"Unnecessary risk"

"If I did say yes, I would be awake the whole time.I would likely just worry about tired drivers, distracted teens behind the wheel, other people leaving bars and driving, carjacking and a host of other scenarios that would sound to my teen like I was trying to be a killjoy. But there are things that are just more dangerous in the middle of the night. Not to mention the environmental impact of driving around in a gas-guzzling van for fun.It all seems like an unnecessary risk to me." 

Someone left the above comment anonymously on my "Real Trust - no strings attached" post.  For the past week I have been mulling over the idea of "unnecessary risk."  What is unnecessary risk?  Who gets to decide what qualifies as unnecessary risk?  What is unnecessary risk for one person may be a whole lot of fun for another person.  It seems that to a certain degree increased risk taking equals a more meaningful life. 

We drove to my in-laws for Thanksgiving.  The roads were snow packed and icy.  For me, driving on icy roads qualifies as unnecessary risk.  However, it was very important to the grandparents and the children that we visit.  We discussed the risks.  We checked the road reports and the weather forecast.  My in-laws offered to rent a more reliable vehicle that would fit the chains we had in the garage.  For me it was an unnecessary risk, but for the rest of my family it was acceptable risk.  I took every step possible to increase my comfort level.  We drove a rental, carried chains, had blankets and water in the car and my husband drove.  Fortunately my husband is an experienced winter driver, having driven the passes between Montana and Washington a ridiculous number of times during his college years.  We made the drive safely.  We had a wonderful visit.  The girls were thrilled to be able to go sledding.  When it was time to return home the forecast was calling for freezing rain and the road conditions were dangerous.  We decided that it was too risky.  We called our pet sitter and made arrangements to stay for another day.  When we did head home, the roads were clear of all ice and snow. 

In families different members may have very different levels of comfort with risk.  We must be respectful of the differences and be willing to explore creative solutions so that everyone is comfortable with any potential risk.  When we have a child whose comfort with risk far exceeds our own we may find ourselves grasping for control when we need to let go.  Our relationship with our child can help us find peace in this situation.  When we have a connected relationship, with a firm foundation of trust, our child will more likely be sensitive to our feelings of discomfort and be open to information we may provide about potential consequences of taking any particular risk.  This does not mean that our child will never take risks that make us nervous.  It does not mean that our children should avoid risks that we think are unnecessary to make us more comfortable.  We should not distort facts or guilt our children into staying inside our comfort zone.  If my child is comfortable with a risk I do everything possible to support them in taking that risk.  I do my best to avoid inflicting my children with my fears.  See "Fears- yours, not theirs."  If I have serious concerns about a particular risk I may ask my children if they will do things to help me feel more comfortable, but I need to remember that the decision is theirs to make.  When my daughter is with her friends I know she is only a text away if she needs support or I want to touch base.  If a child wants to slide down the stairs in a sleeping bag I suggest we put pillows at the bottom.  And sometimes I just have to let go and trust that my child knows her own abilities.  My middle child should go ahead and stand on the sled as she goes down the hill.  It's completely within her comfort zone, even though it's outside my own.  As the other people who commented on the "Real Trust" post pointed out, your children are going to make their own decisions and take risks.  As your children grow older, your relationship with them will determine whether you know about the risks they are taking.


People who take risks do amazing things with their lives.  It is often the people who have taken the biggest risks that we most admire.  People who go to the moon, climb tall mountains, travel the world, drop out of college to invent a computer, spend years writing novels while barely paying their bills, and auditioning repeatedly until they land their first big part, are the people we wish to emulate.

“The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.”

Leo F. Buscaglia

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” 

T.S. Eliot

“He who risks and fails can be forgiven. He who never risks and never fails is a failure in his whole being.”
Paul Tillich

Real Trust - no strings attached

It's around 1:00 a.m. and my 14 year old opens my bedroom door, waking me up.  A couple of her friends have asked if she can go drive around and listen to music with them.  I say yes.  I hear her head out the door a short time later and then I'm back to sleep.  I didn't hear her come back in, and when I woke up once during the wee hours I didn't go check her bed.

I didn't ask for details, I didn't tell her what time to be home.  I did tell her to get $5 out of her dad's wallet in case they stopped for food, and suggested the 24 hour grocery store up the road.  She had a wonderful time.  She spent an hour and a half with three of her friends, ages 15, 17 and 20.   They drove to the friends' house to pick up a few things and then they drove the long way back to our house, while listening to music.  No deviant behavior.  No scary risk taking.  Friends, hanging out, enjoying each others company.  At least one of teens' moms knew what was going on because they were using her van, with permission.  My husband was aware of the request to go out, but he went back to sleep and didn't find out any of the details until morning.

Could that happen at your house?  Would your teen trust you enough to ask if she could go out in the middle of the night with friends?  Would your teen not ask and not go out, know that interrupting your sleep and making such a request would result in yelling, scolding, or worse?  Would your teen not bother to ask and slip out for a few hours without your knowledge?  Would your teen tell you which friends he was really going to be with?  Would she provide a fictitious plan for where she was going in order to get permission to get out of the house?

When your teen wants to do anything with their friends at any time of day or night do they have to negotiate?  Do you need to have control over where they are going, what they are doing and who they are with?  Do they have to be back at a certain time, arbitrarily set by you?  Do you wait up until they get home, pacing the floor, waiting to give them hell if they walk in the door one minute late?  Do you tell them they have to earn your trust and that if they get home late that shows they can't be trusted?

If the above describes what goes on in your house then your teen already knows that you don't trust him.  Your teen is fully aware that you need to be in control and that you don't trust her to make good choices or be responsible without considerable input and manipulation on your part.  I described the consequences of that lack of trust very clearly in my post "What can your teen tell you?"  Your teen does not need to earn your trust.  Trust is the natural result of a respectful relationship and your unconditional love.  Teens who have a trusting relationship with the adults in their lives are teens who do not need to lie or sneak around behind their parents' back.  Teens and parents who have this kind of relationship do not argue because they do not grapple for power and control.  When my daughter asked to go out I could say yes because I not only trusted her, but I also trusted her friends.  I knew that her friends would be respectful of her feelings and would do everything in their power to return her home safely after their adventures.  I have a relationship with her friends, too.  I like her friends!  We are friends on facebook and we all watch Glee together on Tuesday nights.       

In my blog post "Trust" I wrote about trust in our relationships with our children from infancy onward.

In "The other side of trust" I wrote about how our children need to be able to trust us.

If trust is not a natural part of your relationship with your teen, or your children no matter what their ages, take a moment to click on those links and read more.