When my girls were little I felt like an epic failure at bed time. They nursed to sleep when they were young. The books and the pediatrician, who didn't have any children of her own, said you should not nurse babies to sleep so they could learn how to fall asleep on their own. When the girls were older bedtime involved many stories and then many songs, and ultimately me staying in the room until they were all asleep. We often played musical beds in the night and you never knew where everyone would be sleeping come morning. If a conversation with other parents turned to the topic of bedtime I would tell them that I had always been a failure at bedtime.
To know if you are a failure you must know what you are trying to accomplish. If my primary goal was to have children who listened to one story and then drifted off to sleep, alone in their room, then yes, I was a failure. If my primary goal was to have children who felt safe and loved and connected to their parents then I was a huge success. In the latter case I was a failure when I let experts and society, and other people's advice and expectations, distract me from being the parent I wanted to be. I was a failure when I walked out of the room because, "I should be able to have time to myself at night after the kids are in bed." I was a failure when my children were crying and I failed to offer comfort because "they need to learn how to go to sleep on their own." I was a failure when I did not listen to my heart and when I failed to meet the real needs of my children. I look back and am saddened that I felt like a failure when I was meeting their needs. Instead of enjoying our night times together, too often I struggled with guilt and frustration because of my "bad parenting".
Society does not encourage us to meet our children's needs. Parenting books, magazines and television shows primarily focus on how to parent through controlling our children's behaviors and changing them so that it makes our life easier. They tell us that if our child does X then we should do Y, and then our child must do Z. If our child yells, "I hate you!" at us then we should put them in time out. The child must also apologize for being disrespectful and promise never to yell "I hate you!" at us again. These sources of parenting information focus on behaviors, not on children. (Read The Case Against Time-out HERE)
Mainstream parenting information aims to support parents, not children. It tells us how to get our children to conform to societal expectations, not how to celebrate and enjoy each unique child. It does not tell us that if our child yells, "I hate you!" at us that we should take our child's feelings seriously and validate those feelings. We are not told that our best response will happen when we stop, take a deep breath, and consider what it is our child needs in that moment. Most parenting information will fail to mention that what your child does not need is isolation, separation, with drawl of love, or a punishment of any kind. And that your child does need patience, compassion, understanding, respect and your unconditional love. We are not reminded to to look at the situation from our child's perspective and that we also may need to examine our role in the situation because often we unintentionally or unknowingly cause situations to escalate, as I discussed Here.
When you get advice on how to parent consider the goal of that advice. Evaluate whether what you are hearing will ultimately strengthen your relationship with your child. Is the goal to reach a greater understanding of your child and his needs, or is it to stop your child from expressing his needs? Are you being encouraged to gain a greater understanding of what needs are causing her behaviors, or are you being told how to stop behaviors while ignoring any related unmet needs?
When you are find yourself challenged by some aspect of parenting, frustrated by your child's behavior, at your wit's end regarding any particular stage your child is going through, start asking questions. Start with "What does my child need and how can I meet this need?" You may need to ask, "What do I need and I can I get my needs met?" Keep asking questions until you find an answer that truly resonates with you, your child and your family. My post "Learning from the questions we ask" shows how one question can be the starting place for a stream of questions that can challenge and inform your perspective on a particular parenting topic.
When you feel that you have failed as a parent ask yourself where that feeling is coming from. If you realize that you are letting society tell you that you are a failure take a moment to make a mental list of all the ways that you are an amazing parent who is meeting your children's unique needs. If you are truly struggling to be the parent you want to be reach out for help, search for like minded friends as discussed in my post on Peer Pressure and be gentle with yourself as you continue on towards becoming the parent you want to be.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
For Mothers with Babies and Young Children: It will get easier
A comment on facebook, made by a mother with young children about my Stop Yelling post, caught my attention. The feelings of frustration and desperation, combined with the feeling that there was no answer to the situation, were painfully familiar. I was reminded of how desperate, trapped and depleted I felt for years when my girls were young. If you are a mother living in survival mode right now please know, you are not alone. It does get less intense, you will get more sleep, and you will get to go to the bathroom alone. If you are a parent or grandparent or guardian of any kind who is feeling over whelmed by the needs of the children in your life and you cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel please hold on. Tell yourself you only have to get through this one moment at this time, and then you can face the next moment. You are not alone.
When I was living in survival mode, see Personal Lack for the story of what my life was like then, I couldn't see a way out. I did not feel that there were any resources, that I had any options, that I could do anything to change the situation. When you are parenting three children ages 4, 16 months and 1 month, just nursing and changing diapers consumes the day. I did not have a single friend who was inclined to come over for a visit, much less help. My husband was gone all day and several nights a week for work and classes. Our only car went with him. These are years of my life that I barely remember. Dishes regularly grew moldy on the counter. The laundry lived in a pile on the couch. I think I mopped our tiny kitchen floor twice in two years. Because I lived in survival mode for so many years, and was not one of those mythical Super Moms who manages to have a clean house, and children, too, I did not think I had much to share about the early years of motherhood. I was wrong, I need to share because you need to know that my family survived those years and yours will, too.
