Tolerance vs Acceptance

My daughter, who will be 14 next week, pointed out today that one of the creators of the TV show Glee said that the show is about tolerance, when he should have said it is about acceptance. Acceptance of self and others. Accepting our children for the people they are, instead of trying to make them into the people we imagined they would be, is something I have mentioned before. Our children's first experience with acceptance should be at home, from their family. Our children also need to see our acceptance of ourselves. This can be hard. We may not have grown up feeling accepted by our family and we may struggle with knowing and accepting who we are as adults. If that is the case, then we need to model the journey to self-acceptance for our children. Through us, our children also learn to be accepting of others. Just being tolerant is not good enough for ourselves, our children or our world.

Accepting our children as they are, for who they are, unconditionally, is vital if they are going to grow up to be healthy adults who live authentically, following their passions, secure in who they are. I feel it is incredibly urgent that we remind all parents of the importance of accepting children in light of the four suicides of gay teens in our country this month. These teens were not accepted. They were bullied. Many teens are bullied but they don't all commit suicide. What makes a difference? Family acceptance is a pretty good place to start.

"Higher rates of family rejection were significantly associated with poorer health outcomes. On the basis of odds ratios, lesbian, gay, and bisexual young adults who reported higher levels of family rejection during adolescence were 8.4 times more likely to report having attempted suicide, 5.9 times more likely to report high levels of depression, 3.4 times more likely to use illegal drugs, and 3.4 times more likely to report having engaged in unprotected sexual intercourse compared with peers from families that reported no or low levels of family rejection. Latino men reported the highest number of negative family reactions to their sexual orientation in adolescence." http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/123/1/346

Accept your children unconditionally. If there is something about one of your children that makes acceptance challenging admit that this is your problem. Get the help you need so that you can get over your issues and start being the parent they need and deserve. You child came into this world a very special person, find joy sharing life's journey with that person. If you are just tolerating your children you need to figure out what is getting in the way of acceptance. If you have rejected a child you may both need help if your relationship is going to get to a place of connection, trust and acceptance.

My heart goes out to the families affected by these suicides. I don't know the relationship they had with their children and I am not implying that these deaths are their fault. These deaths are the result of our flawed society. We must all step up and embody acceptance in our communities. Accept your children, accept their friends, let them know just how amazing you think they are. Practice acceptance until it flows through your life. Acceptance isn't just a nice idea, it can be a matter of life or death.

The Easy Button of parenting

If there is an "Easy Button" for parenting it lies here: Meet the needs of your children.

If your first response is "but that's not easy" I would suggest that you consider the consequences of not meeting the needs of your children

When you focus on meeting the needs of your children you short circuit the parent child dynamic that is created when parents focus on their own needs and the child's needs are unmet or unrecognized. This sets up the following cycle of behavior: The parent focuses on his own need. The child has an unmet need. The child tries to get her need met through behaviors that are irritating, frustrating or against the rules. The parent tries to control the child's behavior through punishment/reward/time-out often without meeting the child's need. The child is now angry/hurt/frustrated and still has an unmet need, which has often only grown larger. The child tries again to get her needs met...and the cycle continues.

Now consider what happens if the child's needs are met: The parent focuses on her own needs and the child's needs. The child has a need. The child knows from experience that the parent will support him in getting his needs met. The child expresses his need. The parent helps the child get his need met. The child and parent relationship is strengthened. The child has learned more about how to get his needs met and has greater trust that his parent will continue to help him get his needs met in the future. The child has also learned that people who love each other support each other in getting their needs met and is more likely to help others get their needs met in the future.

A child with unmet needs is needy. As obvious as that may seem, parents often overlook that the natural consequence of failing to meet a child's needs is living with a needy child. A child who is needing positive attention and affection, who does not feel safely connected to a parent, is often clingy, whiny, interrupts conversations and phone calls, and constantly wants to be with their parent in an effort to feel connected. A child who is hungry, tired or thirsty is crabby, reactive and prone to melt downs. A child who feels rejected or not heard may withdraw and become increasingly angry. This anger will be expressed at some point. A child with unmet needs will continue to look for ways to get their needs met, which may leave the parent feeling pestered, annoyed or even like the child is being manipulative. A parent's inability or unwillingness to meet their child's needs may lead to the child having unhealthy relationships with others in an effort to get her needs met. The child who has stopped trying to get her needs met is discussed in my blog "My child doesn't mind..."

When we live life as a connected family we become familiar with the day to day needs of each family member and we are able to be proactive in meeting those needs. If we know that our child becomes irritable when he is hungry, and that he gets hungry about every two hours, we can plan ahead and make sure that we provide a snack ever two hours. When we are away from the house this means that we are prepared with snacks. When we pay attention to who our children are we are better prepared to proactively meet their needs and circumvent melt downs, frustrations, and unsuccessful outings or activities. When we meet our children's needs they are empowered to be who they are. When our children's needs are met, and they know that we are their partners in supporting them in getting their needs met, they are freed from resorting to attention seeking behaviors that often lead to negative attention. When we are respectful of our children's needs, not discounting their preferences or belittling them when their comfort zone is different from ours, we learn more about who they are and deepen our connection. When we model acceptance of each family member's different needs our children learn to be more accepting of the differences in the people they meet. When our children's needs are validated they are less likely to end up in unhealthy relationships with people who are disrespectful or abusive. When our children's needs are met they grow up learning how to creatively problem solve, and are more flexible when it comes to finding ways to meet the needs of multiple people.

One of the amazing results of meeting our children's needs is that they are more content, they trust that we are willing to meet their needs, and in turn they are able to respect our needs and support us when we are finding ways to meet our own needs. This may mean that they leave us alone when we say that we need fifteen minutes of quiet in our room or they wait to talk until we are done with a phone call that requires all of our concentration. When we are tired or sad they may offer an unsolicited hug and sympathy.

If you are struggling as a parent, finding your children's behaviors intolerable, or feeling like your children are constantly trying to get your attention, start by asking yourself what your children need and how you can meet their needs. Fill your children up with love and attention before they start the behaviors that they use to get your attention. Be present for them in concentrated chunks of time instead of giving them unfocused attention while you are trying to accomplish something else. If something is important to them take it seriously. Learn to say yes to their heart's desires. Work together to find a way to meet their needs. If they have a need that you absolutely cannot meet, even after creative problem solving and looking into every possible resource, express this with compassion. Refrain from saying, "You'll get over it" or "That's life." I have found that once you start living the life of taking needs seriously you may be surprised at how often there is a creative solution or a resource shows up at just the right moment. Be open to unexpected answers and you may find that meeting the needs of your children is not as hard as you expected. Proactively meet the needs of your children and you will find that parenting just got a lot easier.