Spoiled?

My daughters have had friends tell them that they are spoiled.  These comments have lead to conversations at our house about what it means to be spoiled and what would cause someone to say that about someone else.  Why would other kids say that my girls are spoiled? We live in a house with sub-flooring in the living room (we pulled up the nasty old carpet but haven't had funds for flooring), with one car that is uncomfortably small for our family and we consider sharing foot long sandwiches at Subway eating out. The children who have called my girls spoiled come from families with more material possession such as larger TV's, gaming systems, and more new clothes. Their families have multiple cars and have gone on really cool vacations. These are nice families who do activities together and these kids have "good parents." Why on earth would they think my children are spoiled?

One of my girls suggested that when one kid calls another spoiled it is usually because they are jealous or they want something the other kid has. We discussed what the girls might have that the other kids didn't and an immediate answers was, "We have our needs met." I think there are probably many aspects of our family's life that could bring up feelings of envy in other children, for example: not having to go to school, not being required to do chores, being able to decide what and when to eat, being able to choose if and when they play indoors or out, sleeping when they are tired and getting up when they are rested, having the freedom to choose if they want to join in a family activity or not, and being accepted for who they are. When children look at our family and call my girls spoiled it is not about material possession and money, it's about connection, respect, and the fact that in our family children know that their needs are important. That's how we live at our house.

When adults talk about children being spoiled it means something different. Adults are often suggesting that indulgent parents are creating "spoiled brats." Adults aren't really concerned that the children are being given too much, adults are concerned that the children's behavior will become a problem (to the adults) because the children get what they want. When I talk about meeting my children's needs, and saying yes to the things that they want as often as humanly possible, I know that there are adults out there thinking that I'm spoiling my children. These people think my children will turn out to be ungrateful, disrespectful, spoiled brats who are unable to delay gratification. They think that children need to be taught how to deal with not getting what they want, that children need these lessons for their own good. These adults think that doing for children that they could do for themselves will create me-centered monsters who only think about themselves and disregard the needs of others. These parents are sure that their children have to be made to do chores or they will never learn how to be helpful. These parents will tell you that's just how life is.

For these adults it will probably come as a surprise that children who have their needs met do not grow up to be spoiled brats with "problem behaviors". Children who grow up to be stereo-typical spoiled brats, throwing fits to get what they want, being demanding and disrespectful of their parents, are not children who have had their needs met. These are usually children whose parents buy them stuff, but deny them unconditional love and connection. Parents who fail to meet their children's emotional needs. Parents who try to make their children happy with presents but who deny them their actual presence. When children regularly do not have their needs met they get desperate, this desperation can take the form of behaviors that people think come from being spoiled. If you see a child and you find your self thinking, "What a spoiled brat!" take a moment to see how the parent is treating the child. Is the parent creating Conflict or Connection? Is the parent focused on the needs of the child? Is the child hungry, tired, or over stimulated? Is it possible the child has a history of  having needs that have not been met?

Children who regularly have their needs met, who trust the adults in their lives to be respectful of their needs and to support them in getting their needs met, do not have to rely on extreme behaviors to draw attention to their needs.

"The baseline fear is that if we give our children what they want, they will always want more. However, this theory is rarely tested because we seldom keep giving until they are satisfied. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy because they don’t get enough opportunities to learn what “enough” feels like." 

Scott Noelle

Punishment and Consequences

Punishment or Consequence?

Natural Consequences or  Logical Consequences?

Punishment:  suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution  (merriam-webster.com)

 Punishment is something you do to your children.  I can't say "we do to our children" since I do not punish my children.  I have been involved in several discussions lately where parents have implied, or stated out right, that you cannot raise children without punishment because they won't be ready for life as adults.  They think That's just the way life is so they are doing their job and preparing their children for the harsh realities of life.

Consequence:  something produced by a cause or necessarily following from a set of conditions (merriam-webster.com)

Consequences happen as the result of cause and effect. If you jump up and down long enough you will get tired. If you take a bath you are going to get wet.

The term "Logical consequences" has come to mean a consequence that is determined by a parent to be the logical punishment for a child's behavior or action. Some parents and parenting experts think that it is logical to create consequences in addition to the natural consequences. Any consequence that you dole out, influence, or create as a parent is actually a punishment.

Natural consequences on the other hand happen without any effort on the part of the parent. Natural consequences are those things that happen naturally. Life is hard enough, you don't have to make these up. However, some parents feel the need to enhance natural consequences by not stepping in to support their child and some parents feel the need to use natural consequences as a "teachable moment" by pointing out the consequence and shaming the child in the process.

Yes, there are natural consequences in life for adults and yes, there are natural consequences for kids, too.  However, as adults with more life experience I think that we can often soften the natural consequences for our children, as opposed to making them more harsh with "logical consequences." Children do not have the life experience and maturity to always understand what the consequences of a behavior or choice will be. If we know that our child splashes in puddles we can plan ahead and bring along a change of clothes where ever we go.  How much kinder than looking at our soggy child and saying,"You'll just have to be wet and cold, there's nothing I can do about it." Yes, there is something you can do about it, you can show your child the kindness of having extra clothes at the ready.

For those of you who think that parents must punish children or they won't grow up prepared for the realities of life and for those of you who think that we must make sure our children suffer the consequences of their choices and behaviors, I ask you, what is wrong with treating our children how we would like to be treated?   If your husband was getting ready to go to work and he couldn't find the tie that matched his shirt would you tell him that was the consequence of his not hanging it back up, and continue drinking your cup of coffee while he searched on in frustration? If you headed for the door only to find that your keys weren't in their usual place would you expect your children to tell you that was the consequence of not putting them were they belong as they continue to playing their game?

We all forget things, we all lose things, we all make mistakes. When we do isn't it wonderful when someone goes out of their way to help us out, offer us support or tell us they know what it's like because they had the same thing happen once upon a time? We're human, we are imperfect, we don't always get it right. Our children are human and imperfect and they are also new to this world. Why would we expect them to always get it right? They have so much to learn and we have the opportunity to support them in the learning process.

If my child is heading out the door and cannot find the shoes that would match her outfit I am not inclined to say, "You'll have to wear your sneakers, that's what happens when you don't put your shoes by the door." It doesn't matter if my daughter is 2 or 14, I will do everything I can to help her search for her shoes in the amount of time we have before she heads out the door.  Do you think I am making life too easy for my child?  Do you think I am helping her avoid the consequences of her behavior? Here's what I think: When I help my child find her shoes I am showing her that I care about her. She knows that her shoes aren't by the door, she knows she can't find them, she knows that it means rushing around at the last minute.  And if she's too young to know that, then she's too young to be expected to put her shoes by the door in the first place. For some children keeping track of their shoes is easy, for other children it is a challenge. There is no one age when a child is old enough or should know better. Children will do the best they can. If a child fails to meet your expectations than your expectations are out of line, not the child.

"Being kind to everyone includes being kind to our children, our partners, and ourselves.  Kindness begins at home. When children live in a world of kindness they internalize being kind, they understand that when someone is kind to you it feels warm and fuzzy, and they understand that when you are kind to someone else you both feel blessed. Children who experience kindness and respect in their homes are more likely treat others they meet with kindness and respect."  (from my post Be kind to everyone)

As Dana Ellis said, "Yeah, the whole "natural consequences" thing always annoys the shit out of me. My family doesn't hold ME to that! If someone else is making dinner and I get home after dinner, they don't tell me I can't eat! They ask if I want some warmed up! Or if I can't find my shoes they don't make me wear others--everyone crawls around under the furniture to find them for me! It doesn't make me less likely to lose my shoes, it just makes me more happy I have the family I have! :)"

If you think you have to punish your children, create consequences for their behaviors, or let them suffer the natural consequences without support please reconsider. Punishment does not need to be a part of parenting. Learn about unconditional parenting and living a life with your family built on a foundation of unconditional love, respect, trust and connection. If you don't think you have the time to read books here are some articles to get you started:

"The Case Against Time Out" by Peter Haiman

"Parental Love with Stings Attached" by Alfie Kohn

"Atrocious Advice from the Super Nanny" by Alfie Kohn

From my blog:

"Problem Behaviors"

"Arbitrary parenting"

And pretty much every other blog post :)

"I hate you!"

