enthusiasm to the point of "intense uncritical devotion," when we stop asking questions, when we refuse to consider that someone else's views might be valid, when we are completely uncritical of our own beliefs and values, we risk becoming fanatics.

Nothing is more important to me than meeting the needs of my children. Nothing is more important than my relationship with my children. Nothing. Not even high fructose corn syrup, not even saving the planet. In the last 20 years I have changed my values or beliefs regarding God, eating meat, and the school system, just for starters. I continue to learn and grow. Things that I thought I would never do I have done and things I thought I would always do I have given up. I have been a vegetarian for a dozen years. Where as once I chose to eat meat, I no longer do. And once I would have told you that everyone should be a vegetarian, but I no longer believe that. I know that in the future I may one day eat meat again. My children are all vegetarians at this point, but they are free to eat meat if they choose. And if they choose to eat meat they will not get lectures or guilt, by way of obvious guilt trips or passive aggressive comments and behaviors. They are free to eat as they choose and to try different ways of eating to see what fits their lives and their bodies.

When it comes to parenting, I cannot say that everyone should parent any one way. I cannot say that I have all the answers and that the way our family lives is the only way to be a happy, healthy, connected family. Your child may go to school, do chores, have a bedtime and eat a restricted diet because of life threatening illness or allergy. Your family's life may look very different from mine. You child may stay up all night, sleep all day, play World of Warcraft for eight hours straight and not take a shower more than once a month. Your child may thrive on structure or your child may need to live spontaneously. What matters is your relationship with your child and your child's freedom to be who they are. If your child goes to school and their needs are being met, that's great. If your child does assigned chores because they truly are happy to help,and not because of the reasons described Here, fine. What matters is that your children are respected, have a voice, can make their own choices and have those choices respected. What matters is that the needs of everyone in the family are considered equally important and valid.

What areas of your life border on fanaticism? Is there some value, belief or issue that you are making more important than your children? Remember, nothing is more important than your relationship with your children. Please make sure you are meeting their needs.

I talked extensively about meeting the needs of children in my post, "The Easy Button of Parenting."

And in follow up I wrote, "Identifying needs that need meeting."

NaNoWriMo

2010-11-09T11:54:00.000-08:00

This year I am participating in NaNoWriMo, a particularly intense undertaking where you attempt to write 50,000 words of a novel during the month of November. Quite a few of my friends join the insanity each year and I thought it was time to jump in. My oldest is doing NaNo with me. My younger two are too, by doing the NaNo Young Writer's Program which allows them to set their own word goal for the month.

I was planning on writing for NaNo, and then as November drew closer I started having second thoughts. I had only been blogging for 6 months and had been feeling really great about my ability to publish at least one new blog post each week. My readership had been picking up and I was starting to focus more on my writing as it related to my blog. If I took a month to focus on novel writing how would that affect my blogging? I just didn't know. I had never tried writing something of such length before. I'm not really a fiction writer. Character development, description and setting tend to trip me up. I love to read beautiful prose, but I'm not know for writing them. The essence of NaNo is to focus on writing words, quantity not quality. Muffle your inner critic and start writing whatever you can write. I had talked my sister and best friend into joining in on the craziness which was self-created peer pressure. Only a few days before the start I took a deep breath, went to the site and signed up. Two days before it began I had a name for one character and thought I would write about a teenage girl. Hours before I was to begin writing I decided to write about a mom instead. I had a name and a very vague idea of what I would be writing about. No outline, no plan, no real plot to speak of.

The die hards begin writing at midnight on November 1st. I was really tired and was planning on going to bed around that time. I woke up after a very brief sleep and knew the girls were still awake. My story ideas started rolling around in my head. I headed to the kitchen and found myself writing from 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. before returning to bed for more sleep. I completed the entire days word count goal in those two hours and started thinking that perhaps I might be able to do this after all.

For some crazy reason I had thought that the house would be particularly peaceful and quiet since we would all be focused on writing. I had forgotten that for some people writing involves a lot of procrastination. I also didn't realize that I would be wanting to write and write and write without stopping. I would get up in the morning while the girls were still asleep so that I could get in a couple solid undisturbed hours. Then I would focus on food needs. The week was unusually sunny and warm so we took a lot of walks to enjoy the weather get our vitamin D before the rains returned. Late afternoon I would write for a while since the younger two were often playing with friends. However, stopping to make dinner was a challenge. Most of the time I really wanted to keep working. I was writing on a desktop in the kitchen that couldn't go online. It was good to not have the option of going online because that would have been an easy distraction. However, it was hard to write in the kitchen when the house was full of people or the TV was on in the evening.

What really caused the most tension in the house was that I was zipping through my word count. My words were piling up at a ridiculous rate that was completely unexpected. The problem with this was that it frustrated the girls. Even though the younger two weren't trying to accumulate the same number of words, even though I was an adult with an English degree, even though it wasn't a competition, the girls were seriously annoyed every time I mentioned my word count. We were trying something new together and it turned out I was doing great and they were feeling bad. I was trying to make sure that I was not ignoring them because I was writing, I was making sure their needs for food and attention and interaction were being met. I was determined not to let my writing become a higher priority than my family. However, I wasn't sure what to do about their feelings. I was finally writing, finally doing something I had wanted to do my entire adult life, and I was totally rocking it. But if it was really bothering my children should I keep writing?

Sometimes when our children have strong feelings we don't need to do anything to fix the situation, we just need to validate those feelings. I didn't try and change my girls' feelings. We didn't have long discussions about how this wasn't a competition or how I had years of experience, I didn't tell them that they didn't need to feel envious of my word count or frustrated by what I was accomplishing. As an adult, if had a friend zipping through the word count many times faster than I was there was a good chance I would feel the same way they did: frustrated and annoyed every time that friend posted their word count while I was banging my head against the computer not coming up with anything to write. It's entirely possible that I did have some adult friends out there cursing at me through the computer screen and I just didn't know it.

In the end I didn't need to give up writing, I didn't need to slow down my writing. I needed to be respectful of my children's feelings. My oldest was o.k. with hearing my word count. She would grumble a little, but I knew she was happy for me. My husband was always ready to congratulate me on my latest word pile. For the younger two we talked briefly and I agreed to block one of them from seeing my word count when I posted it on facebook, and I tried to avoid talking about my word count when they were in the room. As with so many tensions, this one passed and after a couple days was no longer much of an issue for any of us. The girls got farther into their own writing and began to feel better about what they were accomplishing. I kept writing while trying to stay available.

It turns out that I can write 50,000 words in a month. I ended up writing all 50,000 in one week! I also managed to keep our family functioning and finish one blog post. And while I didn't make a big deal of it to the girls, part of me really wanted to throw a party for myself when I hit 50,000 words on day seven. This week I'm exhausted, which isn't at all surprising. Having completed my goal, my word count is now a non-issue in our house as the girls continue their writing adventure. I'm working on my first rewrite at a more leisurely pace. And my mind is already considering trying the same process for a nonfiction book in a month or two.

I Love Candy

2010-11-02T11:21:00.000-07:00

As Halloween has come and gone I have had the opportunity to reflect on my personal growth over the past two years. Once upon a time, not very long ago, I absolutely hated Halloween. I hated the pressure of creating costumes, I hated the way it made me feel uncreative and not up to the task. I wasn't fond of the slimy pumpkin guts that I cleaned out of each child's pumpkin. However, these negative feelings originated from the fact that I hated the candy. And as much as I hated the artificial colors and dyes and the high fructose corn syrup, what I really hated was the added negativity the candy brought to our house. I hated being asked over and over and over for "just one more piece." I hated trying to set limits and then getting angry because I was being pestered or I gave in and let the kids eat more. I hated my own desire for the candy because I really wanted to eat the stuff, too. My feelings about candy lead me to resenting the teenagers who came to the door in thrown together costumes "just to get the candy."

This year Halloween was great! I really enjoyed the night as we walked around the neighborhood with friends and our family, the kids going to doors we would never approach otherwise. The people handing out candy were friendly, the kids often said trick-or-treat in unison and even said thank you most of the time. The older kids helped the younger kids without being asked. And I now firmly feel that you are never too old to trick-or-treat. I even dressed up, instead of just putting on our hat w/ ogre horns and calling it my costume. We arrived home tired but content. The kids dumped out their candy for sorting and trading, while the men caught a bit of the football game on TV.

The holiday didn't change, the candy didn't go away, the need for costumes was still there, we carved pumpkins and I roasted seeds. Nothing changed except my perspective. The only big difference was that I no longer hated the candy. I let go of my need to control the candy and that made room for peace in our house, and for my children to make the decisions about how much candy they would eat and when they would eat it. The interesting truth is that when we let go of control, and give our children information instead of rules, our children are remarkably capable of knowing what they need. Yesterday afternoon, November 1st, I read multiple accounts on facebook from mothers whose children had asked to eat eggs or "real food" after the children had been enjoying eating their candy. Mothers told of how their children had decided when they were done trick-or-treating the night before. It happened in my own house, too.

Over the past two years we have let go of all control over food at our house. We do not tell the kids what to eat or what not to eat. We do not tell anyone that they have to eat at a certain time. The girls often come along to the store and help me pick out the food that we will be eating. No food is off limits. In the process, we have all developed a healthier relationship not only with food, but with each other.

When you control foods you give them extra value. The forbidden fruit concept. The more restricted something is the more precious it becomes. Candy, cake, ice-cream, and cookies are often given higher value. They are used as treats, bribes, and rewards. They are highly desired because they are kept in scarce supply. The more they are limited or controlled the more desirable they become. If, at this moment, you are saying that if you didn't control foods your children would eat candy all day then you are proving my point. When something is given such a high value then when it is available binging becomes much more likely.

When we originally dropped the controls on candy I really struggled with letting go. I had a daughter who would eat up to a pound of candy a day. That was terrifying to me, and brought up a whole lot of issues from my own childhood. It was not until I truly let go mentally and emotionally, and stopped those voices in my head that were going on and on about how terrible it was that my children were eating candy, that my children had the freedom to figure out what they really needed. It was not until they got past their feelings of lack created in the past that they could move on to listening to their bodies and understanding how different foods made them feel.

If you have a child who has allergies, sensitivities, or reacts behaviorally to certain food additives then you may feel you have to control what your child eats. Unless the allergy is life threatening, letting go of control and respectfully providing your child with information is still an option. And if the allergy is life threatening, being respectful of your child when you need to protect them should be your focus. Children do not want to feel sick any more than an adult. If they are given the opportunity to see how foods affect them and are supported in making their own choices they will almost always end up choosing not to eat the food that is problematic, or will eat it mindful of the potential negative effects.

As we walked home this Halloween I asked the girls if they wanted to go to more houses along the way. They said they didn't, pointing out that they can wear costumes, eat candy and walk around in the dark any day. The only thing different on Halloween is that they go knock on doors, and they had done enough of that to satisfy their needs for this year.

For more ideas about food visit Sandra Dodd's Full Plate Club page.

She has a page just about Halloween candy, too.

Does your child want to stay home from school?

2010-10-26T12:11:00.000-07:00

Facebook provides many insights into people's parenting, their attitudes about children, and their relationships with their children. I previously wrote on this topic in my post "What your words say about you." Recently a mother posted that her child did not want to go to school. She admitted that the child did not like school and would do anything to stay home, including faking being sick. She was obviously frustrated and angry. Other mothers responded that they knew exactly how she felt. Some moms had rules like "If you are not vomiting, bleeding or have a fever you have to go to school." And one mom suggested that the frustrated mother make staying home worse than going to school. The moms lamented that they did not know when their children were telling the truth and that made them mad.

I understand how these mothers feel. When my girls were still attending school it was not uncommon for me to decide if they were well enough to go to school. There were times when I sent my girls to school even though they did not want to go. For at least one of my children this was damaging, and I am deeply sorry for the times I made her get on the school bus despite her tears. As parents we are inclined to give in to the power and control of the school system. We are made to think that it is our duty and responsibility to make our children go to school. We end up believing that it is in our children's best interest to get on that bus. We stop listening to our inner wisdom and we stop listening to our children.

The child mentioned above told the truth: She did not like school. She did not want to go to school. When her mother could not or would not hear that truth, the child did what she needed to do to get her needs met: she faked being sick. Then her mother got angry. There is a good chance that the mom's anger was stemming from her conflict between being a good mother and meeting her child's needs, and being the good mother the school system told her to be and sending her child to school. Perhaps she also needed to get to work and was feeling stress from that as well.

There are many reasons children do not like school. Not all of them are life threatening, but each of them needs to be taken seriously. As a parent it is your job to advocate for your children and make sure that their needs are being met. The school system is focused on test scores and managing behavior, not on making sure your children are having their needs met. Having spent six years volunteering in public school classrooms I can assure you that meeting the diverse needs of 25 children in one classroom is not possible. Living in a world where many children go to before and after school childcare, as well as spending over six hours a day in the classroom, very few children are getting even their most basic needs met. If your child is not one of the daycare kids, they are still in a classroom with children who spend up to twelve hours of their day in the care of someone other than their parents. The behaviors caused by the unmet needs of these children consume the time and energy of their teachers.

Home should be a refuge, to suggest that a parent make staying home worse than going to school is tragic. Home should be the safe place, the soft spot in a hard world, the place where a child knows they are safe, loved, cherished, listened to and respected. If you choose to make staying home worse than going to school there is a good chance you will not be seeing much of your children once they are old enough to choose where they spend their time. Not all children in our world have the luxury of a home that is a refuge. For some children school is their only safe place and for these children my heart aches.

If you have a child who does not want to go to school please find out why. Listen to your child. With teen suicides making the news on a disturbingly frequent basis it seems all the more urgent for each of us to connect with our children. If your child does not want to go to school there may be very serious reasons. Some parents do not find out what they were until they are reading their child's suicide note.

Please listen to your children. If your children are unhappy in the school system bring them home. There are many different ways to learn and there is a way that is a good fit for you and your children. If you need help finding options or resources please ask, I would be happy to help.

Remember that nothing is more important than your relationship with your child. That includes school.

What can your teen tell you?

2010-10-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

Your teens must know that they can tell you anything - ANYTHING - and you will respond with love and compassion. If you parent by controlling your teens' behavior through punishment, they will fear telling you the truth because they know the consequences. If you parent by controlling your teens' behavior through shaming, they will not tell you the truth because they risk humiliation. If you parent by controlling your teens' behavior through criticism, they will not tell you the truth because they risk judgment. If you parent in any way that fails to create a climate of trust, unconditional love and connection in your family then you are literally putting your teens' lives at risk.

If your teen is being bullied at school they need to feel safe telling you about their suffering. Would your daughter feel comfortable telling you that other girls are calling her a slut and spreading nasty rumors? Would your son be able to tell you that a couple boys ganged up on him in the locker room and gave him a wedgie? If your teen broached the subject and said she was being bullied would you discount or disregard what she said, or would you listen in a way that would support her in telling you more of the details?

If your teen goes to a friends house, the parents aren't home and the party gets uncomfortably rowdy, will your teen feel that she can call you to get a ride home? Does she know that you will not lecture her about her choices, ground her or yell at her all the way home?

If your teen is depressed can he tell you? Will you pass it off as typical teenage angst or will you take the time to get him the help he needs?

If your teen has questions about her sexuality, if your teen thinks he might be gay, if your teen feels different in some unexplainable way, can your teen come to you and talk it through without risking rejection, derision, harassment, or being made to feel unworthy of your love?

Can your teen tell you who he is, what her passions are, what he believes, what she wants to do with her life?
Or, do you constantly hold up your expectations of who your teen should be, reminding your teen that if she does not live up to your expectations she will be a disappointment and you will withdraw your approval and support?

Are you putting your teen's life at risk?

Teens are dying. They are dying because they feel isolated, bullied, depressed, hated, and unloved. They are dying because they do not feel safe in their communities, their schools and their homes. They are dying because they did not have the support and acceptance that they desperately needed. They are dying because the adults in their lives failed. Teachers, parents, spiritual leaders, politicians, grandparents, bus drivers, friends' parents, every adult in their life had an opportunity to be the person in their life who made a difference. Perhaps their parents were unwavering in their love and support but that was not enough because the other adults looked the other way. We must all take responsibility for supporting the teens in our community.

I cannot promise you that if you parent unconditionally, with respect and love, by putting your relationship first, that your teen will be just fine, that you can sit back and relax knowing that your teen will never commit suicide. However, I can tell you that nothing is more important than your relationship with your teen. I can tell you that if you make that relationship a priority in your life there is a much greater chance that you and your teen will come through these years alive.

Wrap your teens in unconditional love, and create a climate of respect and trust in your house so that they know you will be there for them no matter what. (If you are not sure what that means read "How we live at our house.") If something is causing conflict in your relationship ask yourself if it is more important than your teen's life. The answer to that should be easy: Nothing is more important than your teen's life.

For more on Trust and Teens read Here.

"Hopefully some day you will have a teenager"

For more on my relationships with teens read "I don't tattle."

For more on being trust worthy in our relationships read Here.

And my previous post on this subject "Tolerance vs Acceptance."

Other resources:

To Write Love on Her Arms

The Trevor Project

A failure according to whom?

2010-10-23T12:49:00.000-07:00

When my girls were little I felt like an epic failure at bed time. They nursed to sleep when they were young. The books and the pediatrician, who didn't have any children of her own, said you should not nurse babies to sleep so they could learn how to fall asleep on their own. When the girls were older bedtime involved many stories and then many songs, and ultimately me staying in the room until they were all asleep. We often played musical beds in the night and you never knew where everyone would be sleeping come morning. If a conversation with other parents turned to the topic of bedtime I would tell them that I had always been a failure at bedtime.

To know if you are a failure you must know what you are trying to accomplish. If my primary goal was to have children who listened to one story and then drifted off to sleep, alone in their room, then yes, I was a failure. If my primary goal was to have children who felt safe and loved and connected to their parents then I was a huge success. In the latter case I was a failure when I let experts and society, and other people's advice and expectations, distract me from being the parent I wanted to be. I was a failure when I walked out of the room because, "I should be able to have time to myself at night after the kids are in bed." I was a failure when my children were crying and I failed to offer comfort because "they need to learn how to go to sleep on their own." I was a failure when I did not listen to my heart and when I failed to meet the real needs of my children. I look back and am saddened that I felt like a failure when I was meeting their needs.   Instead of enjoying our night times together, too often I struggled with guilt and frustration because of my "bad parenting".

Society does not encourage us to meet our children's needs. Parenting books, magazines and television shows primarily focus on how to parent through controlling our children's behaviors and changing them so that it makes our life easier. They tell us that if our child does X then we should do Y, and then our child must do Z. If our child yells, "I hate you!" at us then we should put them in time out. The child must also apologize for being disrespectful and promise never to yell "I hate you!" at us again. These sources of parenting information focus on behaviors, not on children. (Read The Case Against Time-out HERE)

Mainstream parenting information aims to support parents, not children. It tells us how to get our children to conform to societal expectations, not how to celebrate and enjoy each unique child. It does not tell us that if our child yells, "I hate you!" at us that we should take our child's feelings seriously and validate those feelings. We are not told that our best response will happen when we stop, take a deep breath, and consider what it is our child needs in that moment.   Most parenting information will fail to mention that what your child does not need is isolation, separation, with drawl of love, or a punishment of any kind. And that your child does need patience, compassion, understanding, respect and your unconditional love. We are not reminded to to look at the situation from our child's perspective and that we also may need to examine our role in the situation because often we unintentionally or unknowingly cause situations to escalate, as I discussed Here.

When you get advice on how to parent consider the goal of that advice. Evaluate whether what you are hearing will ultimately strengthen your relationship with your child. Is the goal to reach a greater understanding of your child and his needs, or is it to stop your child from expressing his needs? Are you being encouraged to gain a greater understanding of what needs are causing her behaviors, or are you being told how to stop behaviors while ignoring any related unmet needs?

When you are find yourself challenged by some aspect of parenting, frustrated by your child's behavior, at your wit's end regarding any particular stage your child is going through, start asking questions. Start with "What does my child need and how can I meet this need?" You may need to ask, "What do I need and I can I get my needs met?" Keep asking questions until you find an answer that truly resonates with you, your child and your family. My post "Learning from the questions we ask" shows how one question can be the starting place for a stream of questions that can challenge and inform your perspective on a particular parenting topic.

