Your teens must know that they can tell you anything - ANYTHING - and you will respond with love and compassion. If you parent by controlling your teen's behavior through punishment, they will fear telling you the truth because they know the consequences. If you parent by controlling your teen's behavior through shaming, they will not tell you the truth because they risk humiliation. If you parent by controlling your teen's behavior through criticism, they will not tell you the truth because they risk judgment. If you parent in any way that fails to create a climate of trust, unconditional love and connection in your family then you are literally putting your teen's lives at risk.
If your teen is being bullied at school they need to feel safe telling you about their suffering. Would your daughter feel comfortable telling you that other girls are calling her a slut and spreading nasty rumors? Would your son be able to tell you that a couple boys ganged up on him in the locker room and gave him a wedgie? If your teen broached the subject and said she was being bullied would you discount or disregard what she said, or would you listen in a way that would support her in telling you more of the details?
If your teen goes to a friends house, the parents aren't home and the party gets uncomfortably rowdy, will your teen feel that she can call you to get a ride home? Does she know that you will not lecture her about her choices, ground her or yell at her all the way home?
If your teen is depressed can he tell you? Will you pass it off as typical teenage angst or will you take the time to get him the help he needs?
If your teen has questions about her sexuality, if your teen thinks he might be gay, if your teen feels different in some unexplainable way, can your teen come to you and talk it through without risking rejection, derision, harassment, or being made to feel unworthy of your love?
Can your teen tell you who he is, what her passions are, what he believes, what she wants to do with her life?
Or, do you constantly hold up your expectations of who your teen should be, reminding your teen that if she does not live up to your expectations she will be a disappointment and you will withdraw your approval and support?
Are you putting your teen's life at risk?
Teens are dying. They are dying because they feel isolated, bullied, depressed, hated, and unloved. They are dying because they do not feel safe in their communities, their schools and their homes. They are dying because they did not have the support and acceptance that they desperately needed. They are dying because the adults in their lives failed. Teachers, parents, spiritual leaders, politicians, grandparents, bus drivers, friends' parents, every adult in their life had an opportunity to be the person in their life who made a difference. Perhaps their parents were unwavering in their love and support but that was not enough because the other adults looked the other way. We must all take responsibility for supporting the teens in our community.
I cannot promise you that if you parent unconditionally, with respect and love, by putting your relationship first, that your teen will be just fine, that you can sit back and relax knowing that your teen will never commit suicide. However, I can tell you that nothing is more important than your relationship with your teen. I can tell you that if you make that relationship a priority in your life there is a much greater chance that you and your teen will come through these years alive.
Wrap your teens in unconditional love, and create a climate of respect and trust in your house so that they know you will be there for them no matter what. (If you are not sure what that means read "How we live at our house.") If something is causing conflict in your relationship ask yourself if it is more important than your teen's life. The answer to that should be easy: Nothing is more important than your teen's life.
For more on Trust and Teens read Here.
"Hopefully some day you will have a teenager"
For more on my relationships with teens read "I don't tattle."
For more on being trust worthy in our relationships read Here.
And my previous post on this subject "Tolerance vs Acceptance."
Other resources:
To Write Love on Her Arms
The Trevor Project
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Monday, October 25, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Conflict or Connection?
Where does conflict begin?
Sighing, eye rolling, and selective hearing. Feet planted, arms crossed, and scowling face.
Does this describe your kid?
Do you say any of the following:
"Don't you use that tone with me!"
"How many times do I have to tell you?"
"Weren't you listening?!"
"You can't always have what you want."
"That's not for you."
"Why can't you get it through your head..."
"Grow up!"
"Act your age!"
"Stop that Right Now!"
Sighing, eye rolling, and selective hearing. Feet planted, arms crossed, and scowling face. Parents do these things, too. We direct them at our children. Chances are that there are times when you send less than respectful, non-verbal messages to your children, when you are feeling annoyed or frustrated or worn thin. Why then do we feel justified in getting angry when our children do the exact same thing back? Our children who are new to this world, who have less experience coping, and many more frustrations than we are often willing to admit.
Now read the quotes again and imagine times when your child would have reason to say them back to you.
Getting back to the original questions, "Where does conflict begin?" Who actually creates the conflict? Most parents will point to the child. "My child won't do what I ask. He has a bad attitude." "My child needs to learn how to control her behavior." "My child can be very disrespectful."
Watch this interaction with me:
A mom is sitting in the shade watching her kids play at the beach. Her teenage daughter walks up and asks, "Mom, where's the sunscreen?"
The mom sighs loudly, "It's in the bag."
The daughter asks,"Where's the bag?"
