Once upon a time, I was a mom who yelled at her children.
Why do we yell at our children? You might say "because my children are misbehaving" or "because I lack self-control" or maybe even "because I don't know what else to do." Why did I yell at my children? I yelled because I was exhausted and couldn't see a way out of my exhaustion. I yelled because I was frustrated that life didn't look like my mental image. I yelled because at our weakest moments we fall back on how we ourselves were parented. I yelled because my expectations weren't being met. I yelled because my needs were not being met. In retrospect I know that the yelling was not because of my children. My children did not make me yell. It was all about me: my issues and baggage, my lack of resources, knowledge, support and sleep.
I went from yelling to not yelling, from conflict to peace, from feeling like a crappy parent to feeling like a competent parent, most of the time. While writing this I realized that there are answers to how I stopped yelling in my previous blog posts. Here are some ideas on how to stop yelling, with links for further reading.
Focus on relationships.
Nothing is more important than your relationship with your children, not clean bedrooms, not homework, not bedtimes.
Practice unconditional parenting. Your children do not need to do anything to earn your love, your help, or your approval. Your children are perfect just the way they are. Read "Tolerance vs. Acceptance" to understand how important it is to accept our children for who they are.
In "Conflict or Connection" I wrote about how we as parents can be the cause of conflict in our relationship with our children.
View yourself as a support person, a facilitator, for your child. You are exploring life together. In "Saying 'yes'" and "Supporting Our Children's Passions" I describe two very different ways we have supported and facilitated for our children.
My summary "How we live at our house" explains the principles we try to live by in our family that focus on our relationships.
"A Family of Connected Individuals" discusses the balance of creating space for each individual while living as a family.
In "...and my husband" I expand on the idea of relationships to include the people with whom we co-parent. Nothing more important than our relationship with our family.
Let go of your expectations.
Remembering that your expectations are just that, your expectations. It is not up to your children to meet your expectations.
I blogged about expectations and acceptance of life when it turns out differently than we expected in my blog post "fighting what is."
I blogged about how other people's expectations can affect my relationship with my children Here.
Meet needs.
Validating the needs of each family member and collaborative problem solving to meet them are vital to a connected, non-yelling, family. I wrote about meeting children's needs as the "easy button of parenting" Here.
Further ideas on identifying needs were written Here.
My experience with getting my own needs met is described in my blog post "Personal Lack."
You can stop yelling at your children. Start by focusing on your relationships, letting go of your expectations and meeting the needs of each family member.
UPDATE: At least one reader felt that this post was trite and superficial. In response to their concerns I wrote another blog post about Triggers and how to remove the triggers that cause us to yell at our children. You will find that blog post Here.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Peer Pressure
How does peer pressure affect your life and family?
Has your child said to you, "But everybody else is doing it!"
Have you said to your child, "If your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump off a bridge?"
How does peer pressure affect your parenting? Do you give in to the peer pressure of other parents?
The kind of peer pressure we feel relates directly to the kind of peers we have. Our social circle can dramatically affect our parenting. While nursing a toddler on a bench at the park might be shocking in some circles, in others a mother feels twinges of guilt because she didn't nurse her child past 24 months. Some parents feel pressured by their friends to take their kids out of school and homeschool, while other parents face constant criticism for making that very choice.
If we do something because everybody else is doing it, regardless of how it fits with our children, we are parenting by peer pressure. It takes a huge amount of courage to parent consciously, not blindly embracing how our peers are parenting. No matter how right or wise or intelligent our peers may be, we have to figure out what works for us, our children and our family. And no matter how right we think we are, we need to remember that, as inconceivable as it may seem, not everyone can or should parent exactly like we do. The challenge then is to figure out what is authentic to our family, what works for us, and how to identify when we are giving into peer pressure with negative consequences. This is easier than you might think. We must simply look to our relationship with our children. When there is stress, anger, animosity, hurt or lack of connection then we need to find the cause. When joy, peace and connection are missing from our family we need to consider how we are parenting and what changes need to be made to better meet our family's unique needs.
Our peers may insist that a consistent bedtime routine at the same time each night is necessary for our children to learn good sleep habits. We may have a child who has regular melt downs at bedtime. We need to learn about different approaches to sleeping, and pay attention to our child's verbal and non-verbal communication, to find a way to meet that child's sleep needs. Our peers may have families who believe complete freedom regarding when and where to sleep is necessary for children to grow up listening to their bodies and knowing what they need. We may have a child who thrives on routines and prefers to sleep at the same time each night and we may need to be home by a certain time to support that child in getting to bed "on time." If we are happy and healthiest when we sleep on a schedule then our family's approach to sleeping may also be different from our peers who are content sleeping different hours each day. If we have different sleep needs then our children creative solutions to meeting everyone's needs will be required.