When you feel that you have failed as a parent ask yourself where that feeling is coming from. If you realize that you are letting society tell you that you are a failure take a moment to make a mental list of all the ways that you are an amazing parent who is meeting your children's unique needs. If you are truly struggling to be the parent you want to be reach out for help, search for like minded friends as discussed in my post on Peer Pressure and be gentle with yourself as you continue on towards becoming the parent you want to be.

For Mothers with Babies and Young Children: It will get easier

2010-10-20T10:15:00.000-07:00

A comment on facebook, made by a mother with young children about my Stop Yelling post, caught my attention. The feelings of frustration and desperation, combined with the feeling that there was no answer to the situation, were painfully familiar. I was reminded of how desperate, trapped and depleted I felt for years when my girls were young. If you are a mother living in survival mode right now please know, you are not alone. It does get less intense, you will get more sleep, and you will get to go to the bathroom alone. If you are a parent or grandparent or guardian of any kind who is feeling over whelmed by the needs of the children in your life and you cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel please hold on. Tell yourself you only have to get through this one moment at this time, and then you can face the next moment. You are not alone.

When I was living in survival mode, see Personal Lack for the story of what my life was like then, I couldn't see a way out. I did not feel that there were any resources, that I had any options, that I could do anything to change the situation. When you are parenting three children ages 4, 16 months and 1 month, just nursing and changing diapers consumes the day. I did not have a single friend who was inclined to come over for a visit, much less help. My husband was gone all day and several nights a week for work and classes. Our only car went with him. These are years of my life that I barely remember. Dishes regularly grew moldy on the counter. The laundry lived in a pile on the couch. I think I mopped our tiny kitchen floor twice in two years. Because I lived in survival mode for so many years, and was not one of those mythical Super Moms who manages to have a clean house, and children, too, I did not think I had much to share about the early years of motherhood. I was wrong, I need to share because you need to know that my family survived those years and yours will, too.

I also need to share because those of you who no longer have small children need to be reminded that mothers do not stop needing support when their baby reaches 6 weeks of age. We need to reach out because often an exhausted mother is not going to ask for help. We need to bring over a meal or take the older kids to the park, we need to stop by for a visit and wash the sink full of dishes while we chat.   We need to stop thinking we are too busy with our own lives and figure out what kind of helping we do best. Do you like to cook, or clean, or cuddle a baby so mom can take a shower? Do you have the resources to send over takeout? Do you have a teen or tween who would be happy to be a mother's helper for a few hours each week?

When you are are living in survival mode, exhausted, depleted and possibly suffering from depression, all advice sounds trite, impossible or just plain insensitive. No matter how ridiculous someone's advice may sound, ask yourself if there is some small way to apply it to your life. Remember, it will get easier. Little by little, in ways so small you may not notice them at first, things will get easier. When you feel like all you do is meet other people's needs, clean up messes, wash dishes, make food, wash more dishes and wash laundry, stop for a moment. Take a deep breath, exhale just as deeply, then take another deep breath. Ask yourself what small thing you can do for yourself.

Here are some ideas:

*Eat chocolate.
*Ask for help: call a friend, post of facebook, text someone; be honest about how you are feeling and what    you need.
*Take your vitamins.
*Buy food that only has to be heated, even if you think it is something you can't afford: frozen french fries, pizza, ravioli, desserts.
*Keep fruit frozen in the freezer so it is easy to blend up a smoothie when you realize you have forgotten to feed yourself.
*Put on music that you love.

Look for ways that you can nurture yourself and your children at the same time:

*Get everyone out of the house for a walk, even if you only make it to the corner and back.
*Grab a pile of books and some snacks and spend time reading and cuddling in a pile.
*Let your children watch movies for as long as they want.
*When your children are doing crafts get creative with them.
*Tell yourself three things you love about each of your family members.
*Remember that food is food and ice cream for breakfast is just fine, as are popcorn and apples for dinner, or pancakes for lunch.
*Use a slow cooker/crock pot so that dinner can be prepared earlier in the day when you may have more energy.

When you have dishes in the sink, laundry on the couch, toys all over the floor, and at least one mess to clean up that you would rather not mention out loud, remember, you are not alone. Take a deep breath, eat some chocolate, put on some music and go dance with your children, the mess can wait at least until the end of the song.

You can stop yelling at your children

2010-10-16T19:06:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, I was a mom who yelled at her children.

Why do we yell at our children? You might say "because my children are misbehaving" or "because I lack self-control" or maybe even "because I don't know what else to do." Why did I yell at my children? I yelled because I was exhausted and couldn't see a way out of my exhaustion. I yelled because I was frustrated that life didn't look like my mental image. I yelled because at our weakest moments we fall back on how we ourselves were parented. I yelled because my expectations weren't being met. I yelled because my needs were not being met. In retrospect I know that the yelling was not because of my children. My children did not make me yell. It was all about me: my issues and baggage, my lack of resources, knowledge, support and sleep.

I went from yelling to not yelling, from conflict to peace, from feeling like a crappy parent to feeling like a competent parent, most of the time. While writing this I realized that there are answers to how I stopped yelling in my previous blog posts. Here are some ideas on how to stop yelling, with links for further reading.

Focus on relationships.
Nothing is more important than your relationship with your children, not clean bedrooms, not homework, not bedtimes.

Practice unconditional parenting. Your children do not need to do anything to earn your love, your help, or your approval. Your children are perfect just the way they are. Read "Tolerance vs. Acceptance" to understand how important it is to accept our children for who they are.

In "Conflict or Connection" I wrote about how we as parents can be the cause of conflict in our relationship with our children.

View yourself as a support person, a facilitator, for your child. You are exploring life together. In "Saying 'yes'" and "Supporting Our Children's Passions" I describe two very different ways we have supported and facilitated for our children.

My summary "How we live at our house" explains the principles we try to live by in our family that focus on our relationships.

"A Family of Connected Individuals" discusses the balance of creating space for each individual while living as a family.

In "...and my husband" I expand on the idea of relationships to include the people with whom we co-parent. Nothing more important than our relationship with our family.

Let go of your expectations.
Remembering that your expectations are just that, your expectations. It is not up to your children to meet your expectations.

I blogged about expectations and acceptance of life when it turns out differently than we expected in my blog post "fighting what is."

I blogged about how other people's expectations can affect my relationship with my children Here.

Meet needs.
Validating the needs of each family member and collaborative problem solving to meet them are vital to a connected, non-yelling, family. I wrote about meeting children's needs as the "easy button of parenting" Here.

Further ideas on identifying needs were written Here.

My experience with getting my own needs met is described in my blog post "Personal Lack."

You can stop yelling at your children. Start by focusing on your relationships, letting go of your expectations and meeting the needs of each family member.

Peer Pressure

2010-10-14T10:22:00.000-07:00

How does peer pressure affect your life and family?
Has your child said to you, "But everybody else is doing it!"
Have you said to your child, "If your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump off a bridge?"

How does peer pressure affect your parenting? Do you give in to the peer pressure of other parents?

The kind of peer pressure we feel relates directly to the kind of peers we have. Our social circle can dramatically affect our parenting. While nursing a toddler on a bench at the park might be shocking in some circles, in others a mother feels twinges of guilt because she didn't nurse her child past 24 months. Some parents feel pressured by their friends to take their kids out of school and homeschool, while other parents face constant criticism for making that very choice.

If we do something because everybody else is doing it, regardless of how it fits with our children, we are parenting by peer pressure. It takes a huge amount of courage to parent consciously, not blindly embracing how our peers are parenting. No matter how right or wise or intelligent our peers may be, we have to figure out what works for us, our children and our family. And no matter how right we think we are, we need to remember that, as inconceivable as it may seem, not everyone can or should parent exactly like we do. The challenge then is to figure out what is authentic to our family, what works for us, and how to identify when we are giving into peer pressure with negative consequences. This is easier than you might think. We must simply look to our relationship with our children. When there is stress, anger, animosity, hurt or lack of connection then we need to find the cause. When joy, peace and connection are missing from our family we need to consider how we are parenting and what changes need to be made to better meet our family's unique needs.

Our peers may insist that a consistent bedtime routine at the same time each night is necessary for our children to learn good sleep habits. We may have a child who has regular melt downs at bedtime. We need to learn about different approaches to sleeping, and pay attention to our child's verbal and non-verbal communication, to find a way to meet that child's sleep needs. Our peers may have families who believe complete freedom regarding when and where to sleep is necessary for children to grow up listening to their bodies and knowing what they need. We may have a child who thrives on routines and prefers to sleep at the same time each night and we may need to be home by a certain time to support that child in getting to bed "on time." If we are happy and healthiest when we sleep on a schedule then our family's approach to sleeping may also be different from our peers who are content sleeping different hours each day. If we have different sleep needs then our children creative solutions to meeting everyone's needs will be required.

We cannot justify our parenting by saying "everybody's doing it!" If the other parents pushed their children off the bridge would you push your children off the bridge? Just because all the other parents send their children to school doesn't mean we have to send our children. On the other hand, if all of our peers keep their children home from school and we have a child who wants to go to school it doesn't mean we cannot send our child to school. If all of our peers put their babies into cribs we can choose to have a family bed. If all of our peers have a family bed but that is causing lack of sleep for some members in our family than it may be time to come up with creative solutions regarding who sleeps where and with whom each night.

There are times when we may need to find new peers. If our peers consider parental needs as more important than the needs of children instead of considering everyone's needs as equally important, if they do not treat their children with respect, if we come away from time with them feeling beat down and discouraged instead of supported and encouraged, it is time to find new peers. If our peers parent through control instead of connection, punishment and praise instead of partnership, and retribution instead of respect it is time to find new peers. Finding new peers can be hard. Leaving behind old social circles may be emotionally difficult. When we find friends who have a positive impact on our relationship with our children the sense of community and support adds depth and richness to our lives. We respect each other and support each other in finding ways to meet our family's needs. Consider the parents you call your friends, do they have a positive impact on your parenting? Is it time to find new parenting peers?

A Family of Connected Individuals

2010-10-09T23:58:00.000-07:00

Being a family means that you are all related, however, it does not mean that you are all alike. One of the challenges in a family is creating space where each member can be an individual. Families are not created in a vacuum. Each parent comes with a lifetime of influence from their family of origin, and the experience of being in that family affects every aspect of their life in some way. When we choose to have children we often start recreating our family of origin without consciously realizing what we are doing.

In some families everyone is expected to accept and embrace the family religion, eating and sleeping habits, hobbies and recreational activities. These families live a life defined by the parents, often a life defined by their parents before them. These families have a strong identity as a unit, "this is who we are," and the individual members are seen only as parts of the whole. In these families there is very little room for personal growth outside of the prescribed pattern. These parents know what is best for their children, what their children need to do to grow up and be successful, what their children should and shouldn't eat, what their children need to believe, and the person their child should grow up to be. These parents are often very involved in their children's lives as a dominant authority figure. These children learn that the purpose of the family is to meet the parents' needs and expectations.

In some families the emphasis is placed on the individual. The parents often identify strongly with their roles outside the family. They push their children towards autonomy from birth. As the children grow older the family members have separate lives while living together in one house. The parents encourage the children to develop hobbies and interest, but usually do not share in those activities. The parents have their own interests and hobbies, and having time for those/time for themselves is often a higher priority than spending time together as a family. The parenting in these families focuses on making life more convenient for the parents. The children sleep on a schedule, in their own rooms, through the night, so the parents can have scheduled time to themselves after the children go to bed. The children eat on schedule and eat what is offered to minimize the time parents have spend on food preparation and cleanup. The children learn early on not to expect their needs to be met if it will inconvenience their parents.

Read My child doesn't mind to see how being raised in either of these families can affect some children.

My goal as a mother, as a member of a family, and as a wife, is to find the balance of living together as a connected family while supporting each other as individuals. Part of strong relationships is the ability to accept the other person as they are, not because they are who we want them to be. This is particularly true in the parent child relationship. In our society certain activities, jobs, hobbies, life-styles are held up as more important, more valuable, more worthy, than others. As parents we must value our children's interests equally. If one child loves to read and the other loves to play games on the computer, if one child loves to play football and the other would rather go for long walks in the woods, if one writes stories while and the other draws cartoon characters, we may feel like one child is wasting time while the other is learning. In different families different activities may be valued more highly. In one family being a football player maybe a valued activity; in another, it may be seen as a distraction from academics. We must realize that just because something is important and meaningful to us does not mean it will be the same for our children. We also must learn to support our children in their interests, even the ones we initially find uninteresting. At the very least we can be interested in our child's interest, even if we aren't interested in the actual activity or subject. In our society certain personalities and behaviors are also held up as more desirable and worthy. Children who are quiet, calm and obedient may be seen as good children, while high energy, high volume children may be punished for being disruptive. Children who are easy going and adaptable are given approval, while children who are intense and focused, requiring time to transition between activities, are seen as challenging or difficult. Parents often fail to consider how the seemingly less desirable traits may be beneficial along a child's life journey.

We can try to mold our children into mini-me's. We can stuff them into appropriately labeled socially accepted boxes. Or, we can appreciate our children for who they are. It is easy to smile and nod and agree that we should appreciate our children. It is much more challenging, and healthier for everyone, when we realize we need to look at our families, children and relationships, and consider where we are letting our expectations, preferences and ingrained patterns get in the way of our appreciation for, and enjoyment of, our children. As a family we can appreciate the richness our differences bring to our life together.

Identifying needs that need meeting

2010-10-04T16:32:00.000-07:00

I received a comment on facebook suggesting that I write more about identifying our children's needs, particularly how to distinguish surface needs from deeper needs that may be harder to identify. The commenter suggested that sometimes meeting the surface need will exacerbate the deeper need. Here are my thoughts after reflecting on her comments:

How do we know what our children's needs are? When a child is out of sorts or there is disequilibrium in our family how do we discover the root cause, not just the easy answer. How do we know if what our child wants is a new toy or if their focus on shopping is really a way to spend more time with mom or dad? Does she really need new clothes or is she trying to make herself feel better after someone was critical of her body or her sense of style. Is he lashing out at you because he's tired and you said the wrong thing, or is the anger stemming from his frustration at not mastering a new trick on his skateboard? And in the process of figuring out which needs to meet how do we remain respectful of the person our child is? Sometimes in an effort to identify our children's needs we dismiss their experience or who they are, "He's just hungry, he'll be fine when he's had something to eat, that's just how he is." "Oh it's no big deal, she just acts this way when she's tired." "She's missing her friend, but she'll get over it."

And when we are trying to meet our children's needs, what about the times when we are absolutely sure we know what they need better than they do? What should we do then? Our child wakes up in the morning and is irritable and out of sorts. We know that our child is suffering from low blood sugar, having lived through this pattern ourselves and having seen it before in our child. We suggest that she eat something, but she resists. We keep offering different foods, pushing her to eat, telling her that we know that she will feel better (and be a whole lot nicer to be around) if she would just eat something. Our child becomes increasingly irrational, we become increasingly frustrated, and our child refuses to eat.

What about when your child has been invited to play with a friend but she says she doesn't want to play. You are sure that if your child got up off the couch and went to the friend's house she would have fun. You are absolutely certain that your child needs to socialize more and that she doesn't need to play computer games as much as she does.

It is easy, as parents, to think that we have a greater understanding of what our children need and that part of meeting our children's needs is sometimes taking control of the situation and making them do something for their own good. What happens when we do that? In our great parental wisdom we know that our child needs to get out of the house more. We tell our child that she must go play at the friend's house. She goes, but she is not happy about it and that affects her ability to have fun. In fact, she does not have fun, she ends up having a terrible time full of conflict, and comes home saying, "See, I told you I wouldn't have fun." The next time she is invited to play with a friend, and you start to push her to go, she remembers the conflict the last time you made her go and she has even less desire to play.

Some of you are going to point to the times it has worked for you, you pushed your child to go play and she had fun and see, you were right. Why do you need to be right? Would the world have ended if your child sat on the couch for a few more days before she decided that she was ready to go play with a friend? What does your child learn when you are right and she is wrong? She learns that her own judgment cannot be trusted and that she needs someone else to tell her what to do. She learns to stop listening to her inner wisdom.

Keeping my mouth shut is a huge challenge for me as a parent. I know what they need, I have the answer, I can fix this, I want to tell them what they should do because I love them and want them to be happy. Yes, sometimes my girls come to me wanting my help and asking me what I think and we talk things through together, however there are times when they wish I would shut up already. Different children want different amounts of parental input. Some children really want to be left alone to figure it out on their own. As painful as it can be to watch them struggle when we have an easy answer, we need to respect their desire to do it themselves. On the other hand, some children want us to provide the answers all the time, to come up with the solution, to do it for them. For those children we need to be willing to do more than we think we should. They will learn, they will get to the point of doing it on their own. They are watching us model those behaviors and activities. They know if we are helping then with unconditional love and respect or if we are grumbling about having to do it for them when they need to learn to do it on their own. We can choose to connect with our children who want more support through love and nurture or disconnect by being scornful and irritable.

When we give our children the room to explore their needs in a safe and supportive relationship they learn to trust themselves, their judgment, their inner wisdom. They learn from first hand experience that eating too much candy on an empty stomach makes them feel icky, or perhaps they learn that they have an iron gut and they can eat anything they want with no ill effects. This does not mean that we set them up for negative experiences so that they learn the lesson. We do not give them a huge bag of candy and tell them to have at it and then say "see I told you so" when they feel sick. We are right there with them, still meeting their needs when they ask or if they are receptive. We provide them with information about the possible outcomes of a choice or help support them in doing research to learn more, if they want the information. If they want our input and involvement we help them process their experiences, or share our experiences in a conversational manner, "When I first get up in the morning I can feel out of sorts until after I eat something, do you feel that way too?" It means making peppermint tea for their tummy if they feel sick from eating something that caused a negative reaction in their body and bringing it to them with empathy, not a lecture or guilt trip.

How do we identify what our children need? We are actively involved in their lives and have a strong connection with them so that we are more likely to understand what they need or they are more likely to ask for what they need. We trust them to know what they need. We trust their methods of learning new things, remembering that making mistakes is a great way to learn and that many people learn best through experience. We keep trying. If we try to meet a need and end up being rejected by our child or feeling like we only made things worse we learn from that and try again. Sometimes that means backing off and giving our child room to experience things on his own. Sometimes we may know the answer, but that is our answer, and our children need the space to find their own. Meeting our children's needs is not about us as parents, our wisdom, or even about always getting it right. We do not have to figure this out on our own. We have partners in our children and together we can figure out what their needs are and how they can be met.

Tolerance vs Acceptance

2010-09-30T20:06:00.000-07:00

My daughter, who will be 14 next week, pointed out today that one of the creators of the TV show Glee said that the show is about tolerance, when he should have said it is about acceptance. Acceptance of self and others. Accepting our children for the people they are, instead of trying to make them into the people we imagined they would be, is something I have mentioned before. Our children's first experience with acceptance should be at home, from their family. Our children also need to see our acceptance of ourselves. This can be hard. We may not have grown up feeling accepted by our family and we may struggle with knowing and accepting who we are as adults. If that is the case, then we need to model the journey to self-acceptance for our children. Through us, our children also learn to be accepting of others. Just being tolerant is not good enough for ourselves, our children or our world.

Accepting our children as they are, for who they are, unconditionally, is vital if they are going to grow up to be healthy adults who live authentically, following their passions, secure in who they are. I feel it is incredibly urgent that we remind all parents of the importance of accepting children in light of the four suicides of gay teens in our country this month. These teens were not accepted. They were bullied. Many teens are bullied but they don't all commit suicide. What makes a difference? Family acceptance is a pretty good place to start.

"Higher rates of family rejection were significantly associated with poorer health outcomes. On the basis of odds ratios, lesbian, gay, and bisexual young adults who reported higher levels of family rejection during adolescence were 8.4 times more likely to report having attempted suicide, 5.9 times more likely to report high levels of depression, 3.4 times more likely to use illegal drugs, and 3.4 times more likely to report having engaged in unprotected sexual intercourse compared with peers from families that reported no or low levels of family rejection. Latino men reported the highest number of negative family reactions to their sexual orientation in adolescence." http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/123/1/346

Accept your children unconditionally. If there is something about one of your children that makes acceptance challenging admit that this is your problem. Get the help you need so that you can get over your issues and start being the parent they need and deserve. You child came into this world a very special person, find joy sharing life's journey with that person. If you are just tolerating your children you need to figure out what is getting in the way of acceptance. If you have rejected a child you may both need help if your relationship is going to get to a place of connection, trust and acceptance.

