Most parents will tell you that they are preparing their children for life. Most people would agree that this is part of the parental job description. My question is, what kind of life are we preparing them for?
Parents justify all kinds of parenting decisions by saying, "That's just the way life is." When a child has a teacher who is harsh and negative, or one they just don't get along with, a parent will say, "She needs to learn how to deal with people like that because some day she will have to work for a boss who is like this teacher." When a child doesn't like the food that the parent prepared for dinner the parent may say, "This is what's for dinner, you need to learn to eat what you are given. There will be times in life where you don't have a choice about what you eat." When a child is teased by another child the parent may say it is a normal part of childhood and that their child needs to toughen up. When a child tries a new sport or activity, and finds out that they really don't enjoy it, their parent will say that they can't quit. They need to learn how to stick with what they have started. The parent will tell you the child needs to learn how to deal with things they don't enjoy doing because they will have a job in the future they don't like. Parents tell their kids that that is just the way life is.
Parents tell their children that they must do what they are told, be respectful of adults, go to bed at a specific time, go to school, complete their homework and do chores. Parents tell their children how much time they can spend on the computer, who they should be friends with, and what and when to eat. Parents try to prepare children for life by controlling them, teaching them lessons, and making them do the things that adults have decided are important. Parents do this because they want to be good parents. They do these things because this is how it was done by their parents before them. Parents often say that they do these things to prepare their children for life. They do these things because they want their children to be prepared for how life is.
How often do we as parents stop and ask why life is the way it is? Do we stop and ask ourselves if we want our child to live in a world were life is set up so that people have bosses they don't get along with and jobs they don't enjoy? Do we consider what life would be like if everyone ate food they liked when they were hungry and participated in activities because the activities brought them joy? Have we considered that not only does life not have to be the way it is, but that life is rapidly changing and it isn't how it was 20 years ago and it won't be the same 20 years from now. We really have no idea what life in the future will be like, we have no idea what the world we are preparing our children to live in as adults will be like.
When we prepare our children for life by teaching them lessons based on the "That's just how life is and you need learn to deal with that" philosophy we are helping to perpetuate life like it is. If we teach our children to accept a life with bosses they don't get along with and jobs they don't enjoy, what life are we preparing them for? Is that the life you would wish for your children?
The next time you say to your kids, "That's just how life is..." or something similar, ask yourself if that is true. Parents tell their children that they have to go to school, that's just how life is. But that's not true. My children don't go to school. Their life isn't like that.
Instead of perpetuating how life is, ask yourself, "What kind of life do I want for my family?" "What do I want my children to know about how life is?"
I want my children to know what foods they enjoy and when they are hungry. I want my children to know how to recognize if a situation, job, relationship, or activity brings them joy. I want them to know how to remove themselves from situations that are not healthy. I want my children to know how to use the resources around them to learn whatever they want to learn. I want my children to know that there are all different kinds of ways to live life and I will be right here with them as they explore the options. I want my children to know that they do not have to accept someone else's definition of how life is.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
Compassion
I am presently reading "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are" by Brené Brown, which I decided to read after watching the author's Ted Talk "The Power of Vulnerability. In the book, Brené Brown talks about how we need to be compassionate and accepting in order to create connection with the people in our lives. I agree with that.
She went on to say, "...if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior." (Brown,2010,p.17) This statement did not ring true for me. I kept reading as she described a work situation where the boss was frustrated because two of his employees did not listen and would always do things their own way even after he made sure they understood every detail of a project. Her answer was to hold the employees accountable for not following the project protocol. She said the boss should tell them that that he was going to write them up or give them an official warning the next time they didn't do things according to protocol. This was holding them accountable. She went on to generalize this idea, "We can confront someone about their behavior, or fire someone, or discipline a child without berating them or putting them down. The key is to separate people from their behaviors - to address what they're doing, not who they are." (Brown,2010,p.18.)
