Adult Child and Parent Relationships

The parent child relationship is constantly changing. From a newborn's total dependency on the parent to the geriatric's dependency on their adult child, through crawling to walking to running to driving a car, to having to tell a parent that they can no longer drive, it's the natural life-cycle of a family. Some families struggle through the changes. The parents aren't ready for their child to grow up or they push their child towards independence. The child wants to climb and the parent wants them safely on the ground. The parent wants the child to use the potty and the child isn't ready to leave diapers behind. The child is ready to stay out late with friends and the parent isn't ready to trust them on their own. The child is ready to be an adult and take responsibility for their life and their parent isn't ready to let go of their illusion of control. The child doesn't feel ready to leave home and yet the parent feels the need to push them out of the house. The child may not feel ready for their parent's dependency and being responsible for their own life as well as that of their parent. The parent may resent their adult child's involvement in their life decisions or the dependency that can come with aging.

The families I know that have had the smoothest transitions, who have passed through the stages and ages of family life with the most grace and humor and love, are the families who have based their relationships on respect, truly unconditional love, and acceptance of each family member as the individual they are. In these families the relationships change gradually over the years. The children have been making decisions and choices and learning who they are and where their passions lie. The parents have been supporting their child as they all learn and grow together, being actively involved in their child's daily life. The child trusts the parents to be there no matter what, the parents trust the child to reach out for help when it's needed. Over the years this naturally transitions to larger and larger life decisions and choices, greater trust and a shift to where the parents know that the child is there for them just as much as they have been there for their child. The mutual trust and respect provides them with a solid foundation for relationships as adults, not just as parents and children.

In families with parenting that is based on control through punishment, rewards, and conditional approval this natural progression can fail to take place. The relationship between the parent and the child does not have a foundation of trust and respect, the child often reaches adulthood still trying to win their parent's love and approval. The parent is often still trying to control the child in subtle and not so subtle ways. Since the natural progression in the relationship, from child to parent into adult to adult, did not take place gradually the parent may struggle with knowing when to start treating their child like an adult.

When should we start treating a child like an adult? Often when a question or statement is made along these lines someone will jump in and say "Children aren't adults! You can't expect a two year old to know not to run out into the street!" Let me be very clear about what I'm saying so as to avoid those types of comments. I'm not talking about behaviors or developmentally appropriate environments or anything remotely along the lines of children being allowed or expected to do things that are not safe. I am talking about relationships and how we interact with other people. Put another way it could be said, "When should we start interacting with a child as if they were a person?" Well guess what? Children are people. They are born with preferences and personality and unique abilities. As Horton said, "A person's a person no matter how small."

When we recognize the person inside that tiny baby, and we encourage the individual exploring the world as a toddler, and support that child following their passions and are there for the teen when they need a place to come home to after they've been adventuring, we feel comfortable in our relationship with the adult our child becomes.

If, in the future, I become a parent who is dependent on my children for care I'm going to have to depend on that relationship with my children . It is my hope that my children will continue to treat me as a person even if I'm unable to care for myself. I certainly don't want my children saying, "Mom, you can't have ice-cream until after you eat your broccoli." That's one of my more selfish reasons for parenting unconditionally. :)

Approval Junkie

I recently wrote a short note, published it on facebook and then asked my husband if it was okay. He responded that he wasn't going to tell me that anymore. If you had seen inside my mind in that moment it's likely you would have been laughing or sadly saying "this woman needs serious help." My first internal reaction was shock and panic and desperation wrapped into a whirring ball that quickly lodged in my stomach. How could he not tell me if what I was writing was okay? I needed that feedback! I needed that approval and affirmation and "good job."

That instant of desperation gave me a glimpse of my inner approval junkie. The people pleasing middle child perfectionist who is afraid to speak up without preplanning what to say, wants everyone to be happy, wants to avoid conflict, and would rather have people assume she has nothing to say than to open her mouth and risk sounding stupid is still hiding inside. She shows up after almost every social event when I turn to Jess and ask, "Did I do okay?" She comes out when I'm trying to decide what the heck to wear. She doubts my ability to choose paint colors, raise children, write anything meaningful and coherent, and to handle new and unknown situations. She has been internalizing messages of approval and disapproval since I was born and she knows that I should not trust myself to know what to do, how to do it, or if what I'm doing measures up. She also knows that I shouldn't trust my own emotions, that at any given time I'm over reacting, afraid of something that is nothing to be afraid of, or being a worry wort.

As a parent I want my children to grow up knowing who they are, not internalizing who they should be.

When you internalize from birth who you should be in order to gain approval or love or affection from the adults in your life (or to avoid pain, punishment and criticism) it is amazingly difficult to know as an adult who you really are. It's disconcerting to realize that you aren't who you are, you are who other people wanted you to become.

I'm pretty sure I was 21 years old before I made a major decision that did not have my parents' approval. Here I am, 21 years after that, no longer seeking anyone's approval, but still struggling to figure out who I am beneath the ingrained messages and conditioned responses. It turns out I am many things I used to think that I was not, including: creative, smart, brave, and fun. My self-discovery continues and my inner approval junkie's need to surface is decreasing as I learn to separate my own voice from the messages from my childhood. My children and I are discovering who we are as we explore life and our interests together. What a blessing that they didn't have to live for two decades before they started this journey.



Alfie Kohn mentions "praise junkies" in the following essay: "Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job." http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm

You might also want to read "Parental Love with Strings Attached"
http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/conditional.htm

and for the larger picture read his book "Unconditional Parenting."