Facebook provides many insights into people's parenting, their attitudes about children, and their relationships with their children. I previously wrote on this topic in my post "What your words say about you." Recently a mother posted that her child did not want to go to school. She admitted that the child did not like school and would do anything to stay home, including faking being sick. She was obviously frustrated and angry. Other mothers responded that they knew exactly how she felt. Some moms had rules like "If you are not vomiting, bleeding or have a fever you have to go to school." And one mom suggested that the frustrated mother make staying home worse than going to school. The moms lamented that they did not know when their children were telling the truth and that made them mad.
I understand how these mothers feel. When my girls were still attending school it was not uncommon for me to decide if they were well enough to go to school. There were times when I sent my girls to school even though they did not want to go. For at least one of my children this was damaging, and I am deeply sorry for the times I made her get on the school bus despite her tears. As parents we are inclined to give in to the power and control of the school system. We are made to think that it is our duty and responsibility to make our children go to school. We end up believing that it is in our children's best interest to get on that bus. We stop listening to our inner wisdom and we stop listening to our children.
The child mentioned above told the truth: She did not like school. She did not want to go to school. When her mother could not or would not hear that truth, the child did what she needed to do to get her needs met: she faked being sick. Then her mother got angry. There is a good chance that the mom's anger was stemming from her conflict between being a good mother and meeting her child's needs, and being the good mother the school system told her to be and sending her child to school. Perhaps she also needed to get to work and was feeling stress from that as well.
There are many reasons children do not like school. Not all of them are life threatening, but each of them needs to be taken seriously. As a parent it is your job to advocate for your children and make sure that their needs are being met. The school system is focused on test scores and managing behavior, not on making sure your children are having their needs met. Having spent six years volunteering in public school classrooms I can assure you that meeting the diverse needs of 25 children in one classroom is not possible. Living in a world where many children go to before and after school childcare, as well as spending over six hours a day in the classroom, very few children are getting even their most basic needs met. If your child is not one of the daycare kids, they are still in a classroom with children who spend up to twelve hours of their day in the care of someone other than their parents. The behaviors caused by the unmet needs of these children consume the time and energy of their teachers.
Home should be a refuge, to suggest that a parent make staying home worse than going to school is tragic. Home should be the safe place, the soft spot in a hard world, the place where a child knows they are safe, loved, cherished, listened to and respected. If you choose to make staying home worse than going to school there is a good chance you will not be seeing much of your children once they are old enough to choose where they spend their time. Not all children in our world have the luxury of a home that is a refuge. For some children school is their only safe place and for these children my heart aches.
If you have a child who does not want to go to school please find out why. Listen to your child. With teen suicides making the news on a disturbingly frequent basis it seems all the more urgent for each of us to connect with our children. If your child does not want to go to school there may be very serious reasons. Some parents do not find out what they were until they are reading their child's suicide note.
Please listen to your children. If your children are unhappy in the school system bring them home. There are many different ways to learn and there is a way that is a good fit for you and your children. If you need help finding options or resources please ask, I would be happy to help.
Remember that nothing is more important than your relationship with your child. That includes school.
For more reasons your child might not want to go to school read Peter Gray's article at Psychology Today, "Why Children Protest Going to School: More evolutionary mismatch."
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
What can your teen tell you?
Your teens must know that they can tell you anything - ANYTHING - and you will respond with love and compassion. If you parent by controlling your teen's behavior through punishment, they will fear telling you the truth because they know the consequences. If you parent by controlling your teen's behavior through shaming, they will not tell you the truth because they risk humiliation. If you parent by controlling your teen's behavior through criticism, they will not tell you the truth because they risk judgment. If you parent in any way that fails to create a climate of trust, unconditional love and connection in your family then you are literally putting your teen's lives at risk.
If your teen is being bullied at school they need to feel safe telling you about their suffering. Would your daughter feel comfortable telling you that other girls are calling her a slut and spreading nasty rumors? Would your son be able to tell you that a couple boys ganged up on him in the locker room and gave him a wedgie? If your teen broached the subject and said she was being bullied would you discount or disregard what she said, or would you listen in a way that would support her in telling you more of the details?
If your teen goes to a friends house, the parents aren't home and the party gets uncomfortably rowdy, will your teen feel that she can call you to get a ride home? Does she know that you will not lecture her about her choices, ground her or yell at her all the way home?
If your teen is depressed can he tell you? Will you pass it off as typical teenage angst or will you take the time to get him the help he needs?
