Fears - yours, not theirs

What am I afraid of?

I was one question into writing this when I got a text from my 13 year old daughter. She and her 10 year old sister were going to hang out at a park in Portland with some other teens, then go to a friend's house, and some time later in the evening my husband would pick them up again. My response? "O.K. try to avoid sunburns and drink enough fluids. :) I Love You!" What would your response have been?

What are you afraid of?

When it comes to our children, often our fears are based on something that might happen in the future. The future that is so far away we have no idea what it will look like, a future that is ultimately beyond our control. Our fears are based on something that might happen in our children's future, did you notice, it's not your future.

Many parents today parent from a place of fear. The decisions they make about how to parent are based on fears about possible negative outcomes. If I don't do make my child do chores, go to bed on time, and say please and thank you then my child may not grow up to be a socially acceptable, responsible adult." or "If my child doesn't do their homework, get good grades and play a team sport they may not be able to get a good job when they grow up."

Parents control their children in the belief that if they hold onto their kids tightly enough the things they fear the most won't happen. Parents try to protect their children from certain influences while trying to expose them to others. Parents try to make their children behave, teach them lessons, and prepare them for the realities of life.

I'm going to share a truth with you. If it makes you uncomfortable, upset, or defensive, take a moment to ask yourself "What am I afraid of?"

Parenting the conventional way, with rules, punishment, rewards, bribes, chores, bedtimes, getting to school on time and completing homework, playing team sports and taking piano lessons, going to church and singing in the choir does not guarantee anything except that your child will have been parented more or less like the majority of the children they know.

In fact, parenting with all of the above may actually guarantee that your children are more likely to struggle in many different ways through out their life than children who are parented unconditionally with respect and freedom, who don't go to school, and who are supported in following their natural patterns of learning and exploring their interests and passions.

Are you mentally justifying the way you are raising your children? If you're saying "My child is doing fine," or "But you don't know me and my life is complicated," let me assure you that parents of all income levels, married, single, gay, straight, religious and atheist parent their children unconditionally , respectfully, and without requiring their children to go school. They have gotten creative, been brave, stopped making excuses and made a commitment to respecting the person their child is.

What are you afraid of?

Are you afraid that you can't handle having your children home all the time? Are you afraid that people will think you've totally gone off the deep end if you take your kids out of school? Are you afraid you'll be judged if you leave your child in the school system? Everyone has to make the choices that are right for their family. Those choices may look differently in each family and even in the same family during different periods of their life. The most important choice is to listen to your children, be involved in their lives, respect them as people, support them and hear what they are telling you is the best fit for who they are. Working together you can figure out how to meet everyone's needs.


To find out more about how children learn and how school affects children visit Peter Gray's blog, it's a great place to start:


If you are interested in unconditional parenting and how rewards and punishment affect children, visit Alfie Kohn's site and check some of his books out of the library:

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself" Franklin D. Roosevelt



Fear is the parent of cruelty.
- James A. Froude

Nirvana

A Buddhist will tell you that your attachments cause you suffering. What I've recently realized is that, if you are a parent, there's a good chance that your attachments are causing your children suffering, too. Attachments come in many different forms. We may be attached to relationships, ideals, material possessions, particular outcomes, delusions - anything we cling to mentally, physically or emotionally.

Nothing is more important to me than my relationship with my children. This includes my attachments.

In Buddhism, Nirvana is the mental state reached when someone releases their attachments and is free from suffering.

"Someone who reaches nirvana does not immediately disappear to a heavenly realm. Nirvana is better understood as a state of mind that humans can reach. It is a state of profound spiritual joy, without negative emotions and fears.

Someone who has attained enlightenment is filled with compassion for all living things."

This quote spoke to me because it reflects the kind of relationship that I want to have with my children. If we parent from a place of compassion, without negative emotions and fears, we can live a life of profound joy with our children.

Sometimes our attachments are obvious, such as wanting our children to look a certain way when we go out in public: brushed hair, clean clothes, clothes that match, hair that is its natural color, socks and shoes.

We may be attached to what our society says is right or good or necessary for our children: going to school, good grades, high test scores, saying please and thank you, extra curricular activities, lessons, chores, what to eat and when it should be eaten.

We may also be attached to expected responses when we do something for our child: gratitude, appreciation, happiness, joy.

We plan an outing that we think our child will enjoy. We tell them about the outing and they say they don't want to go. We get upset. Why? We had expectations, we took the time to plan the outing, we were wrapped up in our anticipation of enjoying the outing with our child, we are hurt that they aren't excited about our plan. We were attached to the idea of the outing and the expected response of the child. If we can let go of that attachment and find a place of compassion we can respond to our child in a positive way. Is our child not feeling well? Is there something about the outing that is scary to the child? Is there something the child was hoping to do instead? Is the child feeling like some down time instead of a big adventure?

What are you holding onto that is causing your child suffering? What attachments are getting in the way of a compassionate relationship with your child?

Nothing is more important than my relationship with my children. If I have an attachment that is causing suffering in my relationship with my children than I need to let go of that attachment. If there is tension or conflict in my relationship with my children I need to examine what I'm holding onto. Releasing my attachments releases that tension. Suffering ends and peace is found.

Living in Nirvana with our children, how cool is that?
Just don't get too attached to the idea....