My heart goes out to the families affected by these suicides. I don't know the relationship they had with their children and I am not implying that these deaths are their fault. These deaths are the result of our flawed society. We must all step up and embody acceptance in our communities. Accept your children, accept their friends, let them know just how amazing you think they are. Practice acceptance until it flows through your life. Acceptance isn't just a nice idea, it can be a matter of life or death.

The Easy Button of parenting

2010-09-26T17:01:00.000-07:00

If there is an "Easy Button" for parenting it lies here: Meet the needs of your children.

If your first response is "but that's not easy" I would suggest that you consider the consequences of not meeting the needs of your children

When you focus on meeting the needs of your children you short circuit the parent child dynamic that is created when parents focus on their own needs and the child's needs are unmet or unrecognized. This sets up the following cycle of behavior: The parent focuses on his own need. The child has an unmet need. The child tries to get her need met through behaviors that are irritating, frustrating or against the rules. The parent tries to control the child's behavior through punishment/reward/time-out often without meeting the child's need. The child is now angry/hurt/frustrated and still has an unmet need, which has often only grown larger. The child tries again to get her needs met...and the cycle continues.

Now consider what happens if the child's needs are met: The parent focuses on her own needs and the child's needs. The child has a need. The child knows from experience that the parent will support him in getting his needs met. The child expresses his need. The parent helps the child get his need met. The child and parent relationship is strengthened. The child has learned more about how to get his needs met and has greater trust that his parent will continue to help him get his needs met in the future. The child has also learned that people who love each other support each other in getting their needs met and is more likely to help others get their needs met in the future.

A child with unmet needs is needy. As obvious as that may seem, parents often overlook that the natural consequence of failing to meet a child's needs is living with a needy child. A child who is needing positive attention and affection, who does not feel safely connected to a parent, is often clingy, whiny, interrupts conversations and phone calls, and constantly wants to be with their parent in an effort to feel connected. A child who is hungry, tired or thirsty is crabby, reactive and prone to melt downs. A child who feels rejected or not heard may withdraw and become increasingly angry. This anger will be expressed at some point. A child with unmet needs will continue to look for ways to get their needs met, which may leave the parent feeling pestered, annoyed or even like the child is being manipulative. A parent's inability or unwillingness to meet their child's needs may lead to the child having unhealthy relationships with others in an effort to get her needs met. The child who has stopped trying to get her needs met is discussed in my blog "My child doesn't mind..."

When we live life as a connected family we become familiar with the day to day needs of each family member and we are able to be proactive in meeting those needs. If we know that our child becomes irritable when he is hungry, and that he gets hungry about every two hours, we can plan ahead and make sure that we provide a snack ever two hours. When we are away from the house this means that we are prepared with snacks. When we pay attention to who our children are we are better prepared to proactively meet their needs and circumvent melt downs, frustrations, and unsuccessful outings or activities. When we meet our children's needs they are empowered to be who they are. When our children's needs are met, and they know that we are their partners in supporting them in getting their needs met, they are freed from resorting to attention seeking behaviors that often lead to negative attention. When we are respectful of our children's needs, not discounting their preferences or belittling them when their comfort zone is different from ours, we learn more about who they are and deepen our connection. When we model acceptance of each family member's different needs our children learn to be more accepting of the differences in the people they meet. When our children's needs are validated they are less likely to end up in unhealthy relationships with people who are disrespectful or abusive. When our children's needs are met they grow up learning how to creatively problem solve, and are more flexible when it comes to finding ways to meet the needs of multiple people.

One of the amazing results of meeting our children's needs is that they are more content, they trust that we are willing to meet their needs, and in turn they are able to respect our needs and support us when we are finding ways to meet our own needs. This may mean that they leave us alone when we say that we need fifteen minutes of quiet in our room or they wait to talk until we are done with a phone call that requires all of our concentration. When we are tired or sad they may offer an unsolicited hug and sympathy.

If you are struggling as a parent, finding your children's behaviors intolerable, or feeling like your children are constantly trying to get your attention, start by asking yourself what your children need and how you can meet their needs. Fill your children up with love and attention before they start the behaviors that they use to get your attention. Be present for them in concentrated chunks of time instead of giving them unfocused attention while you are trying to accomplish something else. If something is important to them take it seriously. Learn to say yes to their heart's desires. Work together to find a way to meet their needs. If they have a need that you absolutely cannot meet, even after creative problem solving and looking into every possible resource, express this with compassion. Refrain from saying, "You'll get over it" or "That's life." I have found that once you start living the life of taking needs seriously you may be surprised at how often there is a creative solution or a resource shows up at just the right moment. Be open to unexpected answers and you may find that meeting the needs of your children is not as hard as you expected. Proactively meet the needs of your children and you will find that parenting just got a lot easier.

Hopefully some day you will have a teenager

2010-09-17T11:45:00.000-07:00

Last night my daughter asked, "Why do people have kids if they are just going to spend their lives arguing with them?"

Why do people have kids? There are as many answers to that as there are people, however, most people don't say, "I want to have kids so we can argue." Actually, while people may talk about having kids, they often end up saying, "I want to have a baby." They picture experiencing the joys of cuddling a baby and picking out cute baby clothes. Their minds may travel down the road to first words and first steps. Some prospective parents may dream as far down the road as block towers, tea parties, and cheering for their mini-soccer player. But that is as far as the fantasy of parenthood usually goes. Have you ever heard a couple say, "We've decided to have a teenager"? Fortunately, parenting is a journey. Starting with conception we are given time to learn and grow, as our child learns and grows. With the exception of parents who adopt older children or who come into a family that already has children, most of us do not jump into parenting mid-stream.

If you have a baby you will also, hopefully, have a teenager. Some people might sarcastically ask why anyone would hope for a teenager, but I assure you that the alternative is not something most parents like to contemplate, much less experience. Hopefully some day you will have a teenager. How do you feel when you think about your child reaching the teenage years? Our society has cultivated a terribly negative attitude towards young people ages 13-19. I have three daughters so that may affect my perspective, but I think that girls get more than their share of this attitude. The number of times I have heard someone say, "Wait until she's 15" is astounding.

The truth is that I look forward to when they are 15. Not that I am in a hurry for them to grow up, I think their ages right now are pretty cool. However, my oldest will turn 14 in a few weeks and, if the past year is any indication, I expect that the next few years will be an enjoyable experience. I have had the pleasure of getting to know some of my daughter's friends who are older, and have found them to be delightful and amazing people. Their parents would agree with me, too.

How is it, in a society that almost universally maligns teenagers, that I am looking forward to the teenage years? Who are these other parents who think that people in the later years of their transition from child to adult are a whole lot of fun to have around on this adventure called life? What makes us different? What makes our children different?

The answer lies in our relationships. We are not perfect in our parenting, we have our grumpy days and times when we do no live up to our own ideals. Our children are not mini-me's who live lives of obedience and compliance. We do not expect our children to live their own lives in ways that make our lives as parents easier. We live our lives in partnership with each other. We all live within the realities of our chosen lives and our children understand that some times there are limits, but these are not arbitrary limits. We put our family relationships before everything else. We do not feel that because our children are teenagers now they need less of us. We are as committed to meeting the needs of our teenagers as we were to meeting the needs of our newborn babies. Think about that for a moment: We are as committed to meeting the needs of our teenagers as we were to meeting the needs of our newborn babies.

Meeting the needs of young adults can be every bit as exhausting, challenging and complex as meeting the needs of a baby. It is even more so if their needs were not met during some period of their earlier childhood or infancy. If there are wounds that need healing or trust that must be mended, if you as a parent are not used to being aware of their needs or if they do not trust that you really want to meet their needs no strings attached, the path before you may be intimidating. Meeting the needs of your child at any age is much easier if you made your relationship a priority from the moment you decided to become a parent. The relationship you have during the teen years is the relationship you have been building for over a decade. It is also affected by your attitude, expectations and beliefs about teenagers.

Hopefully some day you will have a teenager. Hopefully some day you will enjoy having a teenager. The choice is yours. Do you want to spend the years arguing with your child or do you want to spend them enjoying your life together? When your child is a young adult do you want them to spend as much time as possible away from you, counting the months until they can move out and have a life of their own? The choice is yours. You can spend your time and energy trying to get your child to live life according to your expectations of who they will be and how they will behave and what they will do, or you can let them live their own life from the day they are born and spend your time and energy on your relationship. You can support them in who they are and what they like to do and how they like to do it from the start.

Putting your relationship first means that as a young adult your child will be able to trust you. They will know that they are free to be who they are without being criticized. They will come to you expecting honest, respectful communication about anything they want to discuss. They will know that if something does not turn out as they hoped or planned that you will be there to support them, no matter what, without lectures or punishment. They will feel your support for their dreams and passions. Putting your relationship first means that you and your child can enjoy the teenage years.

Revisit my blog post Trust to read more about parenting and trusting our children.

If you already have a teenager in the house and you would like to argue less and enjoy life together more revisit my post Conflict or Connection.

You will find a glimpse of the relationship I hope to have with teens in my post I don't tattle.

But we're happy...

2010-09-09T16:40:00.000-07:00

Last week I felt like I wasn't providing adequately for our children. We live on a modest income. We have always lived on a modest income. Some day that will change, but I see my girls growing older and wonder if it will change while they are still here to benefit. We live quite comfortably all things considered, but there are times when all of the shabbiness and hand-me-downs and things that need to get fixed pile up in my mind. This time I felt it while I was changing the sheets. One of my girls sleeps on a mattress that is probably 30 years old. We all sleep on hand-me-down mattresses. Once, when Jess was in the running for a higher paying job, the girls actually said they would like new mattresses. That caused me to pause. How many kids, while dreaming of things they would get if they had more money, would think to ask for a new mattress?

My oldest and I go for a walk each night so we have a chance to talk. I told her about my feelings of lack. I told her that I felt bad because the house wasn't neat and tidy, and we didn't have money to pay for repairs, buy things, or afford more experiences. She responded, "But we're happy."

She went on to talk about the families we know where both parents work so they can have the latest things and nice cars and cool vacations. She mentioned the families we know where the kids do chores to keep their parents happy. She continued on to the families that look like nice families from the outside but have children who are struggling, with parents who are either part of the problem or who aren't doing anything to help the situation. And then there were the families with teens and parents who argue a lot, and who think that's just the way it has to be. She even covered the families where one parent is really cool but can't be the parent that they want to be because they have to keep the other parent happy, and the other parent is very controlling. And then she said that she would rather live the life of our family, because we are happy.

Whenever I find myself looking at someone else's life with envy I ask myself if I would trade lives with that person. I have yet to find anyone that I would trade lives with. Other people may have more money, a nicer house, a better car and more than one car at that, but when I really look at their life there is something affecting their happiness. Often it is their marriage relationship or the sacrifices they make to maintain their financial situation. It has occurred to me that as long as I prefer my life over anyone else's life I must be doing okay. As long as my children can look past all of the things and experiences we cannot presently afford, and appreciate that we are happy, we must be doing okay.

Are you happy?

My child doesn't mind...

2010-09-08T09:05:00.000-07:00

The topic of challenging behaviors comes up regularly in conversations about parenting. There are parents who will lament their difficult teen, or share their exhaustion from caring for a high needs baby, or tell you about their strong willed child. On the other hand there are the parents who will tell you how well behaved their child is, how easy their baby is, or how good their teenager is. These parents will tell you how their child doesn't mind doing chores, and sleeps through the night, and doesn't get into trouble. There are children who are born mellow, easy going, easy to get along with, and generally happy to be here. There are children who like order and have a knack for organization. There are children who go to sleep quickly and easily, and sleep soundly until they wake up happily the next morning. I do not question that these children exist any more than I question that there are children who are born sensitive to loud noises, or with a special affinity for chaos, or who do not stop crying no matter how attentive, nurturing and attached their parents may be.

When parents talk about how their child is one of these easy children I wonder, was their child born this way or did they mold their child into this people pleasing, obedient, good child? Many parents will say that they are supposed to mold their children. Some may say they want to raise a well behaved compliant child and if this describes their child they are successful parents. Parents are supposed to mold, shape, control and train children so they grow up to be responsible adults, aren't they? If you are concerned with the mental, emotional and physical health of your children you may want to rethink that idea. When parents are results focused, good behavior from their children being the most important proof that they are good parents, they may not realize what their child is learning in the process.

Humans are born learning. Infants learn from their interactions with the adults who care for them. The parents learn to respond to the baby's body language and sounds. If the parents are attentive and close by the baby will not have to cry to get its needs met. (Some babies cry more than others, I'm not suggesting that all babies won't cry if their parents are responsive and their needs are met.) If a baby is left alone in a room, in a crib, it will generally have to cry before its needs are met. If it cries and its needs are ignored the baby may stop crying. This does not mean it's a good baby, it means that it has given up. This is not a good thing, in fact it can lead to depression and anxiety in the future. You will find an article about the importance of attachment and the damages of learned helplessness Here .

The pattern of ignoring the needs of a baby can continue on in the parent/child relationship. Have you ever seen a mother who bumped into a friend at the grocery store and is now chatting away while her children stand silently nearby? Is your first thought about how well behaved these children are? I was at the store and a friend was walking out. As she started talking to me her children slumped down on a nearby bench. I learned that she was at the store picking up a prescription for one of her children. As she continued talking, I realized that her sick child was sitting on the bench. The children were not being respectful. The children knew that their needs were not as important as their mother's desire for conversation. They had learned that the best thing to do was to sit and wait, even if they were sick, even if they should have been home in bed. Their needs were not going to be met so they had given up trying.

One of the challenges of parenting is separating who we are and what we expect, from who our children are and what they need. Our children spend their lives, from birth or before, internalizing messages that we may not even know we are sending. They may have learned that we need our house to be clean or we get irritable and irrational. They may understand that it does no good to express their fear of the dark and the separation night time brings, because they will have to go into that room and go to bed even if they are terrified. They may know that even though they are painfully hungry they are not going to be fed because "it's not meal time yet."

Because they started learning these things before they remember, before they started talking, and before you thought they were learning anything, it is easy to think that this is who they are: a child who likes to clean up, who goes to bed without fussing and who only eats at meal times. Ultimately they have become a child who does not expect to get their needs met, and who understands that the parent's needs rule the house. They have become an overly compliant child. They have become desensitized to their own needs. They have been conditioned to meet the needs of their parents to avoid negative consequences. They have learned that they do not have control over their life and that they are not capable of getting their needs met. To the casual observer they are every parent's dream child. They do what they are told and often anticipate what they should do without being asked. Eventually this good child is going to grow up. They may make it through their teenage years still bowed under the weight of their learned helplessness. However, it is often in their teen years that all their unmet needs and disregarded feelings, that have been bottled up inside for over a decade, explode as anger and frustration as adulthood looms on the horizon. Then the parents wonder what happened to their "good child" and place the blame on the teenage years, never considering that this is a result of their parenting.

As parents it is vital that we frequently ask ourselves, "Is this what my child wants or is this what I want?" We need to let our children know that we are open to conversations about what they would and would not like to do. In new situations we must be aware of the verbal and non-verbal messages our children are sending. Our children need to feel safe enough in our relationship to tell us what their needs are. We must be open to the person our child is and guard against molding our child into the person we want them to be.

If you find yourself saying "My child doesn't mind...." check to make sure that is true. First you may have to establish a relationship of trust and create new paths of communication, because right now your child may know that telling you how they really feel is not an option.

How we live at our house

2010-09-07T21:41:00.000-07:00

While trying to come up with useful suggestions for a friend who is interested in changing her parenting I wrote down how we try to live as a family. While I was sorting through my ideas I realized that when we say "mothering" we think of nurturing and warmth and love, and when we say "parenting" we think of discipline. Parenting in the conventional sense of the word speaks of getting our children to do what we want them to do, shaping them as they grow up so they will meet our expectations. I wouldn't use the word "parenting" to describe what we do at our house. If you are interested in learning more about how we try to live each day as a family here is what I came up with today:

We are all partners in our life together. Everyone's needs are equally important.

We acknowledge that our children are people. We respect them for who they are and do not try to mold them into the kind of people we think they should be. They are free to express who they are in what they wear, what they do with their hair, what they eat, when they sleep, how they spend their time, the kind of friends they have, what they believe, and any other way they can come up with.

Our children have choices and we have choices. When we are making choices that affect other members of the family we try to take their needs and feelings into consideration.

We recognize that we chose to bring these children into our life, they did not choose to be here. Because of this we are aware that it is our responsibility to meet their needs, but it is not their responsibility to meet our needs. Our children are not here to meet our expectations of what it will be like to have children and be a family.

We do not control our children. We do not use rewards or punishment, we do not threaten or bribe. We do not use love, praise, negative attention, disapproval, or the withdrawal of love and positive attention, to manipulate our children's behavior.

We know that nothing is more important than our relationships with our children. We are respectful, honest, and dependable. We validate their experiences, take their feelings seriously and make their needs a priority. We do not tease, discount or belittle. We avoid saying anything that is followed by "I was just joking."

How do you live at your house?

Tasha's Conversation

2010-09-05T23:12:00.000-07:00

Today my daughter, Tasha, who will be turning 14 next month, spent quite a long time on Polyvore, a website relating to art and fashion. She commented on a woman's set that celebrated kids returning to school. Tasha's comment lead to a lengthy conversation. I wanted to share that conversation here because she explains so much about our relationship, which many of you will appreciate even if the woman she was responding to did not, and gives some great insight into the life we are living.

A Conversation I had with a Conservative Christian Grandmother on a Fashion Site.

by Tasha Kiri on Sunday, September 5, 2010 at 8:38pm

Her: The kids may not be glad school has started, but there's a party going on in the parent and grand parent corner, lol!

Me: I find it wrong that parents and grandparents can't wait for school to start so they can get rid of their kids. You have kids because you want them, not so you can ship them off to a place where they won't get their needs met and are forced to do things they don't wanna do. There are so many alternatives to school. My sisters and I started Unschooling last year, and my mom loves to have us home. My mom wrote a blog on the subject: http://withthefamily5.blogspot.com/2010/09/other-side-of-first-day-of-school.html

Her: Dear it was meant as a joke! And when we "ship" you off it is to better your mind and your life! We love you so we don't want you to grow up to be ignorant. I do not have a problem with Homeschooling, especially in light of the schools teaching their stupid Evolution classes. If a person is qualified to teach their kids at home, I say more power to them!

Me: When I was sent to school it was not better for my mind or my life. The classes were boring, and I was terribly bullied because I stood up for my beliefs. Now I learn about what I'm interested in and am so much happier.

Her: That is great. But some parents are not qualified to teach their children at home. Also your name that you chose to call yourself on here lends me to believe that there is a bit of rebellion there! You are NOT UNschooled, you are HOME schooled dear!

Me: Unschooling is a form of homeschooling.

Her: Well maybe in your book but to define it correctly, here it is: Home School, Home Schooling..Homeschooling or homeschool (also called home education or home learning) is the education of children at home, typically by parents but sometimes by tutors, rather than in other formal settings of public or private school. ...Definition of Un Schooled...lacking in schooling; "untaught people whose verbal skills are grossly deficient"; "an untutored genius"; "uneducated children"....If you like to be called "grossly deficient " then have at it! It is more likely that you are trying to make your schooled friends jealous of the fact that you do not have to go to school, which is not right either.

Me: "Unschooling is a range of educational philosophies and practices centered on allowing children to learn through their natural life experiences, including child directed play, game play, household responsibilities, work experience, and social interaction, rather than through a more traditional school curriculum. Unschooling encourages exploration of activities led by the children themselves, facilitated by the adults. Unschooling differs from conventional schooling principally in the thesis that standard curricula and conventional grading methods, as well as other features of traditional schooling, are counterproductive to the goal of maximizing the education of each child."