The mom makes a face and points somewhere vaguely to her left, "It's over there."
The daughter is not sure where the bag is so she asks, "Will you get it for me?"
The mother snaps, "No! You can get it yourself."
The daughter still doesn't know where exactly the bag is and is feeling frustrated, a whining tone creeps into her voice, "But I don't know where it is."
The mom is clearly angry at the daughter now,"You need to stop it with the attitude!"
The daughter is upset, "Fine, I won't put on sunscreen."
To which her mom replies, "You can't go swimming without sunscreen."
Now it is the daughter's turn to sigh. The argument continues until the girl gives up and goes to search in the general direction of the bag with the sunscreen.
I didn't make this story up. The daughter wanted the sunscreen. That's a good thing, right? The mother was annoyed from the beginning of the interaction because of the inconvenience of having to answer a question. The girl was clearly uncomfortable wandering through a group of people trying to find the bag with the sunscreen. As soon as the girl was gone the mother smiled and started chatting with the woman next to her. It never crossed her mind that she could have gotten up, found the bag, offered to put sunscreen on her child and in the process connected with her teen daughter. Instead, the mother created the conflict, blamed it on the daughter, and they both ended up feeling irritated and unhappy. What a lovey day at the beach.
The next time there is conflict in your relationship with your child look at your body language. Are you open to conversation, are you willing to hear their perspective, are you showing them with your body that you want to hear what they have to say? What tone of voice are you using? Are you focusing on them and not your cell phone, or the computer, or another adult? Even if you are convinced that your child is the source of the conflict, ask yourself what you can do to connect with your child. What behavior on your part will help you both feel better in the situation? Who started the conflict is not nearly as important as finding a way to create connection. When we focus on finding solutions and meeting needs, instead of focusing on who is to blame, it becomes easier to find ways to connect with our children.
Sighing, eye rolling, and selective hearing. Feet planted, arms crossed, and scowling face.
Does this describe your kid?
Do you say any of the following:
"Don't you use that tone with me!"
"How many times do I have to tell you?"
"Weren't you listening?!"
"You can't always have what you want."
"That's not for you."
"Why can't you get it through your head..."
"Grow up!"
"Act your age!"
"Stop that Right Now!"
Sighing, eye rolling, and selective hearing. Feet planted, arms crossed, and scowling face. Parents do these things, too. We direct them at our children. Chances are that there are times when you send less than respectful, non-verbal messages to your children, when you are feeling annoyed or frustrated or worn thin. Why then do we feel justified in getting angry when our children do the exact same thing back? Our children who are new to this world, who have less experience coping, and many more frustrations than we are often willing to admit.
Now read the quotes again and imagine times when your child would have reason to say them back to you.
"Don't you use that tone with me!"
Do you use a sarcastic or sassy voice with your child?
Do you use a mean, harsh, threatening voice?
Do you speak to your child in a voice you would never use with another adult?
"How many times do I have to tell you?"
Does your child have to tell you over and over what they like and don't like?
Does your child have to remind you how to cut their sandwich or what shirt is their favorite? Does your child have to remind you that it hurts when you brush their hair?
"Weren't you listening?!"
Do you tune your child out?
Does your child start talking only to realize that you have glazed over
and are thinking about what's for dinner,
or the game you are playing on the computer,
or that vacation, without children, you want to take with your spouse?
"You can't always have what you want."
Do you insist that things go the way that you planned?
Do you get frustrated and angry
and let your children know about those feelings loud and clear
when you don't get what you want?
"That's not for you."
Do you lack respect for your child's personal property?
Do you invade your child's privacy?
Do you fail to recognize that children have special places or possessions
that are private and not for you?
"Why can't you get it through your head..."
Do you insist that you know what your child needs
even when they are trying to let you know that their needs are different?
Do you tell them to go to bed because they are tired,
when they know they aren't sleepy?
Do you tell them there is nothing to be afraid of,
when they know that their fear is real?
Do you tell them they need to sit still
when they really need to go run around outside?
Do you try and make them discuss
things when they really just need some time alone
to sort out how they feel?
"Grow up!"
Do you get tired or hungry or over stimulated and throw fits?
Do you yell and scream and stomp your feet?
Throw things?
"Act your age!"
Do you act less like an adult some times
and more like the child of your past
who didn't get their needs met?
"Stop that Right Now!"
Do you get into a project and ignore your children?
Do you ever just need a good cry?
(Imagine your child saying "Stop Crying Right NOW!")
Do you ever get really excited about something
and feel the need to jump up and down?
What about laughing so hard you just can't stop?
Do you use a sarcastic or sassy voice with your child?
Do you use a mean, harsh, threatening voice?