A reader asked how I handle things when siblings are saying (or yelling) "I hate you!" to each other.  Here is my reply:

I've struggled with the "I hate you!" statements made by my children towards each other.  It can be hard not to feel reactive when people you love, and who you hope will love each other, are using the word hate to describe how they feel.  However, that was actually the answer for me, realizing that the word was being used to describe how they were feeling.

If I say "Don't say that!" I am discouraging them from expressing their feelings.  The reality is that they are using such a strong word to express some very strong feelings. When there are strong feeling swirling around it is easy to get sucked into the situation and become emotional or angry. However, I have learned that if I can disconnect from the word they are using and connect with the emotions they are feeling it makes it a lot easier for me to stay calm and compassionate.

It is then easier to say, "You are really feeling angry towards your sister," instead of lashing out at the use of the word hate.  Sometimes validating their strong feelings can help diffuse the situation and lead to each child feeling more heard and understood.  Sometimes we have to step back and make room for the children work it out for themselves, particularly with older children. In that case we can then make time later on to reconnect with each child to provide them with the opportunity to talk with us about what happened and how they felt about it and how they are now feeling.

If we get distracted by the words that our children use it is easy to lose sight of what our children need.  If we start scolding our child for using a particular word we are creating a disconnection.  If we focus on how our children are feeling and what their needs are we are creating connection.

Parenting Without Hate

What can you do to promote world peace?

Go home and love your family.  

~Mother Teresa 

Some parents seem to think that hate is a necessary part of the parent/child relationship. They believe that if they are doing their job there will be times when their children will hate them. They assume that teenagers will be angry and resentful and that there will conflict. When a parent says publicly, in real life or on-line, that their child is mad at them because of some punishment other parents will respond with support. The other parents say that it's normal, that the child will get over it, that the parent needs to stay strong, and that it's important for children to know who's boss.  Some parents think that they have to use punishments that will upset their children and make their children angry.  They think that they have to do this to control problem behaviors.

Definition of HATE: intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury (Merriam-Webster.com)

Is that really what you want for your family?  Do you want your children to hate you? Do you want yelling and screaming and tears? Do you want hostility and aversion to be a part of your relationship with your children?  Do you want your children to fear you?

Do you remember being punished as a child? Did it make you less likely to do something again or less likely to get caught the next time?  Did punishments make you more likely to do something because it was the right thing to do or less likely to do something because you were afraid of punishment? When you were sent to your room did you think about what you had done or did you think about how mad you were at your parents?

Many parents think that by punishing their children they are being "good parents."  Some parents parent this way because it was how they themselves were raised.  Many parents simply do not know that happy, confident, loving, generous, capable children can be raised without parenting that causes conflict in the parent/child relationship. Many parents don't know that the most effective way to have children who are all of those things does not involve punishment, bribes, rewards or other forms of parental manipulation and control.  If you don't believe me I encourage you to read Alfie Kohn's book "Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason."

Parenting does not need to involve hate.  In fact, parenting should not involve hate.  Parenting should be based on unconditional love, respect, compassion, trust and connection. Imagine a family without conflict, without yelling, without punishment, without consequences that are created by parents.  Imagine a home where parents respect the children and the children trust the parents. This is not some fantasy I've created in my mind, this is how families I know are living today. This is how my family lives.

Do you enjoy parenting?  Do your children enjoy spending time with you?  Do your children choose to spend time with you?  Do you choose to spend time with your children? Do you want to have relationships built on trust and mutual respect? Do you want to be able to trust your children?  Do you want your children to trust you?

We can be our children's partners on the journey of life. We can live together joyfully in peace. This is possible when we meet the needs our our children. Meeting our children's needs is The Easy Button of Parenting.

If you are parenting with punishments and find that yelling, tears and even hate have become a regular part of your family it is time to look at what is causing the conflict.  My blog post on Triggers which will help you begin identifying and neutralizing the triggers that are causing conflict.

It is never too late to create a more loving and peaceful relationship with your children.  I know because I made dramatic changes in my parenting when my children were between the ages of 8 and 12.  I am now enjoying the teenage years of my oldest daughter which lead me to write "Hopefully some day you will have a teenager." I'm actually looking forward to when I have three teenagers in the house.

Hate has no place in our house.  If my children are angry with me than I know I need to find out why and figure out what I can do to reconnect.  Notice that the above sentence is all what I need to do, not what my children need to do.  I do not want my children feeling "intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury" because of something I have done.  If they do then I need to examine my behavior and apologize for what I have done. Have you apologized to your children for your behavior lately? Perhaps that's a good place to start as you begin to change your own behavior and learn to parent without hate.

If we have no peace,

it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.

~Mother Teresa

That's just how life is...

Most parents will tell you that they are preparing their children for life.  Most people would agree that this is part of the parental job description.  My question is, what kind of life are we preparing them for?

Parents justify all kinds of parenting decisions by saying, "That's just the way life is." When a child has a teacher who is harsh and negative, or one they just don't get along with, a parent will say, "She needs to learn how to deal with people like that because some day she will have to work for a boss who is like this teacher." When a child doesn't like the food that the parent prepared for dinner the parent may say, "This is what's for dinner, you need to learn to eat what you are given. There will be times in life where you don't have a choice about what you eat." When a child is teased by another child the parent may say it is a normal part of childhood and that their child needs to toughen up. When a child tries a new sport or activity, and finds out that they really don't enjoy it, their parent will say that they can't quit. They need to learn how to stick with what they have started. The parent will tell you the child needs to learn how to deal with things they don't enjoy doing because they will have a job in the future they don't like. Parents tell their kids that that is just the way life is.

Parents tell their children that they must do what they are told, be respectful of adults, go to bed at a specific time, go to school, complete their homework and do chores. Parents tell their children how much time they can spend on the computer, who they should be friends with, and what and when to eat.  Parents try to prepare children for life by controlling them, teaching them lessons, and making them do the things that adults have decided are important. Parents do this because they want to be good parents. They do these things because this is how it was done by their parents before them. Parents often say that they do these things to prepare their children for life. They do these things because they want their children to be prepared for how life is.

How often do we as parents stop and ask why life is the way it is? Do we stop and ask ourselves if we want our child to live in a world were life is set up so that people have bosses they don't get along with and jobs they don't enjoy? Do we consider what life would be like if everyone ate food they liked when they were hungry and participated in activities because the activities brought them joy? Have we considered that not only does life not have to be the way it is, but that life is rapidly changing and it isn't how it was 20 years ago and it won't be the same 20 years from now. We really have no idea what life in the future will be like, we have no idea what the world we are preparing our children to live in as adults will be like.

When we prepare our children for life by teaching them lessons based on the "That's just how life is and you need learn to deal with that" philosophy we are helping to perpetuate life like it is. If we teach our children to accept a life with bosses they don't get along with and jobs they don't enjoy, what life are we preparing them for? Is that the life you would wish for your children?

The next time you say to your kids, "That's just how life is..." or something similar, ask yourself if that is true.  Parents tell their children that they have to go to school, that's just how life is.  But that's not true.  My children don't go to school.  Their life isn't like that.

Instead of perpetuating how life is, ask yourself, "What kind of life do I want for my family?"  "What do I want my children to know about how life is?"

I want my children to know what foods they enjoy and when they are hungry. I want my children to know how to recognize if a situation, job, relationship, or activity brings them joy. I want them to know how to remove themselves from situations that are not healthy. I want my children to know how to use the resources around them to learn whatever they want to learn. I want my children to know that there are all different kinds of ways to live life and I will be right here with them as they explore the options. I want my children to know that they do not have to accept someone else's definition of how life is.

Compassion

I am presently reading "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are" by Brené Brown, which I decided to read after watching the author's Ted Talk  "The Power of Vulnerability.  In the book, Brené Brown talks about how we need to be compassionate and accepting in order to create connection with the people in our lives.  I agree with that.