We cannot justify our parenting by saying "everybody's doing it!" If the other parents pushed their children off the bridge would you push your children off the bridge? Just because all the other parents send their children to school doesn't mean we have to send our children. On the other hand, if all of our peers keep their children home from school and we have a child who wants to go to school it doesn't mean we cannot send our child to school. If all of our peers put their babies into cribs we can choose to have a family bed. If all of our peers have a family bed but that is causing lack of sleep for some members in our family than it may be time to come up with creative solutions regarding who sleeps where and with whom each night.
There are times when we may need to find new peers. If our peers consider parental needs as more important than the needs of children instead of considering everyone's needs as equally important, if they do not treat their children with respect, if we come away from time with them feeling beat down and discouraged instead of supported and encouraged, it is time to find new peers. If our peers parent through control instead of connection, punishment and praise instead of partnership, and retribution instead of respect it is time to find new peers. Finding new peers can be hard. Leaving behind old social circles may be emotionally difficult. When we find friends who have a positive impact on our relationship with our children the sense of community and support adds depth and richness to our lives. We respect each other and support each other in finding ways to meet our family's needs. Consider the parents you call your friends, do they have a positive impact on your parenting? Is it time to find new parenting peers?
Has your child said to you, "But everybody else is doing it!"
Have you said to your child, "If your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump off a bridge?"
How does peer pressure affect your parenting? Do you give in to the peer pressure of other parents?
The kind of peer pressure we feel relates directly to the kind of peers we have. Our social circle can dramatically affect our parenting. While nursing a toddler on a bench at the park might be shocking in some circles, in others a mother feels twinges of guilt because she didn't nurse her child past 24 months. Some parents feel pressured by their friends to take their kids out of school and homeschool, while other parents face constant criticism for making that very choice.
If we do something because everybody else is doing it, regardless of how it fits with our children, we are parenting by peer pressure. It takes a huge amount of courage to parent consciously, not blindly embracing how our peers are parenting. No matter how right or wise or intelligent our peers may be, we have to figure out what works for us, our children and our family. And no matter how right we think we are, we need to remember that, as inconceivable as it may seem, not everyone can or should parent exactly like we do. The challenge then is to figure out what is authentic to our family, what works for us, and how to identify when we are giving into peer pressure with negative consequences. This is easier than you might think. We must simply look to our relationship with our children. When there is stress, anger, animosity, hurt or lack of connection then we need to find the cause. When joy, peace and connection are missing from our family we need to consider how we are parenting and what changes need to be made to better meet our family's unique needs.
Our peers may insist that a consistent bedtime routine at the same time each night is necessary for our children to learn good sleep habits. We may have a child who has regular melt downs at bedtime. We need to learn about different approaches to sleeping, and pay attention to our child's verbal and non-verbal communication, to find a way to meet that child's sleep needs. Our peers may have families who believe complete freedom regarding when and where to sleep is necessary for children to grow up listening to their bodies and knowing what they need. We may have a child who thrives on routines and prefers to sleep at the same time each night and we may need to be home by a certain time to support that child in getting to bed "on time." If we are happy and healthiest when we sleep on a schedule then our family's approach to sleeping may also be different from our peers who are content sleeping different hours each day. If we have different sleep needs then our children creative solutions to meeting everyone's needs will be required.
We cannot justify our parenting by saying "everybody's doing it!" If the other parents pushed their children off the bridge would you push your children off the bridge? Just because all the other parents send their children to school doesn't mean we have to send our children. On the other hand, if all of our peers keep their children home from school and we have a child who wants to go to school it doesn't mean we cannot send our child to school. If all of our peers put their babies into cribs we can choose to have a family bed. If all of our peers have a family bed but that is causing lack of sleep for some members in our family than it may be time to come up with creative solutions regarding who sleeps where and with whom each night.
There are times when we may need to find new peers. If our peers consider parental needs as more important than the needs of children instead of considering everyone's needs as equally important, if they do not treat their children with respect, if we come away from time with them feeling beat down and discouraged instead of supported and encouraged, it is time to find new peers. If our peers parent through control instead of connection, punishment and praise instead of partnership, and retribution instead of respect it is time to find new peers. Finding new peers can be hard. Leaving behind old social circles may be emotionally difficult. When we find friends who have a positive impact on our relationship with our children the sense of community and support adds depth and richness to our lives. We respect each other and support each other in finding ways to meet our family's needs. Consider the parents you call your friends, do they have a positive impact on your parenting? Is it time to find new parenting peers?
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