What we actually do is radical Unschooling, which is this:"Whereas unschooling philosophy applies primarily to learning activities, radical unschooling applies to all areas of life. For example, the radical unschooling lifestyle necessarily excludes authoritarian and punitive parenting practices. While unschooling parents may use conventional parenting practices such as set bedtimes, food restrictions, television or video game limitations, etc., radical unschooling parents favor cooperative practices to meet the needs of all family members in equitable ways. Radical unschooling parents may use some tools like those listed below in complementary philosophies."

I would never try and make most of my schooled friend jealous. If they are jealous, it is because they want what I have, which is a happy, non-controlling family. They most always prefer to come over to my house, when their houses have Wiis, big TVs, and lots of other stuff we don't have. They like it here because it's a safe environment, where they will not be forced to do things (ie. chores) and are allowed to do pretty much anything they want.

Her: I disagree with what you say all around! It is still considered HOME schooling! Unschooled is a lack of education, a willful decision to not be taught an education!....Also are you assuming houses that have Wiis, big screen TV's and such are unsafe environments? If so, that is stereotyping people unfairly! Also I am sure they like it if you and your friends are allowed to do whatever you want., BUT what does that say about your home life? I loved my children enough when they were kids and now my grand children so much that I care about what they are doing at ALL times! I want them to have structure and stability and learn that life is about following rules and having respect for authorities! What kind of message is your mother sending out to you if she allows you to do what you want? I was active in my kids lives and now my grandkids. They strive to make good grades, be responsible by doing their chores and learning to respect authorities. These things need to be learned to make it as an adult. Chores never killed anyone! Just the opposite! It helps to grow them into being a responsible, hard working, self sustaining, reliable adults!.

Me: The label that is used for what we do is Unschooling. I know of hundreds of people who do it, and all of the adults I know that were unschooled turned out successfully. I don't think you understand what I'm trying to say. I'm not saying that houses like that are unsafe. I'm saying that I think it's cool that my friends choose to come over to my house, and feel safe there. My mom trusts me and my friends enough to not need to know what we are doing all the time. She lets us do what we want, so there is no sneaking around. I tell her almost everything. She understands that there are things that I don't wanna tell her, and she excepts that. My mom doesn't want us to grow up and feel that we have to do things we don't wanna do. She wants me to be a strong, independent adult, so she starts by treating me like one now. She is very active in my lives, and in my friends' lives. I tell her things they tell me not to tell anyone because I know she won't go out and tell their parents.

Grades are not that important. On that subject, neither is college. What's important is doing what you love, and what you wanna do.

When my mom used to try and get me and my sisters to do chores when we were in school, it caused a lot of conflict. We all hated cleaning because of that. Now that we don't have chores and school, we have all the free time that we need. Because of that, we are more likely to help with the dishes, or clean our rooms. There's nothing that we have to do, so the things that we used to not do because we had to, we do. Chores are not necessary.

I feel more prepared for the real world now that I can do whatever I want.

Her: Well whatever your reason or your moms, I still don't agree with it, but it's your choice...I praise God that I had parents that cared enough about me that they told me what I could and could and couldn't do. They made me go to school, pushed me to be an honor roll student, made me go to church, decided who I could hang out with, where I could go and knew what I was doing! All these things molded me into the responsible, hard working, caring, self sufficient adult I am today. Because of their constant involvement and input in my life, I was able to raise my kids in that same environment and their kids as well......Grades ARE important! Do you really want to be known as the kid with a D and F average?? I was proud that I was an A & B Honor Roll student.....

Me: I honestly would hate if my parents pushed me to do something, or decided what I could and couldn't do. My mom has helped me dye my hair every color in the rainbow and is fine with me choosing my own friends. If I wanted to I could get almost any piercing or wander around the city at three am with my friends, and she would trust me to do that and be safe. I pick out all of my clothes, and she says as long as I feel good in them I can wear them. I could even date anyone I wanted to (boys, girls, gender queer) and she would still except me for who I am.

I was known as the good girl with all A's all through out elementary school and part my first (and only) year of middle school, and I hated it. All of the teachers expected too much out of me, and if I didn't do my work they would be disappointed. By the time I left middle school I didn't care about my grades (I still finished the year with mostly B's). I'm still considered a good kid, and most adults enjoy hanging out with me.

Also, I have no piercings and have never dated anyone. I don't dress super inappropriately, and I have amazing friends.

Her: Well that sounds like to me a lazy way for your mom to get out of her parenting responsibilities! I for one DID care if my child were running around on drug ridden, gun-toting, gang infested streets! I DID care if my child was engaging in sexual relationships not only without the sanctity of marriage, but also not to mention in a sinful gay relationship! I DID care if my daughters were wearing skirts up to their booties, tops low enough to see their cleavage and pants tight enough to see every curve on her body! I cared enough because I wanted others to look at them with respect and not drooling at the mouth with lust! I do care because I wanted them to know they were more than a sexual object, they were a woman whom God made to become upstanding, moral, respectful individuals who grew up up to be good mothers and wives! I did care who they hung out with because "Bad company corrupts good Character"!.......I think it is sad that your mother doesn't have enough interest in your well being to know who you are hanging out with, what you are doing, when you are coming home and etc...... What will she do if you end up pregnant or on dope or in jail??? Will she say "she did what she wanted to do"??? I think it is irresponsible way to raise a family!

Me: My mom DOES care about me too. The streets here are very safe. I NEVER mentioned sex once. In my family we are excepting of everyone, and love is love. I DON'T wear tight clothes. My mother knows who I hang out with, and enjoys hanging out with them too. I let her know where I am, and when I'll be home, even more than my more traditionally raised friends tell their parents. I don't do drugs, I've never kissed anyone, and I don't do bad things. If I was in a bad situation my mom would be there for me. She loves me just as much as you love your kids. Oh, and my dad teaches parenting classes through a social services organization.

Her: You contradict yourself! One minute you say you don't have to answer to anyone, you come and go as you please, and so on. Mow you say she knows everything you do, everyone you hang out with and so on. Which is it??

Me: I don't HAVE to do it, but I choose to. That's not contradicting myself.

Her: And yes, you did mention sexuality..."I could even date anyone I wanted to (boys, girls, gender queer) and she would still except me for who I am.".....If she loves you as much as she should, then she would be raising you in an environment where she decides what is best for you, not you! She is suppose to be the mother, the responsible one!

Me: That's sexuality, not flat out sex. There's a difference. She loves me, and lets me be my own person. And she is responsible, but so am I.

Her: Yea well, letting you do as you want is not being responsible! I hope when you are practicing being your own person, you don't get into something you cant handle. Will she blame you then because you were "doing your own thing"??

Me: I don't need to practice being my own person, I already am. In our family we don't divide by adults and kids, we are all individual people.There is no blame. If I did get into a bad situation, she would be there for me and take care of me.

And then she blocked me.

The End.

The other side of The First Day of School

2010-09-02T11:06:00.000-07:00

A friend posted on facebook that her daughter was headed to the bus stop. One of the comments on the post was "you are so lucky!!! My kids dont start till next week!!!"

Other parents have posted the Staples commercial that declares "It's the most wonderful time of the year again" because "Their going back!"

When a mother posts, "you are so lucky!!! My kids dont start till next week!!!" I wonder if her children are her facebook friends and know what she's posting. Then again, she is probably also saying it out loud in her home. Her children are hearing this message and, no matter what their age, they are internalizing, "I can't wait until you go away." In that moment it is hard to imagine that the child feels loved and cherished.

I used to send my children to school. I will admit that in the past I talked about how great it would be when my children were all in school. Then when they were in school, I did look forward to the beginning of school in the fall and the end of holiday vacations.

I also used to be that mother who yelled at her children and tried to control what they ate, when they slept, and tried to make them do chores. Notice that I use the word "tried" because I was not successful. Because I was not successful a vicious cycle of lack of success, more frustration and more yelling, which lead to less success and more frustration and more yelling, took over our family. You may not think that looking forward to the start of school and being a mother who yelled at her children are related. My life is an example of how directly connected they are.

When I stopped trying to control my children and started focusing on our relationship, and being respectful of them as people, things changed. When my relationship with my children changed from "controlling parent and child who should do what she was told", to "parent and child who are partners in the exploration of life" spending time together at home became easier, more fun and enjoyable. We have always been a family that had successful outings and enjoyed doing things together. We have always been a family that outsiders would look at and say "They are such a nice family." However, we have not always been a family that lived happily together in our home. For the most part it was because of me that our house was not always a place of peace, love and joy.

I changed my parenting before our children stopped going school. Because I changed how I was parenting my need for time away from my children decreased. Because I changed how I was parenting my children's desire to spend time with me increased. We have chosen to be a family who loves and supports each other. We have chosen to live a life of respect and connection. Because of this, our lives have been transformed. I can no longer imagine wanting my children to get on the bus and leave me for 7 hours. My children are sad when their friends go back to school, but they have no desire to get on the bus that drives past our house each day. Instead, on the first day of school we celebrate who we are as a family. In small ways we mark the day that reminds us how far we have come and the blessings of our chosen way of life.

If you are a parent who yells at your children and who looks forward to the first day of school I hope you will read the books that started me on this journey to a better life together as a family:

"Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Punishment and Rewards to Love and Reason." by Alfie Kohn
http://www.alfiekohn.org/index.php

"Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming parent-child relationships from reaction and struggle to freedom, power and joy." By Naomi Aldort

http://www.naomialdort.com/

The first day of school

2010-08-31T14:45:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the first day of school for the children in our school district.

Here are our plans for the first day of school:

*Sleep in

*Eat ice cream sundaes for lunch

*Chew gum

*Watch Harry Potter (The Hogwarts year begins on September 1st, which is tomorrow.)

*Take not back to school pictures

*Use our outside voices inside

*Have friends over who are also not going to school, and Skype with those who live far away

*What ever else we want to do, when we want to do it, depending on how we are feeling at the time.

This list came from asking the question, "What do you want to do on the first day of school?" Different members of the family contributed ideas. We will be spending our day together so our day is a collaborative effort. That makes sense since our life is a collaborative effort.

What do you want to do on the first day of school?

What do your children want to do on the first day of school?

You have choices. Your children should have choices, too. I am not going to tell you that your first day of school should look just like ours. It shouldn't. Every family is different. However, I am going to tell you that school is optional for everyone. There are families of different shapes and sizes, with different financial situations and different levels of health, who find creative solutions so that their children have the freedom to make choices about what and when and how they learn. If your child choose school there are a lot of options within the school system that are worth exploring. There are also an ever increasing number of private and charter schools.

If you find yourself saying, "We could never homeschool because we would argue all the time," take a good look at your relationship with your child and your methods of parenting. The truth is, I said that for years. I knew I could not handle homeschooling my girls. Homeschool moms were those super organized women who made their kids sit at the kitchen table for hours each morning doing work. That was not going to work for me or my children, so I assumed homeschooling was out of the question. With a change in perspective, a change in parenting and a change of heart I realized that homeschooling was something we could do, we just had to do it in a way that fit our family.

Whatever you do on the first day of school, I hope it strengthens your relationship with your child. If your child dreads school figure out why and find a way to meet their needs. If your child is begging to go to school let go of your need to homeschool. Your child may cheerfully wave from the school bus window on the first day, but if after the first week school mornings have become something to dread it is time to look for options. Ask yourself, "What are my child's needs and how can I meet those needs?" No matter how official and in control of your child's life school may seem, remember: School is not more important than your relationship with your child. It took me years to figure that out. This will be our second first day of school that we celebrate in our own way. Last year we went to a park and made S'mores. How are you going to celebrate the first day of school with your children?

Dreams

2010-08-30T15:51:00.000-07:00

We spent our weekend at an event for children and young adults who were hoping to connect with an agent and start a career in acting or modeling. Stress was unavoidable. And yet, everyone was choosing to be in this stressful environment because of a dream. The kids came to make their dreams come true. The parents attended to support their children. Most were obviously involved parents, in a positive sense. Some had flown in from other states, some had driven long hours, all were paying the bill. Many of them, myself included, were way out of their comfort zone. We were taking in huge amounts of information while staying on top of where our kids were supposed to be, who was being called for auditions or to be on stage, and doing our best to meet our children's needs - often while loud music rocked the room. Even though everyone was feeling varying degrees of tension, there was no yelling, no screaming, or cringe worthy parent/child interactions.

Watching parents reunite with their children who had just performed a 30 second monologue, starting at the word "action" and stopping when they were done or at the word "time," was fascinating. Most of the parents smiled and shared words of encouragement, support or excitement. Here were children as young as 4 standing in line waiting their turn to perform in front of two strangers, who sat behind a table only a few feet away. Most of us watched with our hearts pounding, amazed at our child's courage and determination. Those who managed to watch with a critical eye, who greeted their child afterward tight lipped and dissatisfied, were most likely the parents who were trying to live their own dream through their child. There were a few. The mother of the twin girls, no older than 5, who said to me, as we waited to hear if our children had caught the eye of an agent, "They just want to go swimming. They are like, 'We've done what you asked. Now can we go swimming?'" How different from the mother who explained, "She says she wants to be Matilda. It's all about her." The latter was a child, age 4, who performed a 30 second commercial at the word "action" without hesitation and with expression. She took her afternoon nap in her mother's arms, woke up and 5 minutes later was on stage learning how to hit the X on the corner and turn to wave at the agents who would be watching her the next day. A child of 4 who had a dream. A mother who was doing whatever it took to support that dream.

As I was walking through this mass of remarkable people, I thought "Everyone has a dream." At this event that was true. However, in society at large that does not ring true. Everyone should have a dream, but dreams are often discouraged. Parents and grandparents may encourage children toward practical careers. They want their children to grow up and have security, stability and a "good life," without considering what kind of life might be good for their child. Schools encourage children to get good grades, prepare for tests, and score well on those tests. Schools are created with required classes, expected behaviors, generic benchmarks, and a rigid schedule. In schools children are told what to learn, when to sit, move, speak, eat and even when they can go to the bathroom. It is a rare school that leaves space for dreams. Even then, your dream has to fit within the school's approved dreams. Often there is no allowance for dreams until high school. Then, if your school is large enough, there may be sports, dance, art, and theater, along with advanced academic opportunities. Unfortunately, by the time kids have reached high school their dreams may have already been lost, or they did not had opportunities to explore the world and find a dream to hold onto.

Encourage dreams. Part of encouraging dreams is validating interests and passions however odd or irrelevant they may seem. Do not discount someone else's dream just because it does not resonate with you and your dreams. Do not discount someone else's dream because you are jealous that they have opportunities that you did not have, or that they dared to dream when you went with what was expected. Do not encourage conformity for conformity's sake. If your child says, "When I grow up I'm going to be a car salesperson." do not belittle that idea. She may grow up and happily sell cars, because helping people buy the car that is right for them brings her joy. Or she may leave the desire to sell cars behind and move on to designing cars or building cars or racing cars. If your child wants to play basketball do not tell him that he is too short. Instead, support his love of the game and see where it leads. He may end up being the next Muggsy Bogues, but he also might go into sports medicine, become a coach or end up working for ESPN as a commentator. As parents it is not up to us to determine what our child's dream should or should not be. It is not for us to decide what our child can and cannot achieve in their life time. As parents we have the opportunity to explore the world with our children. We can suggest new things to try or find new outlets for our child's interests, accepting their interest or lack of interest in our suggestions. We have the opportunity to expand our horizons as we support our children when their dreams take us places we would have never gone on our own.

As parents we need to give our children the opportunity to own their dreams. It is easy to get wrapped up in our child's dream and find ourselves pushing them when we should let them move forward when they are ready. We may find ourselves saying that we are proud of their accomplishments when they should be free to be proud of themselves. We may need to step back and let them try new things on their own even if it makes us nervous. We may need to remind ourselves that this is their journey, not ours. We may be their support person, their chauffeur, the person who pays the bills and makes sure the clothes they need is clean, but our child must be comfortable with our level of involvement. We must make sure that we are there for them when they need us, but we must also make sure that we do not infringe on their dreams because of our need to feel needed or our need to be in control. One way to avoid getting overly involved in our children's dreams is to follow dreams of our own. If we have lost touch with our dreams, or perhaps were never encouraged to dream, our children may be a source of inspiration as we see their joy in following their dreams. When we take the time to follow our dreams we may find that our children are our biggest fans, just as we are theirs.

Why?

2010-08-25T08:26:00.000-07:00

Why should I?

When a parent asks a child to do something and the child resists or refuses, the parent may interpret this as the child being disrespectful or disobedient. Some parents come from a place of authority that sees "Because I said so, that's why!" or "Don't ask questions, just do as you're told," as reasonable responses to a child's question of why they need to do something.

When a child resists or refuses to do something it is an opportunity for us to look at how and what we are asking. Perhaps the problem isn't with our child and his or her seeming unwillingness to cooperate. The problem may lie with what we are asking. Is this something the child really needs to do? Are we asking them to do something because we don't want to do it ourselves? Are we asking the child to do something that makes them uncomfortable, afraid, or anxious? There may also be a problem with how we are asking. Are we actually making a request, or are we making a demand or giving an order? If we are making a request then we should be able to accept "no" as a possible response. "Yes" or "I am doing something else right now, and I will do that later" are also options. Sometimes the child's response may have little to do with our request and more to do with something else that is going on in their life.

Perhaps the real problem is that parents often do not stop and find out why the child does not want to do what has been requested. When a child says "No!" there is a reason. Parents seem to have been conditioned to view children's negative responses as being willful, disobedient, stubborn, strong willed, challenging, testing the limits, being difficult, or attributed to a certain age group - two years old and teens in particular. Parent's willingness to dismiss a child's behavior as "she's just being difficult" is a failure to recognize that children do not wake up in the morning saying "Today I'm just going to be difficult." "My life as a child isn't challenging enough. Today I think I'll be extra difficult so that my parents will get really frustrated with me and end up punishing me for my behavior."

If a child is not doing what we want him to do it's time to work together to figure out why. It is not time to make threats and demands and dole out punishments for lack of compliance. Ultimately children's behavior is tied to their needs. If their needs are not being met they will do whatever they can, with the resources they have, to get them met. If a child feels a lack of control over their own life they will grab control of whatever they can. Often with young children this involves controlling bodily functions: using the potty or not, eating or not, and sleeping or not. If children feel a lack of control or power in their life saying "No!" may be a way that they are trying to gain some control. However, the "why" may be something else. A child may not want to wear a certain piece of clothing because the tag itches. She may not want to wear a jacket because it makes her feel constrained. He may not want to go to a friend's house because a dog there scared him the last time he visited. He may not want to leave the house because he is worried about missing a favorite TV show. She may not want to eat a certain food because the texture is icky in her mouth. She may not want to go swimming because she saw an advertisement for "Shark Week" on TV. We won't know why unless we take the time to figure it out. And, if we don't take the time to figure it out we are missing an opportunity to connect with our child.

Finding out the why behind the "No!" or "Why should I?" or "I don't want to," helps us support our children as they explore the world. We are able to validate their feelings and problem solve if needed. When we listen to them we learn more about who they are, what they like, what they don't like, and what helps them feel confident and comfortable. If we avoid using punishments, praise, threats, and other forms of manipulation to extract compliance from our child, we are free to develop a relationship that allows for honest trust filled communication. If children learn that obedience is required, or that compliance will be extracted from them through any means necessary, they will stop trying to communicate the why of their refusals. They will learn to stuff their feelings, hide their fears and to do what other people tell them to do without question. They will accept that how they feel, what they need, and who they are is not as important as what we want them to do. When we take the time to discuss what needs to be done, or if something needs to be done, or how something could be done differently, if we listen to how our children feel about something we think they should do, our children learn to express how they feel and how to constructively get their needs met.

When we take the time to find out what is really going on, our child will learn that who they are is more important than our need to control them and their behavior. When we let go of our need to control our children and their behavior we create space for a relationship based on connection, unconditional love and trust filled communication. And that is the Why behind the way that I choose to interact with my children.

Living the Life You Want

2010-08-20T12:38:00.000-07:00

Living your life the way you want it to be enables you to live your way into the life you want. We sometimes live life on hold, waiting for the right moment to begin making changes. There is no "right moment," there is only this moment. In this moment we can make choices that bring us closer to the life we dream of living. For this to work we need to have a vision, some idea of the life we want to be living. We have to know what we want for our life in order to begin living the life we want. If I say, "In my perfect life I will get up and do yoga, and then blog while drinking hot tea," I have a blueprint for my morning. When I get up I can start doing yoga, even if it's just a few minutes, and blog, even if it's just a few sentences, while drinking hot tea. Now I'm living my dream life. I may only be living it for fifteen minutes each morning, but I am moving in the direction of living the life I want to live.

