What can your teen tell you?

Your teens must know that they can tell you anything - ANYTHING - and you will respond with love and compassion.  If you parent by controlling your teen's behavior through punishment, they will fear telling you the truth because they know the consequences.  If you parent by controlling your teen's behavior through shaming, they will not tell you the truth because they risk humiliation.  If you parent by controlling your teen's behavior through criticism, they will not tell you the truth because they risk judgment.   If you parent in any way that fails to create a climate of trust, unconditional love and connection in your family then you are literally putting your teen's lives at risk.

If your teen is being bullied at school they need to feel safe telling you about their suffering.  Would your daughter feel comfortable telling you that other girls are calling her a slut and spreading nasty rumors?  Would your son be able to tell you that a couple boys ganged up on him in the locker room and gave him a wedgie?  If your teen broached the subject and said she was being bullied would you discount or disregard what she said, or would you listen in a way that would support her in telling you more of the details?

If your teen goes to a friends house, the parents aren't home and the party gets uncomfortably rowdy, will your teen feel that she can call you to get a ride home?  Does she know that you will not lecture her about her choices, ground her or yell at her all the way home?

If your teen is depressed can he tell you?  Will you pass it off as typical teenage angst or will you take the time to get him the help he needs?

If your teen has questions about her sexuality, if your teen thinks he might be gay, if your teen feels different in some unexplainable way, can your teen come to you and talk it through without risking rejection, derision, harassment, or being made to feel unworthy of your love?

Can your teen tell you who he is, what her passions are, what he believes, what she wants to do with her life?
Or, do you constantly hold up your expectations of who your teen should be, reminding your teen that if she does not live up to your expectations she will be a disappointment and you will withdraw your approval and support?

Are you putting your teen's life at risk?

Teens are dying.  They are dying because they feel isolated, bullied, depressed, hated, and unloved.  They are dying because they do not feel safe in their communities, their schools and their homes.  They are dying because they did not have the support and acceptance that they desperately needed.  They are dying because the adults in their lives failed.  Teachers, parents, spiritual leaders, politicians, grandparents, bus drivers, friends' parents, every adult in their life had an opportunity to be the person in their life who made a difference.  Perhaps their parents were unwavering in their love and support but that was not enough because the other adults looked the other way.  We must all take responsibility for supporting the teens in our community. 

I cannot promise you that if you parent unconditionally, with respect and love, by putting your relationship first, that your teen will be just fine, that you can sit back and relax knowing that your teen will never commit suicide.  However, I can tell you that nothing is more important than your relationship with your teen.  I can tell you that if you make that relationship a priority in your life there is a much greater chance that you and your teen will come through these years alive.

Wrap your teens in unconditional love, and create a climate of respect and trust in your house so that they know you will be there for them no matter what.  (If you are not sure what that means read "How we live at our house.")   If something is causing conflict in your relationship ask yourself if it is more important than your teen's life.  The answer to that should be easy: Nothing is more important than your teen's life.




For more on Trust and Teens read Here. 


"Hopefully some day you will have a teenager"


For more on my relationships with teens read "I don't tattle." 


For more on being trust worthy in our relationships read Here.


And my previous post on this subject "Tolerance vs Acceptance."



Other resources:

To Write Love on Her Arms 

The Trevor Project

Hopefully some day you will have a teenager

Last night my daughter asked, "Why do people have kids if they are just going to spend their lives arguing with them?"
Why do people have kids? There are as many answers to that as there are people, however, most people don't say, "I want to have kids so we can argue." Actually, while people may talk about having kids, they often end up saying, "I want to have a baby." They picture experiencing the joys of cuddling a baby and picking out cute baby clothes. Their minds may travel down the road to first words and first steps. Some prospective parents may dream as far down the road as block towers, tea parties, and cheering for their mini-soccer player. But that is as far as the fantasy of parenthood usually goes. Have you ever heard a couple say, "We've decided to have a teenager"? Fortunately, parenting is a journey. Starting with conception we are given time to learn and grow, as our child learns and grows. With the exception of parents who adopt older children or who come into a family that already has children, most of us do not jump into parenting mid-stream.