She went on to say, "...if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior."  (Brown,2010,p.17)  This statement did not ring true for me.  I kept reading as she described a work situation where the boss was frustrated because two of his employees did not listen and would always do things their own way even after he made sure they understood every detail of a project.  Her answer was to hold the employees accountable for not following the project protocol.  She said the boss should tell them that that he was going to write them up or give them an official warning the next time they didn't do things according to protocol.  This was holding them accountable.  She went on to generalize this idea, "We can confront someone about their behavior, or fire someone, or discipline a child without berating them or putting them down.  The key is to separate people from their behaviors - to address what they're doing, not who they are." (Brown,2010,p.18.)

And with that, she had completely lost my agreement.   Looking at the work situation I see a boss who says it has to be done one way and employees who consistently do it a different way.  Without knowing anything else about the situation I have to ask "why?" " Why is it so important that they do it a specific way?"  and "Why do they always do it differently even if they understand how they are supposed to be doing it?"  It seems much better for the relationship between the boss and the employees, and for the general work environment, for the boss to find out why the employees are not doing their work according to protocol.  There has to be a reason.  Employees do not willfully do something against protocol without a reason.  Separating the people from the behavior takes away all understanding of why they feel the need for that behavior.

The same is even more true for our children.  Children are their behaviors.  If you say to a child,"You aren't bad, but your behavior is," however nicely you want to phrase that, you are still saying to the child that they aren't good enough.  A child doesn't behave randomly.  There is a reason for every behavior.  As a parent we need to figure out what need our child is trying to get met through the behavior.  When we show compassion for our children we take the time to validate their feelings and experiences.  When we take the time to understand the Why? of a behavior our children feel understood, listened to and loved.  Children use behaviors to get their needs met.  When we as parents focus on stopping behaviors we are only exacerbating the situation, as I explained in my post "Problem Behaviors."


Brené Brown concludes that section of the chapter by saying,"When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated....It is also impossible to practice compassion from a place of resentment.  If we're going to practice acceptance and compassion, we need boundaries and accountability." (Brown, 2020,p.19)

Even though she quotes Pema Chödrön in preceding paragraphs regarding compassion, it seems that Brené Brown does not actually understand the Buddhist practice of compassion.  Our compassion does not rely on anything outside of ourselves.  We can bring compassion to every interaction in our lives, even with those people who we feel have mistreated us and those we have feelings of anger towards.  No one needs to change anything before we can practice compassion, they do not need to be held accountable for their behaviors.  The only person we need to hold accountable is our self.  Are we acting with compassion?  Are we doing our best to understand the "Why?" behind someone's behavior?  Similarly, the boundaries we may set are for ourselves.  We may say, "I will not let you hurt me," and we may remove our self from the situation.

I recently found myself at a red light behind a large pickup truck with truly unpleasant political bumper stickers.  I found myself thinking negative thoughts about the driver.  Then I remembered a blog post from Single Dad Laughing which said, "And so, I will ask you now to not hate the bullies. Experience tells me that hating them, or being angry with them, will always make it worse. Instead, put your arm around them. Love them. Tell them that they are valuable. Tell them that you expect great things from them. They will stop the bullying. They will stop, because they will start to love themselves. And people who love themselves don't bully others."  I started thinking about the driver of the truck as someone who could really use a hug.  I felt compassion for someone who felt so angry at the world.  Nothing changed but my perspective.  I chose to feel compassion for the driver.

We do not need to hold people accountable for their behavior in order to live a life of compassion.  We need to hold our selves accountable for our thoughts and behaviors.  We must cultivate a spirit of compassion for everyone around us so that our response to their behaviors is not limited to reacting and trying to make their behaviors stop.

     "True compassion is not just an emotional response

but a firm commitment founded on reason.

Therefore, a truly compassionate attitude towards others 

does not change

even if they behave negatively." 

- The Dalai Lama

I found it interesting that the Dalai Lama's message on compassion speaks specifically to the needs of children, starting at conception and continuing through childhood.  "Then there is the critical period of brain development from the time of birth up to at least the age of three or four, during which time loving physical contact is the single most important factor for the normal growth of the child. If the child is not held, hugged, cuddled, or loved, its development will be impaired and its brain will not mature properly."  This was taken from the middle, visit the Dalai Lama's website to read his message on compassion in its entirely.
 
Sometimes when we come across a passage in a book that challenges us we find that there is a shift that needs to take place in our lives or in our thinking.  We may feel defensive and realize that this is a signal that we need to look more deeply, with an open mind, into something we believe to be true.  Other times we may realize that while much of what a particular writer or speaker says is in agreement with our own beliefs and philosophies, we take exception to something in particular.  We need to examine the Why? of our own feelings and reactions in order to gain a clearer understanding of the person we want to be and the life we want to live.

The final answer is...

There is no final answer.  If you are looking for a blog that tells you exactly how to live, what to say to your children, what to feed your children, when and how long they should sleep, how they should learn, how many hours a day you should spend together building craft projects to ensure that they will grow up to be happy, healthy, confident, capable adults then you are missing the point.  No one can tell you the final answer.  You need to live knowing that your life will change, your children will change, what works today may not work tomorrow, what your children enjoy today may be irrelevant tomorrow.  I do not know you or your children.  I do not know how you have raised them up to this point and I cannot know all the variables in your life.   I do not know the final answer on any specific topic, even for myself.

What I do know is this:  If your children are happy and feel safe, know that you are there for them no matter what, that nothing they do will make you withdraw your love, that who they are and who they become will not change your love for them, that you are going to do everything you can to make sure their needs are met and that they are more important to you than anything else in the universe, then you should probably keep doing what you are doing.

If you and your children fight or argue frequently, you resent your children and feel the need to vent about them to friends, family and absolute strangers, if your children have "problem behaviors" that leave your frustrated and angry, if you cannot wait for your children to leave the house to go to school, their friends house or to get an apartment of their own, if your family life is full of stress and anxiety, if your children fear you, if your children hide their feelings from you and avoid expressing what they want and need, then you need to consider if this is what you really want for yourself and your children.   I'm hoping that this is not what you want for yourself and your children.  In that case, I encourage you to keep learning and growing and finding new ways to heal the hurts and create connection, trust, and respect in your family relationships.

How do you want to live as a family?  Have you ever written up how you want to live as a family like I did in "How we live at our house."  What kind of relationship do you want with your children now and in the future?  When you think about your life with your children do you feel warm and fuzzy?  Are you comfortable with how you interact with them?  Do you feel good about where you are getting information about parenting and living together as a family?  Is someone telling you to do things that don't feel right to you?  Does it not feel right because it is different from how you were raised, how you believe things have to be, how you believe things should be?  Does it not feel right because it is causing conflict between you and your children, making you feel sad when you implement a proscribed punishment, or causing your child distress?  There are so many people who will tell you that they know how you should parent, they have the magic solution, they can tell you exactly what to do and guarantee you results.  There are no guarantees.  Listen to your heart, listen to your children, seek out new ideas about parenting, but be aware that only you can know what really works for your family.  No one should be giving you a final answer.

Please remember that when I am writing I cannot cover ever possible variable, every allergy, sensitivity, combination of family members, health issue of parents or children, spiritual path, financial situation and educational option.  If I tried to write so that I covered ever possible variable my blog posts would be pages long and my children would not be getting their needs met.

If you feel the need to justify your life, or your parenting, or your relationship with your children after reading one of my blog posts then ask yourself if you are making excuses, feeling defensive because you have doubts about how you are living, or if you actually do have a special situation where what I'm suggesting would not help you and your children live a more connected, trusting, love filled life.

Nothing is more important than my relationship with my children but how we maintain connection, what our relationship looks like, changes, shifts and grows as we grow together.

A Bowl Of Hot Cereal

A simple bowl of hot cereal.

I decide to have a bowl of hot cereal on this very cold morning.  ("Have you considered green smoothies?  They are the best way to start your day.") ("Cereal?  Have you thought about a veggie omelet?  It's really important to start your day with protein.")  ("I'm not hungry in the morning, I usually skip breakfast.")