I also need to share because those of you who no longer have small children need to be reminded that mothers do not stop needing support when their baby reaches 6 weeks of age. We need to reach out because often an exhausted mother is not going to ask for help. We need to bring over a meal or take the older kids to the park, we need to stop by for a visit and wash the sink full of dishes while we chat. We need to stop thinking we are too busy with our own lives and figure out what kind of helping we do best. Do you like to cook, or clean, or cuddle a baby so mom can take a shower? Do you have the resources to send over takeout? Do you have a teen or tween who would be happy to be a mother's helper for a few hours each week?
When you are are living in survival mode, exhausted, depleted and possibly suffering from depression, all advice sounds trite, impossible or just plain insensitive. No matter how ridiculous someone's advice may sound, ask yourself if there is some small way to apply it to your life. Remember, it will get easier. Little by little, in ways so small you may not notice them at first, things will get easier. When you feel like all you do is meet other people's needs, clean up messes, wash dishes, make food, wash more dishes and wash laundry, stop for a moment. Take a deep breath, exhale just as deeply, then take another deep breath. Ask yourself what small thing you can do for yourself.
Here are some ideas:
*Eat chocolate.
*Ask for help: call a friend, post of facebook, text someone; be honest about how you are feeling and what you need.
*Take your vitamins.
*Buy food that only has to be heated, even if you think it is something you can't afford: frozen french fries, pizza, ravioli, desserts.
*Keep fruit frozen in the freezer so it is easy to blend up a smoothie when you realize you have forgotten to feed yourself.
*Put on music that you love.
Look for ways that you can nurture yourself and your children at the same time:
*Get everyone out of the house for a walk, even if you only make it to the corner and back.
*Grab a pile of books and some snacks and spend time reading and cuddling in a pile.
*Let your children watch movies for as long as they want.
*When your children are doing crafts get creative with them.
*Tell yourself three things you love about each of your family members.
*Remember that food is food and ice cream for breakfast is just fine, as are popcorn and apples for dinner, or pancakes for lunch.
*Use a slow cooker/crock pot so that dinner can be prepared earlier in the day when you may have more energy.
When you have dishes in the sink, laundry on the couch, toys all over the floor, and at least one mess to clean up that you would rather not mention out loud, remember, you are not alone. Take a deep breath, eat some chocolate, put on some music and go dance with your children, the mess can wait at least until the end of the song.
When I was living in survival mode, see Personal Lack for the story of what my life was like then, I couldn't see a way out. I did not feel that there were any resources, that I had any options, that I could do anything to change the situation. When you are parenting three children ages 4, 16 months and 1 month, just nursing and changing diapers consumes the day. I did not have a single friend who was inclined to come over for a visit, much less help. My husband was gone all day and several nights a week for work and classes. Our only car went with him. These are years of my life that I barely remember. Dishes regularly grew moldy on the counter. The laundry lived in a pile on the couch. I think I mopped our tiny kitchen floor twice in two years. Because I lived in survival mode for so many years, and was not one of those mythical Super Moms who manages to have a clean house, and children, too, I did not think I had much to share about the early years of motherhood. I was wrong, I need to share because you need to know that my family survived those years and yours will, too.
I also need to share because those of you who no longer have small children need to be reminded that mothers do not stop needing support when their baby reaches 6 weeks of age. We need to reach out because often an exhausted mother is not going to ask for help. We need to bring over a meal or take the older kids to the park, we need to stop by for a visit and wash the sink full of dishes while we chat. We need to stop thinking we are too busy with our own lives and figure out what kind of helping we do best. Do you like to cook, or clean, or cuddle a baby so mom can take a shower? Do you have the resources to send over takeout? Do you have a teen or tween who would be happy to be a mother's helper for a few hours each week?
When you are are living in survival mode, exhausted, depleted and possibly suffering from depression, all advice sounds trite, impossible or just plain insensitive. No matter how ridiculous someone's advice may sound, ask yourself if there is some small way to apply it to your life. Remember, it will get easier. Little by little, in ways so small you may not notice them at first, things will get easier. When you feel like all you do is meet other people's needs, clean up messes, wash dishes, make food, wash more dishes and wash laundry, stop for a moment. Take a deep breath, exhale just as deeply, then take another deep breath. Ask yourself what small thing you can do for yourself.
Here are some ideas:
*Eat chocolate.
*Ask for help: call a friend, post of facebook, text someone; be honest about how you are feeling and what you need.
*Take your vitamins.
*Buy food that only has to be heated, even if you think it is something you can't afford: frozen french fries, pizza, ravioli, desserts.
*Keep fruit frozen in the freezer so it is easy to blend up a smoothie when you realize you have forgotten to feed yourself.
*Put on music that you love.
Look for ways that you can nurture yourself and your children at the same time:
*Get everyone out of the house for a walk, even if you only make it to the corner and back.
*Grab a pile of books and some snacks and spend time reading and cuddling in a pile.
*Let your children watch movies for as long as they want.
*When your children are doing crafts get creative with them.
*Tell yourself three things you love about each of your family members.
*Remember that food is food and ice cream for breakfast is just fine, as are popcorn and apples for dinner, or pancakes for lunch.
*Use a slow cooker/crock pot so that dinner can be prepared earlier in the day when you may have more energy.
When you have dishes in the sink, laundry on the couch, toys all over the floor, and at least one mess to clean up that you would rather not mention out loud, remember, you are not alone. Take a deep breath, eat some chocolate, put on some music and go dance with your children, the mess can wait at least until the end of the song.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)