If you have a baby you will also, hopefully, have a teenager. Some people might sarcastically ask why anyone would hope for a teenager, but I assure you that the alternative is not something most parents like to contemplate, much less experience. Hopefully some day you will have a teenager. How do you feel when you think about your child reaching the teenage years? Our society has cultivated a terribly negative attitude towards young people ages 13-19. I have three daughters so that may affect my perspective, but I think that girls get more than their share of this attitude. The number of times I have heard someone say, "Wait until she's 15" is astounding.

The truth is that I look forward to when they are 15. Not that I am in a hurry for them to grow up, I think their ages right now are pretty cool. However, my oldest will turn 14 in a few weeks and, if the past year is any indication, I expect that the next few years will be an enjoyable experience. I have had the pleasure of getting to know some of my daughter's friends who are older, and have found them to be delightful and amazing people. Their parents would agree with me, too.

How is it, in a society that almost universally maligns teenagers, that I am looking forward to the teenage years? Who are these other parents who think that people in the later years of their transition from child to adult are a whole lot of fun to have around on this adventure called life? What makes us different? What makes our children different?

The answer lies in our relationships. We are not perfect in our parenting, we have our grumpy days and times when we do not live up to our own ideals. Our children are not mini-me's who live lives of obedience and compliance. We do not expect our children to live their own lives in ways that make our lives as parents easier. We live our lives in partnership with each other. We all live within the realities of our chosen lives and our children understand that some times there are limits, but these are not arbitrary limits. We put our family relationships before everything else. We do not feel that because our children are teenagers now they need less of us. We are as committed to meeting the needs of our teenagers as we were to meeting the needs of our newborn babies. Think about that for a moment: We are as committed to meeting the needs of our teenagers as we were to meeting the needs of our newborn babies.

Meeting the needs of young adults can be every bit as exhausting, challenging and complex as meeting the needs of a baby. It is even more so if their needs were not met during some period of their earlier childhood or infancy. If there are wounds that need healing or trust that must be mended, if you as a parent are not used to being aware of their needs or if they do not trust that you really want to meet their needs no strings attached, the path before you may be intimidating. Meeting the needs of your child at any age is much easier if you made your relationship a priority from the moment you decided to become a parent. The relationship you have during the teen years is the relationship you have been building for over a decade. It is also affected by your attitude, expectations and beliefs about teenagers.

Hopefully some day you will have a teenager. Hopefully some day you will enjoy having a teenager. The choice is yours. Do you want to spend the years arguing with your child or do you want to spend them enjoying your life together? When your child is a young adult do you want them to spend as much time as possible away from you, counting the months until they can move out and have a life of their own? The choice is yours. You can spend your time and energy trying to get your child to live life according to your expectations of who they will be and how they will behave and what they will do, or you can let them live their own life from the day they are born and spend your time and energy on your relationship. You can support them in who they are and what they like to do and how they like to do it from the start.

Putting your relationship first means that as a young adult your child will be able to trust you. They will know that they are free to be who they are without being criticized. They will come to you expecting honest, respectful communication about anything they want to discuss. They will know that if something does not turn out as they hoped or planned that you will be there to support them, no matter what, without lectures or punishment. They will feel your support for their dreams and passions. Putting your relationship first means that you and your child can enjoy the teenage years.

Revisit my blog post Trust to read more about parenting and trusting our children.

If you already have a teenager in the house and you would like to argue less and enjoy life together more revisit my post Conflict or Connection.

You will find a glimpse of the relationship I hope to have with teens in my post I don't tattle.

Our House

It's considered a parental right to say "My house, My rules." "If you live in my house you have to follow my rules." No choice, not a request, no room for discussion. Actually, there is an implied choice, "Follow my rules or leave my house." This week we learned that a teen we know was making that choice, the choice not to return home. The parent was angry, frustrated and sad. And yet the parent wasn't going to change positions and when the teen came home the punishment would be spending the summer with the non-custodial parent. Which only made the teen less inclined to return home.