I've burnt the bottom of my smallest sauce pan so I decide to make it in the microwave.  ("A microwave?  Are you kidding me?  Don't you know they change the molecular structure of your food?!? Not to mention the radiation they leak.")  ("Oh, I couldn't live without my microwave!  It makes heating up leftovers so much easier and the kids can make their own hot chocolate.")

I get out my Bob's Red Mill Creamy Wheat Farina ("You eat wheat?!?! Don't you know that eating grains causes inflammation, ruins your digestion and is really bad for you?)  ("Is that wheat whole grain?  You really should only eat whole grains.)  ("That sounds so nice.  I love how content I feel after eating a bowl of hot cereal on a cold day.  It reminds me of when I was a kid and my mom made hot cereal for us in the winter.")

I get out my organic raisins.  ("You are mixing fruit and grains?  Don't you know that you should always eat fruit first thing in the morning and *then* eat your cereal?")  ("Organic is good!  Got to avoid those pesticides.  But where are they from, are they local?")  ("Raisins?  Ick!! Raisins look like bugs in my cereal.  I can't believe you like raisins.")

Once my creamy wheat is cooked to the point of being creamy, I add in some butter.  ("Butter?  Is it organic?  Is it local?")  ("Animal fats are really good for you, since you're a vegetarian it's good that you eat butter.")  ("Butter?  Don't you know that butter leads to high cholesterol?" )  ("Butter?  Why would you add fat to such a great low fat food?")

And then I add a touch of soymilk.  ("Seriously?  You still drink soymilk?  Haven't read the studies?  Soymilk is so bad for you!  Have you considered raw cow milk?")  ("I love soymilk on my cereal.  It makes me so happy to know that I am not supporting the veal industry, and it's good for me, too.")  ("Soymilk?  Have you considered a nut milk?  Or maybe hemp?  That would be so much better for your body.")

Finally, I sprinkle the top with brown sugar.  ("Refined sugar?  You eat grains and refined sugar?!?! Do you want to end up with diabetes?  Don't know know that sugar destroys your immune system.  I seriously thought you were smarter than that!")  ("Have you considered honey?  Honey from local bees would be best.  And make sure it's raw.")  ("Oh yum, I love brown sugar!  I can eat it by the spoonful!")

And I sit down at the computer.  ("You eat at the computer?  Don't you know about mindful eating?")  ("You eat alone at the computer?  Don't you eat together as a family?  Families that eat together all the time have better relationships.")

And I enjoy eating my cereal.

I think about my friends for whom eating a bowl of wheat cereal would result in an immediate and unpleasant response in their bodies.  I think about how thankful I am that I have food to eat, raisins for my cereal and butter in the fridge.  I think about the people who would take my simple bowl of cereal, one meal on one day of my life, and turn it into something tragic, some horrific act against my health, a social cause and reason for political action, an excuse to get up on their soap box and bang on their pans (should those be aluminum free, cast iron, soap stone or stainless steel?)  And then there are those people who would barely give what I'm eating a second thought as they continued on with their own lives.

And I wonder.  Why is what I eat so important to you?  You probably don't even know me.  Why do you care so much about my bowl of hot cereal?  Does my way of eating threaten your way of eating?  Do you think that everyone on the planet should eat exactly like you do?   What button is my bowl of cereal pushing?  If you do know me well you might know that some days I do have green smoothies and some days I have a veggie omelet.  Some days I just eat fruit in the morning and some days I have a nice soothing bowl of creamy wheat farina.

May your pantry be full, your fridge over flowing and I hope you enjoy whatever you eat today.

Food as Love

Moms and food go together.  We imagine moms making chocolate chip cookies to go with the milk for the after school snack.  Jewish mothers, Italian mothers, and many others stereotypically encourage even their grown children to eat more.  Cooking food is how they show their love for you, eating more of what they cook is proof that you love them.  In some families dads and food go together, too.  Food is not just about calories and fuel for our bodies.  The messages that go into the bowl along with the soup are many and complex.

We have a particularly full figured cat.  He was large when we adopted him from the shelter and despite all efforts on my part he is still 20 pounds of food fixated feline.  Sometimes, when he is staring hopefully at me, while sitting attentively by his bowl, I sing him a song, 'Love is better than food, Love is better than food, Love is better than, Love is better than, Love is better than food."  But for him, and for many people, food is love.

I have watched people making my children food: special treats, family recipes, or something they are positive my children will not only like but love.  When my children do not like this food, specially prepared for them, the preparer takes it personally.  They are disappointed, but it is more than that, they feel rejected because their offering of food has been rejected.  Even if the person rejecting the food is three years old, even if the person rejecting the food does so politely.

Food is personal.  It is entangled with our culture, childhood, and our memories happy and sad.  In a world that can feel big and scary food can be a comfort.  We eat foods in hopes of preventing terrible diseases and we avoid foods because we believe they will cause us harm.  For some people food is the focus of their Fanaticism.  Food is also social, it brings people together and is shared at celebrations and holidays of all types.  For people who live with life threatening allergies or diseases like Celiac Disease, living a safe and healthy life among the other food eaters can be challenging and even dangerous.

No matter what our own relationship is with food, our children are born with their own particular set of taste buds, metabolism, sensitivities and tolerances.  Our children are born with their own preferences and those preferences expand as our children explore the world and try new things.  We can try and make our children eat according to our schedule and expectations, our own preferences and sensitivities.  We can try to brainwash our children so that they believe exactly the same things we do about food and nutrition and health.  We can try to control and manipulate our children's relationship with food.  On the other hand, we can accept our children for who they are.  We can respect that they are a different people than we are and what they eat, how and when they eat it, may be drastically different.  We can aim to be a Family of Connected Individuals in regards to food as well.  We can also remember that our children are going to be in the world, playing at friends' houses, going to school, visiting relatives, shopping in stores, and they are going to be exposed to a wide variety of foods, as well as a lot of different information and ideas about diet and nutrition.  They are going to have the opportunity to make choices about food, even if we never give them choices at home.

When we focus on our relationship with our children, instead of on their relationship with food; when we explore life, and food, along side of them as partners, we are available as a resource and a support system.  When we have a relationship built on trust and connection, our children know that they can come to us and discuss their thoughts and ideas without being judged, criticized or shamed.  When we can let go of our expectations our children are free to express what foods they like or do not like without fears of disappointing us or being forced to eat something.

As parents who love their children we want them to be healthy and we often jump right from that thought to food.  We are deeply invested in what they eat, how much they eat and when they eat.  Perhaps we are missing out on the importance of Why they eat.  Why do your kids eat what, how much and when they eat?  Do your kids eat because they are hungry?  Do your kids eat foods they enjoy?  Do your kids eat as much or as little as feels right to them at the time?  Or, do your kids eat because you have told them it is time to eat?  Do your kids eat foods because you told them that they have to, or because they want to please you?  Do your kids eat the amount you put on their plate because they know they have to eat it all?  Do your kids eat to please you?

When we focus on our relationship with our children, instead of on their relationship with food, we can share the joy and pleasure that food brings to our lives.  We can share our relationship with food with our children and they can share their relationship with food with us, an exchange of ideas and experiences.  Together we can learn and grow as a family with healthy relationships with food and with each other.

"What makes us fat is...."

It seems that everyone has some theory about what foods make us fat, which foods are evil, and what foods will cure every known illness.  The list of what not to eat keeps growing, as does the list of what you absolutely must eat if you are going to be healthy.  Most parents want their children to be healthy and often that includes not wanting their children to be fat.  Because of this parents often enforce  rules and restrictions about food, convinced that it is in the best interest of their children.  Parents may be completely unconditional and uncontrolling in every other area, but remain rigid and restrictive when it comes to food.

Recently a friend was posting gluten free recipes on facebook, which makes sense since she lives with Celiac Disease, and one of her friends asked if it was the flour, the gluten or the carbohydrates that make us fat. Well guess what?  Baring any real health issues, none of those things "make us fat."

Before I go any further let me point out that how much someone weighs is no indication of their level of health, fitness or happiness.  It is entirely possible to be a well rounded person and to be happier and healthier than a person who wears a size 0.

