Living the Life You Want

Living your life the way you want it to be enables you to live your way into the life you want. We sometimes live life on hold, waiting for the right moment to begin making changes. There is no "right moment," there is only this moment. In this moment we can make choices that bring us closer to the life we dream of living. For this to work we need to have a vision, some idea of the life we want to be living. We have to know what we want for our life in order to begin living the life we want. If I say, "In my perfect life I will get up and do yoga, and then blog while drinking hot tea," I have a blueprint for my morning. When I get up I can start doing yoga, even if it's just a few minutes, and blog, even if it's just a few sentences, while drinking hot tea. Now I'm living my dream life. I may only be living it for fifteen minutes each morning, but I am moving in the direction of living the life I want to live.

This same concept applies to parenthood. If we have a vision of the relationship we want to have with our children when they are older we can start making choices, living the life, that will bring us to that relationship years in the future. We may say, "When my child is 18 I would like for us to have a close relationship. I would like to be able to talk openly about life and social issues and choices and passions. I want to enjoy spending time together." Perhaps you picture your relationship when your child is even older. "If my child chooses to have children, it is my that hope she will welcome my involvement in their lives. When my child is an adult I would like to continue to have a close, loving, fun relationship."

When I remember to ask myself, "How will this affect my relationship with my child?" I can make decisions that strengthen our connection in each moment. Each time I make a choice that creates connection, nurtures trust, and enables us to both feel understood, I am creating the relationship we will have 20 years into the future right now, in this moment.

I have some clear hopes for the future of this family. I want my children to be comfortable in their skin and I want them to feel accepted and loved for who they are, not just for what they do. As my children grow older I want them to know that this is their home as long as they want to be here. And when they do venture off into the world, I want them to know that they will always be welcome to return and stay where ever their parents might be living at the time. It is my hope that my girls will grow up as attached and loving sisters who enjoy each other. It is also my hope that they will continue to enjoy my company and the company of their father. I want our family to continue to have fun and enjoy exploring life together, even when we are all grown up and living our own lives more separately. And in the future, if the time comes when I need a place to stay, I hope they will feel comfortable welcoming me into their homes without hesitation.

Watching the interactions of the parents and children around me can be like looking into a crystal ball. The vision of their future can be very clear. I see the connection or the disconnection and I am reminded that my choices in this moment influence the relationship I will have with my children in the future. I cannot parent with praise and punishment, and expect my child to feel my unconditional love. I cannot require my children to grow up to be the person I want them to be, and expect them to feel comfortable being authentic around me when they are an adult. I cannot parent using the withdrawal of attention, approval, love or my presence, and expect my child to trust that I will be there for them no matter what. If I choose to parent through manipulation and control I should not be shocked when my teenager feels the need to separate from me to be her own person, or to hang out with friends who like her just the way she is. If I do not treat my child with respect it should come as no surprise that she does not treat me with respect.

My interactions with my children each day, my attitude towards them as they pass through the many stages of life, my ability to choose to act from a place of connection, respect, trust and unconditional love in each moment determines the relationship we will have 10 years from now. Because I have a vision for our relationship I am looking forward to our future together. I think about how amazing it will be when there are three teenage girls living in this house! 

What kind of relationship do you want with your children when they are teens? What do you want it to be like when they are 40? How do you want them to relate to you when you are 80? Is it time to create a positive vision for your future together?

Today was a "Good Day"

Wednesday I felt like a successful unschooler. We had one of those magical days full of activity, wonder, social connection and diversity that other unschooling parents post about.

I got up early and saw Jess off to work. After watering the garden I started a blog post and caught up on my e-mails and facebook before the girls were awake. I cheerfully greeted my three girls and our visiting girl. I offered a variety of food with no takers, so I turned the whole kitchen table into a monkey platter. I called the airport and found that the cell phone of visiting girl had been turned in to lost and found, and I arranged for transportation for girls to the airport since the car was at work.

The girls worked on recording a song and planning a music video. They played computer games and watched youtube videos. They walked to the park and our wonderful corner gas station where they bought goodies. They fit in some dramatic play and a visit to the neighbor's chickens. We added another girl to the mix while her mom stayed for coffee and her dad was the taxi to the airport. My youngest passed some time sketching amazing pictures that are now on the refrigerator. More friends came over. We experimented with using coconut oil to help start a fire. Soon there were six girls on the patio making s'mores. Another friend and her young son stopped by. We visited while he explored our house for the first time and I made the dough for our pizza dinner.

Somewhere in all of this we got the hamster out and discovered that she had mites, so the girls treated her while I cleaned out her entire cage. After dinner two of the girls made cookies. My oldest daughter and I went for our nightly walk. Afterward, even though it was very late, my youngest wanted a walk and we ended up seeing the most amazing meteor ever!

Along the way I managed to fit into the day washing 4 loads of laundry, 2 loads of dishes and a sink full of pots and bowls, vacuuming the downstairs, scrubbing the upstairs shower, picking beans and pea pods in the garden, making food as needed, and planning my next crochet project.

It was a very good day.

Upon reflection, I realized that while these are the days we tend to write about because there is a lot going on externally. That doesn't make them more valuable than other days, it just makes them more interesting to other people. Every day is valuable, but some days what is going on is more internal. Resting, recovering, growing, processing, reflecting, and relaxing are all vitally important to our physical and mental well being, not to mention our creative processes. They are also not very impressive to the casual observer.

One of the concepts that can challenge people new to unschooling is that one activity is not more valuable than another. We get sucked into thinking that spending the day reading about American history is more worth while than a day spent playing computer games. We can feel that a day spent writing a story is more worth while than a day spent staring out the window. We may think that spending the day with a group of people is more worth while than a day spent alone in a room. We think that a successful experiment is more worth while than a failure.

The truth is that if every day were as packed full as Wednesday, I would burn out before a week was half over. In a society that focuses on external activities, and fitting as much as possible into the schedule, I find life much more enjoyable, and learning much more possible, when we are free to have days full of nothing as well as days full of everything. A local radio station recently had a "busy mom" contest. As the DJ went on and on about how busy the winner was I realized that I am not a busy mom. The thought made me smile. My schedule does not have to be packed full beyond capacity for my life to be complete. I do not need to be over scheduled to feel successful.

Life is a flow of activity and rest. Busy times and times to reflect. Time to stare out the window and think thoughts, and time to write those thoughts down in a story. Every day is of value, every experience leads to learning, and every moment we are living authentically is worth our while. Every day is a good day.