This same concept applies to parenthood. If we have a vision of the relationship we want to have with our children when they are older we can start making choices, living the life, that will bring us to that relationship years in the future. We may say, "When my child is 18 I would like for us to have a close relationship. I would like to be able to talk openly about life and social issues and choices and passions. I want to enjoy spending time together." Perhaps you picture your relationship when your child is even older. "If my child chooses to have children, it is my that hope she will welcome my involvement in their lives. When my child is an adult I would like to continue to have a close, loving, fun relationship."

When I remember to ask myself, "How will this affect my relationship with my child?" I can make decisions that strengthen our connection in each moment. Each time I make a choice that creates connection, nurtures trust, and enables us to both feel understood, I am creating the relationship we will have 20 years into the future right now, in this moment.

I have some clear hopes for the future of this family. I want my children to be comfortable in their skin and I want them to feel accepted and loved for who they are, not just for what they do. As my children grow older I want them to know that this is their home as long as they want to be here. And when they do venture off into the world, I want them to know that they will always be welcome to return and stay where ever their parents might be living at the time. It is my hope that my girls will grow up as attached and loving sisters who enjoy each other. It is also my hope that they will continue to enjoy my company and the company of their father. I want our family to continue to have fun and enjoy exploring life together, even when we are all grown up and living our own lives more separately. And in the future, if the time comes when I need a place to stay, I hope they will feel comfortable welcoming me into their homes without hesitation.

Watching the interactions of the parents and children around me can be like looking into a crystal ball. The vision of their future can be very clear. I see the connection or the disconnection and I am reminded that my choices in this moment influence the relationship I will have with my children in the future. I cannot parent with praise and punishment, and expect my child to feel my unconditional love. I cannot require my children to grow up to be the person I want them to be, and expect them to feel comfortable being authentic around me when they are an adult. I cannot parent using the withdrawal of attention, approval, love or my presence, and expect my child to trust that I will be there for them no matter what. If I choose to parent through manipulation and control I should not be shocked when my teenager feels the need to separate from me to be her own person, or to hang out with friends who like her just the way she is. If I do not treat my child with respect it should come as no surprise that she does not treat me with respect.

My interactions with my children each day, my attitude towards them as they pass through the many stages of life, my ability to choose to act from a place of connection, respect, trust and unconditional love in each moment determines the relationship we will have 10 years from now. Because I have a vision for our relationship I am looking forward to our future together. I think about how amazing it will be when there are three teenage girls living in this house!

What kind of relationship do you want with your children when they are teens? What do you want it to be like when they are 40? How do you want them to relate to you when you are 80? Is it time to create a positive vision for your future together?

Today was a "Good Day"

2010-08-13T14:24:00.000-07:00

Wednesday I felt like a successful unschooler. We had one of those magical days full of activity, wonder, social connection and diversity that other unschooling parents post about.

I got up early and saw Jess off to work. After watering the garden I started a blog post and caught up on my e-mails and facebook before the girls were awake. I cheerfully greeted my three girls and our visiting girl. I offered a variety of food with no takers, so I turned the whole kitchen table into a monkey platter. I called the airport and found that the cell phone of visiting girl had been turned in to lost and found, and I arranged for transportation for girls to the airport since the car was at work.

The girls worked on recording a song and planning a music video. They played computer games and watched youtube videos. They walked to the park and our wonderful corner gas station where they bought goodies. They fit in some dramatic play and a visit to the neighbor's chickens. We added another girl to the mix while her mom stayed for coffee and her dad was the taxi to the airport. My youngest passed some time sketching amazing pictures that are now on the refrigerator. More friends came over. We experimented with using coconut oil to help start a fire. Soon there were six girls on the patio making s'mores. Another friend and her young son stopped by. We visited while he explored our house for the first time and I made the dough for our pizza dinner.

Somewhere in all of this we got the hamster out and discovered that she had mites, so the girls treated her while I cleaned out her entire cage. After dinner two of the girls made cookies. My oldest daughter and I went for our nightly walk. Afterward, even though it was very late, my youngest wanted a walk and we ended up seeing the most amazing meteor ever!

Along the way I managed to fit into the day washing 4 loads of laundry, 2 loads of dishes and a sink full of pots and bowls, vacuuming the downstairs, scrubbing the upstairs shower, picking beans and pea pods in the garden, making food as needed, and planning my next crochet project.

It was a very good day.

Upon reflection, I realized that while these are the days we tend to write about because there is a lot going on externally. That doesn't make them more valuable than other days, it just makes them more interesting to other people. Every day is valuable, but some days what is going on is more internal. Resting, recovering, growing, processing, reflecting, and relaxing are all vitally important to our physical and mental well being, not to mention our creative processes. They are also not very impressive to the casual observer.

One of the concepts that can challenge people new to unschooling is that one activity is not more valuable than another. We get sucked into thinking that spending the day reading about American history is more worth while than a day spent playing computer games. We can feel that a day spent writing a story is more worth while than a day spent staring out the window. We may think that spending the day with a group of people is more worth while than a day spent alone in a room. We think that a successful experiment is more worth while than a failure.

The truth is that if every day were as packed full as Wednesday, I would burn out before a week was half over. In a society that focuses on external activities, and fitting as much as possible into the schedule, I find life much more enjoyable, and learning much more possible, when we are free to have days full of nothing as well as days full of everything. A local radio station recently had a "busy mom" contest. As the DJ went on and on about how busy the winner was I realized that I am not a busy mom. The thought made me smile. My schedule does not have to be packed full beyond capacity for my life to be complete. I do not need to be over scheduled to feel successful.

Life is a flow of activity and rest. Busy times and times to reflect. Time to stare out the window and think thoughts, and time to write those thoughts down in a story. Every day is of value, every experience leads to learning, and every moment we are living authentically is worth our while. Every day is a good day.

Conflict or Connection?

2010-08-07T16:36:00.000-07:00

Where does conflict begin?

Sighing, eye rolling, and selective hearing. Feet planted, arms crossed, and scowling face.

Does this describe your kid?

Do you say any of the following:

"Don't you use that tone with me!"
"How many times do I have to tell you?"
"Weren't you listening?!"
"You can't always have what you want."
"That's not for you."
"Why can't you get it through your head..."
"Grow up!"
"Act your age!"
"Stop that Right Now!"

Sighing, eye rolling, and selective hearing. Feet planted, arms crossed, and scowling face. Parents do these things, too. We direct them at our children. Chances are that there are times when you send less than respectful, non-verbal messages to your children, when you are feeling annoyed or frustrated or worn thin. Why then do we feel justified in getting angry when our children do the exact same thing back? Our children who are new to this world, who have less experience coping, and many more frustrations than we are often willing to admit.

Now read the quotes again and imagine times when your child would have reason to say them back to you.

"Don't you use that tone with me!"
Do you use a sarcastic or sassy voice with your child?
Do you use a mean, harsh, threatening voice?
Do you speak to your child in a voice you would never use with another adult?

"How many times do I have to tell you?"
Does your child have to tell you over and over what they like and don't like?
Does your child have to remind you how to cut their sandwich or what shirt is their favorite? Does your child have to remind you that it hurts when you brush their hair?

"Weren't you listening?!"
Do you tune your child out?
Does your child start talking only to realize that you have glazed over
and are thinking about what's for dinner,
or the game you are playing on the computer,
or that vacation, without children, you want to take with your spouse?

"You can't always have what you want."
Do you insist that things go the way that you planned?
Do you get frustrated and angry
and let your children know about those feelings loud and clear
when you don't get what you want?

"That's not for you."
Do you lack respect for your child's personal property?
Do you invade your child's privacy?
Do you fail to recognize that children have special places or possessions
that are private and not for you?

"Why can't you get it through your head..."
Do you insist that you know what your child needs
even when they are trying to let you know that their needs are different?
Do you tell them to go to bed because they are tired,
when they know they aren't sleepy?
Do you tell them there is nothing to be afraid of,
when they know that their fear is real?
Do you tell them they need to sit still
when they really need to go run around outside?
Do you try and make them discuss
things when they really just need some time alone
to sort out how they feel?

"Grow up!"
Do you get tired or hungry or over stimulated and throw fits?
Do you yell and scream and stomp your feet?
Throw things?

"Act your age!"
Do you act less like an adult some times
and more like the child of your past
who didn't get their needs met?

"Stop that Right Now!"
Do you get into a project and ignore your children?
Do you ever just need a good cry?
(Imagine your child saying "Stop Crying Right NOW!")
Do you ever get really excited about something
and feel the need to jump up and down?
What about laughing so hard you just can't stop?

Getting back to the original questions, "Where does conflict begin?" Who actually creates the conflict? Most parents will point to the child. "My child won't do what I ask. He has a bad attitude." "My child needs to learn how to control her behavior." "My child can be very disrespectful."

Watch this interaction with me:
A mom is sitting in the shade watching her kids play at the beach. Her teenage daughter walks up and asks, "Mom, where's the sunscreen?"
The mom sighs loudly, "It's in the bag."
The daughter asks,"Where's the bag?"
The mom makes a face and points somewhere vaguely to her left, "It's over there."
The daughter is not sure where the bag is so she asks, "Will you get it for me?"
The mother snaps, "No! You can get it yourself."
The daughter still doesn't know where exactly the bag is and is feeling frustrated, a whining tone creeps into her voice, "But I don't know where it is."
The mom is clearly angry at the daughter now,"You need to stop it with the attitude!"
The daughter is upset, "Fine, I won't put on sunscreen."
To which her mom replies, "You can't go swimming without sunscreen."
Now it is the daughter's turn to sigh. The argument continues until the girl gives up and goes to search in the general direction of the bag with the sunscreen.

I didn't make this story up. The daughter wanted the sunscreen. That's a good thing, right? The mother was annoyed from the beginning of the interaction because of the inconvenience of having to answer a question. The girl was clearly uncomfortable wandering through a group of people trying to find the bag with the sunscreen. As soon as the girl was gone the mother smiled and started chatting with the woman next to her. It never crossed her mind that she could have gotten up, found the bag, offered to put sunscreen on her child and in the process connected with her teen daughter. Instead, the mother created the conflict, blamed it on the daughter, and they both ended up feeling irritated and unhappy. What a lovey day at the beach.

The next time there is conflict in your relationship with your child look at your body language. Are you open to conversation, are you willing to hear their perspective, are you showing them with your body that you want to hear what they have to say? What tone of voice are you using? Are you focusing on them and not your cell phone, or the computer, or another adult? Even if you are convinced that your child is the source of the conflict, ask yourself what you can do to connect with your child. What behavior on your part will help you both feel better in the situation? Who started the conflict is not nearly as important as finding a way to create connection. When we focus on finding solutions and meeting needs, instead of focusing on who is to blame, it becomes easier to find ways to connect with our children.

...and my husband

2010-08-03T14:04:00.000-07:00

Whenever I use the phrase "Nothing is more important to me than my relationship with my children" it feels incomplete. Nothing is more important to me than my relationship with my children and my husband. Some parents have to make a choice between their relationship with their children and their relationship with their spouse or partner, my heart hurts for them even as I'm thankful that is not true in my life. Perhaps I should say that nothing is more important to me than my relationship with my family. In my life that began with a commitment to an unborn child.

Our life, as a couple, has been a winding path (isn't everyone's?) and in our relationship we made a commitment to our children before we fully made a commitment to each other. We were at a point of transition in our relationship and in our individual lives. We were preparing to go our separate ways because our life paths seemed to be diverging when an unplanned pregnancy added a new set of variables to our choices. We chose to stay together to be parents. That decision set us on the path of spending the rest of our lives together. We had choices and this is the choice we made: we would stay together, to parent together, out of unconditional love for an unborn child. A bit backwards for most people, but we made a commitment to the family we would become, it was never just a commitment to each other and our relationship as a couple. Our commitment to each other grew out of the choice to be parents together. Through the challenges , the struggles, and even dark moments of desperation, we have always been able to count on each other because our relationship is rooted in our commitment to our family. Our respect for each other also grew from these roots. We both have scars from the past. Broken relationships, attachment and abandonment issues and personal pain that could easily have destroyed our marriage if we were not absolutely committed to our children and our family. We have supported each other through huge amounts of personal growth and here we are today in a much healthier place than either of us were more than a decade ago.

Our commitment to our family, our choice to parent together, lead us to a respectful partnership and unconditional love for each other. For me, this smoothed the transition to being a respectful partner in the lives of our children. Because, even though I would have always told you I loved my children unconditionally, and even though I made a conscious choice to be a parent, my evolution as a truly unconditional parent who lives in respectful partnership with her children has happened relatively recently.

Everyone has their own story, the pattern of their life before they had children, the relationship they have or don't have with the other biological parent of their children, the relationship they have with their partner or spouse if they have one, and their relationship with extended family.

If you had years together with your partner or spouse before you had children then your experience will be different from mine. If you were single well into adulthood before having children you had plenty of time to establish routines that may have shifted when you started sharing your life with another adult, and which were then were completely disrupted upon the arrival of your child or children. If you committed to a relationship with someone who was already a parent hopefully you made a commitment to their children, too. Usually adults make a commitment to their relationship with another adult and when children come into their lives, into the relationship, the adults may see this as secondary, or an infringement on, or an inconvenience to their relationship as a couple, even though they chose to be a parent.

Some times it is the parents who have had to wait the longest, who have over come the biggest barriers in order to have children, who seem then to struggle the most with how being a parent impacts their own life and their relationships with other adults. I think this can be particularly true for women who came of age in the 80's and 90's who were told they can and should have it all: a career, marriage, children, and plenty of time for themselves. These are messages I grew up with, too. I'm not saying you cannot or should not have it all. However, if you've spent at least 15 years of your adult life having "it all" except the children and then you choose to add children to the mix you need to expect that the transition to being an involved, connected, respectful partner in the life of your child is going to require a huge reevaluation of every priority you ever had. If you are at that point, if you are considering becoming a parent, are trying to find a more peaceful way to parent, or are trying to find a greater sense of balance in your life and relationships I have a phrase for you: Nothing is more important to me than my relationship with my family.

For me the commitment to being a parent lead me down the path to an amazing and wonderful relationship with my husband. For you it may be that your commitment to your relationship with your partner or spouse will lead you down the path to an amazing and wonderful relationship with your children. Either way, living by choice in a family with a foundation of unconditional love and respectful partnership is an amazing place to be.

Pardon me, your Lack is showing...

2010-07-29T19:13:00.000-07:00

I've written about children and their feelings of lack. I've written about my own struggle with feelings of lack that are rooted in my childhood. Now I'm going to write about your feelings of lack. I have gotten pretty familiar with your feelings of lack over the last year. They show up when you post on facebook, respond on group lists, and in your comments on blogs. When someone writes something that pushes your lack button you respond from your place of lack. Your lack speaks of your pain, your fear, your childhood, your grasping and your rejecting. Your lack tells others that you reject what they are saying because it makes you feel uncomfortable or judged or angry or insulted. Often when the person wasn't writing to you, and sometimes even when they do not know who you are. Your place of lack is deep inside you and when it takes control you are no longer able to hear what others are saying or respond from a rational place or take a deep breath before you blurt out a harsh and negative response. It clouds your perception of what others are saying. Walls that protected you as a child go back up. You have your feet planted in your personal place of lack, your arms crossed in front of you and you know, you absolutely know, that what the other person is saying does not apply to you or your life, or your children, because you can't have what they have, there isn't enough, you aren't entitled, or it just isn't possible because of all those reasons your mind replays over and over again.

"It must be nice to have (money, time, a husband, a partner, energy, the option, family near by who will help) but I don't so that's not possible for me."

You then seem determined to teach your children that lack is the natural way of life by creating it in their life.

"It's my job to teach my children that they can't have everything they want."
"I have to say no to my child because they can't have (junk food, plastic crap, unlimited screen time, the electronic game they want) because (they'll get cancer, the planet is doomed, they will become addicted, they will not learn the difference between wants and needs.)

Lack parenting says, "I didn't get what I needed and wanted as a child and now my child cannot have what they want and need." Lack parenting sometimes stems from a place of not being willing to admit that maybe we didn't turn out as o.k. as we thought we did, maybe our parents weren't as absolutely perfect as we hold them up to be. Maybe if we admit that our childhood wasn't perfect we will have to admit to the hurt, the injustice, the damage that we have bottled up and hidden in the dark, sad, scared place in our heart.

Do you like living in a place of lack? Do you like filling your children with your fears about the environment and the food they eat and the people around them and the scarcity of everything from love to fossil fuel? People eat junk food and live long lives, people eat healthy food and get cancer. To a young child the connection between the desired toy and toxic chemicals and fossil fuel is sketchy at best. Children who live in freedom, who can play computer games whenever they want, eventually end up playing for however long their personal interest dictates, no addiction involved. In life there are things your child won't be able to have (mine will never have naturally red hair) and we don't need to create scarcity or put road blocks in the way of things they can have if it is really important to them.

In my mind meeting everyone's needs includes meeting the needs of the planet. That's a huge leap, I know. When I am meeting the needs of my children and getting my needs met, we are also in conversation about the world around us. When we decided to get rid of our gas guzzling van and become a one car family again it had to be o.k. with the entire family. Our girls weren't excited about the idea at first. Feelings of lack came to the surface. We talked and more than that we listened. We discussed the oil disaster in the gulf and how getting rid of our van was a gesture of honoring the water and all the living things being affected. We decided that we'd donate it to the Humane Society because that way we were helping animals locally, too. While the couple hundred dollars we might have gotten through selling the van would have helped us, we let go of our feelings of lack and created a lot of positive feelings by donating it and making a symbolic gesture.

Imagine a world where everyone's needs were met. Imagine a world where everyone lived life following their passions and living authentically. Imagine a world where the joy and peace and bliss you feel when you are doing what you were truly meant to do is a common experience. You can live in freedom instead of fear, you can embrace the abundance instead of clinging to lack.

If you are reading this right now and thinking that I'm pointing my finger specifically at you, let me assure you that I am not writing this directed at any one person. The number of people who live in this place of lack that I am writing about, who cling to fear and feel that they have to teach their children to live from a place of lack is, unfortunately, huge. If you are reading this and feeling defensive or uncomfortable or angry then I probably am writing about you, I just didn't have you in mind at the time. Do you really want to raise your children from a place of lack?

Being raised with lack can lead to eating disorders, health issues, compulsive buying, seeking out unhealthy relationships, and addiction, just for starters. Growing up feeling that there is not enough of something can lead to trying to get more of it in the future: control, love, material possessions, food.

Being raised knowing that your needs will be met, that who you are and what you want in life will be respected, that your parents are on your side, have got your back, and are committed to enjoying the adventures along side of you leads to children who grow up feeling secure, confident, capable and understood. These children know how to get their needs met in healthy ways. They also know that everyone has needs and if we all pull together and get creative everyone's needs can be met.

If you are feeling the lack in your life it is time to get creative! Instead of saying "I can't" say "let's figure out how to make this happen." Instead of assuming you can't have the life you want, start looking for all the small ways you can begin to move in that direction. Instead of clinging to fear figure out what makes you feel empowered and start making a difference in ways that matter in your life.

And don't even think about saying "That's easy for you to say because your life is different from mine and I don't have...." Everyone has their challenges. If you come to challenges from a place of lack it is likely you'll feel trapped and defeated. If you come to challenges from a place of "Yes!" the challenge becomes an opportunity for creative problem solving. It becomes a challenge like a sudoku puzzle. The more you work on the puzzles the easier it becomes for your mind to see the paths and patterns that lead to solutions. I am raising my children to be puzzle solvers, capable of getting their needs met and finding solutions to the challenges in life.