What should matter to us is whether or not our children have a healthy relationship with food.  The question "What food makes us fat?" is not the question I want to ask in relation to my own body or the bodies of my family.  I would rather ask:  What makes us feel good?  How does food bring us joy?  How do we ensure that our children have a healthy relationship with food?  The answer to that last question is Trust.  We must trust that our children know what is best for their bodies.  When we trust our children, we give them the space they need to learn about their own bodies and what their bodies need.  Our children will create their own relationships with food.  When we try and control that process we get in the way of their ability to know what they really need.  We cause them to doubt their own wisdom, we pass along our own food issues, we get in the way.  We must accept that different bodies need different foods.  We must remember that people have all different shaped bodies, and not hold one up as ideal or healthiest. When we explore life with our children we can be a resource of information, but we must be careful that we are giving them accurate information.  When it comes to food it can be hard to know what the truth is.  The best way to find out the truth about food is to try different things and pay attention to our bodies.  It may be true that if I eat 2 Red Vines I feel sick, but my daughter may be able to eat a whole package without feeling any affect.  When I tell my daughter,"If you eat more of those you will feel sick," I am telling her my truth.  However, if she eats more and does not feel sick then she knows that my truth is not her truth, and I become less trust worthy when it comes to providing information about food and its affects on her body.  It is more helpful when I say, "If I eat more than two I feel sick, how do they make you feel?"

When it comes to food, what are you afraid of?  Are you afraid that your children will get some terrible disease?  Are you worried about what the grandparents will say if your child tends to be chubby?  Are you afraid your children will have the same issues around food that you have, even as you are creating new food issues that your children will be struggling with their entire lives?  Fear makes our world smaller.  We need to embrace food as we embrace life.  We need to celebrate the joy and pleasure that comes from sharing food with our families.  We need to let go of our fears.  Look around you and notice what people are eating.  You will see that there are people living joyful lives eating all kinds of foods.  You will also notice that people who eat "healthy foods" get sick some times and people who eat "junk food" can be healthy.  You may notice that in families where children make their own choices about food those choices are diverse, nutritious and as individual as the children.

Remember: nothing is more important than your relationship with your children, and that includes food.  Your relationship with your child can directly impact their relationship with food.  Some people who have an unhealthy relationship with food do so because they learned to use food to self-sooth.  The struggle some adults have with food and weight can be a mirror of the struggles they faced in their childhood for acceptance and love, a reaction to the controls or restrictions adults placed on foods, or a response to the messages they received about their body shape or size.  Children who grow up with unconditional love, in a family with strong connections and trusting relationships, are more likely to have a healthy relationship with their body and with food.  Children in these families have been able to explore a variety of foods and eating patterns, listen to their bodies, and figure out what they need to eat to feel healthy.

If food is creating conflict or power struggles in your family think about the messages you are sending to your children.  Do you use guilt, fear, bribes or threats to get your children to eat what you think they should eat?  Are your children learning to listen to their bodies?  Are you telling them how food can make them fat and unhealthy, or are you supporting them in becoming healthy individuals who enjoy food?   Unless your child has a severe allergy or a serious health issue nothing they choose to eat is going to hurt them as much as the disconnect in your relationship that is caused when you try to control what they are eating.

Nothing is more important than your relationship with your children, and that includes food.

The gift we give our family

People are celebrating many different sacred days this time of year with diverse traditions.   Each family celebrating in their own way.  Through out the year we have different days that we hold sacred.  We create rituals that give those days special meaning and remind us of our blessings.  Birthdays, anniversaries of many different kinds, the passing of the seasons, and days that are holy or sacred give us times to reflect and remember, or rejoice and create new memories, with those we love.  In the end, a holiday is what you make of it, what meaning you give it, what traditions you choose to embrace and continue year after year.  Often the special days we celebrate involve giving and receiving gifts.

In my blog posts I often emphasize that everyone's needs are important and that the goal is to find ways to meet each person's needs.  Readers question if that is possible.  They ask if it's true that my own needs are met while I'm busy meeting the needs of everyone else.  There are two ways to answer the question, both feel equally true in my life.  The first answer is no, my needs are not always met.  I live with three children and a chronically ill husband who works a job he is good at, but a job that is exhausting and takes most of his functional energy.  It is a meaningful job, but not a high paying job, which means we have limited financial resources.  I live in a house populated with pets which are my responsibility.  There are times when my "what about me?!?" level starts to rise.  I begin to feel like all I do is meet the needs and expectations of my family.  From this perspective, no, my needs are not always met.  In fact, there are times when my needs don't even seem to matter.

The second answer is, meeting the needs of my family is meeting my needs.  I have chosen this life.  Every day I make the choice to get up and live a life of love with my family.  I can view meeting their needs as a gift, an expression of my love for them, a blessing to be shared with them, and a blessing that I am able to live this life with them each day.  I also know that while our needs are equally important, I have an ability to delay gratification, to know that my needs will get met eventually, that my children may still be developing.

Meeting the needs of my family can feel like a burden or a gift, it depends on my focus and perspective.  When The laundry and dishes and clutter start to pile up and feelings of resentment that I am the one responsible for doing everything start to build in my mind nothing has really changed but my mind state.  If I'm not paying attention, soon I am banging about in the kitchen, grumbling under my breath, snapping at whomever dares ask me for one more thing.  Then I feel angry with myself for being so hateful.  My emotional and mental state become increasingly volatile.  My family vanishes into various bedrooms and I am left alone to get myself back on track.  When I remember to pay attention I can catch myself before my mind state deteriorates.  When I'm paying attention, I have the ability to know when one of my needs cannot wait or when my mind is turning wants into needs.

As I wrote previously, "There's a kind of parental enlightenment that we can attain. It is easier for some people than for others, but for most of us it does take practice. When we reach this state of parental enlightenment our day to day life may be the same (though it will probably feel easier and may actually be easier) but our attitude changes. We still spend our days meeting our children's needs, making food, cleaning up messes. The difference is that we now do these same things from a place of joy, as a gift to our children, instead of from a place of resentment and frustration." (The Parental Practice)

Our family's life together is what we make of it, what meaning we give it, what traditions we choose to embrace and continue year after year.  We can built rituals and reminders into our days that help us stay focused on the gift we give our family when we meet their needs.  We can cultivate joy in the small gifts of love that we offer each day when we make our children a snack, read them a book or listen to them with our full attention.  We can remember that the years we have living together with our children are often a small portion of our lifetime, and in the future there will most likely by plenty of time for our own needs to be met.  We can remember that making our relationships with our children a priority is a gift we give them and ourselves; a gift that will affect our future, their future and generations not yet born.

Be Kind To Everyone

We were buying sneakers for our younger two girls.  We found cute pairs for each of them and we had a coupon that made them more affordable, but the reality was that buying anything right then felt like spending too much money.  When I handed the cashier the coupon she asked me to wait a minute, I smiled and said, "O.K." When she returned she had another coupon that gave me an additional 20% off.

This was not a random act of kindness on her part.  I know the main cashiers at the U-scan checkout at our grocery store by name.  They know my name, too.  One even calls my husband "Mr. Jenna."  I have seen pictures of their grand babies and I know about their tough times, and illnesses.  Because I have taken the time to cultivate a relationship with them, because I have been kind to them, they do what they can to be kind in return. 

I am not advocating being kind because you might get something in return, though sometimes it does work out that way.  I am advocating being kind because we all have our struggles.  We may look at someone else and think that they have it so easy.  We may envy their supportive relatives, their income, their beautiful house, their above average children, or their marriage.  It is easy to think that other people have it better than we do, but in the end, we all have challenges in our lives.  I also advocate being kind because it is through our kindness that our children experience kindness.

Being kind to everyone includes being kind to our children, our partners, and ourselves.  Kindness begins at home.  When children live in a world of kindness they internalize being kind, they understand that when someone is kind to you it feels warm and fuzzy, and they understand that when you are kind to someone else you both feel blessed.  Children who experience kindness and respect in their homes are more likely treat others they meet with kindness and respect.