Do you speak to your child in a voice you would never use with another adult?
"How many times do I have to tell you?"
Does your child have to tell you over and over what they like and don't like?
Does your child have to remind you how to cut their sandwich or what shirt is their favorite? Does your child have to remind you that it hurts when you brush their hair?
"Weren't you listening?!"
Do you tune your child out?
Does your child start talking only to realize that you have glazed over
and are thinking about what's for dinner,
or the game you are playing on the computer,
or that vacation, without children, you want to take with your spouse?
"You can't always have what you want."
Do you insist that things go the way that you planned?
Do you get frustrated and angry
and let your children know about those feelings loud and clear
when you don't get what you want?
"That's not for you."
Do you lack respect for your child's personal property?
Do you invade your child's privacy?
Do you fail to recognize that children have special places or possessions
that are private and not for you?
"Why can't you get it through your head..."
Do you insist that you know what your child needs
even when they are trying to let you know that their needs are different?
Do you tell them to go to bed because they are tired,
when they know they aren't sleepy?
Do you tell them there is nothing to be afraid of,
when they know that their fear is real?
Do you tell them they need to sit still
when they really need to go run around outside?
Do you try and make them discuss
things when they really just need some time alone
to sort out how they feel?
"Grow up!"
Do you get tired or hungry or over stimulated and throw fits?
Do you yell and scream and stomp your feet?
Throw things?
"Act your age!"
Do you act less like an adult some times
and more like the child of your past
who didn't get their needs met?
"Stop that Right Now!"
Do you get into a project and ignore your children?
Do you ever just need a good cry?
(Imagine your child saying "Stop Crying Right NOW!")
Do you ever get really excited about something
and feel the need to jump up and down?
What about laughing so hard you just can't stop?
Getting back to the original questions, "Where does conflict begin?" Who actually creates the conflict? Most parents will point to the child. "My child won't do what I ask. He has a bad attitude." "My child needs to learn how to control her behavior." "My child can be very disrespectful."
Watch this interaction with me:
A mom is sitting in the shade watching her kids play at the beach. Her teenage daughter walks up and asks, "Mom, where's the sunscreen?"
The mom sighs loudly, "It's in the bag."
The daughter asks,"Where's the bag?"
The mom makes a face and points somewhere vaguely to her left, "It's over there."
The daughter is not sure where the bag is so she asks, "Will you get it for me?"
The mother snaps, "No! You can get it yourself."
The daughter still doesn't know where exactly the bag is and is feeling frustrated, a whining tone creeps into her voice, "But I don't know where it is."
The mom is clearly angry at the daughter now,"You need to stop it with the attitude!"
The daughter is upset, "Fine, I won't put on sunscreen."
To which her mom replies, "You can't go swimming without sunscreen."
Now it is the daughter's turn to sigh. The argument continues until the girl gives up and goes to search in the general direction of the bag with the sunscreen.
I didn't make this story up. The daughter wanted the sunscreen. That's a good thing, right? The mother was annoyed from the beginning of the interaction because of the inconvenience of having to answer a question. The girl was clearly uncomfortable wandering through a group of people trying to find the bag with the sunscreen. As soon as the girl was gone the mother smiled and started chatting with the woman next to her. It never crossed her mind that she could have gotten up, found the bag, offered to put sunscreen on her child and in the process connected with her teen daughter. Instead, the mother created the conflict, blamed it on the daughter, and they both ended up feeling irritated and unhappy. What a lovey day at the beach.
The next time there is conflict in your relationship with your child look at your body language. Are you open to conversation, are you willing to hear their perspective, are you showing them with your body that you want to hear what they have to say? What tone of voice are you using? Are you focusing on them and not your cell phone, or the computer, or another adult? Even if you are convinced that your child is the source of the conflict, ask yourself what you can do to connect with your child. What behavior on your part will help you both feel better in the situation? Who started the conflict is not nearly as important as finding a way to create connection. When we focus on finding solutions and meeting needs, instead of focusing on who is to blame, it becomes easier to find ways to connect with our children.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Trust
As children reaching their teenage years I notice parents grappling with the question of trust. When do I start trusting my child to.... be alone at the mall with friends, date, drive a car, manage their own money, decide what time to go to bed, be on the internet without me checking up on what they are doing, be responsible for their own homework????
Once again, I have come up with a different question. Why do we stop trusting our children? When our children are born we trust them. If they are screaming we trust that there is something wrong. We work to figure out what is wrong, what they know is wrong and are trying to communicate to get their needs met. We trust a baby to eat when it's hungry and sleep when it's tired.
