At least one reader felt that my solution to yelling in my post "You can stop yelling at your children" was trite. For parents who are just trying to get through the day any advice can sound unrealistic. The feeling of "that's easy for you to say...." bubbles quickly to the surface. My closing, "You can stop yelling at your children. Start by focusing on your relationships, letting go of your expectations and meeting the needs of each family member" would have pushed my buttons when I was struggling through each day with three children ages 4 and under. I would have told you that all I did was meet my family's needs: laundry, dishes, cooking, nursing, and changing diapers. If you felt that way about the post, I hope you will go back to it and click on some of the links to past blogs. The past blogs go into more detail and explain what I meant by focusing on relationships, and to which expectations and needs I was referring.
I would like to offer another key to ending the yelling and conflict in your home: Identify and neutralize the Triggers. What are topics that cause conflict? What behaviors seem to trigger yelling? Try paying attention to what causes you to yell, or starts you down the path towards conflict. If you tend to get busy and forget what you are trying to paying attention to, write a note that says, "What are the triggers?" and put it on your refrigerator, mirror, back door, or where ever you will see it as you go about your daily activities.
Typical triggers are: bedtime, homework, chores, money, playing/hanging out with friends, clothes, shoes, hair, makeup, required family activities, food, sibling conflict, video games, television, computers and cell phones.
Once you have identified the triggers, neutralize them. Neutralize them? What does that mean? A trigger is something that initiates or causes a reaction. In this case we are talking about something that causes us to react by yelling. To neutralize them we have to take away their power. We must find a way to stop letting them cause conflict in our relationships. The quickest and easiest way to do this is to let go. When you stop trying to have control over the trigger there will no longer be a reason to yell. Make it your goal to parent through connection. When you focus on connecting with your children instead of controlling them or their behaviors it allows you to focus on relationships. You can step back and ask yourself, "What does my child need?" "How can I meet my child's needs?" "How is my behavior affecting my relationship with my child?" When you live a life of mutual respect it makes time spent together as a family more peaceful. When you have a relationship based on trust each family member can relax. Each person isn't fighting to get their needs met, to get attention, to win approval, to feel loved. Each person knows that they are loved and cherished unconditionally, they don't have to earn their place in the family. Unconditional parenting involves love, respect, trust and communication. It does not involve bribes, threats, punishments, discipline, time out, logical consequences, praise or shaming . When you parent unconditionally the triggers are neutralized. You are no longer telling your child that they must meet your expectations in order to earn your approval, appreciation or love. When you let go of trying to control your child's behavior you can focus on loving your child and enjoying your life together.
If your parenting at this time involves bribes, threats, punishments, discipline, time out, logical consequences, praise or shaming, you need to understand that when you let go, when you embrace unconditional parenting, when you remove the expectations that your child previously was forced to meet, your child will most likely revel in this new freedom. You must truly let go for the process of becoming a family of connection, respect and partnership to unfold. Your child has to know the freedom is consistent, that you are not going to jerk back on the reins and punish them for their enthusiasm for this new way of life. They must be free to say, "No" when you ask them to assist you with setting the table. They must be free to make their own choices. And the more you have been controlling the more dramatic the child's response to their new freedom may be, and the harder you are going to have to work at letting go and building the trust that has not been present in your relationship. If you have been parenting through extreme control or manipulation, and depending on the age and personalities of your kids, it may be best if you let go of one area at a time. At our house our children were older when we changed to unconditional parenting and it worked well for us to explain to our children how we were going to be parenting. This freed them up from feeling confused when we completely changed our attitudes about things like candy and bedtimes. It also allowed them to support us in our changes. They could point out to us when we were slipping into old patterns. When we were less than the parents we wanted to be they would tell us, "Your being conditional." This was extremely helpful since we could change course right in that moment.
What are your triggers?