Personal Lack

2010-07-29T11:50:00.000-07:00

Conflict creeps into our home when we coming from a place of lack. When my children feel that they aren't getting something they need, or that there will not be enough of something, or they don't trust that their needs can be met because of past experience or because the thing they need feels bigger than what they think they can reasonably request, the feeling of lack affects their ability to stay calm or react reasonably or share or be patient. Knowing this I have been focusing on filling their cups to over flowing. I say yes, try to anticipate needs so that I am better able or available to meet them, and support their passions even when neither of us have a clue where following that passion may lead. This takes a concerted effort on my part because there are still patterns in our relationships that were formed in less positive parental moments. Actually, they were formed in less than positive parental years. It takes more effort because we are still working to recreate trust and respect and connection. However, as we get away from those out dated patterns and move farther into the life of a family where everyone's needs get met, the hours of peace and harmony, and crazy silliness, expand. I know that it is absolutely worth pushing through in those moments when I am feeling like it's too hard or too much or I want to say "no" just because it would be easier in that moment. Every "yes" builds trust, every "yes" moves us forward into the life that we have chosen to live. Every "no" is two steps back. It is vital to the life we want to live that I continue to meet the needs of my family so that everyone feels that their cup is full and their needs will be met and they are loved unconditionally. But there's more to it than that, I need to meet their needs with joy in my heart. If I don't want to meet their needs but do it anyway they know. If I grumble about preparing a snack, if I complain about getting up from the computer to give attention to my children, if I snap when they all want to go to the grocery store with me, that is not meeting their needs. Truly meeting their needs involves a certain amount of grace. For me, meeting their needs with a cheerful smile often takes a huge amount of grace.

The truth is that while I've been mulling over lack and its presence in our family, I have come to realize that I am the root of all lack. I am the originator of the feelings of lack in our family. And while I have at times been accused of having an over developed sense of responsibility (we'll get into that some other day) I don't think that is the case here. Deep down I do not believe that my needs can be met. Here I am saying to my children, "Everyone's needs can be met. We will figure this out so that everyone's needs will be met." and I don't believe it for myself. How can they possibly trust that it is true in their own life if it is not true in mine?

As a child I was taught about joy, but we were actually taught about "JOY" which stood for Jesus, Others, You. Put Jesus first, put Others second, put Yourself last and you will have joy. As a middle child who wanted to keep the peace, make everyone happy, meet the needs of her friends and family, I was primed to internalize this message. I don't know if anyone else in my family remembers this, but it is still echoing in my brain 16 years after I stopped believing that Jesus was a real person in history. My needs were not important. I internalized this before I could talk, it was reinforced throughout my life, and here I am, as an adult, trying to prove it isn't true. Constantly meeting everyone else's needs did not bring me joy as a child, and yet I'm trying to joyfully meet the needs of my children as an adult.

I grew up, got married, moved across the country, got divorced and finally started living life according to my needs. For a little over a year I lived my life my way. For one year my needs were all that mattered. That ended when I became pregnant. Fast forward 4 years and two more babies and you'll find me living in 900 square feet with no yard, no garage, a car that left for work every day with my husband, and no friends or family close enough to help. My needs were not only unmet, I stopped admitting they existed. It didn't seem that there was a way for my needs to be met so I gave up trying. My needs weren't important. My children and husband had needs that were important, but even then, I was so depleted that I could not meet their needs adequately and we all learned to live a life of lack. I tried to show them that their needs were important, but I also taught them that they could not trust that their needs would be met. If their needs were met, chances were they would be met while I cursed and grumbled.

This is the past that we are healing from. This is the reason that while other adults may say that my children are "old enough to do things for themselves" they still need me to get them snacks and bring them water. They need to have their simple needs met, they need to know that they can ask and I'll say "yes." We have to repeat that over and over and over so that they relearn that their needs are important and they trust that their needs can and will be met. However, I'm still healing, too. My needs continue to go unmet. I did not learn as a child how to get my needs met. I did not learn to express my needs. Often I can't even identify my needs. For me the patterns of the past are over 40 years old and I do not have anyone else in my life now who is consistently able to say "yes" to my needs. I have to be that person for myself. I have to say "Yes!" to my own needs. Many days my creative solutions fall short and I do not trust that my needs are important and can be met. Sometimes, for a moment, for an hour, I truly believe that everyone's needs can be met, even mine. Now I am trying to cheerfully meet the needs of my children when the behavior of putting the needs of others first caused scars of my past. It comes down to being authentic. As a child I would behave to please other people because it made them happy, because it met their needs. As an adult I can choose to meet the needs of my children because it makes me happy, because it is my gift to them and in choosing to give that gift I am free from obligation, expectation, freed from the patterns of the past. It is my choice. It is authentic to who I am and who I want to be. In that sense, it meets my needs and theirs. Our needs are being met. From that small place I begin to let go of my feelings of lack. I say "yes" to their needs, I say "yes" to who I want to be. Yes, this is the life we choose.

Lack

2010-07-27T16:21:00.000-07:00

One of the challenges that comes with making changes in your parenting behaviors, manifesting changes in your parenting philosophy in your relationship with your children, is that both of you have ingrained responses or patterns that are firmly rooted in the history of your relationship. There is a decided lack of trust on the child's part, in the parent's ability to behave in a different way, based on their experiences with that parent in similar situations. And, while we cannot and should not expect our children to simply take us at our word that we are trying to change, or have changed, and that we will be more respectful and worthy of their trust in the future, it makes it that much more challenging to change our behaviors when the behavior of our children mirrors the interactions of our past.

As we are embracing this life of saying "yes" and meeting everyone's needs, as we are learning to live without external controls on food and sleep and behavior, as we are all exploring our passions and reconnecting with who we are instead of who we were told we should be, time and time again we get snagged on the old feelings of lack.

I find "lack" to be an awkward word. It feels rather rude or abrupt when you say it, it feels like it needs a prefix or suffix to make it complete. Perhaps that's as it should be because when someone is coming from a place of lack they feel that they need something to be complete and their interactions are often abrupt or awkward.

The feeling of lack speaks of not trusting that there will be enough ice cream for everyone, that the needs of someone else are going to be made more important, that we will never truly get what we want and that the empty place inside of us will grow larger instead of being filled up with love and comfort and understanding.

Many of us have grown up stuffing our feelings of lack, trying to self sooth in less than healthy ways. Food, alcohol, or drugs may have dulled the pain of our feelings, but they did not fill the needs we had that were unmet, unrecognized, or discounted and dismissed in our childhood. Self-mutilation, recreating unhealthy relationships, or anorexia may have given us some sense of control over the pain, but the lack lived on in our lives.

Food is an easy example of the power of lack. When we control the food that our children eat we give greater value to the foods we withhold. If we say, "You can only have one cookie," we have just given the cookie greater value than the green beans we pile on their plate. In our house we have lifted all controls on food. If you have had strict controls on food you can expect that your children will react to that as soon as the strict controls are lifted. We have found that our children still approach food from a place of lack as soon as they suspect that there might be a limited quantity of any particular food item. For example, our girls love microwaveable Asian soup bowls from Trader Joe's. When we first started buying them there was a great deal of concern about who had eaten how many and how many were still in the pantry. When I assured the girls that there were plenty and we could always go to the store to buy more they did not instantly trust that this was true. They were still responding from a place of lack. When I started buying huge numbers of soup bowls at a time this helped some. However, what has helped the most is months and months of making sure that we always buy soup bowls so that they girls can build up the trust required to let go of their feels of lack.

We have been working on reestablishing the trust and letting go of lack for over a year now. In some areas we have made huge leaps and in others we are still running into conflict that is rooted in years of lack.

Lack is listed as a verb and a noun on the Merriam-Webster online Dictionary. As a verb it means to be deficient or missing, or to have need of something. The definitions that really spoke to me were the ones given for the noun "lack" in the thesaurus at the same website: "the fact or state of being absent", "a falling short of an essential or desirable amount" or " a state of being without something necessary, desirable, or useful."

Synonyms: absence, dearth, want
Related Words: deficiency, deficit, inadequacy, insufficiency, meagerness, paucity, poverty, scantiness, scarceness, scarcity, shortage, skimpiness; deprivation, loss, necessity, need, needfulness, omission; privation; vacuum, void

When I look at the definitions and synonyms I realize why the feeling of lack is so destructive in our relationships with our children and in our own lives. The words leave me feeling empty, bleak, and distressed.

However, the antonyms take care of those unhappy feelings in a heart beat!

Antonyms: presence
Near Antonyms: abundance, amplitude, bounty, plenitude, plenty, wealth; adequacy, sufficiency; excess, overabundance, oversupply, surfeit, surplus; deluge, flood; heap, mountain, peck, pile, pot, quantity, raft, stack, volume, wad; fund, pool, stock, supply; hoard, stockpile

When parents talk about children with "challenging behaviors" or "behavior issues" they are talking about the child's response to a lack in his or her life. When children lack something: food, love, attention, security, acceptance of who they are, sleep, down time, stimulation, they do whatever they can to fill the lack. When you see a child "misbehaving" remind yourself that this child is coming from a place of lack, and try to figure out what it is that the child needs. Simply stopping the behavior does not mean that the child's lack has been filled. Neglecting to meet that child's need and requiring the child to stop the "misbehavior" because it is bothersome to an adult creates an even greater lack in the child. The only way to get rid of lack is to create presence, to meet the need, to support the child.

Our children need our presence, not our absence. They thrive when their cups are filled to over flowing with our love and attention. They feel secure when they know that there is plenty to go around. And the more they live in a place of abundance the easier it will be for them to trust when we have a grumpy day or the path of life gets a bit rocky. As we eradicate lack, through our presence in trusting and respectful relationships with our children, we free up the energy that was spent grasping for what was lacking so that it can be redirected to joyfully exploring life together as a family.

I'm That Mom...

2010-07-26T16:32:00.000-07:00

Here's my contribution to an impromptu blog carnival via Ronnie Sundance Maier based on a post by Flo Gascon http://sumbthucker.tumblr.com/post/850235773/im-that-mom

I'm that mom, the one who is driving the little charcoal gray Saturn w/ the windows down (the air conditioning no longer works). The license plate holders are pretend barbed wire (a Father's Day gift to my husband) and the bumper stickers read "RU," "Ryan Montbleau Band" and "My unschooler will rescue your honor student from the zombies." Riding in the car with me are four girls between the ages of 9 and 13.75. Our hair colors include teal ends (mine), pink ends, shades of dark blue, flame red w/ bleached bangs, and naturally red (the child who isn't mine.) We are all singing along, loudly, to "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga, it's the Glee version. It's a beautiful Monday morning in July and we are headed to pick blueberries.

You won't know until you try....

2010-07-22T18:33:00.000-07:00

Some children are natural born risk takers. They seem to start climbing before they crawl, they have no fear of heights, they are happiest when they are pushing themselves to the limit and trying something new. Some children are more conservative by nature. They like to watch before they join in, they are happiest when they are in their comfort zone, they seem to have been born aware of what is "safe" and are quite content staying inside that boundary. Of course most children are a combination of the two: no fear of soccer balls flying at their heads when they play goalie, but unable to sleep alone in a dark room; happy to climb to the top of the tree, but terrified of water; the first one to hold a snake, but reduced to tears when a dog is in the room.

As parents we support our children's interests, provide them with new experiences, and expose them to the broadest possible slice of the world. We need to know our child so that we can take into consideration their comfort level in different situations or when experiencing something new. We also need to respect their decisions regarding their level of involvement in each situation or willingness to try something new.

Have you ever pushed your child to try something? "You won't know until you try." "You'll feel so good about yourself once you've done this." Have you crossed the line from support and encouragement to threatening and demanding? "We are not going home until you...." Or manipulating and bribing, "I'll buy you ice cream if you..."

I have given this a lot of thought because I am not a risk taker. I do not enjoy heights, steep slopes, going fast, feeling out of control, or slimy foods. In my life I have done a lot of things while trying to hold back the tears or hide the panic I was feeling inside. Many times I have done things because I didn't feel that saying "no" was an option. Upon reflection I've realized that doing things others pushed me to do because it would supposedly make me feel proud of myself, or more capable or successful, did not leave me with those feelings. In fact, I was left feeling manipulated, angry at myself, hurt, sad and alone. Not one of the things I did because someone pushed me had a lasting positive impact upon my life. Learning to quiet my own inner wisdom that was telling me what to do, or not do, and listen to someone else's louder, stronger, more powerful voice has not serve me well as as an adult, in relationships or in the workplace.

I am not less of a person because I will happily wait by the stream while you scale the steep climb to the top of the mountain. My life is not any less wonderful because I choose cross country skiing over downhill. My diet is not less fulfilling because I choose to be a vegetarian while you eat oysters and lobster. My appreciation and affection for horses is not inferior because I prefer grooming them to riding. Listening to my inner wisdom I am guided to things that I enjoy. Following my own path leads me deeper in my understanding of who I am and where my passions lie. And I will not be missing out if I never sky dive, bungee jump or eat fugu (puffer fish.)

As parents we need to respect our children's comfort zones. We need to support them when they want to take a risk or try something new. This involves following their lead, letting them tell us how far they want to go and what kind of assistance they want. We can provide them with safe environments to test their limits without ever pushing for them to go farther and do more. Trust your child. When they say that something is too hard, too high or too uncomfortable respect that. If they are willing, discuss with them why they want to stop. Provide them with options for making things safe or more comfortable. Give them empowering information. But do not push them, do not try to coax or manipulate your child. Ask yourself why it is important to you that your child does something. Give your child the freedom to listen to their inner wisdom, to follow their own path, to become the person they are. If they really want to do something they will. If they do it on their own terms, in their own way, at their own pace they will feel capable and strong and successful.

The other side of Trust

2010-07-20T09:59:00.000-07:00

Two months ago I wrote about trust from the perspective of parents trusting their children. There is another side of trust: children trusting their parents. If you feel like it's hard to trust your children think about what it's like to be a child. Children are completely dependent on the adults in their life. If your child doesn't trust you they don't have the option of grounding you or punishing you or creating consequences for your behavior. It's daunting to think of all the different areas of life, all the little things, all the possible ways that we can betray our child's trust. And if we screw that up it will affect our child's relationships for a long time, possibly for the rest of their life. Are you worthy of your child's trust?

The development of trust starts at birth. Do the adults turn down the lights for the new born's sensitive eyes? Is this new person nursed when she's hungry, changed when she's wet, burped when she's uncomfortable, and given skin to skin cuddles where she can listen to that familiar heart beat that kept her company for all those months in the womb? The infant learns to trust when her needs are consistently and lovingly met. That doesn't change. Children learn to trust when their needs are consistently and lovingly met. If you respect your children and take their needs seriously you will be worthy of their trust.

You can have a good relationship with your children, you can feel fine about how your family interacts, you can feel great about yourself as a parent and still not really have the trust of your child. Even parents who would say they are people of integrity, honest, righteous and trustworthy fail to treat their children with respect. Parents regularly use bribes, rewards, punishment, and other forms of control to manipulate the behavior of their children, instead of building a strong relationship of free flowing trust. Children have a hard time trusting parents when they have no confidence in the parent's ability to let go of their need for control or being the one with the power.

Your child should be able to trust you, period. They should know that you have their back, you unconditionally love them, you will take them seriously, and you will do everything in your power to support them in following their passions.

Your children should be able to trust you to:
Make them your priority, nothing is more important than your relationship with your child.
Be willing to discuss your reasons for a request.
Be willing to take "no" for an answer.
Be accepting of who they are.
Accept that they may or may not like foods based on flavor, texture or how they feel that day.
Pick them up and drop them off on time.
Take their friendships and romantic relationships seriously.
Tell them the truth.
Cuddle them when they are hurt or scared, no matter what the time of day or night
Be right there for them when they need you.
Give them space when they need time alone.
Help them find answers.
Listen and really hear what they are saying.

They need to be able to trust you to:
Never say, "I told you so."
Never laugh at their expense.
Never tease them about their body, their speech, accidents, behaviors, or anything else.
Never say, "Because I said so, that's why."
Never forget that you invited them into your life, it was your choice, not theirs.
Never hurt them physically.
Never try to control who they are or try to make them more like the person you expected them to be.
Never set them up for failure or make things extra hard to "teach them a lesson."
Never lie to them.

And when you are having a bad day, when you respond harshly, when you say "no" and then realize that you had no reason not to say "Yes!" your children need to be able to trust you to own your behavior. They need to know that you will apologize, make it right if you can, and that you will continue to try and get your own needs met in different ways so that you can better meet the needs of your children.

I have not always been worthy of my children's trust. For far too many years my patience was worn thin and my frustration level was high, and I did not find the resources I needed to parent from a better place. I parented reactively, falling back on ingrained parenting methods. I would avoid supporting my children's interests when it pushed me out of my comfort zone. I would say they had to do things that I could have easily done for them as a gift to make their day a little easier, brighter, more fun. I said "no" as my default answer. I yelled and made my children cry. Here is what I know: it's not too late to for trust. However, it is harder to re-establish trust with a 10 year old who spent years as the focus of my frustration than with a newborn who instinctively turns to a warm breast to suckle.

It takes time and patience (with myself) as old patterns are gradually erased and new patterns are established. It takes unwavering commitment to putting my relationship with my children first. It takes finding new resources, learning new ways, meeting new people, pushing myself past my comfort zone and embracing different perspectives. My children do not always trust that everyone's needs will be met. That is because their needs haven not always been met. My children do trust that I am trying. They know the kind of parent that I want to be and they are patient with me when I fail. They know that I trust them. They know that I respect them as people and that I am trying to making sure everyone's needs are met. Trust does not stand alone, its foundation is in our relationship. We don't try to build trust, we nurture the relationship.

Be Trust Worthy

2010-07-16T14:14:00.000-07:00

While writing a nice little blog post about trust going two ways, about how parents need to trust their children and children have to trust their parents, I got derailed. My mind kept going back to the children who have had their trust betrayed. Children who have been deeply hurt by the people who were supposed to love and protect and encourage and support them. Children who were completely dependent on the people who abused that dependency in horrible ways.

No matter who you are or what your relationship is to children in this world, Be Trust Worthy. Be worthy of the trust of children. The children of this world desperately need adults who treat them with respect, who see them as people, who listen to their words, and take their hopes and dreams and fears and view of life seriously. Children need adults who will bear witness to their lives and validate their experiences.

This applies not only to parents but to every adult. If you aren't a parent you have the opportunity to be a respectful adult in the lives of the children you know. This includes the teens who are stereotyped and dis-empowered and subjected to disparaging remarks, often after having already survived childhood years that were anything but idyllic.

Most people parent as they were parented. The patterns of how we will parent start forming from the minute we are born, the way our parents met our needs or did not meet our need. The way our parents responded to our crying, comforted our fears, valued our interests, respected our food preferences, expressed their absolute unconditional love for us or Did Not, affect how we interact with our children. Some people seem to be born with a temperament that softens their interactions with children and helps them leave the parenting patterns of their past behind quite easily. For some it feels like a constant struggle to be the parent they want to be instead of the parent they were raised to be. Some people never realize there's a different way to parent and some can not admit that the way they were raised was hurtful because then they would have to admit how deeply they themselves were hurt.

Some children are trapped in their family's long history of abuse and hurt and shame. These children have no reason to trust anyone, no foundation of trust. These children need respectful, trustworthy adults in their world. The concept of Namaste may help us be mindful of how we should greet all the children we meet. Namaste means I bow to you, or the light in me sees the light in you. We need to let children know that we see them, that we recognize that they are people, too. In passing we can greet them with a smile that tells them we do see their light. If we see them regularly we can build a relationship that lets them know that there are adults in the world who see children as equally important as adults, who will validate their experiences and honor who they are as a person.

Be trustworthy. Do not let the children in your life down. If you say you will be somewhere, be there. If they want to share something with you give them your full attention. Love them simply because they are alive, not because they deserve it or have earned in through some behavior. Accept them for who they are and not because they have conformed to some ideal you have of who they should be. If for some reason you do not have the ability to be the adult they need in their life at that moment be honest about that. Find resources for yourself so that you can better meet their needs and find resources for them so that their needs can be met. If you do let a child down, don't make excuses. Be honest, be respectful, and apologize.