For some parents the switch to not trusting their child comes very early. They put their trust in the experts or a grandparent or a doctor or a friend instead of their child. These other people who may never have even seen this baby, much less held him and soothed him and looked into his eyes, know more about what this baby needs than the baby could possibly know. They know more than his parents. These very parents who could be learning from their baby, growing in their understandings of his communication and needs and desires, stop trusting him to let them know what he needs. The parents are convinced that the baby needs a feeding schedule and a sleeping schedule and to learn how to sleep alone in his own bed. They ignore their hearts and leave him in a dark room crying. The baby is learning. The baby is learning that he may be hungry but he can't eat until someone else says it's time. That what his body is telling him is not valid. "You can't be hungry already, you just ate 2 hours ago. You need to learn to eat every 4 hours." He is learning that when he is in a dark room scared, or with a gas bubble in his tummy, or just needing the comfort of his parent's heart beat, that using his only form of communication isn't going to work and so he stops trying to get his needs met. He learns that his needs are not as important as other people's in the family. He learns helplessness, not that he can listen to his own body, know what he needs, communicate those needs and someone will pay attention and meet them the best they can right then.
For other parents it happens when their baby starts to explore the world. The baby learns by touching and feeling and putting things in her mouth. The parents start trying to control their child in an effort to make their own life easier or because they think that making a 10 month old behave a certain way will determine his future. "I know you want out of your bouncy seat, but you can wait until I'm done on the computer. Why are you so fussy? " "You dropped your toy and I'm tired of picking it up so you can't have it again until tomorrow." "Eat your food, don't play with it!" The urge to control their child and determine what she needs grows as the child becomes more eager to explore. "You need to eat your peas before you can have any yummy bananas." "It's nap time right now. You have to stay on your bed until I come get you." "We are going to sit in this bathroom until you pee in the potty."
And from there it grows. Parents tell their kids what to eat, when to eat, when to sleep, where to sleep, and often what to wear and what to do as well. Then the parents often step back and trust the school system to take over for a large portion of the day. In school a child is told what to do all day long: when to read, when to talk, when not to talk, when to sit, when to stand, when to eat, when it's possible to go to the bathroom, who they can sit next to, who they will work with, even when to sing and when not to sing. Schools even tell a child when to learn. However, children are learning all the time. At school children are learning to listen to all the outside voices. Their own inner voice that tells them what they need grows so quiet that most of the time they don't even know they have needs anymore. And if they do still listen to their inner voice and try to get their needs met, chances are they will end up in trouble for being disruptive or disrespectful or not following the rules.
What would happen if we never stopped trusting our kids? What would happen if supporting them in getting their needs met was the most important job in our life?
Imagine infants who ate when they were hungry and slept when they were tired and were comforted by the presence of their parents. Toddlers with parents who made their world as safe as possible so that they were free to explore and see just how high they could climb, knowing their parents were right there to catch them. Imagine toddlers who were provided with a wide variety of foods to eat and who were supported in eating what they wanted when they wanted to eat. Children know what they need. It's been proven with studies if you are the kind of person who needs a scientist to tell you something is true. If you don't control a child's food choices, or their eating patterns, they will grow up eating the fuel their bodies need. Did you know that anorexia isn't really about body image? It's about control, and not just control relating to food. What if we never stopped trusting our children?
Imagine children who still recognized their own needs and trusted that those needs could be met. If we trust our children to know what they need, and support them in getting their needs met from birth, the trust grows as the child grows. The child's ability to know what they need grows and their ability to get their needs met grows. When we trust that our child is growing and learning in the way that is best for them the child feels this and doesn't have to feel uncomfortable in their own skin.
Fast forward to the teenage years, w/ lots of years of learning and support and trust preceding them. Teenagers who have a relationship with their parents built on trust, not on control, look different from what you are told to expect a teenager to be. These teenagers know that people's needs are important and support others in getting needs met just as they have been supported. These teenagers don't have to fight for control of their lives. No one else has been controlling them. These teenagers know what is best for them because they've spent the last 13 or more years learning what works for them and what doesn't, figuring out what their needs are and how to get those needs met, learning and growing as they were ready. They haven't been pushed to grow up or held back and told they weren't ready. They have been learning and growing with lots of love and support and trust. Their parents will never have to ask other parents "when should I trust my child to go to the movies alone with a friend?" Actually, their teen probably brought that up first. "Mom, I'd like to go to the movies with my friends. I think I'm ready to do that." Or, as just happened in my house, they may actually enjoy having their dad at the movies along with their friend.
Once again, I have come up with a different question. Why do we stop trusting our children? When our children are born we trust them. If they are screaming we trust that there is something wrong. We work to figure out what is wrong, what they know is wrong and are trying to communicate to get their needs met. We trust a baby to eat when it's hungry and sleep when it's tired.