Do you yell at your children because they won't clean up their rooms? Accept that the rooms are their space and it is their choice if they clean. Ask them if they would like help cleaning, but the minute you start feeling tension creeping into the situation take a break, get a snack, go outside
Is your child refusing to go to bed at night? Remove your expectations about bedtime and start looking at night time as a time to connect and enjoy quiet time together. Read books, snuggle, watch a movie until they fall asleep.
Do you yell about homework? Homework is not more important than your relationship with your child. Visit Alfie Kohn's site to learn more about the realities of homework, or read his article on "Changing the Homework Default."
Do you yell about food? Do you argue about how much your child should eat? Shame them for eating too much? Bribe them into eating more? Fight about candy? Read about my journey of letting go of candy in my post "I Love Candy."
Read more about letting go of control (and a whole lot more) at Joyce Fetteroll's site: Joyfullyrejoicing
And visit Sandra Dodd's page on Parenting Peacefully.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Fanaticism
There is only one topic about which I expect to continue learning and growing but to never change my position, one area where I am fanatical: Children must have their needs met. My daughter says that should not be considered fanatical, it should be considered normal.
I really don't care how you parent, how you live, what your religion is, what your eating habits are, who you vote for or pretty much anything else. Live how you want to live, but make sure your children's needs are being met.
What are your children's needs?
Food, shelter, love, having their feelings and experiences validated, to feel understood, being able to speak honestly with safety to their parents, being loved unconditionally as they are, for who they are. To feel loved and valued just because they are alive.
Live however you want to live, but realize that your child is their own person and may need to live differently. Your child may need to eat a different diet, sleep on a different schedule, or follow a different spiritual path. They may need to ride the roller coaster while you wait holding your breath at the bottom, or they may need to wait at the bottom while you go for a ride. Do not let your beliefs, your way of life, or anything else become more important than your child. Do not let your fanaticism get in the way of your relationship with your child.
Merriam-Webster defines fanatic as, "marked by excessive enthusiasm and often intense uncritical devotion." I know a lot of fanatics. Religious fanatics, dietary fanatics, spiritual fanatics, exercise fanatics, fanatics of various healing methods, political fanatics, and unschooling fanatics. Enthusiasm is good, passion is a wonderful thing. Having a cause, a calling, a belief, something that gives us a feeling of belonging or community, enriches our lives and gives us a reason to get up each morning. However, when we go past enthusiasm to the point of "intense uncritical devotion," when we stop asking questions, when we refuse to consider that someone else's views might be valid, when we are completely uncritical of our own beliefs and values, we risk becoming fanatics.
Nothing is more important to me than meeting the needs of my children. Nothing is more important than my relationship with my children. Nothing. Not even high fructose corn syrup, not even saving the planet. In the last 20 years I have changed my values or beliefs regarding God, eating meat, and the school system, just for starters. I continue to learn and grow. Things that I thought I would never do I have done and things I thought I would always do I have given up. I have been a vegetarian for a dozen years. Where as once I chose to eat meat, I no longer do. And once I would have told you that everyone should be a vegetarian, but I no longer believe that. I know that in the future I may one day eat meat again. My children are all vegetarians at this point, but they are free to eat meat if they choose. And if they choose to eat meat they will not get lectures or guilt, by way of obvious guilt trips or passive aggressive comments and behaviors. They are free to eat as they choose and to try different ways of eating to see what fits their lives and their bodies.
When it comes to parenting, I cannot say that everyone should parent any one way. I cannot say that I have all the answers and that the way our family lives is the only way to be a happy, healthy, connected family. Your child may go to school, do chores, have a bedtime and eat a restricted diet because of life threatening illness or allergy. Your family's life may look very different from mine. You child may stay up all night, sleep all day, play World of Warcraft for eight hours straight and not take a shower more than once a month. Your child may thrive on structure or your child may need to live spontaneously. What matters is your relationship with your child and your child's freedom to be who they are. If your child goes to school and their needs are being met, that's great. If your child does assigned chores because they truly are happy to help,and not because of the reasons described Here, fine. What matters is that your children are respected, have a voice, can make their own choices and have those choices respected. What matters is that the needs of everyone in the family are considered equally important and valid.