If we grew up without consistent kindness in our lives we may struggle with being kind to ourselves.  If we verbally berate ourselves in front of our children when we do something wrong this increases the chance that they will do the same thing.  If we are critical of the product of our own efforts, a craft project, the dinner we made or our ability to keep the house clean, our children may rightfully assume that we will be critical of their efforts as well.  If people in our own childhood did not regularly model kindness we may have to practice being kind until it becomes our first response.  

Metta is Buddhist loving-kindness meditation.  The practice involves first directing loving-kindness towards yourself and then gradually expanding outward until you are directing loving-kindness towards all living things.  Studies show that Metta practice actually changes your brainwaves.  It not only boosts positive emotions, it can also improve your health, decrease your pain and help you feel more connected to others.  If you are interested in learning more about Loving-kindness meditation Gregory Kramer's "Loving Kindness for Children" is a place to start.

In my life I try to be kind to everyone.  Sometimes I fall short, but that's my goal.  Be kind to everyone.  When we start with being kind to ourselves, we can then expand our kindness outward to our partner, our children, our extended family and eventually to all living things.  When we are kind to everyone we strengthen connections and relationships.  When we are kind to everyone the blessing of kindness is shared.  When I am kind to my children we both benefit, and so might other people who witness the kindness of our interactions. 

“This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”  

Dalai Lama

Family Time

I've been hearing a lot about "family time" from my children lately.  Mostly along the lines of their friends not being able to play or hang out because families were having "family time."  I think families spending time together is great!  I love it when my husband and children are with me and we are enjoying time together.  Families who have activities that they all enjoy doing are fortunate in that they have a natural way to spend time together.  Creating family traditions, such as game or movie night, can be a lot of fun.  If you are big fan of "family time" I ask you to remember this: nothing is more important than your relationship with your children, not even family time.

Being respectful of our children involves respecting their individual preferences or needs for social interaction.  This includes time spent together as a family.  It also involves understanding that as our children are progressing on their path to adulthood there may be times when they need more time alone or with their friends.   Parents who do not employ manipulations such as praise, punishment, withdrawal of affection, shamming or guilt trips, are more likely to have a connection with their children that in turn makes their children more likely to choose to spend time with their family.

Family time that is designated as such by parents, with mandatory attendance, may be an effort by the parents to create connection and develop a pattern of spending time together that will last for generations.  However, family time of this variety often creates feelings of resentment and frustration.  Instead of strengthening the family connection it can instead cause conflict and become a trigger for yelling, threats and punishment.  For more on triggers, read Here.    When negative feelings build up about family time children end up looking forward to the day when they have control over their lives and can choose to spend as little time with the family as possible.  Your child may not be showing how they feel about mandatory time spent together.  It is possible that what your child is expressing on the outside is not really how they are feeling on the inside.  If you think your child doesn't mind family time, reread my blog post "My child doesn't mind."

Spending time together as a family can be fun, heart warming, cozy, silly, relaxing and wonderful.  However, when it becomes something our children are required to do, instead of something they are choosing to do, the possibility for negative effects on our family relationships increases dramatically.  When family time becomes more important than our children we have lost focus of our priorities.  What we should aim for is A Family of Connected Individuals.

Family time may be held up as an ideal, something that good families have on a regular basis.  The reality may be that for your family having each parent spend time one on one with each child is a better way to build connection.  Spending time in different combinations of family members instead of all together is also a possibility.  Letting go of your own need for enforced family time may open the door to new and wonderful ways for your family to connect.  Your child will most likely feel more connected to you when you cheerfully kiss them goodbye, as they head out the door to hang out with friends, then they will spending several hours together during mandatory family time.  When you shift your focus from family time to the relationships in your family you will experience a greater love, joy and connection when you are together, and when you are apart.

"Problem Behaviors"

Someone contacted my husband asking if he would be willing to help them with their child's problem behaviors.  When I mentioned this to my 14 year old daughter she laughed.  Then she said something like, "To us the solution is so obvious."  And what was the solution that was so obvious to a teenager?  The child had needs that weren't being met.  As I have written before, meeting the needs of children is the Easy Button of Parenting.

When parents seek help for their children's "problem behaviors" what they are really asking for is a way to make the behaviors stop.  When parents focus on the behavior, instead of on their children, the solution is often staring them in the face unnoticed.  On the other hand, some parents know what the solution is, but they are not willing to acknowledge it because meeting the needs of their children may seem daunting, inconvenient, or require them to make changes in their life.  We must remember that we chose to be parents and we made a commitment to our children.  When they are young, our children are completely dependent upon us to meet their needs.  While our needs are important, we have a greater number of resources, and that includes the ability to delay gratification.  Yes, our needs are equally important, but if we are not willing and able to occasionally put our children's needs ahead of our own then perhaps we should reconsider being a parent.

If you are struggling with "problem behaviors" start by asking yourself, "What does my child need and how can I meet those needs?"    Be honest about what needs are going unmet even if you are not sure how to meet them or it seems the only way to meet them will be drastic changes in your life.  If you need help identifying needs that need meeting reread this blog post.  Also ask yourself if you are truly accepting and embracing your child.  Notice if you say things like, "I love my kid, but I wish he wasn't so loud."  "She's a great kid but she won't sit still for school/church/meals."  "Why can't he be tidier, like his brother?"   Perhaps the problem is not with the behaviors.  Perhaps the problem with with your attitude about the behaviors.

Remember that there is a reason for your child's behavior.  Usually the behavior is an attempt to get their needs met to the best of their ability.  If you are proactively meeting your child's needs your child will not have to resort to "problem behaviors" in an effort to get your attention and get their needs met.  If you stop a behavior without meeting the underlying need you are creating an unhealthy situation for your child.  Your child may bottle up their emotions only to have them erupt in anger, depression, or physical illness later in their life.  Your child may find other people to meet their needs, not always in healthy ways.  Your child may develop learned helplessness: they know their needs aren't going to be met so they give up trying.  See "My child doesn't mind" for more on learned helplessness. 

When you find yourself thinking that your child has problem behaviors unhook yourself from the thought that you need to stop the behavior.  Try looking at life through your child's eyes.  Approach your child with unconditional love and compassion, and find ways to connect with your child.  Include your child in figuring out what their needs are and how their needs can be met.  Remind yourself that nothing is more important than your relationship with your child, and that includes stopping "problem behaviors."

You'd better watch out...

It's the holiday season.  There are many special days celebrated this month by our friends and family.  Magic is in the air.  It is often with joy and excitement that friends and families get together to exchange gifts, eat food and share their traditions.  It is also a the season of increased financial stress, over stimulated children, and exhausted parents.  For many children their happiness and wonder is tempered by a subtle but ever present threat that they had better be good.  For some kids there is an increased harshness of parenting that darkens their month of December.

"If you don't stop that right now Santa is not going to bring you any presents!"
"Santa has spies everywhere and they know if you are being good or bad."
"Do that again and I'll take all your presents back to the store!"
"Santa only brings presents to good children, so you obviously aren't getting any presents this year."
"You don't deserve any presents."

I'll admit to having been one of those parents who sang "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good....." under my breath as a not so subtle reminder to my small children that they were not behaving in a way worthy of Santa's gifts.

"Worthy of gifts."  My perspective and my parenting have changed a lot since then.  Being worthy of gifts is not a concept that fits with unconditional parenting.  My children are worthy just the way they are.  My children do not have to earn gifts through good behavior anymore than they have to earn my love.  Gifts are given because the giving brings all of us joy.

When I go back and reread my blog post "How we live at our house" I am reminded that the idea of using Santa to guilt trip our children into behaving the way we want them to is completely counter to our principles: "We do not control our children. We do not use rewards or punishment, we do not threaten or bribe. We do not use love, praise, negative attention, disapproval, or the withdrawal of love and positive attention, to manipulate our children's behavior."