Problem teen? Not from my perspective. I find this particular teen to be smart and thoughtful, creative and compassionate. Problem parent would be more accurate. A parent who is more concerned that the child is missing classes and failing school than about the child ending up living in danger on the street. A parent who has failed to create a relationship of trust with their child, so the child doesn't trust that the parent would keep any agreement or compromise that might be worked out so the child may feel safe returning home.

Are rules more important than children? What is more important to you than your child? Most of us will quickly give the correct answer and say,"nothing is more important than my child!" with a hint of self-righteousness, tinged w/ indignation that anyone would dare suggest other wise. That may be the "correct answer" but is it the truth? What would your child say is more important than she or he is? The truth is in your child's perspective, how they feel, not in correct answers.

What is more important than my child? Is it:

what others think of my child, my parenting, or my family?
having a clean house?
my child doing chores?
good grades?
completed homework?
compliant behavior?
attending church?
sleeping through the night?
facebook?
computer games?
money, a job, or having nice things?
eating whole foods?
your child's weight?

What rules, expectations, ideals of how life should be, or personal values do you have that come between you and your child? What causes conflict or breaks down the relationship and trust between you and your child? What are you holding onto that isn't helping you understand who your child really is or who they are becoming?

What would happen if you let go? Choose one thing that is presently causing conflict between you and your child and think about what would happen if you let go. Do you spend every night fighting with your child about homework? What would happen if you didn't? You let go of all judgments and expectations (yours and the schools) surrounding homework. Your child might choose not to do his homework. Is that the end of the world? You child might choose to do homework on his own because he wants to pass the class. You could tell the teacher that homework was causing damage to your family's relationships and your child will not be required to complete homework any longer. There are many options. If you take the time to discuss the situation with your child you may be surprised to find your child has some great ideas on how to resolve the stress. However, that won't happen if your child is angry with you and hurt and feeling frustrated with school and doesn't trust you to listen to his ideas or respond compassionately to his feelings.

Do you fight about a messy bedroom? If it's your child's room, her only personal space in the entire house (provided she has her own room, it may even be the only corner she has) why is it up to you how clean she keeps it? Perhaps she'd like to experiment with different levels of order until she finds what feels comfortable to her. Perhaps she would love to have some help in figuring out a better way to organize so that her room is easier to keep tidy. Perhaps she just doesn't care if her room is clean. Wouldn't you rather have a messy room with a happy, connected, thriving child living in it as opposed to a perfectly clean room with a sullen teen hiding behind the door she just slammed shut? Yes, there are a lot of places between those extremes, but for making a point extremes are more effective.

In our house we focus on the relationships. We live in our house, not my house, not the house owned and paid for by parents, but the house of a family learning and growing together. We don't have rules. We have discussions. We have flexibility. We have five people who are all still discovering who they are and what they love to do best. We have respect. We have trust. We have values and principals and beliefs, but even those are subject to change as we continue to learn and grow.

Welcome to Our House.

Trust

As children reaching their teenage years I notice parents grappling with the question of trust. When do I start trusting my child to.... be alone at the mall with friends, date, drive a car, manage their own money, decide what time to go to bed, be on the internet without me checking up on what they are doing, be responsible for their own homework????

Once again, I have come up with a different question. Why do we stop trusting our children? When our children are born we trust them. If they are screaming we trust that there is something wrong. We work to figure out what is wrong, what they know is wrong and are trying to communicate to get their needs met. We trust a baby to eat when it's hungry and sleep when it's tired.

