Do you live in a house where the piles resemble potential archeological digs? Does your laundry live on the couch waiting to be folded? Folded? People actually fold their clean clothes? Yes, and some people also put it away in drawers before the kids dig through the folded piles. Do you wash pots as you need them, as in right when you need them, at dinner time, to boil water. Do you clear a place on the couch when friends stop by so they have a place to sit down?
Some of my absolute favorite people have messy houses. In fact, the coolest people I know live in unconventional, creative, cluttered spaces that feel comfortable the minute I walk in. I feel at home in other people's chaos, but I feel stressed, embarrassed, and even defeated by my own. When I look at my house, I feel like a failure. And here's the truth, my house will never be clean enough.
It will never be clean enough.
Do you have some area of your life where you feel "not enough." Is there something that makes you feel like a failure? You don't cook well enough. You aren't thin enough. You don't make enough money. You aren't patient enough with your children.
Whose standard aren't we living up to? Whose voice is saying those words? Dig deep, be honest. It's a pretty safe guess that you have a parent living in your head, belittling you, telling you you aren't enough. If it isn't a parent, it's probably a teacher or some other adult from your childhood.
My house will never be clean enough. It's true. In my mind if it isn't perfect, it isn't clean enough. Since it's never going to be perfect, it will never be clean enough to meet the perfectionistic expectations of that inner parental voice. It seems that I can give up completely and condemn myself to a life of unhappiness living in a filthy home, or I can embrace the imperfect. I can tell that voice I have had enough of impossible expectations that don't match the person I've become and the life I've chosen to live. I can experiment and play, and find the balance of chaos and cleanliness that makes me feel comfortable and at home.
It's o.k. to be imperfect. It's good to be imperfect. There is great beauty in the imperfections. For me it's time to embrace the imperfect, to admit that I will never ever be perfect and I'm okay with that. In fact, I don't think there's any other way to be. We are all imperfect.
Today my house is clean enough. Today I am thin enough. Today I am good enough.
Imperfection rocks!
My greatest hope is that my children will grow up knowing that they are enough, in this moment, as they are, no striving necessary, no approval needed, with only their own voice inside their heads.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Whose experience is it?
I've been thinking a lot about discounting and belittling after spending a long weekend at the LIFE is Good Conference. The reason I have been thinking about discounting and belittling is because they weren't present in the communications between parents and children at the conference. No one said to the teens trying to walk on the ceiling, by laying on the lobby floor with their feet in the air, that they should grow up or act their age. When children were hungry they ate food, they weren't told that it wasn't meal time and they had to wait. Parents got creative so they could meet the needs of their children and still go to hear speakers or participate in circle chats. If that wasn't possible they skipped the talk and spent time with their kids. Going to hear a speaker wasn't more important than their child or their relationship with their child. When children came into a conference room looking for a parent the parent didn't shush them, or tell them to wait, the parent quietly reconnected with their child and got up to meet a need if that was required. No one frowned at parents or children as they slipped in and out of rooms, no one grumbled about walkie-talkies or cell phones disrupting. We were glad to see other parents who respected their children, who understood that a child's needs were no less important than an adult's, who wouldn't frown at us when our children were still up at 1:00 in the morning happily hanging out with friends they may not see again until the next conference.
Belittling is fairly straight forward: you say or do something that makes someone else feel smaller and you feel bigger. It is obvious when we say "You are acting like a baby!" but it shows up in many other shaming statements.
Discounting as a word may not be as familiar but if you grew up with it you'll find it easy to recognize. Discounting is when we deny the truth of a situation. We do it to ourselves, and we do it to other people. When a child says, "I'm hungry" and we respond, "You can't be hungry already, we just ate an hour ago!"
Some other discounting statements you may recognize:
"There's nothing to be afraid of!"
"It didn't hurt that bad."
"There's nothing I can do about that."
"You shouldn't be so upset."
"That's not important."
"You need to stop crying right now."
"You don't really mean that."
"She didn't really mean that."
