UnParenting

As a parent I try to be involved in my children's lives in such a way that we are experiencing and exploring life together. I am available to help them get their needs met. I also do my best to meet their needs without being asked because we have spent their entire lives together and I know quite a bit about what they like and dislike, and how they will most likely react to certain situations or environments. I also respect their desire for independence and the fact that they are not static beings. I do my best not to take it personally when my efforts to meet their needs are rejected or fail to fit what they actually need in any given moment. If they don't need or want my help that's really okay with me, but I'm here if they do.

Some parents give their children freedom but fail to be present in their lives. They let their children do whatever they want without any support or resources. In some circles this is referred to as unparenting. At its most extreme it can be a form of neglect.

Unparenting also takes the form of parents failing to provide their children with information or guidance regarding what is appropriate in a given situation. The child is happily running in circles through a room for several minutes and then the parent yells at them and tells them to sit down and be quiet or leave the room. The child reaches for the last cookie on the platter only to have her hand slapped or the plate jerked out of reach. The child goes on an outing and doesn't have appropriate shoes or a jacket and gets scolded for not being prepared. What ever the situation, the child has been innocently doing something, happily engaged, or oblivious to something that others are aware of, and out of the blue they find themselves being yelled at, punished, scolded or shamed. Many times the parent was absorbed in some other activity or conversation and was ignoring their child up until the moment they noticed the child's behavior. They then notice that the child is "misbehaving" and in an instant the parent's negative attention is focused upon the child. To the child this can be scary, confusing, or just plain unfair.

A crucial part of parenting is providing our children with information so that they know what is appropriate or expected in a given situation. As parents we also need to be aware of our children's limits and abilities so that we can help them avoid or navigate situations that may be challenging for them in any way. Having a relationship based on trust and respect, along with having a history of providing our children with accurate factual information, makes it possible for our children to remain open and receptive to information that we provide. This process begins at a very young age. We help our children understand why we are quiet in a library or we wait for our turn to go down the slide. The more we can provide information about the "why" and help our children be prepared before they go into a new situation the easier the experience will be for both parent and child. If we manage to stay connected with our children we will be less likely to look up and react harshly or negatively when a calm and supportive response would better help our child. If we stay with our child we can provide them with information relating to our experience, "The stairs are a bit slippery here so I'm going to hold onto the railing. Would you like to hold my hand or hold onto the railing, too?" We can also help them understand expectations relating to specific public places, "It's polite to be quiet in the library because people are reading or trying to concentrate and loud noises might be distracting." And we have the opportunity to share with them why there are laws and rules about certain behaviors, "There are rules about not picking flowers in this park. We aren't allowed to pick flowers because if everyone who came here picked flowers there wouldn't be anymore flowers for other people to enjoy."

When we become a resource for accurate information our children are able to turn to us for cues as to what might be an appropriate behavior in a new situation. When we are involved in our children's lives we have a better idea of what situations are appropriate for our children and how we can support them so they can enjoy a new experience. When we remain connected with our children in any situation we are aware of what is going on with and around our children which enables us to offer positive support or information as it is needed. When we make our relationship with our children the most important priority in our life we get to have more fun as we explore the world together.

Supporting Our Children's Passions

I have made a commitment to supporting my children as they explore their interests and follow their passions. My children's passions at the very least become my interests as we learn together. I spend time researching to figure out my role as facilitator in relation to any particular passion. Many of the members of this family are still in the early stages of reconnecting with or discovering passions because we have only been focusing on our passions, instead of what outside influences said we should focus on, for about a year now.

In our family we accept that some passions come and go, while others remain for a lifetime. Each person is welcome to invest as much or as little of their time and energy into any particular passion or interest for as long or as short a time as they wish. There is no concern about wasting time with a non-permanent passion. We learn from each interest for as long as it lasts and are comfortable with the possibility that a particular interest may last for an hour or a week or for years. There is no guilt around leaving one interest for another. There are no lectures about finishing what you started or about being a quitter. There is no need to do something because we "should." Authentic engagement and intrinsic motivation determine how long each of us participates in any activity or follows a particular interest.

This commitment to supporting my children's passions involves a great deal of trust. Trust that they really know what is right for them and trust that I am capable when their passions push me out of my comfort zone. This week has had big moments of trust. One of our daughter's heard an ad on the radio about talent scouts who were coming to our area. We went on-line and checked it out as best we could. We talked about what the experience might be like and what the possibilities were that it could actually lead to her ending up with an agent and an acting career. We really didn't know what to expect, but our entire family went with her to the event. We listened, took notes, and when it was her turn she walked up to the table. The scout asked her a few questions. She gave him confident answers. He saw within her the passion, the desire, the confidence that this was what she was meant to be doing. Next thing we knew we were sitting down again listening to the realities of being parents to a child actor. Those realities don't exactly mesh with my comfort zone.

We have an invitation to an event in 2 months to meet with agents. I posted this on facebook and got the expected responses that this was a scam and we should run, not walk, the other direction. Believe me, I had my scam radar turned way up through the entire experience. My daughter and I talked about scams and about how there were no guarantees that she would end up with an agent. This is what my daughter wants to do. If I say no to going, give her a lecture about starting local and working her way up, and give in to my desire to remain within my comfort zone, I am not honoring her passion. She has always been a child full of passion. She's not a start small kind of kid. When she played soccer she wanted to be a forward or the goalie, front line or last defense and nothing in between. She wants to be a film actor, not a community theater actor. Knowing this about her I know that she wants to go to this event, walk on that stage, perform her monologue, meet agents in person and embrace the experience. She may or may not end up with an agent, but she needs to seize the opportunity and see where she ends up. I need to support her by providing her with honest information about what to expect and the possible outcomes, without giving in to my fears or unnecessary negativity. I have to trust her knowledge of herself and of what she needs to do to follow her passion.

Right now I have no way of knowing how long this particular passion will remain a part of our lives. It's possible that this time next year I will be spending a great deal of time in LA getting a lot of crocheting done while accompanying my child actor. That's so far out of my comfort zone, and outside of my knowledge base, that I can only trust that I will learn what I need to know as we go along and that I will handle each new experience with grace. On the other hand, next summer may find our family following a brand new set of passions that are completely unexpected and unknown at this moment.

I am reminded of the Kimya Dawson lyrics Jess has on his blog, "So write and write and keep on writing, Just make sure your life's exciting." A few days ago I was thinking that my life wasn't all that exciting. How wrong I was. We are living the grand adventure of following our passions. It doesn't get more exciting than that!