And with that, she had completely lost my agreement. Looking at the work situation I see a boss who says it has to be done one way and employees who consistently do it a different way. Without knowing anything else about the situation I have to ask "why?" " Why is it so important that they do it a specific way?" and "Why do they always do it differently even if they understand how they are supposed to be doing it?" It seems much better for the relationship between the boss and the employees, and for the general work environment, for the boss to find out why the employees are not doing their work according to protocol. There has to be a reason. Employees do not willfully do something against protocol without a reason. Separating the people from the behavior takes away all understanding of why they feel the need for that behavior.
The same is even more true for our children. Children are their behaviors. If you say to a child,"You aren't bad, but your behavior is," however nicely you want to phrase that, you are still saying to the child that they aren't good enough. A child doesn't behave randomly. There is a reason for every behavior. As a parent we need to figure out what need our child is trying to get met through the behavior. When we show compassion for our children we take the time to validate their feelings and experiences. When we take the time to understand the Why? of a behavior our children feel understood, listened to and loved. Children use behaviors to get their needs met. When we as parents focus on stopping behaviors we are only exacerbating the situation, as I explained in my post "Problem Behaviors."
Brené Brown concludes that section of the chapter by saying,"When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated....It is also impossible to practice compassion from a place of resentment. If we're going to practice acceptance and compassion, we need boundaries and accountability." (Brown, 2020,p.19)
Even though she quotes Pema Chödrön in preceding paragraphs regarding compassion, it seems that Brené Brown does not actually understand the Buddhist practice of compassion. Our compassion does not rely on anything outside of ourselves. We can bring compassion to every interaction in our lives, even with those people who we feel have mistreated us and those we have feelings of anger towards. No one needs to change anything before we can practice compassion, they do not need to be held accountable for their behaviors. The only person we need to hold accountable is our self. Are we acting with compassion? Are we doing our best to understand the "Why?" behind someone's behavior? Similarly, the boundaries we may set are for ourselves. We may say, "I will not let you hurt me," and we may remove our self from the situation.
I recently found myself at a red light behind a large pickup truck with truly unpleasant political bumper stickers. I found myself thinking negative thoughts about the driver. Then I remembered a blog post from Single Dad Laughing which said, "And so, I will ask you now to not hate the bullies. Experience tells me that hating them, or being angry with them, will always make it worse. Instead, put your arm around them. Love them. Tell them that they are valuable. Tell them that you expect great things from them. They will stop the bullying. They will stop, because they will start to love themselves. And people who love themselves don't bully others." I started thinking about the driver of the truck as someone who could really use a hug. I felt compassion for someone who felt so angry at the world. Nothing changed but my perspective. I chose to feel compassion for the driver.
We do not need to hold people accountable for their behavior in order to live a life of compassion. We need to hold our selves accountable for our thoughts and behaviors. We must cultivate a spirit of compassion for everyone around us so that our response to their behaviors is not limited to reacting and trying to make their behaviors stop.
I found it interesting that the Dalai Lama's message on compassion speaks specifically to the needs of children, starting at conception and continuing through childhood. "Then there is the critical period of brain development from the time of birth up to at least the age of three or four, during which time loving physical contact is the single most important factor for the normal growth of the child. If the child is not held, hugged, cuddled, or loved, its development will be impaired and its brain will not mature properly." This was taken from the middle, visit the Dalai Lama's website to read his message on compassion in its entirely.
Sometimes when we come across a passage in a book that challenges us we find that there is a shift that needs to take place in our lives or in our thinking. We may feel defensive and realize that this is a signal that we need to look more deeply, with an open mind, into something we believe to be true. Other times we may realize that while much of what a particular writer or speaker says is in agreement with our own beliefs and philosophies, we take exception to something in particular. We need to examine the Why? of our own feelings and reactions in order to gain a clearer understanding of the person we want to be and the life we want to live.
She went on to say, "...if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior." (Brown,2010,p.17) This statement did not ring true for me. I kept reading as she described a work situation where the boss was frustrated because two of his employees did not listen and would always do things their own way even after he made sure they understood every detail of a project. Her answer was to hold the employees accountable for not following the project protocol. She said the boss should tell them that that he was going to write them up or give them an official warning the next time they didn't do things according to protocol. This was holding them accountable. She went on to generalize this idea, "We can confront someone about their behavior, or fire someone, or discipline a child without berating them or putting them down. The key is to separate people from their behaviors - to address what they're doing, not who they are." (Brown,2010,p.18.)