Discounting can take the form of not acknowledging something, of acting as if a person or feeling or situation does not even exist.
When we discount our children's experience we are telling them that they cannot trust themselves, their perceptions or their feelings. "It's not that hot outside." "That movie wasn't scary." "You're a big boy, you don't need me to help you get dressed." The more we discount our children's experiences, the less comfortable they are with coming to us for help. They also learn to rely on other people's interpretations of their life experience. "You'll like this!" "That was fun." "That movie is too scary for you." "You are tired and need to go to bed." "You can't be that tired! You can keep going."
Discounting is the giving up or taking away of power. The opposite of discounting is empowering. When we empower ourselves and our children we are free to be honest about our experiences. Our children can evaluate a situation, express their needs and get those needs met. When we are empowered we respect ourselves and other people. Empowerment is working together to figure out a solution, making sure every one's needs are met, acknowledging that different people experience the same situation from their own unique perspective.
The challenge is that we may not realize we are discounting. We must practice awareness. Paying attention to the comments we make, thinking before we speak, examining what we are reflecting back to our children when we respond to their needs. We need to validate the experiences of our children, not try and modify their perceptions so that we can feel more comfortable. In order to do this we may first need to stop discounting our own experiences and emotions. If we have grown up with discounting in our family of origin we may need to regain trust in our own perceptions, reconnect with our needs and relearn that it is o.k. to get those needs met. We may have to practice respecting our own emotions as well as the emotions of our children. Don't discount discounting, empower yourself and your family. We have the power to be honest about our own life experience. We have the power to respect our children's life experiences, validate their perceptions, and watch them grow up feeling confident, loved, and respectful of other people's life experiences.
Belittling is fairly straight forward: you say or do something that makes someone else feel smaller and you feel bigger. It is obvious when we say "You are acting like a baby!" but it shows up in many other shaming statements.
Discounting as a word may not be as familiar but if you grew up with it you'll find it easy to recognize. Discounting is when we deny the truth of a situation. We do it to ourselves, and we do it to other people. When a child says, "I'm hungry" and we respond, "You can't be hungry already, we just ate an hour ago!"
Some other discounting statements you may recognize:
"There's nothing to be afraid of!"
"It didn't hurt that bad."
"There's nothing I can do about that."
"You shouldn't be so upset."
"That's not important."
"You need to stop crying right now."
"You don't really mean that."
"She didn't really mean that."
Discounting can take the form of not acknowledging something, of acting as if a person or feeling or situation does not even exist.
When we discount our children's experience we are telling them that they cannot trust themselves, their perceptions or their feelings. "It's not that hot outside." "That movie wasn't scary." "You're a big boy, you don't need me to help you get dressed." The more we discount our children's experiences, the less comfortable they are with coming to us for help. They also learn to rely on other people's interpretations of their life experience. "You'll like this!" "That was fun." "That movie is too scary for you." "You are tired and need to go to bed." "You can't be that tired! You can keep going."
Discounting is the giving up or taking away of power. The opposite of discounting is empowering. When we empower ourselves and our children we are free to be honest about our experiences. Our children can evaluate a situation, express their needs and get those needs met. When we are empowered we respect ourselves and other people. Empowerment is working together to figure out a solution, making sure every one's needs are met, acknowledging that different people experience the same situation from their own unique perspective.
The challenge is that we may not realize we are discounting. We must practice awareness. Paying attention to the comments we make, thinking before we speak, examining what we are reflecting back to our children when we respond to their needs. We need to validate the experiences of our children, not try and modify their perceptions so that we can feel more comfortable. In order to do this we may first need to stop discounting our own experiences and emotions. If we have grown up with discounting in our family of origin we may need to regain trust in our own perceptions, reconnect with our needs and relearn that it is o.k. to get those needs met. We may have to practice respecting our own emotions as well as the emotions of our children. Don't discount discounting, empower yourself and your family. We have the power to be honest about our own life experience. We have the power to respect our children's life experiences, validate their perceptions, and watch them grow up feeling confident, loved, and respectful of other people's life experiences.
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