For some parents the switch to not trusting their child comes very early. They put their trust in the experts or a grandparent or a doctor or a friend instead of their child. These other people who may never have even seen this baby, much less held him and soothed him and looked into his eyes, know more about what this baby needs than the baby could possibly know. They know more than his parents. These very parents who could be learning from their baby, growing in their understandings of his communication and needs and desires, stop trusting him to let them know what he needs. The parents are convinced that the baby needs a feeding schedule and a sleeping schedule and to learn how to sleep alone in his own bed. They ignore their hearts and leave him in a dark room crying. The baby is learning. The baby is learning that he may be hungry but he can't eat until someone else says it's time. That what his body is telling him is not valid. "You can't be hungry already, you just ate 2 hours ago. You need to learn to eat every 4 hours." He is learning that when he is in a dark room scared, or with a gas bubble in his tummy, or just needing the comfort of his parent's heart beat, that using his only form of communication isn't going to work and so he stops trying to get his needs met. He learns that his needs are not as important as other people's in the family. He learns helplessness, not that he can listen to his own body, know what he needs, communicate those needs and someone will pay attention and meet them the best they can right then.

For other parents it happens when their baby starts to explore the world. The baby learns by touching and feeling and putting things in her mouth. The parents start trying to control their child in an effort to make their own life easier or because they think that making a 10 month old behave a certain way will determine his future. "I know you want out of your bouncy seat, but you can wait until I'm done on the computer. Why are you so fussy? " "You dropped your toy and I'm tired of picking it up so you can't have it again until tomorrow." "Eat your food, don't play with it!" The urge to control their child and determine what she needs grows as the child becomes more eager to explore. "You need to eat your peas before you can have any yummy bananas." "It's nap time right now. You have to stay on your bed until I come get you." "We are going to sit in this bathroom until you pee in the potty."

And from there it grows. Parents tell their kids what to eat, when to eat, when to sleep, where to sleep, and often what to wear and what to do as well. Then the parents often step back and trust the school system to take over for a large portion of the day. In school a child is told what to do all day long: when to read, when to talk, when not to talk, when to sit, when to stand, when to eat, when it's possible to go to the bathroom, who they can sit next to, who they will work with, even when to sing and when not to sing. Schools even tell a child when to learn. However, children are learning all the time. At school children are learning to listen to all the outside voices. Their own inner voice that tells them what they need grows so quiet that most of the time they don't even know they have needs anymore. And if they do still listen to their inner voice and try to get their needs met, chances are they will end up in trouble for being disruptive or disrespectful or not following the rules.

What would happen if we never stopped trusting our kids? What would happen if supporting them in getting their needs met was the most important job in our life?

Imagine infants who ate when they were hungry and slept when they were tired and were comforted by the presence of their parents. Toddlers with parents who made their world as safe as possible so that they were free to explore and see just how high they could climb, knowing their parents were right there to catch them. Imagine toddlers who were provided with a wide variety of foods to eat and who were supported in eating what they wanted when they wanted to eat. Children know what they need. It's been proven with studies if you are the kind of person who needs a scientist to tell you something is true. If you don't control a child's food choices, or their eating patterns, they will grow up eating the fuel their bodies need. Did you know that anorexia isn't really about body image? It's about control, and not just control relating to food. What if we never stopped trusting our children?

Imagine children who still recognized their own needs and trusted that those needs could be met. If we trust our children to know what they need, and support them in getting their needs met from birth, the trust grows as the child grows. The child's ability to know what they need grows and their ability to get their needs met grows. When we trust that our child is growing and learning in the way that is best for them the child feels this and doesn't have to feel uncomfortable in their own skin.

Fast forward to the teenage years, w/ lots of years of learning and support and trust preceding them. Teenagers who have a relationship with their parents built on trust, not on control, look different from what you are told to expect a teenager to be. These teenagers know that people's needs are important and support others in getting needs met just as they have been supported. These teenagers don't have to fight for control of their lives. No one else has been controlling them. These teenagers know what is best for them because they've spent the last 13 or more years learning what works for them and what doesn't, figuring out what their needs are and how to get those needs met, learning and growing as they were ready. They haven't been pushed to grow up or held back and told they weren't ready. They have been learning and growing with lots of love and support and trust. Their parents will never have to ask other parents "when should I trust my child to go to the movies alone with a friend?" Actually, their teen probably brought that up first. "Mom, I'd like to go to the movies with my friends. I think I'm ready to do that." Or, as just happened in my house, they may actually enjoy having their dad at the movies along with their friend.