And with that, she had completely lost my agreement. Looking at the work situation I see a boss who says it has to be done one way and employees who consistently do it a different way. Without knowing anything else about the situation I have to ask "why?" " Why is it so important that they do it a specific way?" and "Why do they always do it differently even if they understand how they are supposed to be doing it?" It seems much better for the relationship between the boss and the employees, and for the general work environment, for the boss to find out why the employees are not doing their work according to protocol. There has to be a reason. Employees do not willfully do something against protocol without a reason. Separating the people from the behavior takes away all understanding of why they feel the need for that behavior.
The same is even more true for our children. Children are their behaviors. If you say to a child,"You aren't bad, but your behavior is," however nicely you want to phrase that, you are still saying to the child that they aren't good enough. A child doesn't behave randomly. There is a reason for every behavior. As a parent we need to figure out what need our child is trying to get met through the behavior. When we show compassion for our children we take the time to validate their feelings and experiences. When we take the time to understand the Why? of a behavior our children feel understood, listened to and loved. Children use behaviors to get their needs met. When we as parents focus on stopping behaviors we are only exacerbating the situation, as I explained in my post "Problem Behaviors."
Brené Brown concludes that section of the chapter by saying,"When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated....It is also impossible to practice compassion from a place of resentment. If we're going to practice acceptance and compassion, we need boundaries and accountability." (Brown, 2020,p.19)
Even though she quotes Pema Chödrön in preceding paragraphs regarding compassion, it seems that Brené Brown does not actually understand the Buddhist practice of compassion. Our compassion does not rely on anything outside of ourselves. We can bring compassion to every interaction in our lives, even with those people who we feel have mistreated us and those we have feelings of anger towards. No one needs to change anything before we can practice compassion, they do not need to be held accountable for their behaviors. The only person we need to hold accountable is our self. Are we acting with compassion? Are we doing our best to understand the "Why?" behind someone's behavior? Similarly, the boundaries we may set are for ourselves. We may say, "I will not let you hurt me," and we may remove our self from the situation.
I recently found myself at a red light behind a large pickup truck with truly unpleasant political bumper stickers. I found myself thinking negative thoughts about the driver. Then I remembered a blog post from Single Dad Laughing which said, "And so, I will ask you now to not hate the bullies. Experience tells me that hating them, or being angry with them, will always make it worse. Instead, put your arm around them. Love them. Tell them that they are valuable. Tell them that you expect great things from them. They will stop the bullying. They will stop, because they will start to love themselves. And people who love themselves don't bully others." I started thinking about the driver of the truck as someone who could really use a hug. I felt compassion for someone who felt so angry at the world. Nothing changed but my perspective. I chose to feel compassion for the driver.
We do not need to hold people accountable for their behavior in order to live a life of compassion. We need to hold our selves accountable for our thoughts and behaviors. We must cultivate a spirit of compassion for everyone around us so that our response to their behaviors is not limited to reacting and trying to make their behaviors stop.
"True compassion is not just an emotional response
but a firm commitment founded on reason.
Therefore, a truly compassionate attitude towards others
does not change
even if they behave negatively."
- The Dalai Lama
I found it interesting that the Dalai Lama's message on compassion speaks specifically to the needs of children, starting at conception and continuing through childhood. "Then there is the critical period of brain development from the time of birth up to at least the age of three or four, during which time loving physical contact is the single most important factor for the normal growth of the child. If the child is not held, hugged, cuddled, or loved, its development will be impaired and its brain will not mature properly." This was taken from the middle, visit the Dalai Lama's website to read his message on compassion in its entirely.
Sometimes when we come across a passage in a book that challenges us we find that there is a shift that needs to take place in our lives or in our thinking. We may feel defensive and realize that this is a signal that we need to look more deeply, with an open mind, into something we believe to be true. Other times we may realize that while much of what a particular writer or speaker says is in agreement with our own beliefs and philosophies, we take exception to something in particular. We need to examine the Why? of our own feelings and reactions in order to gain a clearer understanding of the person we want to be and the life we want to live.
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