When parents choose to use Santa as the bully who keeps their kids inline they are missing out on the joy of the holiday season.  And sadly some children who have been bullied this way will grow up and decide to avoid having Santa in the lives of their children because of the painful memories he evokes.  Some parents will also tell you that they don't "do Santa" because they don't lie to their children.  If you have read my blog for a while you know that I do not in any way advocate lying to children.  I believe that families should be built on trust, honesty and respect.  However, I do feel that it is possible to keep the magic of the holiday season alive without ending up with children who feel betrayed.*

In our house we believe in Santa.  We also believe in fairies and dragons.  Actually, I think we may believe in fairies and dragons to a greater degree than we believe in Santa.  My children enjoy sharing these beliefs and the magic involved.  If my children ask me if I believe in Santa I explain that I do believe in Santa, but that I don't think Santa is actually like he is portrayed in movies or commercials.  I talk about the spirit of the holidays versus an actual person.  My oldest daughter loves to help create the magic for her younger sisters.  I am also open to changing our approach to Santa's role in our holiday celebrations if that becomes necessary.

Each family must have holiday traditions that meet the needs of their family members.  No matter what your spiritual path, examining the traditions that have been passed down for generations is valuable and necessary.  Just because "it has always been done this way" does not mean that you have to keep doing it that way.  Traditions are not more important than your relationship with your children.

This season watch out for traditions that are causing tension in your family.  Be aware of how the extra activities and stimulation affect you and your children.  Be prepared to meet the needs of your children and to put their needs above everything else, including the expectations you or your extended family may have regarding holiday traditions and the behavior of children.  Embrace the joy of the season.  Look at the holidays through the eyes of your children.  Find new ways to celebrate that make room for energy and excitement instead of smothering them in the name of tradition.

*Update 2013:  As a parent you learn a lot along the way. Sometimes the ideas that you feel confident about, the things you Know, end up in the graveyard of Truths Proven Wrong. My statement in this post, "However, I do feel that it is possible to keep the magic of the holiday season alive without ending up with children who feel betrayed" is among those ideas in my life.

I did end up with a child who was devastated the year that she came back down stairs, after we thought she was in bed for the night, while we were hanging up stockings. She loved the magic of Santa Claus and had a special relationship with the Tooth Fairy, and if one wasn't real the other wasn't either. My desire to keep the magic alive for her back fired, and she still has sad and angry feelings about it a couple years later. It is my hope that as the years pass she'll see that my intentions were good and she'll feel better about stockings and filling them with the spirit of the holidays. Perhaps I should have been more straight forward when she asked tentative questions about mythical/fictional characters, even though I could tell she wasn't sure she wanted to hear the truth. She was going to be sad at some point, finding out that the stories she loved were made up, not real, and she enjoyed the years of believing, which makes me think that I wouldn't do much differently if I could do it all again.

Parenting is like that, a lot. You do the best you can, you learn from your mistakes, and you realize that there isn't always a way to avoid heartache and sadness. And when heartache and sadness arrive you respond with compassion and understanding, apologizing for any part you played in the situation, and validate the feelings of everyone involved.

"Unnecessary risk"

"If I did say yes, I would be awake the whole time.I would likely just worry about tired drivers, distracted teens behind the wheel, other people leaving bars and driving, carjacking and a host of other scenarios that would sound to my teen like I was trying to be a killjoy. But there are things that are just more dangerous in the middle of the night. Not to mention the environmental impact of driving around in a gas-guzzling van for fun.It all seems like an unnecessary risk to me." 

Someone left the above comment anonymously on my "Real Trust - no strings attached" post.  For the past week I have been mulling over the idea of "unnecessary risk."  What is unnecessary risk?  Who gets to decide what qualifies as unnecessary risk?  What is unnecessary risk for one person may be a whole lot of fun for another person.  It seems that to a certain degree increased risk taking equals a more meaningful life. 

We drove to my in-laws for Thanksgiving.  The roads were snow packed and icy.  For me, driving on icy roads qualifies as unnecessary risk.  However, it was very important to the grandparents and the children that we visit.  We discussed the risks.  We checked the road reports and the weather forecast.  My in-laws offered to rent a more reliable vehicle that would fit the chains we had in the garage.  For me it was an unnecessary risk, but for the rest of my family it was acceptable risk.  I took every step possible to increase my comfort level.  We drove a rental, carried chains, had blankets and water in the car and my husband drove.  Fortunately my husband is an experienced winter driver, having driven the passes between Montana and Washington a ridiculous number of times during his college years.  We made the drive safely.  We had a wonderful visit.  The girls were thrilled to be able to go sledding.  When it was time to return home the forecast was calling for freezing rain and the road conditions were dangerous.  We decided that it was too risky.  We called our pet sitter and made arrangements to stay for another day.  When we did head home, the roads were clear of all ice and snow. 

In families different members may have very different levels of comfort with risk.  We must be respectful of the differences and be willing to explore creative solutions so that everyone is comfortable with any potential risk.  When we have a child whose comfort with risk far exceeds our own we may find ourselves grasping for control when we need to let go.  Our relationship with our child can help us find peace in this situation.  When we have a connected relationship, with a firm foundation of trust, our child will more likely be sensitive to our feelings of discomfort and be open to information we may provide about potential consequences of taking any particular risk.  This does not mean that our child will never take risks that make us nervous.  It does not mean that our children should avoid risks that we think are unnecessary to make us more comfortable.  We should not distort facts or guilt our children into staying inside our comfort zone.  If my child is comfortable with a risk I do everything possible to support them in taking that risk.  I do my best to avoid inflicting my children with my fears.  See "Fears- yours, not theirs."  If I have serious concerns about a particular risk I may ask my children if they will do things to help me feel more comfortable, but I need to remember that the decision is theirs to make.  When my daughter is with her friends I know she is only a text away if she needs support or I want to touch base.  If a child wants to slide down the stairs in a sleeping bag I suggest we put pillows at the bottom.  And sometimes I just have to let go and trust that my child knows her own abilities.  My middle child should go ahead and stand on the sled as she goes down the hill.  It's completely within her comfort zone, even though it's outside my own.  As the other people who commented on the "Real Trust" post pointed out, your children are going to make their own decisions and take risks.  As your children grow older, your relationship with them will determine whether you know about the risks they are taking.


People who take risks do amazing things with their lives.  It is often the people who have taken the biggest risks that we most admire.  People who go to the moon, climb tall mountains, travel the world, drop out of college to invent a computer, spend years writing novels while barely paying their bills, and auditioning repeatedly until they land their first big part, are the people we wish to emulate.

“The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.”

Leo F. Buscaglia

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” 

T.S. Eliot

“He who risks and fails can be forgiven. He who never risks and never fails is a failure in his whole being.”
Paul Tillich

Real Trust - no strings attached

It's around 1:00 a.m. and my 14 year old opens my bedroom door, waking me up.  A couple of her friends have asked if she can go drive around and listen to music with them.  I say yes.  I hear her head out the door a short time later and then I'm back to sleep.  I didn't hear her come back in, and when I woke up once during the wee hours I didn't go check her bed.

I didn't ask for details, I didn't tell her what time to be home.  I did tell her to get $5 out of her dad's wallet in case they stopped for food, and suggested the 24 hour grocery store up the road.  She had a wonderful time.  She spent an hour and a half with three of her friends, ages 15, 17 and 20.   They drove to the friends' house to pick up a few things and then they drove the long way back to our house, while listening to music.  No deviant behavior.  No scary risk taking.  Friends, hanging out, enjoying each others company.  At least one of teens' moms knew what was going on because they were using her van, with permission.  My husband was aware of the request to go out, but he went back to sleep and didn't find out any of the details until morning.

Could that happen at your house?  Would your teen trust you enough to ask if she could go out in the middle of the night with friends?  Would your teen not ask and not go out, know that interrupting your sleep and making such a request would result in yelling, scolding, or worse?  Would your teen not bother to ask and slip out for a few hours without your knowledge?  Would your teen tell you which friends he was really going to be with?  Would she provide a fictitious plan for where she was going in order to get permission to get out of the house?

When your teen wants to do anything with their friends at any time of day or night do they have to negotiate?  Do you need to have control over where they are going, what they are doing and who they are with?  Do they have to be back at a certain time, arbitrarily set by you?  Do you wait up until they get home, pacing the floor, waiting to give them hell if they walk in the door one minute late?  Do you tell them they have to earn your trust and that if they get home late that shows they can't be trusted?