What areas of your life border on fanaticism? Is there some value, belief or issue that you are making more important than your children? Remember, nothing is more important than your relationship with your children. Please make sure you are meeting their needs.
I talked extensively about meeting the needs of children in my post, "The Easy Button of Parenting."
And in follow up I wrote, "Identifying needs that need meeting."
I really don't care how you parent, how you live, what your religion is, what your eating habits are, who you vote for or pretty much anything else. Live how you want to live, but make sure your children's needs are being met.
What are your children's needs?
Food, shelter, love, having their feelings and experiences validated, to feel understood, being able to speak honestly with safety to their parents, being loved unconditionally as they are, for who they are. To feel loved and valued just because they are alive.
Live however you want to live, but realize that your child is their own person and may need to live differently. Your child may need to eat a different diet, sleep on a different schedule, or follow a different spiritual path. They may need to ride the roller coaster while you wait holding your breath at the bottom, or they may need to wait at the bottom while you go for a ride. Do not let your beliefs, your way of life, or anything else become more important than your child. Do not let your fanaticism get in the way of your relationship with your child.
Merriam-Webster defines fanatic as, "marked by excessive enthusiasm and often intense uncritical devotion." I know a lot of fanatics. Religious fanatics, dietary fanatics, spiritual fanatics, exercise fanatics, fanatics of various healing methods, political fanatics, and unschooling fanatics. Enthusiasm is good, passion is a wonderful thing. Having a cause, a calling, a belief, something that gives us a feeling of belonging or community, enriches our lives and gives us a reason to get up each morning. However, when we go past enthusiasm to the point of "intense uncritical devotion," when we stop asking questions, when we refuse to consider that someone else's views might be valid, when we are completely uncritical of our own beliefs and values, we risk becoming fanatics.
Nothing is more important to me than meeting the needs of my children. Nothing is more important than my relationship with my children. Nothing. Not even high fructose corn syrup, not even saving the planet. In the last 20 years I have changed my values or beliefs regarding God, eating meat, and the school system, just for starters. I continue to learn and grow. Things that I thought I would never do I have done and things I thought I would always do I have given up. I have been a vegetarian for a dozen years. Where as once I chose to eat meat, I no longer do. And once I would have told you that everyone should be a vegetarian, but I no longer believe that. I know that in the future I may one day eat meat again. My children are all vegetarians at this point, but they are free to eat meat if they choose. And if they choose to eat meat they will not get lectures or guilt, by way of obvious guilt trips or passive aggressive comments and behaviors. They are free to eat as they choose and to try different ways of eating to see what fits their lives and their bodies.
When it comes to parenting, I cannot say that everyone should parent any one way. I cannot say that I have all the answers and that the way our family lives is the only way to be a happy, healthy, connected family. Your child may go to school, do chores, have a bedtime and eat a restricted diet because of life threatening illness or allergy. Your family's life may look very different from mine. You child may stay up all night, sleep all day, play World of Warcraft for eight hours straight and not take a shower more than once a month. Your child may thrive on structure or your child may need to live spontaneously. What matters is your relationship with your child and your child's freedom to be who they are. If your child goes to school and their needs are being met, that's great. If your child does assigned chores because they truly are happy to help,and not because of the reasons described Here, fine. What matters is that your children are respected, have a voice, can make their own choices and have those choices respected. What matters is that the needs of everyone in the family are considered equally important and valid.
What areas of your life border on fanaticism? Is there some value, belief or issue that you are making more important than your children? Remember, nothing is more important than your relationship with your children. Please make sure you are meeting their needs.
I talked extensively about meeting the needs of children in my post, "The Easy Button of Parenting."
And in follow up I wrote, "Identifying needs that need meeting."
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