If your teen has questions about her sexuality, if your teen thinks he might be gay, if your teen feels different in some unexplainable way, can your teen come to you and talk it through without risking rejection, derision, harassment, or being made to feel unworthy of your love?
Can your teen tell you who he is, what her passions are, what he believes, what she wants to do with her life?
Or, do you constantly hold up your expectations of who your teen should be, reminding your teen that if she does not live up to your expectations she will be a disappointment and you will withdraw your approval and support?
Are you putting your teen's life at risk?
Teens are dying. They are dying because they feel isolated, bullied, depressed, hated, and unloved. They are dying because they do not feel safe in their communities, their schools and their homes. They are dying because they did not have the support and acceptance that they desperately needed. They are dying because the adults in their lives failed. Teachers, parents, spiritual leaders, politicians, grandparents, bus drivers, friends' parents, every adult in their life had an opportunity to be the person in their life who made a difference. Perhaps their parents were unwavering in their love and support but that was not enough because the other adults looked the other way. We must all take responsibility for supporting the teens in our community.
I cannot promise you that if you parent unconditionally, with respect and love, by putting your relationship first, that your teen will be just fine, that you can sit back and relax knowing that your teen will never commit suicide. However, I can tell you that nothing is more important than your relationship with your teen. I can tell you that if you make that relationship a priority in your life there is a much greater chance that you and your teen will come through these years alive.
Wrap your teens in unconditional love, and create a climate of respect and trust in your house so that they know you will be there for them no matter what. (If you are not sure what that means read "How we live at our house.") If something is causing conflict in your relationship ask yourself if it is more important than your teen's life. The answer to that should be easy: Nothing is more important than your teen's life.
For more on Trust and Teens read Here.
"Hopefully some day you will have a teenager"
For more on my relationships with teens read "I don't tattle."
For more on being trust worthy in our relationships read Here.
And my previous post on this subject "Tolerance vs Acceptance."
Other resources:
To Write Love on Her Arms
The Trevor Project
If your teen is being bullied at school they need to feel safe telling you about their suffering. Would your daughter feel comfortable telling you that other girls are calling her a slut and spreading nasty rumors? Would your son be able to tell you that a couple boys ganged up on him in the locker room and gave him a wedgie? If your teen broached the subject and said she was being bullied would you discount or disregard what she said, or would you listen in a way that would support her in telling you more of the details?
If your teen goes to a friends house, the parents aren't home and the party gets uncomfortably rowdy, will your teen feel that she can call you to get a ride home? Does she know that you will not lecture her about her choices, ground her or yell at her all the way home?
If your teen is depressed can he tell you? Will you pass it off as typical teenage angst or will you take the time to get him the help he needs?
If your teen has questions about her sexuality, if your teen thinks he might be gay, if your teen feels different in some unexplainable way, can your teen come to you and talk it through without risking rejection, derision, harassment, or being made to feel unworthy of your love?
Can your teen tell you who he is, what her passions are, what he believes, what she wants to do with her life?
Or, do you constantly hold up your expectations of who your teen should be, reminding your teen that if she does not live up to your expectations she will be a disappointment and you will withdraw your approval and support?
Are you putting your teen's life at risk?
Teens are dying. They are dying because they feel isolated, bullied, depressed, hated, and unloved. They are dying because they do not feel safe in their communities, their schools and their homes. They are dying because they did not have the support and acceptance that they desperately needed. They are dying because the adults in their lives failed. Teachers, parents, spiritual leaders, politicians, grandparents, bus drivers, friends' parents, every adult in their life had an opportunity to be the person in their life who made a difference. Perhaps their parents were unwavering in their love and support but that was not enough because the other adults looked the other way. We must all take responsibility for supporting the teens in our community.
I cannot promise you that if you parent unconditionally, with respect and love, by putting your relationship first, that your teen will be just fine, that you can sit back and relax knowing that your teen will never commit suicide. However, I can tell you that nothing is more important than your relationship with your teen. I can tell you that if you make that relationship a priority in your life there is a much greater chance that you and your teen will come through these years alive.
Wrap your teens in unconditional love, and create a climate of respect and trust in your house so that they know you will be there for them no matter what. (If you are not sure what that means read "How we live at our house.") If something is causing conflict in your relationship ask yourself if it is more important than your teen's life. The answer to that should be easy: Nothing is more important than your teen's life.
For more on Trust and Teens read Here.
"Hopefully some day you will have a teenager"
For more on my relationships with teens read "I don't tattle."
For more on being trust worthy in our relationships read Here.
And my previous post on this subject "Tolerance vs Acceptance."
Other resources:
To Write Love on Her Arms
The Trevor Project
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