If the above describes what goes on in your house then your teen already knows that you don't trust him.  Your teen is fully aware that you need to be in control and that you don't trust her to make good choices or be responsible without considerable input and manipulation on your part.  I described the consequences of that lack of trust very clearly in my post "What can your teen tell you?"  Your teen does not need to earn your trust.  Trust is the natural result of a respectful relationship and your unconditional love.  Teens who have a trusting relationship with the adults in their lives are teens who do not need to lie or sneak around behind their parents' back.  Teens and parents who have this kind of relationship do not argue because they do not grapple for power and control.  When my daughter asked to go out I could say yes because I not only trusted her, but I also trusted her friends.  I knew that her friends would be respectful of her feelings and would do everything in their power to return her home safely after their adventures.  I have a relationship with her friends, too.  I like her friends!  We are friends on facebook and we all watch Glee together on Tuesday nights.       

In my blog post "Trust" I wrote about trust in our relationships with our children from infancy onward.

In "The other side of trust" I wrote about how our children need to be able to trust us.

If trust is not a natural part of your relationship with your teen, or your children no matter what their ages, take a moment to click on those links and read more.

Summit on Learning at the White House

Dear Mr. President,

I have read books and articles about the problems with our country's approach to education.  I have taken my children out of the school system because it wasn't meeting their needs, and subsequently I have seen them blossom into life learners at home.  I have been learning more about how children learn.  The more I learn the more I wonder if you, and the people in Washington who affect school policy and funding, are paying attention.  Is anyone reading the research and studies about how children learn?  Is anyone considering how we could better meet the needs of our children, instead of trying to force our children to fit into an antiquated system?

It is time to change the starting point.  It is time to re-frame the questions being asked about education.  Instead of having schools scrambling to figure out how to get their students to score higher on tests it is time to ask a new question, "How can we support the natural curiosity and passion for learning in each child?"

Our country needs to stop focusing on reforming education and focus instead on supporting learning.  And that starts at the top.  It is time you held a Summit on Learning at the White House.  You need to bring together the brightest, most radical, most progressive minds who understand how children learn and how schools need to be changed - not reformed - so as to support learning.  The studies have already been completed, the facts are irrefutable.  Our current school system is not working and that has nothing to do with our children lacking ability, motivation or creativity.  It has nothing to do with a lack of funding.  Our current system works against children, not for or with children.  Until we support learning, until we create an environment that focuses on the needs of children and how children learn, our school system cannot be successful in supporting our children as they grow up to take their places in a rapidly changing world.

To assist you in planning the guest list for your Summit On Learning at the White House, here are some of the people with knowledge and ideas about learning that will benefit our children and our country:

Sir Ken Robinson: 
You can watch two of his talks on TED:
http://www.ted.com/talks/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html

Or watch one of his talks with animation, Changing Educational Paradigms :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDZFcDGpL4U&feature=share

Alfie Kohn:
http://www.alfiekohn.org/index.php

Peter Gray:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/freedom-learn/200909/our-social-obligation-toward-children-s-education-opportunities-not-coerci

Pat Farenga:
http://www.patfarenga.com/

John Taylor Gatto:
http://www.johntaylorgatto.com/


Sincerely,
Jenna Robertson

Triggers

At least one reader felt that my solution to yelling in my post "You can stop yelling at your children" was trite.  For parents who are just trying to get through the day any advice can sound unrealistic.  The feeling of "that's easy for you to say...." bubbles quickly to the surface.  My closing, "You can stop yelling at your children.  Start by focusing on your relationships, letting go of your expectations and meeting the needs of each family member" would have pushed my buttons when I was struggling through each day with three children ages 4 and under.  I would have told you that all I did was meet my family's needs: laundry, dishes, cooking, nursing, and changing diapers.  If you felt that way about the post, I hope you will go back to it and click on some of the links to past blogs.  The past blogs go into more detail and explain what I meant by focusing on relationships, and to which expectations and needs I was referring.

I would like to offer another key to ending the yelling and conflict in your home:  Identify and neutralize the Triggers.  What are topics that cause conflict?  What behaviors seem to trigger yelling?  Try paying attention to what causes you to yell, or starts you down the path towards conflict.  If you tend to get busy and forget what you are trying to paying attention to, write a note that says, "What are the triggers?" and put it on your refrigerator, mirror, back door, or where ever you will see it as you go about your daily activities.

Typical triggers are: bedtime, homework, chores, money, playing/hanging out with friends, clothes, shoes, hair, makeup, required family activities, food, sibling conflict, video games, television, computers and cell phones.

Once you have identified the triggers, neutralize them.  Neutralize them? What does that mean?  A trigger is something that initiates or causes a reaction.  In this case we are talking about something that causes us to react by yelling.  To neutralize them we have to take away their power.  We must find a way to stop letting them cause conflict in our relationships.  The quickest and easiest way to do this is to let go.  When you stop trying to have control over the trigger there will no longer be a reason to yell.  Make it your goal to parent through connection.  When you focus on connecting with your children instead of controlling them or their behaviors it allows you to focus on relationships.  You can step back and ask yourself, "What does my child need?"  "How can I meet my child's needs?"  "How is my behavior affecting my relationship with my child?"  When you live a life of mutual respect it makes time spent together as a family more peaceful.  When you have a relationship based on trust each family member can relax.  Each person isn't fighting to get their needs met, to get attention, to win approval, to feel loved.  Each person knows that they are loved and cherished unconditionally, they don't have to earn their place in the family.  Unconditional parenting involves love, respect, trust and communication.  It does not involve bribes, threats, punishments, discipline, time out, logical consequences, praise or shaming .  When you parent unconditionally the triggers are neutralized.  You are no longer telling your child that they must meet your expectations in order to earn your approval, appreciation or love.  When you let go of trying to control your child's behavior you can focus on loving your child and enjoying your life together.

If your parenting at this time involves bribes, threats, punishments, discipline, time out, logical consequences, praise or shaming, you need to understand that when you let go, when you embrace unconditional parenting, when you remove the expectations that your child previously was forced to meet, your child will most likely revel in this new freedom.  You must truly let go for the process of becoming a family of connection, respect and partnership to unfold.  Your child has to know the freedom is consistent, that you are not going to jerk back on the reins and punish them for their enthusiasm for this new way of life.  They must be free to say, "No" when you ask them to assist you with setting the table.  They must be free to make their own choices.  And the more you have been controlling the more dramatic the child's response to their new freedom may be, and the harder you are going to have to work at letting go and building the trust that has not been present in your relationship.  If you have been parenting through extreme control or manipulation, and depending on the age and personalities of your kids, it may be best if you let go of one area at a time.  At our house our children were older when we changed to unconditional parenting and it worked well for us to explain to our children how we were going to be parenting.  This freed them up from feeling confused when we completely changed our attitudes about things like candy and bedtimes.  It also allowed them to support us in our changes.  They could point out to us when we were slipping into old patterns.  When we were less than the parents we wanted to be they would tell us, "Your being conditional."  This was extremely helpful since we could change course right in that moment.

What are your triggers?

Do you yell at your children because they won't clean up their rooms?  Accept that the rooms are their space and it is their choice if they clean.  Ask them if they would like help cleaning, but the minute you start feeling tension creeping into the situation take a break, get a snack, go outside

Is your child refusing to go to bed at night?  Remove your expectations about bedtime and start looking at night time as a time to connect and enjoy quiet time together.  Read books, snuggle, watch a movie until they fall asleep.

Do you yell about homework?  Homework is not more important than your relationship with your child.  Visit Alfie Kohn's site to learn more about the realities of homework, or read his article on "Changing the Homework Default."

Do you yell about food?  Do you argue about how much your child should eat?  Shame them for eating too much?  Bribe them into eating more?  Fight about candy?  Read about my journey of letting go of candy in my post "I Love Candy." 


Read more about letting go of control  (and a whole lot more) at Joyce Fetteroll's site: Joyfullyrejoicing


And visit Sandra Dodd's page on Parenting Peacefully.