For some parents the switch to not trusting their child comes very early. They put their trust in the experts or a grandparent or a doctor or a friend instead of their child. These other people who may never have even seen this baby, much less held him and soothed him and looked into his eyes, know more about what this baby needs than the baby could possibly know. They know more than his parents. These very parents who could be learning from their baby, growing in their understandings of his communication and needs and desires, stop trusting him to let them know what he needs. The parents are convinced that the baby needs a feeding schedule and a sleeping schedule and to learn how to sleep alone in his own bed. They ignore their hearts and leave him in a dark room crying. The baby is learning. The baby is learning that he may be hungry but he can't eat until someone else says it's time. That what his body is telling him is not valid. "You can't be hungry already, you just ate 2 hours ago. You need to learn to eat every 4 hours." He is learning that when he is in a dark room scared, or with a gas bubble in his tummy, or just needing the comfort of his parent's heart beat, that using his only form of communication isn't going to work and so he stops trying to get his needs met. He learns that his needs are not as important as other people's in the family. He learns helplessness, not that he can listen to his own body, know what he needs, communicate those needs and someone will pay attention and meet them the best they can right then.
For other parents it happens when their baby starts to explore the world. The baby learns by touching and feeling and putting things in her mouth. The parents start trying to control their child in an effort to make their own life easier or because they think that making a 10 month old behave a certain way will determine his future. "I know you want out of your bouncy seat, but you can wait until I'm done on the computer. Why are you so fussy? " "You dropped your toy and I'm tired of picking it up so you can't have it again until tomorrow." "Eat your food, don't play with it!" The urge to control their child and determine what she needs grows as the child becomes more eager to explore. "You need to eat your peas before you can have any yummy bananas." "It's nap time right now. You have to stay on your bed until I come get you." "We are going to sit in this bathroom until you pee in the potty."
And from there it grows. Parents tell their kids what to eat, when to eat, when to sleep, where to sleep, and often what to wear and what to do as well. Then the parents often step back and trust the school system to take over for a large portion of the day. In school a child is told what to do all day long: when to read, when to talk, when not to talk, when to sit, when to stand, when to eat, when it's possible to go to the bathroom, who they can sit next to, who they will work with, even when to sing and when not to sing. Schools even tell a child when to learn. However, children are learning all the time. At school children are learning to listen to all the outside voices. Their own inner voice that tells them what they need grows so quiet that most of the time they don't even know they have needs anymore. And if they do still listen to their inner voice and try to get their needs met, chances are they will end up in trouble for being disruptive or disrespectful or not following the rules.
What would happen if we never stopped trusting our kids? What would happen if supporting them in getting their needs met was the most important job in our life?
Imagine infants who ate when they were hungry and slept when they were tired and were comforted by the presence of their parents. Toddlers with parents who made their world as safe as possible so that they were free to explore and see just how high they could climb, knowing their parents were right there to catch them. Imagine toddlers who were provided with a wide variety of foods to eat and who were supported in eating what they wanted when they wanted to eat. Children know what they need. It's been proven with studies if you are the kind of person who needs a scientist to tell you something is true. If you don't control a child's food choices, or their eating patterns, they will grow up eating the fuel their bodies need. Did you know that anorexia isn't really about body image? It's about control, and not just control relating to food. What if we never stopped trusting our children?
Imagine children who still recognized their own needs and trusted that those needs could be met. If we trust our children to know what they need, and support them in getting their needs met from birth, the trust grows as the child grows. The child's ability to know what they need grows and their ability to get their needs met grows. When we trust that our child is growing and learning in the way that is best for them the child feels this and doesn't have to feel uncomfortable in their own skin.
Fast forward to the teenage years, w/ lots of years of learning and support and trust preceding them. Teenagers who have a relationship with their parents built on trust, not on control, look different from what you are told to expect a teenager to be. These teenagers know that people's needs are important and support others in getting needs met just as they have been supported. These teenagers don't have to fight for control of their lives. No one else has been controlling them. These teenagers know what is best for them because they've spent the last 13 or more years learning what works for them and what doesn't, figuring out what their needs are and how to get those needs met, learning and growing as they were ready. They haven't been pushed to grow up or held back and told they weren't ready. They have been learning and growing with lots of love and support and trust. Their parents will never have to ask other parents "when should I trust my child to go to the movies alone with a friend?" Actually, their teen probably brought that up first. "Mom, I'd like to go to the movies with my friends. I think I'm ready to do that." Or, as just happened in my house, they may actually enjoy having their dad at the movies along with their friend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)