When we raise our children with trust that goes both ways, we trust them and they trust us, an amazing relationship is possible. When we raise our children with a foundation of trust they grow up to be trustworthy adults. Our children will become aware of the broken trust around them. They will recognize that while all children are worthy of respect and trust, not all adults are respectful and trust worthy. Our children need to know that we will be respectful of all children, creating a relationship of trust with every child that comes into our life to the fullest extent possible. We need to be adults that children can trust. We need to model that for the parents who had hurtful childhoods that they are recreating in the lives of their own children. We need to examine every interaction we have with children and make sure that we are coming from a place of integrity, respect and compassion. For children who have grown up in a family where they cannot trust the adults closest to them every interaction with an adult who is worthy of their trust matters. If ever there was a reason to live mindfully, this is reason enough for me: we must be mindful in every interaction with every child to be absolutely worthy of their trust. Parenting patterns can be changed, cycles of hurt can be stopped, we can make a difference in the life of a hurting child one moment of trust at a time. Be worthy.

The Parental Practice

2010-07-12T19:03:00.000-07:00

The struggles of parenting are mentioned in conversations, facebook posts, and books about parenting. People use words like challenging, hard work, exhausting, demanding, frustrating. The implication is that having children creates the struggles of parenthood and in turn, that the children are responsible.

If you are a parent, almost without exception, your choices brought that child (or children) into your life. Your child didn't choose to move into your house, have lots of needs, go through developmental stages and end up as an adult. Just like you chose to be a parent, and it is your choice to make parenting a struggle. The struggles of parenting only exist inside of your mind. That is to say, the struggles of parenting are a mind state. Pebbles making ripples on the surface of the pond. Clouds that cover up the radiance of your relationship with your child. Mental crap that takes the joy out of your family's life together. Your mind, your choice, not your child's fault.

I struggle with my mind state. When I find myself feeling in conflict with my children, or struggling with my role as a parent, it can be traced to my clinging to something from my past, or my inability to embrace what is in the present, or my fears about the future. My children are not causing the conflict, my children are not causing the struggle. My children are being authentic, doing the best they can to get their needs met with the resources and abilities they have in that moment. It was my choice to be their parent, it is my choice to be the person who supports them in getting their needs met.

As a parent my desire is to joyfully meet the needs of my children. I want to be present for them in such a way that they feel free to express themselves fully, to process their experiences without feeling judged or criticized, so that they feel respected and loved as they are. Some times my mind state gets in the way.

Here's an example: My daughter has an itchy back. This happens a lot. I'm crocheting, or cooking, or washing dishes, and she walks up and says, "My back itches." Well, what she's really saying is, "Please scratch my back." I know what she's really saying but I can get hung up on how she's saying it. I find myself asking, "Are you asking me to scratch your back?" Then I feel annoyed that I'm stopping what I'm doing to scratch her back. I find myself increasingly grumpy as I am instructed to scratch higher and lower and to one side or the other. My mind state is not matching my desire to joyfully meet the needs of my daughter.

It could have gone like this instead: My daughter has an itchy back. "My back itches." I stop what I'm doing and smile and focus on my daughter's needs. I ask "Where would you like me to scratch?" and make sure that I scratch under her shirt because I already know that's what she prefers. I can use the time to connect with my daughter, embracing the moment and the comfort my daughter feels when having her back scratched.

It usually takes less time to meet my daughter's needs by following the second pattern. That's because she's really wanting attention as much as she's wanting her back scratched and when I'm feeling grumpy I'm not meeting that need for attention. When I focus on cheerfully meeting my daughter's needs, it also leaves both of us feeling connected and at peace. The difference between the two ways of responding is all in my mind.

There's a kind of parental enlightenment that we can attain. It is easier for some people than for others, but for most of us it does take practice. When we reach this state of parental enlightenment our day to day life may be the same (though it will probably feel easier and may actually be easier) but our attitude changes. We still spend our days meeting our children's needs, making food, cleaning up messes. The difference is that we now do these same things from a place of joy, as a gift to our children, instead of from a place of resentment and frustration.

As parents who are cultivating parental enlightenment in our lives and in our minds, we need to recognize that this is a practice. When we find ourselves struggling with a negative mind state, grumpy, annoyed, without patience or reactive in some way, we need to figure out how to support ourselves so that we can support our children. Part of the practice is focusing on how we can make sure our needs are met so that we can more joyfully meet the needs of our children. What little things can we do to brighten our own day? What methods work best to help us calm our mind? Who can we turn to when we don't feel like we can get out of a negative mental pattern on our own?

This does not mean that we have to be happy all the time and that nothing bad ever happens in our life. When there are challenges in our lives we can be honest with our children about how we are feeling and why. This means that we say, "I didn't get a lot of sleep last night and I'm feeling a little grumpy right now. I'm going to take a short nap and see if that helps me feel better." or "I'm feeling sad for my friend who is sick." or "Daddy had a frustrating day at work and is feeling the need for a little quiet time before he plays on the computer with you tonight." If we are struggling for a reason we can let our child know. If we are out of sorts and we don't know why we can tell them that, too. By acknowledging what's going on in our life, and how it is affecting us, we show our children that it's normal to feel a variety of different emotions. We also show our children that in our family it is safe to talk about how we feel and to get our needs met. This helps us as parents focus on identifying what is really bothering us so that we are less likely to lash out at our children or treat them in ways that may make them feel that our bad mood or sadness or frustration is their fault.

As parents we can continually look for ways to joyfully meet the needs of our children. We can accept the past, embrace the now, and let go of our fears about the future. Parenting doesn't have to be a struggle. We have a choice.

"Whoever would live well,
Long lasting, bringing bliss-
Let him be generous, be calm
And cultivate the doing of good.
By practicing these three...
The wise one lives without regret
His world infused with happiness."
Buddha
(from "The Chocolate Cake Sutra: Ingredients for a Sweet Life" by Geri Larkin)

Saying "Yes"

2010-07-11T18:29:00.000-07:00

"Don't say no. Always say yes. Or some form of yes. See your role as helping her get what she needs rather than negotiating for what's most convenient for you."
Joyce Fetteroll

What does it look like when we say "yes" to our children?

My youngest daughter wanted a playhouse. Finances are limited and our yard is more hill than flat. She also doesn't like bugs, particularly spiders and things that fly and sting. She's nine and a half years old, so her interest in a playhouse may quickly be outgrown. She tried building a playhouse out of cardboard, but it just wasn't what she wanted. She figured out that what would really work was a real playhouse, in her bedroom.

We talked about different options and we decided to try and find a playhouse that someone else was giving away or perhaps we could find one at a second hand store. Once you start saying yes it can be amazing how things work out. (Perhaps not always, but a really awe inspiring number of times!)

We had friends who had a playhouse that they were considering replacing with a swing. I asked if it was available. My daughter followed up with an e-mail. Less than a week later they delivered it to our house! My daughter's room tends to be a bit chaotic because it's the preferred creative play space in our home. My husband, Jess, and I tag teamed cleaning out the room, w/ our daughter helping her dad for about a 1/2 hour of the process. It was a warm day, we don't have air conditioning, and her room is upstairs. I sorted and recycled and got rid of garbage. I vacuumed.

The girls squealed with delight and danced around the empty room. My daughter gave me a huge hug of appreciation for all the work I did to get her room ready.

Our family worked together to carry the pieces of the house upstairs. Jess screwed the pieces together. I dug out some fake ivy vines and flowers. Jess and I decorated the outside w/ greenery while our daughter started fixing up the inside. We decided it needed lighting, so I got the box of holiday lights out of the attic. The sisters joined in the fun of putting woodland creatures (stuffed animals) in and around the house. We found flower fairies we made years ago to tuck into the flowers and vines. We put a small table and chairs on the "back patio" that has a view of the flower fairy mural on the wall. Upon request I found a tablecloth. The end result was named "The Cottage in the Woods." It's really charming. 11:30 last night I was asked to make toast and iced tea for a tea party at The Cottage in the Woods. After tea was served I headed to bed.

The girls have already spent hours playing in and around The Cottage.

That is what happens when we say "yes." We take our child's desires seriously. We get creative with them to support them in meeting their needs. We do our part to fill in the gaps that they may not be ready or able to handle, in this case clearing out a messy room and putting together the house. We enjoy the process with them, but we don't take ownership.

As parents we can discount our child's desires without giving them much thought. "You don't need a playhouse." "Playhouses belong outside, having one in your bedroom will take up too much space." "We don't have the money to get a playhouse."

As parents we also often forget to listen to what our children want. If we had gotten a playhouse but insisted on putting it in the backyard, spiders would have moved in quite quickly. We would then be tempted to say, "We got you a playhouse like you wanted, but you never play in it!" My daughter had already thought this through and had come up with a solution that met her needs. We just needed to stop and listen.

As parents we tend to put up roadblocks or barriers. "You can have a playhouse but I'm not putting it together for you until you have completely cleaned your room." We can easily create frustration and tears and power struggles. This can last for days and create a lot of unhappiness in a house. In some cases it might even result in the playhouse sitting outside in pieces so long that our child has lost interest. On the other hand, we can choose to clean the room with whatever help our child feels able to provide. When I clean up a child's room because I love them, and I know they prefer to have a tidy space, their appreciation for my work on their behalf is so sweet and real and wonderful. If you've never felt that from your kids, you are really missing out!

When we say "yes" to our children we empower them to follow their passions. They know we are there to support them and that we are willing to express our love for them in actions, not just words. When we say "yes" to our children and support them unconditionally we find that our children are then increasingly able to say "yes" and to support us when we are following our passions, too.

This is what it looks like when we say "yes" to our children:

Fears - yours, not theirs

2010-07-07T21:28:00.000-07:00

What am I afraid of?

I was one question into writing this when I got a text from my 13 year old daughter. She and her 10 year old sister were going to hang out at a park in Portland with some other teens, then go to a friend's house, and some time later in the evening my husband would pick them up again. My response? "O.K. try to avoid sunburns and drink enough fluids. :) I Love You!" What would your response have been?

What are you afraid of?

When it comes to our children, often our fears are based on something that might happen in the future. The future that is so far away we have no idea what it will look like, a future that is ultimately beyond our control. Our fears are based on something that might happen in our children's future, did you notice, it's not your future.

Many parents today parent from a place of fear. The decisions they make about how to parent are based on fears about possible negative outcomes. If I don't do make my child do chores, go to bed on time, and say please and thank you then my child may not grow up to be a socially acceptable, responsible adult." or "If my child doesn't do their homework, get good grades and play a team sport they may not be able to get a good job when they grow up."

Parents control their children in the belief that if they hold onto their kids tightly enough the things they fear the most won't happen. Parents try to protect their children from certain influences while trying to expose them to others. Parents try to make their children behave, teach them lessons, and prepare them for the realities of life.

I'm going to share a truth with you. If it makes you uncomfortable, upset, or defensive, take a moment to ask yourself "What am I afraid of?"

Parenting the conventional way, with rules, punishment, rewards, bribes, chores, bedtimes, getting to school on time and completing homework, playing team sports and taking piano lessons, going to church and singing in the choir does not guarantee anything except that your child will have been parented more or less like the majority of the children they know.

In fact, parenting with all of the above may actually guarantee that your children are more likely to struggle in many different ways through out their life than children who are parented unconditionally with respect and freedom, who don't go to school, and who are supported in following their natural patterns of learning and exploring their interests and passions.

Are you mentally justifying the way you are raising your children? If you're saying "My child is doing fine," or "But you don't know me and my life is complicated," let me assure you that parents of all income levels, married, single, gay, straight, religious and atheist parent their children unconditionally , respectfully, and without requiring their children to go school. They have gotten creative, been brave, stopped making excuses and made a commitment to respecting the person their child is.

What are you afraid of?

Are you afraid that you can't handle having your children home all the time? Are you afraid that people will think you've totally gone off the deep end if you take your kids out of school? Are you afraid you'll be judged if you leave your child in the school system? Everyone has to make the choices that are right for their family. Those choices may look differently in each family and even in the same family during different periods of their life. The most important choice is to listen to your children, be involved in their lives, respect them as people, support them and hear what they are telling you is the best fit for who they are. Working together you can figure out how to meet everyone's needs.

To find out more about how children learn and how school affects children visit Peter Gray's blog, it's a great place to start:

If you are interested in unconditional parenting and how rewards and punishment affect children, visit Alfie Kohn's site and check some of his books out of the library:

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself" Franklin D. Roosevelt

Fear is the parent of cruelty.
- James A. Froude

Nirvana

2010-07-04T13:53:00.000-07:00

A Buddhist will tell you that your attachments cause you suffering. What I've recently realized is that, if you are a parent, there's a good chance that your attachments are causing your children suffering, too. Attachments come in many different forms. We may be attached to relationships, ideals, material possessions, particular outcomes, delusions - anything we cling to mentally, physically or emotionally.

Nothing is more important to me than my relationship with my children. This includes my attachments.

In Buddhism, Nirvana is the mental state reached when someone releases their attachments and is free from suffering.

"Someone who reaches nirvana does not immediately disappear to a heavenly realm. Nirvana is better understood as a state of mind that humans can reach. It is a state of profound spiritual joy, without negative emotions and fears.

Someone who has attained enlightenment is filled with compassion for all living things."

This quote spoke to me because it reflects the kind of relationship that I want to have with my children. If we parent from a place of compassion, without negative emotions and fears, we can live a life of profound joy with our children.

Sometimes our attachments are obvious, such as wanting our children to look a certain way when we go out in public: brushed hair, clean clothes, clothes that match, hair that is its natural color, socks and shoes.

We may be attached to what our society says is right or good or necessary for our children: going to school, good grades, high test scores, saying please and thank you, extra curricular activities, lessons, chores, what to eat and when it should be eaten.

We may also be attached to expected responses when we do something for our child: gratitude, appreciation, happiness, joy.

We plan an outing that we think our child will enjoy. We tell them about the outing and they say they don't want to go. We get upset. Why? We had expectations, we took the time to plan the outing, we were wrapped up in our anticipation of enjoying the outing with our child, we are hurt that they aren't excited about our plan. We were attached to the idea of the outing and the expected response of the child. If we can let go of that attachment and find a place of compassion we can respond to our child in a positive way. Is our child not feeling well? Is there something about the outing that is scary to the child? Is there something the child was hoping to do instead? Is the child feeling like some down time instead of a big adventure?

What are you holding onto that is causing your child suffering? What attachments are getting in the way of a compassionate relationship with your child?

Nothing is more important than my relationship with my children. If I have an attachment that is causing suffering in my relationship with my children than I need to let go of that attachment. If there is tension or conflict in my relationship with my children I need to examine what I'm holding onto. Releasing my attachments releases that tension. Suffering ends and peace is found.

Living in Nirvana with our children, how cool is that?
Just don't get too attached to the idea....

UnParenting

2010-07-02T23:34:00.000-07:00

As a parent I try to be involved in my children's lives in such a way that we are experiencing and exploring life together. I am available to help them get their needs met. I also do my best to meet their needs without being asked because we have spent their entire lives together and I know quite a bit about what they like and dislike, and how they will most likely react to certain situations or environments. I also respect their desire for independence and the fact that they are not static beings. I do my best not to take it personally when my efforts to meet their needs are rejected or fail to fit what they actually need in any given moment. If they don't need or want my help that's really okay with me, but I'm here if they do.

Some parents give their children freedom but fail to be present in their lives. They let their children do whatever they want without any support or resources. In some circles this is referred to as unparenting. At its most extreme it can be a form of neglect.

Unparenting also takes the form of parents failing to provide their children with information or guidance regarding what is appropriate in a given situation. The child is happily running in circles through a room for several minutes and then the parent yells at them and tells them to sit down and be quiet or leave the room. The child reaches for the last cookie on the platter only to have her hand slapped or the plate jerked out of reach. The child goes on an outing and doesn't have appropriate shoes or a jacket and gets scolded for not being prepared. What ever the situation, the child has been innocently doing something, happily engaged, or oblivious to something that others are aware of, and out of the blue they find themselves being yelled at, punished, scolded or shamed. Many times the parent was absorbed in some other activity or conversation and was ignoring their child up until the moment they noticed the child's behavior. They then notice that the child is "misbehaving" and in an instant the parent's negative attention is focused upon the child. To the child this can be scary, confusing, or just plain unfair.

A crucial part of parenting is providing our children with information so that they know what is appropriate or expected in a given situation. As parents we also need to be aware of our children's limits and abilities so that we can help them avoid or navigate situations that may be challenging for them in any way. Having a relationship based on trust and respect, along with having a history of providing our children with accurate factual information, makes it possible for our children to remain open and receptive to information that we provide. This process begins at a very young age. We help our children understand why we are quiet in a library or we wait for our turn to go down the slide. The more we can provide information about they "why" and help our children be prepared before they go into a new situation the easier the experience will be for both parent and child. If we manage to stay connected with our children we will be less likely to look up and react harshly or negatively when a calm and supportive response would better help our child. If we stay with our child we can provide them with information relating to our experience, "The stairs are a bit slippery here so I'm going to hold onto the railing. Would you like to hold my hand or hold onto the railing, too?" We can also help them understand expectations relating to specific public places, "It's polite to be quiet in the library because people are reading or trying to concentrate and loud noises might be distracting." And we have the opportunity to share with them why there are laws and rules about certain behaviors, "There are rules about not picking flowers in this park. We aren't allowed to pick flowers because if everyone who came here picked flowers there wouldn't be anymore flowers for other people to enjoy."

When we become a resource for accurate information our children are able to turn to us for cues as to what might be an appropriate behavior in a new situation. When we are involved in our children's lives we have a better idea of what situations are appropriate for our children and how we can support them so they can enjoy a new experience. When we remain connected with our children in any situation we are aware of what is going on with and around our children which enables us to offer positive support or information as it is needed. When we make our relationship with our children the most important priority in our life we get to have more fun as we explore the world together.

Supporting Our Children's Passions

2010-07-02T00:34:00.000-07:00

I have made a commitment to supporting my children as they explore their interests and follow their passions. My children's passions at the very least become my interests as we learn together. I spend time researching to figure out my role as facilitator in relation to any particular passion. Many of the members of this family are still in the early stages of reconnecting with or discovering passions because we have only been focusing on our passions, instead of what outside influences said we should focus on, for about a year now.

In our family we accept that some passions come and go, while others remain for a lifetime. Each person is welcome to invest as much or as little of their time and energy into any particular passion or interest for as long or as short a time as they wish. There is no concern about wasting time with a non-permanent passion. We learn from each interest for as long as it lasts and are comfortable with the possibility that a particular interest may last for an hour or a week or for years. There is no guilt around leaving one interest for another. There are no lectures about finishing what you started or about being a quitter. There is no need to do something because we "should." Authentic engagement and intrinsic motivation determine how long each of us participates in any activity or follows a particular interest.

This commitment to supporting my children's passions involves a great deal of trust. Trust that they really know what is right for them and trust that I am capable when their passions push me out of my comfort zone. This week has had big moments of trust. One of our daughter's heard an ad on the radio about talent scouts who were coming to our area. We went on-line and checked it out as best we could. We talked about what the experience might be like and what the possibilities were that it could actually lead to her ending up with an agent and an acting career. We really didn't know what to expect, but our entire family went with her to the event. We listened, took notes, and when it was her turn she walked up to the table. The scout asked her a few questions. She gave him confident answers. He saw within her the passion, the desire, the confidence that this was what she was meant to be doing. Next thing we knew we were sitting down again listening to the realities of being parents to a child actor. Those realities don't exactly mesh with my comfort zone.

We have an invitation to an event in 2 months to meet with agents. I posted this on facebook and got the expected responses that this was a scam and we should run, not walk, the other direction. Believe me, I had my scam radar turned way up through the entire experience. My daughter and I talked about scams and about how there were no guarantees that she would end up with an agent. This is what my daughter wants to do. If I say no to going, give her a lecture about starting local and working her way up, and give in to my desire to remain within my comfort zone, I am not honoring her passion. She has always been a child full of passion. She's not a start small kind of kid. When she played soccer she wanted to be a forward or the goalie, front line or last defense and nothing in between. She wants to be a film actor, not a community theater actor. Knowing this about her I know that she wants to go to this event, walk on that stage, perform her monologue, meet agents in person and embrace the experience. She may or may not end up with an agent, but she needs to seize the opportunity and see where she ends up. I need to support her by providing her with honest information about what to expect and the possible outcomes, without giving in to my fears or unnecessary negativity. I have to trust her knowledge of herself and of what she needs to do to follow her passion.

Right now I have no way of knowing how long this particular passion will remain a part of our lives. It's possible that this time next year I will be spending a great deal of time in LA getting a lot of crocheting done while accompanying my child actor. That's so far out of my comfort zone, and outside of my knowledge base, that I can only trust that I will learn what I need to know as we go along and that I will handle each new experience with grace. On the other hand, next summer may find our family following a brand new set of passions that are completely unexpected and unknown at this moment.

I am reminded of the Kimya Dawson lyrics Jess has on his blog, "So write and write and keep on writing, Just make sure your life's exciting." A few days ago I was thinking that my life wasn't all that exciting. How wrong I was. We are living the grand adventure of following our passions. It doesn't get more exciting than that!

Adult Child and Parent Relationships

2010-06-30T18:10:00.000-07:00

The parent child relationship is constantly changing. From a newborn's total dependency on the parent to the geriatric's dependency on their adult child, through crawling to walking to running to driving a car, to having to tell a parent that they can no longer drive, it's the natural life-cycle of a family. Some families struggle through the changes. The parents aren't ready for their child to grow up or they push their child towards independence. The child wants to climb and the parent wants them safely on the ground. The parent wants the child to use the potty and the child isn't ready to leave diapers behind. The child is ready to stay out late with friends and the parent isn't ready to trust them on their own. The child is ready to be an adult and take responsibility for their life and their parent isn't ready to let go of their illusion of control. The child doesn't feel ready to leave home and yet the parent feels the need to push them out of the house. The child may not feel ready for their parent's dependency and being responsible for their own life as well as that of their parent. The parent may resent their adult child's involvement in their life decisions or the dependency that can come with aging.

The families I know that have had the smoothest transitions, who have passed through the stages and ages of family life with the most grace and humor and love, are the families who have based their relationships on respect, truly unconditional love, and acceptance of each family member as the individual they are. In these families the relationships change gradually over the years. The children have been making decisions and choices and learning who they are and where their passions lie. The parents have been supporting their child as they all learn and grow together, being actively involved in their child's daily life. The child trusts the parents to be there no matter what, the parents trust the child to reach out for help when it's needed. Over the years this naturally transitions to larger and larger life decisions and choices, greater trust and a shift to where the parents know that the child is there for them just as much as they have been there for their child. The mutual trust and respect provides them with a solid foundation for relationships as adults, not just as parents and children.

In families with parenting that is based on control through punishment, rewards, and conditional approval this natural progression can fail to take place. The relationship between the parent and the child does not have a foundation of trust and respect, the child often reaches adulthood still trying to win their parent's love and approval. The parent is often still trying to control the child in subtle and not so subtle ways. Since the natural progression in the relationship, from child to parent into adult to adult, did not take place gradually the parent may struggle with knowing when to start treating their child like an adult.

When should we start treating a child like an adult? Often when a question or statement is made along these lines someone will jump in and say "Children aren't adults! You can't expect a two year old to know not to run out into the street!" Let me be very clear about what I'm saying so as to avoid those types of comments. I'm not talking about behaviors or developmentally appropriate environments or anything remotely along the lines of children being allowed or expected to do things that are not safe. I am talking about relationships and how we interact with other people. Put another way it could be said, "When should we start interacting with a child as if they were a person?" Well guess what? Children are people. They are born with preferences and personality and unique abilities. As Horton said, "A person's a person no matter how small."

When we recognize the person inside that tiny baby, and we encourage the individual exploring the world as a toddler, and support that child following their passions and are there for the teen when they need a place to come home to after they've been adventuring, we feel comfortable in our relationship with the adult our child becomes.

If, in the future, I become a parent who is dependent on my children for care I'm going to have to depend on that relationship with my children . It is my hope that my children will continue to treat me as a person even if I'm unable to care for myself. I certainly don't want my children saying, "Mom, you can't have ice-cream until after you eat your broccoli." That's one of my more selfish reasons for parenting unconditionally. :)

Approval Junkie

2010-06-29T17:01:00.000-07:00

I recently wrote a short note, published it on facebook and then asked my husband if it was okay. He responded that he wasn't going to tell me that anymore. If you had seen inside my mind in that moment it's likely you would have been laughing or sadly saying "this woman needs serious help." My first internal reaction was shock and panic and desperation wrapped into a whirring ball that quickly lodged in my stomach. How could he not tell me if what I was writing was okay? I needed that feedback! I needed that approval and affirmation and "good job."

That instant of desperation gave me a glimpse of my inner approval junkie. The people pleasing middle child perfectionist who is afraid to speak up without preplanning what to say, wants everyone to be happy, wants to avoid conflict, and would rather have people assume she has nothing to say than to open her mouth and risk sounding stupid is still hiding inside. She shows up after almost every social event when I turn to Jess and ask, "Did I do okay?" She comes out when I'm trying to decide what the heck to wear. She doubts my ability to choose paint colors, raise children, write anything meaningful and coherent, and to handle new and unknown situations. She has been internalizing messages of approval and disapproval since I was born and she knows that I should not trust myself to know what to do, how to do it, or if what I'm doing measures up. She also knows that I shouldn't trust my own emotions, that at any given time I'm over reacting, afraid of something that is nothing to be afraid of, or being a worry wort.

As a parent I want my children to grow up knowing who they are, not internalizing who they should be.

When you internalize from birth who you should be in order to gain approval or love or affection from the adults in your life (or to avoid pain, punishment and criticism) it is amazingly difficult to know as an adult who you really are. It's disconcerting to realize that you aren't who you are, you are who other people wanted you to become.

I'm pretty sure I was 21 years old before I made a major decision that did not have my parents' approval. Here I am, 21 years after that, no longer seeking anyone's approval, but still struggling to figure out who I am beneath the ingrained messages and conditioned responses. It turns out I am many things I used to think that I was not, including: creative, smart, brave, and fun. My self-discovery continues and my inner approval junkie's need to surface is decreasing as I learn to separate my own voice from the messages from my childhood. My children and I are discovering who we are as we explore life and our interests together. What a blessing that they didn't have to live for two decades before they started this journey.

Alfie Kohn mentions "praise junkies" in the following essay: "Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job." http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm

You might also want to read "Parental Love with Strings Attached"
http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/conditional.htm

and for the larger picture read his book "Unconditional Parenting."

Family Reunion

2010-06-24T17:21:00.000-07:00

Last night we returned home from a family reunion. Admittedly we were anxious about attending because we live and parent differently from any of our relatives. We went into the reunion planning on talking about our life minimally so as not to create conflict or open ourselves to criticism. As it turned out, this reunion was yet another reminder that we are related to a remarkable group of people. Jess and I spent an incredible number of hours during the visit discussing how we parent and our way of life with relatives from different generations: grandparents, moms and dads, and future moms and dads. This happened because people sought us out and asked us questions. It continued because everyone involved entered into the conversations from a place of mutual respect and trust and openness.

Family reunions are fascinating to me because you have a unique opportunity to witness multiple generations of parenting in the same moment. You learn more about how you have gotten to where you are and you see how different parenting and environments, as well as the individual's journey, affect relationships. This window to the family's past can be threatening or painful to those who are a product of, or the creators of, the family's more recent parenting history. At the same time it can be daunting to those who are now taking up the role of parent and who want to change some of the family parenting patterns while still remaining respectful of their parents and grandparents.

In our family, as with most families, there has been pain and hurt and damage done in the name of "good parenting." There is a strong demand for perfection and an inclination to hide weaknesses (mental or physical) from people inside as well as outside the family. There is also an undeniable desire to be a "good parent". The challenge is in moving forward toward better parenting without hurting others by implying that their parenting was not good enough. In truth, that is not within our control. No matter how sensitive I am, I cannot control how someone else will feel about what I say or what I write. It is never my intention to hurt those who have parented or are parenting differently. However, it is most important to me that I do everything possible to facilitate better parenting for the present generation and the generations to come.

During the reunion there were times, primarily around meals or activities, when individuals were asked to stand up and share about their lives. The idea was that this way everyone would get to catch up even if they didn't find time to visit during the activities over the weekend. The last dinner of the reunion there was a push to get in the remaining people. The younger children were getting louder and louder as they waited to go paddle boating on the lake. Some of the kids began repeatedly running in one door, through the room, and out the other door. The parents scolded and resorted to using middle names and increasingly stern voices. When it was mentioned that I had not yet shared I realized that I could not. Instead I said that I didn't think it was right to make the kids wait and that perhaps we could do the sharing later in the evening. This comment was brushed aside and other people continued sharing. I excused myself from my table and went out to check on the children who had been sent out into the hall to play, without adult supervision. When I got to the door I found that it was locked and I'm afraid at that point I mouthed a word that most people in my extended family would find extremely offensive. Upon unlocking the door I found a small boy outside on the verge of tears who couldn't get to his parents (in fairness the door at the other end of the hall was open, but being three and upset he didn't have the awareness to know.) I invited the kids to come outside with me and they ended up running around in the sprinkler.

I never did have the opportunity to stand up and share. My not sharing, the fact that I spoke up about the needs of the children and my departure to meet their needs, says more about my development as a parent and a person than anything I could have said. In my life the needs and expectations of children are at least as important as the needs and expectations of adults. In my life children are not sent out to play in the hall or made to feel less important than adult conversations and agendas. It comes back to relationships. My relationship with these children and meeting their needs is more important than the expectations adults have regarding my behavior.

Arbitrary Parenting

2010-06-15T15:54:00.000-07:00

If asked, most of us would say that we parent with integrity, or at least that we try to parent with integrity. We would also say that we treat our children respectfully. Looking at the relationships of the parents and teens I know, it becomes clear that parents who do parent with integrity and who are respectful of their children continue to have a positive, loving, mutually respectful relationship through the teen years and into adulthood.

To parent with integrity we must avoid being arbitrary. When I decided to blog about arbitrary parenting I decided I should look up the word to make sure it accurately expressed what I was thinking.

Main Entry: ar·bi·trary
Pronunciation: \ˈär-bə-ˌtrer-ē, -ˌtre-rē\
Function: adjective
Date: 15th century

1 : depending on individual discretion (as of a judge) and not fixed by law
2 a : not restrained or limited in the exercise of power : ruling by absolute authority b : marked by or resulting from the unrestrained and often tyrannical exercise of power
3 a : based on or determined by individual preference or convenience rather than by necessity or the intrinsic nature of something b : existing or coming about seemingly at random or by chance or as a capricious and unreasonable act of will (Merriam-Webster)

It turns out that "arbitrary" is painfully accurate when it comes to many parenting practices. Parents rely on their own discretion. Some parents do practice the "unrestrained and often tyrannical exercise of power." However, all parents have times when their parenting is "based on or determined by individual preference or convenience rather than by necessity or the intrinsic nature of something."

We all do this. We make a decision based on what we prefer or what is convenient for us, the parent, rather than out of necessity. When our children see through this our parenting can seem "random or by chance or as a capricious and unreasonable act of will." When we parent this way we lose integrity and we are not being respectful of our children.

Arbitrary parenting happens when we fail to be honest with our children about why we are making a decision. We say that something bad will happen when there are many possible outcomes.
"If you eat candy it will rot your teeth."
"If you play in the street you will be hit by a car."
"If you don't drink your milk you won't grow up big and strong."
We do this to manipulate our child to do or not do something because we want to protect them or simply because it makes our life easier. The truth is that some people eat candy and their teeth are fine. There are some streets that you can play in safely and there are many kids who play in the street every day and don't get hit by a car. Many children in the world don't drink milk and they grow up just fine. Your children will eventually notice the kids who do the things you don't let them do who are still alive and doing just fine. That doesn't mean you should let your child do whatever they want with no regard for their health and safety. It does mean you need to do your research and be honest. It's important to explain to our children what our concerns are and then discuss ways to meet their needs while supporting their safety and health. Every time your child finds a lack of truth in the information you have provided you lose credibility in their eyes. When your child feels you have been manipulative it also leaves them feeling frustrated, betrayed or angry.

From the age of 3 my eldest has drawn on her own arms. When she attended middle school she found that most of her friends were not allowed to draw on their arms. Some of them had been told that they would get ink poisoning from drawing on their skin. Was this true? My daughter and I went on-line and found that you would have to drink at least three ballpoint pens worth of ink to get ink poisoning. She returned to school and told her friends the truth. Were the friend's parents relieved to know that their kids could happily draw on themselves without the fear of ink poisoning? I'm guessing some of the kids didn't bother to tell their parents the truth because their parents wouldn't have responded well to being "contradicted." The other parents probably didn't appreciate our fact finding because they were using the fear of poisoning as a way to control their kids. The parents didn't want their kids drawing on their skin because the parents didn't like the way it looked, or because of what others might think about their parenting or their child. Instead of being honest and talking this through with their kid, they provided false information.

Parents set arbitrary limits all the time. In an effort to parent with integrity and to be respectful of my children I've learned to question my motives. Why am I saying "no"? What would happen if I said "yes"? Am I saying this to make my life easier? Am I saying this out of a place of fear or to control my child?

We don't have punishment in our house, however, in many households this is another area fraught with arbitrary punishment. "Because you broke that dish you are grounded from friends for two days." "If you don't go to bed right now you can't have a friend over tomorrow." Even so called "natural consequence" are often arbitrary and manipulated by parents. "If you don't do your homework you can't play video games." In truth, if you don't do your homework your homework doesn't get done. The natural consequences of that may be a lower grade but there are no natural consequences that can take place at home relating to homework, which comes from school.

In our house we also don't have rewards, these are often even more arbitrary than punishments. "If you don't wet the bed you get a gold star. Once you have 10 gold stars we'll buy ice cream." Seriously? If a child is wetting the bed they are doing it in their sleep and have no control over that. Gold stars and ice cream have nothing to do with physical development or dry beds.

Every time you feel that you must set a limit ask yourself if you are parenting with integrity and respect. There are limits in life, but those that are "set" by parents are often arbitrary in nature. When you think you need to set a limit instead start a discussion, and make sure it involves the truth and input from your child. Parenting with integrity and respect does not involve rewards and punishment. Rewards and punishment are used to control and manipulate our kids. Parenting by control and manipulation is counter intuitive to parenting with integrity and respect.

Parenting with integrity and respect requires us to involve our children in the conversation. We must be honest and we must not be arbitrary. If we say "no" then we need a real, fact based reason why. If we can get to the teen years with our parental integrity intact, with our children knowing that we are willing to help them explore the options and answers, that we are not trying to control or manipulate their behavior to make our life easier, and we are truly supportive of the person they are, the better our relationship will be.

Expectations

2010-06-12T01:20:00.000-07:00

Nothing is more important to me than my relationship with my children. That includes your expectations.

As parents it is hard not to concern ourselves with what other people think about our children and our parenting. (Even if you don't have kids it can be hard not to let concerns about what others think about you affect your mental and emotional state.) When you are in the grocery store w/ a screaming child, or when you snap at your child's simple request while shopping, you start to feel like everyone is watching you and you just know that in their minds they are judging you as a parent. And that's with strangers! It gets even more difficult when the people watching are family members and you know they are judging your parenting and your children because they say things out loud.

My husband and I continuously seek to improve our parenting. We have high and lofty ideals to which we aspire. Knowing and admitting that we fall short we do not give up as failures, we do not lay blame, we do not criticize each other. Instead, we support and encourage each other, and we seek out friends who share the same ideals and who will help hold us accountable. We have found a path that is incredibly compatible with who we are as individuals and as a family. This isn't some random experiment we are trying with our children. If you really need them, we can show you scientific studies that back us up. More importantly, families who have traveled this path have shown us that it supports children in their growth and development as healthy, joy filled people who follow their passions and are comfortable in their own skin. It also builds amazing family relationships.

When I focus on the expectations of others instead of my expectations for myself as a parent I run the risk of damaging my relationship with my child. In the past I know that I have repeatedly failed in this area. There have been too many times when some one has been disrespectful to my kids, discounted their feelings, been critical of their hair or dress, or manipulated their behavior through bribes or guilt, when I have failed to adequately step in and protect or support my kids. At times I have pushed my children to do things just to meet other people's expectations instead of showing them respect myself. Why? I was concerned that if I stepped in I would upset the adult involved, or I would fail to remain calm and unemotional, or the adult would think I was over reacting or being overly critical. It was easier to push my child to conform than to stand up to another adult. Painfully true. Particularly true when the other adult was a relative.

Changing family patterns is tough. There are generations of relationships that have gotten us where we are today. In our family we only spend a month's worth of days out of each year with relatives, which makes it harder to practice new ways of communicating and easier to ignore hurtful patterns. It also makes our growth as people and parents more obvious because we are compared to who we were a year ago, not who we were last Sunday at dinner.

Next week we will be attending a family reunion. We have always enjoyed our time with the larger extended family. This year, however, feels like a test. Having made radical changes in our parenting and daily life over the past year, I know that it is more important than ever that I keep my focus on my relationship with my children. If I get caught up in the expectations of others I will let us all down, if I can stay present for my kids I can make strides in changing long standing family patterns. For me that change begins with this:

Nothing is more important to me than my relationship with my children. That includes your expectations.

Because I said so!

2010-06-09T00:43:00.000-07:00

Two of my girls were talking w/ a friend who said, "You know, when your parents say 'Because I said so!'" My eldest responded, "My parents don't say that." Wow! How cool. I don't say that!

When a parent says "Because I said so!" and "The answer is No!" and "Don't argue with me!" it sends a message to kids. That message is stated clearly in "Matilda" by Roald Dahl, "I'm right and your wrong, I'm big and your little, and there's nothing you can do about it."

Have you ever said "No!" in response to your child and then wished you could take it back? Here's a little secret, you can. Well, that shouldn't be a secret and it's not a little thing. It's huge to our kids! It's important that they know we are listening to them and thinking before we respond. I'll admit that I used to be fairly quick with "no" answers. My first reaction to almost anything was negative. How much more useful to at least say, "I need a minute to think about that" or "let's talk about that." In the process of decreasing my no's I learned that once I said "No!" and realized that perhaps no wasn't the best answer, I could take it back. This wasn't confusing to my children. It actually strengthened my relationship with my children. I would say, "I can tell this is really important to you. Let's talk and see how we can work this out."

The more I am able to be open to their wants and needs and ideas, the more comfortable they become in expressing their feelings and sharing their hearts desires. The more we take the time to discuss how we can meet everyone's needs in any given moment, the more they trust that I am taking their needs seriously, the more creative we all become in working to make sure everyone's needs are met.

To me, "Because I said so!" isn't good enough. My children expect better than that from me. They expect me to take their feelings into consideration. They trust me to be respectful and not lay down arbitrary rules just because I can. They need to know that I'm not going to make them do something just because I'm big and they are little. I'm only going to ask them to do something because there's a need or a real reason. They expect an honest answer if they ask about that reason. They expect to be listened to if they have a suggestion of a different way to do something.

"I'm right and your wrong, I'm big and your little, and there's nothing you can do about it." If you think about it, this is the voice of a bully. Some parents do parent through bullying. They parent through shame and scorn and belittling. They parent by control and making themselves feel bigger and their child feel even smaller. There are many problems with this type of parenting. The hurt and pain and anger that the child has stuffed inside may come boiling out, particularly during the teenage years. The child treats others the way they have been treated by their parent and struggles socially or in society. The child gets tired of being bullied and leaves as soon as they can, and doesn't return. The mental, emotional and/or physical health of the child may suffer. Then one day the child become a parent and they get to be big, they get to be in control, they get to be right and the pain gets passed on to a new generation.

Our children never need to do something just because we say so, there needs to be a real reason or need. And even then we need to take into consideration what we are interrupting with our request. It's rude to expect anyone to drop what they are doing to help us unless it's really urgent. We show respect for their time and interest when we say, "When you are done with that, would you be willing to help me carry in the groceries?" or "When you get to the end of that chapter would you like to go to the park?"

Some times the answer may end up being no, but first let's look for all the ways we can say yes. Our children have many wonderful and creative solutions. By making sure we understand what they are asking and then engaging in a conversation with them they feel respected and know we care, even if in the end they can't have what they want.

Our kids won't need to argue with us if we are already open to dialogue. If we have created a pattern of thoughtful discussions, and not of trying to control our children or the outcome of the discussion, we won't need to argue with our children.

We aren't right and they aren't wrong. We are all learning and growing together. We may be big now, but they are growing and won't be little for long, and there's nothing you can do about it.